Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Blog Feud 1: j.Bowman vs. ?????

(Now that I have your attention)

November has been a productive month for "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" (if you think nonsense is productive). I've worked diligently to waste 5-10 minutes of your day and I'd like to thank you all (especially you, Denmark) for allowing me to do so. This is my 11th post this month, which is November, and it's all part of my plan to do as many posts for the number of whatever month it is (11th month, 11 posts). Basically I'm going to work my ass off in December and then reeeeaaaalllyyyy phone it in for a few months.

Anyone familiar with the blog knows that the first post of every month is the "Irrational Fear of the Month". So far, they have been "Matthew Brodericks inability to age", "The characters of Mcdonaldland", "The continued pussification of Vampires" and most recently "The Ocean". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. Should I end every month with a self written haiku?

That is so stupid (5)
Would I waste your time?.......Seven (7)
So stupid is that. (5)

Should I do a "CSNstores.com product of the month" post? No.

Should I pick a fight and start a blog feud with someone I've never met for no reason? Absolutely!

So starting with this month, I will be picking a blog on the internets (all of them) and challenging whoever writes it to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it.

Now, for the first one ever (it would be historic if any of this shit mattered in the slightest way) I was torn between picking someone who would be an easy foe to best (There is this blog on here about Cake Recipes. She's good, but I think I can take her) or going after a big fish who might not ever see the challenge so I could win by default after 30 days. Obviously I went for option B. I know of Perez Hilton (sadly) and that would be a pretty big fish but I recently came across a blog that is not only a big fish but could fulfill something ridiculous I wanted to do when I was a kid. Well I'm bigger now, and I think I have what it takes to blog him into submission. The person who writes this blog is named James Hellwig. At least that WAS his name until he legally changed it in 1993. For the inaugural blog off, I formally challenge 80s/90s pro-wrestling superstar The Ultimate Warrior.

(If accepted, I will also be wearing face paint)

In 1993 James Hellwig legally changed his name to "Warrior" and that is what he is known as now. Seriously. This is a thing that happened. In case you don't know anything about him, here is a brief background: He wrestled for some years and enthralled a large number of people, including a young j.Bowman. I was like 6 at the time so keep in mind this was before "Power Rangers" came out and rocked my shit. He famously defeated Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI (1990) in Toronto for the WWF Championship. After retiring from pro wrestling Warrior became a motivational speaker for a bit then started his blog. That is actually pretty commendable. I would normally include a link or something to a youtube video of him doing a motivational speech, but in order to understand who I'm challengeing if you have never heard of him, this video works better and is more motivational than watching "Rudy" 5 times:

What I'm up against.

Holy shit, right?! That was an interesting 3 minutes. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty fucking motivated right now. Congrats to those of you who made it through the mind of The Ultimate Warrior. Any video that features the quote "should I lay on the lawn and have them run over me with lawnmowers?" is an instant classic. Let's look at a comparison of the two combatants in this potential Blog Off:

The Ultimate Warrior
Height: 6'2
Weight: 275 lbs
From: "Parts Unknown" (that's what it says, look it up)
Favorite cereal: "Cereal Unknown"
Stance on face painting: Pro-face painting
Finishing move: A bunch of clothelines or something.
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: "Plan Unkown"
Championships Won: WWF Champion(1) WWF Intercontinental Champion(2) County Fair Face Painting Champion (17)
Education: "Degree Unknown"
Website quote: "You want to know more about the Man behind the facepaint?"
Website has a "fine art gallery": Yes
Loves his mum: I'm pretty sure he does. I'd like to think so.
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants: Yes.

(Pictured: A thing that happened)


"The Sleepless Knight" j.Bowman
Height: 6'2 (and 8/16ths)
Weight: 217 lbs
From: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Favorite cereal: "Cinnamon Toast Charms" (Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms in the same bowl)
Stance on face painting: Anti-face painting (but I'll do it if he accepts)
Finishing move: Punching you in the knee and then running away
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: Yes.
Championships Won: Mrs. Larsen's 3rd grade Spelling Invitational(1), Fastest Kid at Pale Camp(3), Winner - Boston Pizza Canucks hat raffle draw(1), Rogers Video Employee of the Quarter(2), Surrey Little Theatre Best Supporting Actor(1), Participation Ribbon: Cindrich Elementary School Sports Day(4)
Education: I played a lot of hacky sack.
Website quote: "Steve Holt!"
Website has a "fine art gallery": No. I got a list of songs I like though.
Loves his mum: Fuck yeah (that could've been a sweet moment, I ruined the shit out of it)
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants:....Not yet.

Don't let the jokes above fool you, I'm dead serious about this challenge (you can tell, because I typed that in red). Now he had a lot of controversy around him pertaining to some homophobic or racially insensitive comments he may or may not have made, but that isn't what this is about. He is a very right wing political conservative, but that isn't what this is about either (to be perfectly honest I don't know what a conservative is. Are they the elephants?). This is about a young boy who dreamed of going toe to toe with The Ultimate Warrior. I will even promote your blog in the name of good sportmanship. It's called "Warrior's Machete", and it is a thing that exists. So there you have it, U-W (you-dub), you got 30 days to accept or I will win by forfeit. If you are interested, you know where to find me. (Also, if you feel it will add intensity to have our blog off in a Steel Cage, we're gonna have to use yours. Mine doesn't exist)

*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face)

You have been formally challenged. What say you, Ultimate Warrior?

