Monday, October 31, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - October

 The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of October 2011

Halloween Houses That Give Out Full Size Chocs

Houses that gave out full sized chocolate bars were one of the greatest things about childhood. People always talk about the house that gave them toothbrushes and the like, but there was always like one house in the neighbourhood that once you found it, was like discovering the fountain of youth or a frozen caveman in your backyard, only better.

 (Sean Astin got boned on this. No poster for Samwise? Travesty!)

As a kid you almost didn't believe it at first. You had grown so accustomed to seeing and hearing those little chocs dropped into your bag or bucket that when "the heavy" lands in there your first feeling is that of shock. But after clumisly digging through your bag/bucket in the driveway and confirming that you did, indeed, just receive a FULL SIZE chocolate bar, it's celebration time!

(Those moments were why I was glad I went trick or treatin with these guys)

This is where Halloween got tricky for me though. I had gotten a taste of full size chocs and dammit! I wanted more. Barring getting an extra one for a "sick brother" who couldn't go trick or treating, you only got 1. In those scenarios you can either accept things as they are (terrible life lesson) or you can get creative and try a con to get more of that thing you want (also terrible life advice, but it gets you more candy).

(Didn't help with any plans, but still it was a great watch)

Don't talk to me about the economics of Halloween. Houses like these were the reason I traveled around with 3 costumes so I could keep going back multiple times. Buying 3 costumes for 3 full size chocolate bars?! Yeah I learned everything I know about investment finance during my formative Halloween years (by the way, I know nothing about investments or finance. Clearly).

(I make it rain singles)

I wasn't able to afford 3 costumes every year, so I had to get creative. Or lazy depending on how you look at it. You have to give a little bit of time between visits too, or else they will know it's you again.

White sheet, 2 holes and 20 minutes. The secret to near unlimited candy.

"You know hun, there sure are a lot of crappy ghost costumes this year"
"I know, but I doubt it's the same person, because they come 20 minutes apart and are of varying height"
"What if it's just someone slouching?"
"Why do you always have to disagree with me?! I want a divorce!"

Wow, things really escalated quickly in my hypothetical scenario there. But remember kids, even though it could ruin a marraige, when you are eating four full size Crispy Cruch bars, you will not care.

(They had kid? Don't care!)

When I grow up, I'm going to be that house. It might bankrupt me, but I don't care. In the long run, it truly is worth it. Don't believe me? Well as a rascally youth let me tell you:

Kids remember that house all year round.

You lose a soccerball in the backyards and never get it back? You know what, leave that house be. They gave out full size chocs last Halloween. Expectations are now in place. Once you are "that house", you can't not be that house. If you are moving to "fun size" chocs, you are better off just moving. Kids are animals.

(Eric slashes tires if you cross him. DO NOT cross him)

Welcome the the Hall!

"Skynet" (NFL Zipcam)

Me and my friends (in this case "friends" meaning "everyone in existence") LOVE sky-cam. It has revolutionized football broadcasts and is one of the biggest breakthroughs in camera technology in the last 400 years. Oh yeah, but this will probably happen though:

(We call "SkyCam" "Skynet" as a joke. This sumbitch has no sense of humour)

Yeah, that zipline camera that helps us see roughing the passer and blocked punt plays clearer will (probably) one day rise up and enslave mankind. You know what? Worth it!

Welcome to the Hall, remember this when you take over. j.Bowman is a friend to robots.


As someone who loves sports, my love deepens when it comes to the post season. Yeah, the season is all well and good, but there is a desperation and a desire that you see in the playoffs that you don't otherwise. Sacrifice is the norm and the team that loses is almost always the team that doesn't give it every single ounce of will they have. Man, I'm getting fired up just writing about playoffs.

Yes Jim Mora I am talking about playoffs. And no, I'm not kidding you. They are amazing! Football playoffs are great because you've got one shot, one game, one moment... and anything else Eminem might have said in "8 Mile". Some people love that, some hate it. Some want a series between teams to truly prove who is best. Fine. Hockey, Basketball and Baseball have best of seven series' and they are outstanding. This really helps add something to Baseball because they have a 211 game season. C'mon, playoff baseball especially is incredible. This year was no exception. Would you rather watch the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals square off in game 102 of the year or stuff like this?

Only in the playoffs.

Welcome to the Hall.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" Video

It is my favourite thing about October. A 15 minute music video featuring zombies, a red leather suit and the SICKEST dance moves in history?! Amazing! The best part of the video might just be in the beginning when they are watching the movie and his girlfriend gets scared at 3:50. This exchange is as awesome as it is underrated:

"Can we get out of here?"
"No! I'm enjoying this".
(smiles happily to himself while watching movie)
"Well I can't watch".
(Girl leaves)
(MJ happily eats popcorn and watches for a moment, before leaving)

Welcome to the Hall.

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame

Thanks for Reading
- jB

j.Bowman is to twitter as fruit is to a cheese and cracker platter. It's an unfair team up and a waste of your time. Even so, grapes! (@jbowmancouver)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Jersey. Always. (Campaign Commercial)

June was a hot month. Temperatures soared and in order to beat the heat, t-shirts were required.

However, as an owner of many Canucks jerseys, the temperature was the last thing on my mind as the team marched toward their first Stanley Cup. I love wearing them, especially on game days. When the Canucks got into the Stanley Cup Finals, the fact that it was June and it was bloody hot did not make me rethink my fashion choices at all.

Jersey? Always.

I had been waiting to wear my jerseys on incredibly hot game days since I was 8 years old (the one out of place hot day in late March doesn't count). I wanted late round playoff hockey, and the jerseys to go with it.

