Tuesday, October 25, 2016

The Most Heartfelt Dunkaroos Review In History


How's it going?

That's awesome. Happy to hear it. I am well also.

This is kind of awkward after all this time but.... I missed you.

In case those words don't send the message enough, please let this solemn looking Bulldog puppy contemplating it's own existence do it for me...

("Majestic" doesn't even do it justice. "Fucking Majestic" is a bit closer)

It's been a long time, Monpeeps. You know that, I know that. Clearly blogger knows that as they tried to lock me (j.Bowman) out of j.Bowman Can't Sleep due to inactivity. The amount of dice I give to that is severely low, however, so here I am. 

How I have been? I've been well, I suppose. I sleep a lot more now. The usual marathon 9pm-4am writing sessions I used to undertake on this blog are a thing of the past. Got a regular job, a regular girlfriend and a regular way of life. It's pretty sweet, but there is something.... missing.


But what should I write about? It's been a long time, and A LOT has happened. I had an awesome writing gig, which I still can't believe I got to do for 3 weeks, let alone 3 years. I hosted a series of instructional forklift safety videos (which is too random to make up). I gained a bunch of weight, then lost a bunch of weight, and repeated that dance for several years, thanks in no small part to the excellence of Papa John's pizza.

Seriously, expect a lot of Papa John's references in the future.

(I don't even mind that he creeps me out as much as he does. The pizza is amazing)

Oh! I've also got a long-term relationship I've managed to keep going amidst years of asking her random questions like "How do they build bridges?" and "How do hammerhead sharks know what they are swimming towards?" and  having her patiently explain to me that Ponies aren't actually baby horses.

That is a real thing she needed to teach me. I now know what a Foal is... although I still think I'm kinda right.

(Not Pictured: A baby horse... apparently)

So what topic is it that gets me back in the game? What gets the Sleepless Knight in a tizzy? Why is tizzy such a fun word? So many damn questions to address.

I wish it was something significant or something earth shattering, but what I have to say on this blog isn't that important and is never meant to be. It is just as it was years ago when I started this: Me, you, and unimportant nonsense. The one thing I have chosen to unburden my soul about after all this time is....


Yeah. Dunkaroos.

It's been ages since I've eaten Dunkaroos, and they used to be a staple of my lunches when I was "but a wee lad".  Although if you are looking for my all-time favourite, watch this shit!

(Note: I also love Sodalicious because I respect tasty treats that keep their pun game strong).

But have one of the all-time classics, Dunkaroos, held up? And what led me to ask such a question and embark on my journey to find the answer?

To be perfectly honest, I had the idea for this post last year. I was out drinking in copious amounts and I went to the supermarket after the bar, which, y'know, is always a strong idea (and the main reason for every 2 or $x chocolate bar deal in the history of ever). I had 3 items in my basket, and the random combination of them was unsettling to me so I needed a 4th.

(I can't go up to the register like this. It's too weird!)

I drunkely took to Twitter to ask Monpeeps for suggestions on a 4th item, and someone suggested Dunkaroos. It was perfect. But I had no idea where Dunkaroos were located in the supermarket. Not a clue. Even sober I wouldn't know where to look. I checked the cookie aisle; nothing. I checked the snack aisle; nada.

It got to the point where I approached a kid who worked there and clumsily asked him where the Dunkaroos were sold. He was unclear as to what Dunkaroos were (this generation, I tell ya *shakes head*), so I proceeded to act out and explain the very simple lunchtime snack I used to love.

"Well... they got this like... cookie... com-com- compartment! And there is a separate bit for your frosting. And, and you take-- cookie and dip in frosting and...and... it's great!"

From what I can recall, that is exactly how the conversation went. I acted it out and everything. If I was playing charades, EVERY SINGLE PLAYER would have known I was looking for Dunkaroos.

Except that one person in charades that is terrible. We all know one.

(Turns out Bradley Cooper = one of those guys)

The clerk WAS ALSO THAT GUY, and clearly had no idea what I was talking about. He politely told me to "Check aisle 8" which I actually interpreted as "Get the fuck away from me". I was disappointed but continued my search.

(Sadly, the sign did not say "Dunkaroos", so I was not optimistic)

I then got sad because I couldn't find them. I kept trying aisle after aisle and got more desperate as the night went on. I also had to pee. It was dramatic.


I don't remember what song was playing at the time, but I'm fairly certain it was "Lose Yourself" by Eminem. That song has been playing for every significant moment in my life since 2002.


As I took that picture, I looked down the aisle and saw the clerk I was speaking to earlier. I excitedly showed him the Dunkaroos and he nodded and gave a thumbs up. In a different world, we could've been friends I think. But in that world he probably wouldn't have sent me on a wild goose chase to Aisle 8 just to get rid of me. That world is a nicer place.

But for now, I had what I required. The 4th item that... actually made my basket seem even weirder.

(The purpose of that endeavor was widely missed)

I took them home, ate them, started writing this post and then was distracted by Youtube videos or something so I didn't finish writing it. I eventually crashed, woke up and kept living my life, this Dunkaroos review sitting dormant for no real reason other than I got sidetracked.

Been happening a lot, lately. Getting sidetracked. Makes me sad occasionally. This blog was started in difficult times, and turned a lot of rough nights into something someone could enjoy or get a laugh out of. It was supported by a lot of people and then... I don't know. I fell asleep, I guess. Lived a dream that I got to write professionally for a couple years and then just... sleepwalked for a bit.

But in an effort to get a little Bowmentum going, hopefully write a little more and leave nothing I've started go unfinished, I'm back a year later to finish this post and let you know how Dunkaroos are in 2016.

I bought some earlier today and am excited to let you know...

(the "D" stands for "Drumroll"... or "Dunkaroos". Honestly could be either)


They're a bit shit, actually.

The cookie is much bigger than I remember. And I feel like the frosting section got smaller. Both those things are heading in the wrong direction.

I also found the cookie to be pretty stale. Dunkaroos come in a 5 pack and I ate them all, so there was AMPLE opportunity for just one of those cookies to have the cookie crunch required for maximum enjoyment. Instead it was several packages of strikeouts.

6/10 (which is 2/10 factoring in nostalgia inflation)

As you can see above, the cookie also has weird pictures on it, like a hot air balloon and a motorcycle. Some cookies had a plane and what appeared to be the Kracken sea monster on them. Why? No fucking clue. The only thing that's constant is the "D", which would be a great slogan for a sperm bank... if they had slogans.

They may not have slogans, but they have cornered the market on uncomfortably staring at your phone or your feet as you wait to do what you are trying to pretend you are not about to do.

(I feel like the guy on the right is there for recreational reasons).

And yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say about Dunkaroos.

A little bit of realness mixed in with some pointless jokes, observations and a meandering tale from my personal history.

Picking right back up from where I left off. Not any wiser, just older.

I don't know how frequently I'll be writing here again. I hope to get some work done and update those tabs up there and clean this place up a bit. It's got the stench of 2011 ALL OVER IT! But for now, just know it's satisfying for me to see "2016" in that column on the top right of the page that lists the posts by year.

And to the nearly half a million people represented in the number above that, to old readers, new readers and speed readers,

Thanks for reading.

- jB

Actually, fuck speed readers. All running their hands across the page while reading words like they're trying to impress somebody with their speed. What a bunch of assholes.