Thanks for reading.


If that Ultimate Warrior promo frightened you, click "Like" on the blogs Facebook Page. That video is nowhere near that page. You'll be safe there.

B.P.S. Vol. 7 - Why I'm Single, Exibit A - F

(Now that I have your attention....)

For my latest "Bullet Point Summary" I'd like to commemorate this very special week. Apparently, this is "National Singles Week". I didn't know there was a week celebrating being single until until about 23 minutes ago. I might have known earlier if I wasn't too preoccupied with playing video games and eating pizza at 2am while nobody hassles me (I feel the need to point out all of that occurs while I'm wearing sweatpants, if I'm wearing pants at all). So realizing this I thought back to the last time I was involved with someone semi-seriously and thought about the benefits of my life now and what it would've continued to be like if I surrendered my independence (prounounced: "Awesomeness"). She still has some of my dvds....and as far as I'm concerned she can keep 'em. That's an exit fee I don't mind paying.

(43 seconds of research)

Well it seems that as long as the historic tradition of "National Singles Week" has been in existence, the internets (all of them) have been bombarded with articles celebrating the benefits of being single. And each one has exactly says exactly the same shit. "Blah blah blah new love, blah blah blah time to yourself, blah blah blah judgemental free Glee watching". Your basic list. I've decided to go in another direction. I've decided to write this article about something that I'm positive isn't overexposed: "Cats that are terrible spellers".

(6 seconds of research)

Well fuck. Okay then internets, I got something you probably don't have. I'm going introspective and doing an A-Z list of the REASONS I'm single. Now I would've done some research to see if for some reason there is already such a list about me in existence on the internets, but I wouldn't trust any of my Rogues Gallery (ex's) to get it right. If there is one thing those ladies are good at, it's not summing me up, it's having impeccable timing and foresight. How each one of them was able to break up with me IMMEDIATELY before I was totally going to break up with them, I will never understand (they were the next words out of my mouth, honest). I will only do A-F now, because if I analyze my potential faults any farther than that I'll probably spend the rest of the day in the dark listening to Johnny Cash and crying. I should prefix this by saying this is all 100% true. Here we go....

A - Apartment.

One of the people who reads "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" has called me out in the past about my apartment and it's decor several times, saying that it's not lady friendly. Sure it is, just so long as it's the right lady. My apartment is a nerd lair....featuring sports. And I love every inch of it. These items currently appear prominently in the "Bowmstead" (btw, the fact that I call it that, or that I call my bedroom "The Bowdoir" I don't consider reasons why I'm single. Those are clearly reasons why I'm an idiot)

- Over 800 dvds
- Over 90 tv dvds
- 5 framed movie posters (Kill Bill, Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Hot Fuzz, Steal)
- A replica of the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Beaded curtain I've had since I first moved out 6 years ago.
- Iron Man bobblehead
- A motivational poster of "The Punisher" about "Commitment"
- A mini replica of Kirk McLean's goalie mask from the Canucks '94 cup run.
- A shrine dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team
- A Batman & a Two-Face pez dispensers
- A spare bedroom that literally has an air matress and my smelly hockey equipment in it.
- 17 jerseys that adorn the walls of my bedroom all the way around
- A book shelf full of Green Lantern & Batman graphic novels. The only legitimate book I have on my bookshelf is a novelization of the Jean Claude Van Damme masterpiece "Hard Target". Just in case you think I'm making that up:

(The book was SOOOOO much better than the movie)

B- Batman.

Me and Batman have a history. I have been a fan of the character since I was 7, and I once even had a Batman themed surprise birthday party thrown for me. There was a Batman cake, I had my own utility belt, I was giving a mask and cape to wear, all my friends were wearing homemade Batman masks, there was a bat-signal shining on my ceiling and Batman sound effects signs (BIFF, PAM, KAPOW) were hung up on the walls. Sounds like an awesome 7th birthday party, right?

(I was 23)

At this point I will point out that the "utility belt" I had been given was full of beer & tequila and I got right shittered that night (special thanks to A. Konechny for making it all happen). I woke up the next morning with my mask still on, but noticeably absent? My pants. However I was not nearly as hungover then as I was back in 2008 when I was in Las Vegas and I got to sit on the Bat-pod from "The Dark Knight".

 (I was ridiculously close to throwing up all over the thing)

One thing I have in my apartment that I didn't mention before? Quite possibly the best thing I own, my Batman converse kicks. Take a bow, boys!

(I will wear these at my every wedding)

So yeah, my love for Batman goes back quite a ways. I did love a girl before that though,when I was 6. I knew I loved her when I realized she was the only girl who wasn't a poopy face. Apparently I'm not the only person that ever thought that about her cause she's married now. I hope they get divorced....and then he turns to a life of crime and I have to stop him and be "not the hero she deserves...but the hero she needs". (I would like to have another girlfriend at some point so I'm gonna move on from this topic)

C - Cereal.

I love me some cereal. It is one of my favorite things to eat. Not really being in a mood for breakfast after my 3-4 hours of sleep, I don't get to eat it at socially acceptable times. Well fuck that. I am a grown man (if you disregard entry B on this list) and I will have it whenever I want. If a girl were to surprise me with a candlelit cereal dinner, that would be 3 things.

1. Incredible
2. Highly unlikely
3. Extremely difficult in terms of timing. There is that window of maybe 90 seconds where the cereal is not too crunchy, or not too soggy. In those moments I wish that time stood still.

D - Dancing.

While you may think enjoying dancing would be a reason why I wouldn't be single, I should clarify. I enjoy dancing more than any straight man should. If I get good news and nobody else is around, the FIRST thing I do is build a "boogie foundation" upon which I add layer after layer of funky moves. Now while I'm out in public, I'm not that big on dancing at clubs and stuff because someone seems to have made a grave spelling error when describing how to dance to our generation. It should say "Get Funky" not "Get Fucky". I do get down occasionally but I find a large portion of that music to be bloody terrible. However, I have 5 songs, that if they played no matter what was happening at the time, would cause me to dance. They are collectively known as "My Muthafucking Jams" or "MMJ" for short. In all manner of truth, I have left a flirtatious conversation with a girl to hit the DF (Dance Floor....god I'm ridiculous) as soon as one of my sonic bat signals gets played. I don't just WANT to go dance, that's childish. I NEED to go dance. So much so that I often (always) disregard the girl instead of inviting her. Another reason why this is a cause of my singledom (as if the case wasn't strong enough already) is that the following two things have happened in the last month:

1. I started a tradition of having a 5 minute solo dance party everyday when I get home from work
2. I was caught dancing down my hallway in my apartment building. It would have been pretty embarassing if I didn't have such sick moves.

E - Education

I may joke about it on the blog often, but I should clarify that I'm not stupid. I'm an idiot. There is a difference. As you can probably tell from being able to read j.Bowman Can't Sleep, me and the english language get along pretty well. I'm a capable writer but at times not the best speller. There is a difference. And there are often times when I'm caught up in a conversation with several people where the topic at hand is something that requires a certain amount of expertise to have an informed opinion on. I'm not educated. I'm smart. There is a difference.

If it doesn't matter, I know way too much about it. I often catch a lot of flack from my male and female friends (the educated ones anyway) about things that I don't know that they think I should. I didn't know anything about Stalin or that Mussolini was "a bad guy". I know absolutely nothing about Canadian politics (All I know is that elections should be decided in a hockey shootout). And until recently (around the time District 9 came out) I didn't know what apartheid was. Having found out, I just want all of you to know that I'm against it. Mussoluni too. How did I get through school without learning any of this? A strong combination of charisma and bribery.

But if you were to ask me how the jingle went for the "Big Red" chewing gum commercial in the early 90's? That I know (and I know that if you chew gum while chopping onions it keeps you from crying). Need someone who knows WAY too much about 90s teen sitcom "Saved by the Bell"? I'm your guy. I know that before the continents were seperated they were 1 landmass known as "Pangea". If you were to ask me the name of the evil coach in the first Mighty Ducks movie? That I know too. Both the actor (Lane Smith, deceased) and the character (Jack "dickbag" Reilly). The credits didn't list that as his middle name, but the original draft of the script did. Do I know how to calculate tax properly? No, but I do know that money is not made out of paper, but linen. And in closing I should point out that I know very little about World War I aside from what I pieced together from the band Franz Ferdinand and "Call of Duty" video games

Throughout my school career there were classes I was good at (drama, gym) and classes I wasn't (everything else). I was not the best student in the world. I probably would barely crack the top 500, but a lot of that was a desire to know about things. I had trouble seeing the relevence in a lot of the things I was learning, so I had an even greater difficulty giving a shit. To quote Owen Wilson in Zoolander, (which no overly educated person would ever do)

"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree".

I don't care what bark is made out of, but there are things I'd rather know about than how to do long division. That isn't a joke, I never learned long division. I was at an unfair advantage because I wasn't good with numbers, never have been. However I believe that if I'm at a disadvantage, I should look deep within myself to find a skill that I could bring to the table to even the playing field. So while I wasn't good at math, it turns out I was incredibly skilled in cheating at math. So I just played to my strengths. And I've never once encountered a moment where I needed to know long division. If that moment were to arise, I would probably just run away. I was good at gym after all. Play to your strengths.

F - "Friends"

I like to see them. I do not feel inclined to stop seeing them for any reason except zombie apocalypse. Then most of those fuckers are on their own (except for the Costco 4. You know who you are. Be ready. We're gonna run that shit). In my life, there will always be 1 foot in relationshiptown and 1 foot in bro-ville. Simple as that. Now I have some friends who are able to strike a balance between time with their other and time with their friends, but everyone knows somebody who is exactly the opposite. For whatever reason, whenever they enter into a new relationship, it's like they never existed. "Biggy Steve" should be a dude who calls you at 4 am and wants to go joyriding in a stolen go cart and have a sword fight on a beach. And not necessarily in that order. "Biggy Steve" should not become a faint memory of a man who once pee'd on a cop car. "Mon peeps" (that's "my peeps" for my french canadian homies) mean just as much to me if not more than any relationship ever could. And my unwavering belief in that will not dwindle with age. I've seen this scenario, which I will call "Indefriendence", happen to both sexes. Some guys stop hanging with their bros and some girls stop hanging with their...female friends (thought I was gonna say something else, eh?). But I don't mind being single as long as the following stays true: j.Bowman Can't Do It. 

Unless she is super hot. In that event nothing is certain.

Well that about wraps it up for A-F. More to follow, just need to find a reason I'm single with for each letter of the alphabet. Which takes time.

So I'll probably be finished tomorrow.

Thanks for Reading.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Life's Little Battles: "The Nescalation"

(j.Bowman looking unimpressed...and sorta drunk)

That picture represents how I feel about Nestle at the moment perfectly: moments away from either fightin' something or throwing up.

It is a particularly sleepless night tonight. I have reached that point where I have to get up in a few hours for a noon appointment, but if I do fall asleep I'll just have to wake up in three hours anyway. So I've come to that well known conclusion that I will just ride the lightning and stay up and get some rack-time tomorrow afternoon (Unless "Divorce Court" is on. Cannot sleep during that shit. It's riveting). Figured since I'm up anyway I will update anyone who cares about my escalating fued with the Nestle chocolate company (anyone who cares in this case being me and the 8 people who have taken up the cause). In case you are new to "j.Bowman Can't Sleep", here is a refresher of the opening salvo of this war:

They fire theirs 

So where does that leave us? Well that leaves me still without retribution and them sitting on a mountain of chocolate, hatching evil schemes....that probably involve the taunting or general mistreatment of orphans (NOTE: In no way am I implying that Nestle has a vendetta against me AND orphans. I don't imply, I insinuate). So I weighed the pros and cons of continuing my crusade and sending them another email. Here are the list of Pros & Cons for your perusal:

PROS (send an email back)
I might get their coupon faster than 4-6 weeks.
I might get a legitimate apology from them.
Che Guevara would do it
It might properly convey the message to them that I am not a punk bitch.
I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror.

CONS (don't send email, live my life like a bitch)
Might ruin my chances to win anything at the "Standing up for what you believe in" awards.
I will be mocked by the mailman daily for asking if my coupon has come yet.
No amount of scrubbing would be able to wash off the "cowardice"
I wouldn't have anything to write about until that letter came.
It was a minor inconvenience that I'm blowing way out of proportion.
It would cut into my "Call of Duty: Black Ops" playing time.

Now someone recently suggested to me an elaborate plan where I get hired by Nestle, climb the corporate ladder, get several promotions over the next decade and then take them down from within. Now, as much as I love overly elaborate plans, this particular one requires me to wear a tie, so fuck that. Instead I opted for diplomacy (as I feel I have done through this entire ordeal) and I sent them a RIDICULOUSLY polite email. Which was hard to do. The one I sent was the only draft that didn't start out with "Hey Fuckers". Here is that email:

Hello there, (I still think "Hey Fuckers" was a solid opening)

Thank you for responding to my customer comment. I wrestled with whether or not to say anything but i figured someone should know there was a problem. I looked on the internet and saw that i am not the only one this has ever happened to, which unfortunate as that may be, its nice to know others have at some point were in the same boat. I also noticed something else however.

I was wondering if i was needed to send my wrapper in to nestle canada as proof of purchase? 4-6 weeks seems like an awful long time to wait for a coupon in the mail. Would it expediate the process if i sent in my proof of purchase?

Thank you again for your response, i really appreciate it.

J******* Bowman

What a friggin' gentlemen. On my best behaviour there. Just in case you were wondering I don't actually sign my emails with  "J*******", just don't feel like ever mentioning my full first name on here. It's not a big secret or anything but there is a reason I chose "j.Bowman" that very few people know. If you already know my name, congrats, you know me slightly better than people who just read the blog. Speaking of the blog, the story continues:

Now if you worked for Nestle and you saw that email, how would you respond? If you answered "I'd probably send back a passive aggressive response and then scream at a puppy", you might just have a future with that company. Here is the response I got to that gem of politeness up there:

"Thank you J*****"

AND THAT WAS IT! Man, even typing it out made me mad. I think this is an example of their auto-correct changing things before they get sent out. The original was a lot more direct before auto-correct fixed it. What they probably meant to say was:

"Fuck you J*****"

Regardless, that's how I interpreted it. So yeah, I don't even know what they expect me to do with that. Why even send that email out? I'd rather them just send me a picture of a middle finger in the mail. At least I can respect their creativity. But this? This is just three words! I can be a force for good. I WANT to eat Kit Kats and Coffee Crisp again but I also wanna be able to look my future kids in the eye and tell them that "Daddy never took shit from chocolate companies". (My father said it to me, and it changed our relationship. The amount of respect I had for him went up exponentially. Then we went out back and had a catch. It was exactly like "Field of Dreams", only with more cursing).

Now, CSNstores.com knows where it's at. After I shamelessly pimped out their site on the blog (selling out > Integrity) their site got 13 more hits the day I posted it (I actually have no idea. I just took my payment and never asked questions). Sure it's not a huge impact, but I can make a difference. I had planned on doing a whole post about how I was duped with a Kit Kat, but I told Nestle about it and they rectified their mistake and I love them even more now. Nestle, you are making it extremely difficult for me to write that post or feel those feelings. But.... I've got a plan. You like to send me 3 word responses, eh? Well I hope someone in your PR department has ALOT of time on their hands and finds this blog post, because I want you to know the 3 words I've got for you..........

This aint over.

Thanks for reading


Your parents or other authority figures you wanna rebel against would NEVER hit the "like" button on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook page. Click like and stand up to them

Friday, November 26, 2010

Reverse Thanksgiving Countdown 2010

 (Now that I have your attention....)

Happy friggin' Thanksgiving y'all (From what I learned by watching Varsity Blues, that is American for "you all"). Thanksgiving traditions are important. It is a time of Turkey, football and watching your relatives get drunk and passive aggresively break each other down in a large group setting. Ahhh memories. Now this isn't pandering but I feel I should share some information with you. I am Canadian (gasp!) however as much as I love several things about my country, I do not celebrate our Thanksgiving. That is partially because we have 4 teams in our Football League (and 2 minor league teams, Hamilton Tiger Cats & the many incarnations of the Ottawa Rough Riders) but mostly I don't celebrate because...I have no idea what Canadian Thanksgiving is even about.

(*27 seconds of research*)

I still have no idea. Something about some dude named Frobisher, a group of French Canadians menacingly named "The Order of Good Cheer" (seriously?! was "The powdered Wig Contigent" copyrighted or something?) and one piece of information that was interesting:

"The first Thanksgiving Day after Canadian Confederation was observed as a civic holiday on April 5, 1872 to celebrate the recovery of the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII) from a serious illness."

The illness? Food poisoning. So what makes American Thanksgiving so special that I would defect to the "U.S.Eh." the last thursday in November? Many things. For one, their football league has 28 more teams than ours. Secondly, the day following American Thanksgiving is known as "Black Friday" and is essentially a battle royal in shopping malls across the country. The other reason I like American T-giving is because I may have misinterpreted the movie, but I'm pretty sure that is what "Apocalypto" was about.

(This guy? Amazing cook. Better shopper)

But there are some Thanksgiving traditions that transcend international borders or mayan brutality. One such tradition started waaaayy back in October of 2007. Man, we were all such different people then. I was pretty much the same only I had more hair. The tradition in question is my annual countdown of "10 Things I Am NOT Thankful For" this year. Back then they were just posted on Facebook, but last month I went Old School and brought the 2008 list and the 2009 list to j.Bowman Can't Sleep as a precursor to this, The 2010 Reverse Thanksgiving Countdown. As a disclaimer I should say don't get offended if I hate something you love.The list is all in good fun. Except number 6. Without further delay:


10. Messy Microwaves

How the shit does this happen? I don't have a fancy degree in science, but c'mon microwaves! I have no shame in admitting that if it wasn't for my microwave I would've starved to death years ago (perhaps a little shame in admitting that would be fitting). I just can't fathom how I put in some soup and when I go to take it out it looks like a crime scene in a well lit bear cave. There have been times where I honestly had no idea how there was still soup left in the bowl. So horrified am I upon discovering that my microwave looks like Tom Waits sounds that after I take my food out, I cannot bring myself to look inside for days. Have you ever tried to clean off the main plate, then break it? WHERE DO YOU GET A REPLACEMENT?! Then you feel even worse when you realize steel wool and a priest will be required to clean the damn thing. At that point it has become impossible to get it as pristine as it needs to be and I just have to accept the fact that it will look like a pizza pop committed suicide in there forever.

9. The fact that Rod Stewart wasn't flash frozen with liquid nitrogen then shattered into a million pieces like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.

(Vancouver celebrates, the world surely joins in)

8. Face Paint

You ever have something on your face and not know it? Everyone who looks at you gives you an extra look of confusion and you're not sure why. This is alright I guess, after all, how can you be held responsible if you don't even know you have something on your face? Unless of course you had it painted. Then it's your fault. I really don't understand this. Why would you spend $ on something that you can't see? Look at that Tiger dude up there. He put in a lot of effort and I have my doubts he actually thinks he's a tiger, even for fleeting moments. Face paint or not, he's still Jennings from accounting. The only person who would think otherwise is the crazy loner who works in the mail room and thinks Jennings is a real tiger. He is going to shoot him.

I know you'd be able to see it with a reflective surface but c'mon, if for some reason you get your face painted you will probably be out in public at a carnival or a bank heist or something.  I'm not talking about kids. Kids are dumb, they don't know any better. If parents don't step in an limit the amount of exposure their kids get to face paint, the future of those kids is as shady as a clown's intentions.

 (No good can come of this. He's wearing face paint)

Face-painting is a gateway...painting. Case in point:


 (This kid is gonna grow up to take paintball way too seriously)

(I have nothing bad to say about "Darth Maul Kid". Nerd cred. Respect)

Just in case you think face paint is harmless and it shouldn't be on my list this year, keep this in mind: The Ultimate Warrior's parents let him wear face paint whenever he wanted. And he turned out, well....

(Not pictured: The results of good parenting)

7. "Water resistant" anything.

This bothered me during a recent trip to Florida. I have mentioned before on the blog that I am a member of a minority that has been the subject of ridicule for...well I don't know, but there has been ridicule. Of course I'm talking about Pale people. Me and my fellow "Powders" (that's our word! Don't you dare use it!) have to wear lots of sunscreen or else we burst into flames. Seeing as how we want to distance ourselves from the Twilight comparisons, which have damaged our reputation considerably, bursting into flames is not an option.

(Thankfully our leader has returned. He's like our Jesse Jackson)

Now I had applied slathered on sunscreen. I then arrogantly went outside, taunting the Florida sun to give my skin it's best shot. Most of the day went fine, however after going on a ride that cause me to get soaking wet, the sun saw it's opening and made it through my defenses. I got a sunburn, I got angry, then I got confused, after all, my suncreen was "waterproof". WRONG! It was "Water-resistant". I have no idea what that means. You know what else is "water-resistant"? My pants....spagetti....the ground....my skin....socks...that thing over there....that thing next to it....ect. Everything is "water resistant" to some degree. Except for water. I could market any product I wanted and claim it is "water resistant" and nobody could ever sue me. Trust me, I know. My legal team advised me that I could not sue the suncreen company for psychological damage done by the distressing sunburn I got. Even on the grounds that my sunscreen was shitty at resisting water. So products, if you aren't "WATER-PROOF", shut the fuck up.

6. Emo Culture claiming "The Nightmare Before Christmas" as their own.


We had a deal, emo culture. We would only make fun of you on even numbered days, we'd let you have stupid looking hair without attacking you with clippers AND we'd let you have "Edward Scissorhands". In return you would only listen to your horrible music through headphones and you would stay away from our culture.

 (My favorite part of Edward Scissorhands? When it was over)

It was a fair deal, in the end I think we gave up more than you (I reeeeeeaaaalllly wanna wipe all of your stupid haircuts off the face of the earth). But you have crossed the border we drew in eyeliner and I am not happy about it. A glaring example is when you got your fingerless gloved hands on "Spider-Man 3" and turned this:

(Bad ass)

Into this.....


Now, as mad as I was about this (it ruined a relationship) I was even angrier to find out that the Emo Community has been covertly snatching up other things that do not belong to them. I don't see a lot of emo kids in my day to day life. Primarily because I don't hang out in corners and I don't shop at the "Skinny Jeans Emporium". So I don't really know what thosse mopey bastards are up to. However this year, after walking past a hot topic, I discovered that they had claimed the 1993 film "The Nightmare Before Christmas" as their own. Bullshit! How did that happen? I don't LOVE the movie or anything but they crossed the damn line. I see Jack Skellington backpacks and ironic purses out and about more often now and, by god, I am not thankful for that. How would the emo community feel if I just decided to claim "being sad for no reason" as only something we could do? Or if we just decided to take the band 30 Seconds to Mars as-- bad example. That shit would never happen. Umm....okay I can do this. There has to be an example of something they covet that I would want.......fuuuuuuuck.....got it! How would you feel if I decided to claim white belts as ours? Aside from slightly cutting yourself to get attention, I think your reaction would also be that of anger sorrow, followed by intense feelings of aggression despair and loud yelling...crying...sobbing wimpering.

 (Here, take "Corpse Bride". We don't want it)

I will put all you self loathing douchebags on notice right now. If you even THINK about coming after Jurassic Park, there is no limit to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. Or your parents basement.

(This is the last time I wanna see a Dinosaur cry. They don't cry. They eat Nedry.)

5. The Continued Corporate Sponsorship of Sports Stadiums.

 Rogers Arena in Vancouver is exempt. Even though I used to work for the company, I still would prefer Van's NHL stadium/Concert venue to be referred to as either the "Trevor Linden Thunderdome" or the "Fuck Messier Arena". But Judging from the next few examples, one thing is clear:






(Actually.....this one I'm cool with.)

It is only going to get worse from here. I think most pro sports stadiums should learn from Williamsport, Pennsylvania and name their stadiums, parks, arenas and fields after something that doesn't generate any money at all.
(This is actually real. And I love it. GO CROSSCUTTERS!)

4. Daylight Savings time

It has been several weeks now since we had to set our clocks back an hour in order to make people more depressed when they leave work at 5pm and it's pitch black outside. This is also more commonly known as "bullshit". Every clock in my life that I'm able to control (alarms, watch, ect) I have staunchly refused to turn back an hour. For one reason, I refuse to let the seasons push me around and tell me what to do. Another reason, in 6 months when we have to set them ahead again, I will have saved 30 seconds (Boo-ya!). A third reason: I'm an idiot.

3. Missing a call from an unrecognized number.

Man I'm really not thankful for whenever this happens. Especially when they don't leave a voicemail. Your options are either to pretend like you are a spy and trace the phone number (also known as doing a very simple reverse lookup search online. But I like to do it while wearing a suit and holding a briefcase). Now sometimes you find out that it was a friends work or something, and the mystery is solved. However there are few things I dislike more than those times where all you find out is that it is a "Private Number". At this point, the human race is seperated into two classes of people:

On one side, the "Alphas". Brave, courageous folks who will take a leap of faith and call the number back, not knowing who will answer or how the conversation will go. This often leads to conversations that play out like this:

"Hi, who is this?"
"Umm...who is this? You called me."
"Hey, you called me first, jerk"
"Well now you're calling me, asshole"

On the other side are a group I like to refer to as the "Cowardly Bitches". These are the "oh, they'll call back" types. They never do. And some of the more apathetic Cowardly Bitches won't really care and they will go on with their lives as if it never happened. But if you're like me (which for your sake I hope you are not) this mystery will eat at you, and eat at you, until you call back like a week later and this conversation happens:

"Hi, you called me 6 days ago, and didn't leave a message. It's been bugging me ever since and I was wondering who you are?"
".....I have to go now"

Too many of those led me to become an Alpha several years ago. Sack up, Cowardly Bitches. Call mystery numbers back. Interesting things will happen.

(Allow me to narrow it down for you, dude: It wasn't a girl)

2. Arrogant kids who are too big for strollers but still ride in them.

I was out and about recently (most times I just go out, but on that particular day I had some extra time so I added "about" to the mix). I saw a kid in a stroller. I see a fair number of them, more than kids on leashes, which is equal parts humiliating and hilarious. But something about this specific kid didn't sit right with me. It could have been his stupid face or the fact that he was picking his nose (putting his finger in his stupid face) but the main reason I wasn't cool with it was that the kid had to have been at least 6 years old. 

Now this was bad enough already. Hell when I took my first steps, they were immediately followed by every other step I have taken in my life.My father, J.Bowman, wouldn't let me grow up entitled and weak. He sent a very clear message to a young j.Bowman that nobody, NOBODY, pushes a Bowman around (whether it be in a stroller or a relationship). I was a very proud, albeit very fatigued youngster. The reason the stroller kid I saw on this day bugged me so much was that he had this look on his face, this...arrogance. He had this air of entitlement about him that made me wish I was 6 so I could whoop his ass. For the record I was not a tough kid at all, but damn was I fast!
 (The fastest kid at Pale camp, 3 years in a row)

Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the kid I saw. I don't think his mom would've been cool with it. I'm sure she knows j.Bowman Can't Sleep is an arena of ridicule that few people make it out of with all of their feelings intact. Now while I wasn't able to get a pic of this kid, this is the closest facsimile the internet had to offer:

(Just raise the smugness by about 67% and you can imagine what I saw on that day)

I sincerely hope that that will be the oldest kid I ever see in a stroller. That was the laziest shit I've ever seen. The kid was being treated like a Roman Emperor. As far as I see it, if you are old enough to convey arrogance, you are old enough to walk. Strollers are for babies and babies only:

(God dammit. Ok, no more strollers for anyone!)

1. Morning (ugh)

(If my morning was represented by a cartoon sun, it'd look like him. That bastard had a rough night, but a great night)

If there is one thing an insomniac hates, it's infomercials. If there are two things, it's infomercials and the cruel light of morning. Mornings sucks ass. It is offensive to all senses. I can't think of anything I like about the morning. Except for breakfast foods. But I have lived on my own for several years now and I can have them whenever I want. (Nothing like a romantic candlelight dinner of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal to get the ladies swooning). But there are several things about mornings that I used to like but have gotten progressively worse. For instance, cartoons are really shitty now. When I was younger they were awesome. Shows like:

Saved by the Bell (not a cartoon, I know. Shut up, it rules!)
Bobby's World
Garfield & Friends
Muppet Babies
Goof Troop
Batman: The Animated Series
The Tick
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Compare those to the shows that are on now. Shows like:


Well I don't know any, but I'm sure they are terrible. Other things about the morning I'm not thankful for include the sound of my 4 alarms going off. That isn't a joke. I require 4 alarms to get up, each set at a different 15 minute intervals. Just because j.Bowman Can't Sleep doesn't mean I don't have to get up early for shit. Alarm 1 is my cell phone, which is right next to my head and set to the ringtone I had assigned to the prettiest girl I ever dated. Often times I will instinctively grab my phone when it goes off in the morning and start apologizing. Alarm 2 is an old clock radio that is just out of reach from my bed (I have long arms though, so sometimes I'm able to give it a good smack). That alarm is set just off the dial of the local talk radio station on max volume. Waking up to the sound of static yelling can be quite terrifying, but you WILL wake up. Alarm 3 is an ipod dock clock radio at the foot of my bed on a dresser that is set to a local radio station I absolutely hate. Again, if that won't get someone up, it would take something drastic. Alarm 4 is drastic. An old school double bell ringer in a metal pot by my bedroom door. Together they form "The Quad Irritiation", the greatest wake up system in the history of man. So good in fact that I might perhaps start a spin-off blog that I'll write first thing in the morning when I get up. So be sure to subscribe to "j.Bowman Wakes Up Bitterly". Never has incoherence been so stupid.

I can't think of anyone I've ever met that likes getting out of bed. My bed rules. I never want to leave it. It is warm and comfortable and everything the outside world has to offer doesn't compare to it. Except hockey. I'll get up for hockey.

 (Big Bird was a snitch. "The Street" knows how to handle a snitch)

So that's that, Sleepless Knights. Done for another year. Normally this is where I list things that I'm thankful for, but I do that every month in the Power 16 so I'm not going to add it to the novel I've written here so far. I actually set out to make this a short list this year. I hope next year the list of things I'm not thankful for will be a little shorter. However judging how this and every other year goes, chances are at least 10 things will happen in the next 365 that irk, annoy, irritate, vex, frustrate, exasperate, aggravate, infuriate, miff, peeve, distress and depress me. The only thing I know for sure is that Thesaurus will not appear on the list. I will say one thing I'm thankful for in 2010 though, and I mean it in all sincerity.....

Thanks for reading


You don't truly like something in this day & age until you like it on facebook. Until then you are just lying.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Movember to Remember

(Dennis Eckersly: proud member of the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame AND the Sweet Mustache Hall of Fame)

I do not participate in "Movember". For those who don't know what Movember is, it is the 1 month out of the year when all men decide to grow mustaches in protest of Tom Selleck's show "Magnum P.I." Getting cancelled. Now, while I admit the show was pretty good and his mustache was impeccable, I find it strange that an entire sect of the male gender would show their displeasure at it's cancellation by gro-........

(*27 seconds of research*)

Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Now I get it. Prostate cancer awareness. That is a much better reason than what I thought it was. (Magnum P.I. was good, but not "facial hair protest" good like "Charles in Charge")

 (Apparently the only thing he wasn't in charge of was buttoning his damn shirt)

Now I meant it when I said I do not participate in Movember. It isn't because I'm pro-prostate cancer or anything. In fact. I wanna go on record right now and say that I think prostate cancer is a jerk. If it was something I could physically punch, I'd punch it, then turn that into a sweet "punch-kick" combo before prostate cancer knew what hit it (it'd be cured before it hit the ground).

It isn't that I don't participate in Movember because I think mustaches are gross and silly. I don't at all. I believe them to be badass. John Holmes had one. You know what else he had? 14,000 women (also a pretty serious cocaine problem, but today we will just be focusing on mustaches) We'll revisit that other part of his life during my forthcoming post regarding "Blow-vember".

(The worst part about "Blow-vember"? Realizing it's Dec.2nd and you forgot to grow a mustache)

So if I don't hate mustaches and I'm anti-prostate cancer (seriously, what a dick) why do I not participate in Movember?. I don't know who is more qualified to field that question, j.Bowman of the present or the ghost of Movember past? Also known as j.Bowman circa 2007. Take it away, you crazy bastard:


I don't participate in Movember because....I cannot. I am unable to grow a decent looking mustache. I believe the medical condition is referred to as "Not A Real Man Syndrome". It is my secret shame. Well...not anymore I guess....damn this blog! Now that it's out of the bag, I want to say that I respect all the dudes out there who are willing to look slightly more awesome for 31 days in the name of telling prostate cancer you don't like it (also, strongly worded letters send a pretty clear message).

Genetics are an interesting thing. There are two things wrong with that picture up there (3 if you count that my beer is empty). Lack of mustache is one problem. I claimed it was an aesthetic choice, but nobody believed me. Rightfully so. Now in addition to the mustache being strangely absent, another reason I don't participate in Movember is that my facial hair grows in red, while my natural hair color is brown. (Thanks for the Irish genetics, mom). My Father, J.Bowman, had fantastic mustaches. All business, those things. His mustaches combined with the power of his voice created something that commanded respect and admiration. You would think, based on his genes that I would be able to grow sweet mustaches at will. Does the mustache gene skip a generation? I'm not the most qualified person to answer that question. I'm gonna let a familiar face around the blog field that one. My hypothetical first born son, Sydney Crosby Bowman:

(Your grandfather would be damn proud, s.c.Bowman)

So, for the month of November I want to do something to show prostate cancer I'm not gonna tolerate it's bullshit and I hope it stops existing. I'm growing stupid looking sideburns. For several reasons, one of which is that they are the only kind I know how to grow. Another reason is that 1 sideburn represents how terrible I think prostate cancer is (the answer? quite), the other sideburn represents my support for my brothers who hate prostate cancer but are unable to show it above their upper lip.

(Abe Lincoln: hates slavery, prostate cancer and not being able to finish watching a play)

So in honor of Movember, and in support of all those people celebrating it the desired way, I present to you the starting line-up for Team Mustache 2010:

Starting Pitcher: Dennis Eckersly

Relief pitcher: Former Vancouver Canuck defenceman Dave Babych

Catcher: NFL Hall of Fame Coach Mike Ditka

1st Base: NBA star player Adam Morrison

2nd Base: retired NFL star quarterback Jake Plummer

Shortstop/Team Captain: Sam Elliott

3rd Base: Tom Selleck (specifically from the 1992 cinema classic "Mr. Baseball")

Left Field: The World's coolest scientologist: Jason Lee

Center field: "Eye Upper lip of the Tiger" Carl Weathers

Right Field: 80's WWF Superstar, the late Ravishing Rick Rude

 Designated Hitter: Intergalactic badass Lando Calrissian
(He's the one on the left, but you just KNOW Boba Fett is rocking a sick stache under that helmet)

And who will lead this army of awesome into battle? I present to you the head coach of Team Mustache 2010:

Clone of Sam Elliott known as "Same Elliott"

(This may come as a surprise, but he's the diabolical clone)

So happy Movember to you all. Except you, prostate cancer. You can go fuck yourself.

Thanks for reading.


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