I don't care what the occasion is, I love wearing my Canucks jerseys. So much so that I swear to all who read this, I will ONLY wear my Canucks jerseys from now until the end of the #ReplaceTheKB contest. "Flying V", "Skate", "Orca", "Orca that feels it has to specify where it's from", I got variety, so it won't be a problem. I just hope I don't have to attend any events where a Canucks jersey isn't really appropriate garb.

I don't care if it's a date, a business meeting or even a friend's wedding...

I will not leave my house without a Canucks jersey on. Game day or not. That is my promise.

Jersey. Always.

Thanks for Reading

- jB
I am on twitter (@jbowmancouver) or as the French would say "sur twitter". I can't speak French, I just use altavista translate.

Like what you see? Head HERE, click "share" and then go out and hug someone you care about today. I just watched the "Care Bears Movie" and those little guys had some great ideas...

#ReplacetheKB   #voteBow4Blog

Getting to Know Bow (Campaign Commercial)

After looking at the other 14 finalists for The Province's #ReplacetheKB contest, there is one thing I've noticed (aside from the fact that they are all pretty darn good at what they do):

I'm in a class of established Canucks bloggers, and nobody has ever heard of me or knows who I am.

I'm going to do my best to fix that though. So here is the first in my series of campaign commercials entitled:

"Getting To Know Bow"

I just watched that for the first time. I uhh... I have to make a call. Excuse me.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

I am on twitter (@jbowmancouver). It works out perfectly, cause my thoughts have a 140 character limit anyway.

Like what you see? Head HERE, click like, and then you know what? Make yourself a delicious sandwich. You earned it.

#ReplaceTheKB     #voteBow4Blog

Saturday, October 29, 2011

NHL Casting Call: The Washington Capitals

You never know when something incredible is going to happen. At any given time, we could be moments away from seeing something that will change the landscape of the entire world, and when such things happen there is always someone ready to capitalize on it.

Odds are that person is in Hollywood.

The turnaround from "Real Life Events" to "Movie Adaptations" these days is so fast. I remember the day after Steve Jobs passed away reading that they had greenlit a movie about his life. It happens just that fast (they've greenlit the Clint Eastwood biopic roughly 9 times, but he's got fight in him).

Hollywood has been responsible for a lot of great moments in my upbringing, and whenever I can I like to give back. I've now accepted that I will never pay them back for bringing "Jurassic Park" into my life, and that's okay. The best way I can think of to help them would be to compile casting lists for... everything, just in case something incredible happens and they want to make a movie. Casting just the right people takes time.

Who knows? Tonight's Canucks vs. Capitals game could see something unbelievable and earth shattering go down (Volpatti hat trick?) and when the movie gets made, I'll reap some pats on the back from the movers and shakers in Tinseltown. Here is who should play selected members of the Washington Capitals team. You have to put a bankable star up front, so the person playing Alex Ovechkin comes with the Oscar pedigree to sell tickets and get award buzz.

(Note: Some of these players will have to be aged slightly for this movie to work. Also, one of them might need to be re-written as a car).

You're welcome, Hollywood.


Alex Ovechkin

Played by:

Sean Penn
(Ironically, couldn't get a picture with a smaller head)

"North By Northwest Division" - Canucks/Capitals Preview

Say what you will about the last two games the Canucks have played, they had a game plan, and they stuck to it.

I'm assuming the game plan against the Oilers simply stated "Stop Ryan Nugent-Hopkins from scoring on us". And he didn't (others did). They played the St. Louis Blues the next day, and from what I saw nobody erased the game plan from the night before so they just played again using that strategy. Having said that, they still succeeded against the Blues by not allowing Nugent-Hopkins to score against them. So it wasn't all bad (actually... it still was).

Tonight the Canucks square off against the 7-1 Washington Capitals, who are coming off their first loss of the year which came at the hands of the Edmonton Oilers.

"What kind of team can't beat the Edmonton Oilers? Jeez Louise!" - Canucks fan with short term memory who curses like a grandma.

Here are a couple things the Canucks need to look out for in tonight's game:

1. Neutralize Ovechkin... The Real One


Top 5 Favourite Modern Canucks Moments

It is a basic, controlled, post premise. Do not get used to that.

I've been sitting here for awhile thinking about what I want my first post for this contest to be. Should I write about the Booth trade? Nope. Roughly 400 Vancouver sports journalists already beat me to that. How about I write about Kesler's naked picture? Nope. The less said about that the better ( There are muscles where there shouldn't be muscles. I swear he has an alien chestbuster running around inside his thigh muscle. Like in that movie..."Alien"). I'm not gonna post the picture, but he should know he is on "Stage 3 Ripley Watch".

(If he starts convulsing, she will do what she must to keep us safe)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Intro to j.Bowman Can't Sleep: Top 6 Posts

"Who the hell is j.Bowman, and why is he a finalist to replace the Kurtenbloggers?" - Everyone

Welcome new readers. I swear the blog is usually tidier than this. I uhh, just had some people over late last night and I didn't have time to clean. Care for a drink? No? Okay we will get straight down to the business at hand.

(Wait! Hold on, how did this get in here? Oh, right. I put it here)

In case you were wondering, my name is j.Bowman and I am the owner, operator, janitor and designated hitter for j.Bowman Can't Sleep. If you want to know more about me (like some quick facts) you can click on the "about me" tab at the top of the page. If you're like me (god help you), and are too lazy to click that tab all the way up there, I will give you a brief rundown on who I am, what I'm about, and whether or not I'm allergic to anything (spoiler alert: I am. "Non-awesomeness".)

I am a 26 year old from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. I enjoy singing, dancing and Chinese woks on the beach. In all seriousness (don't expect to read those 3 words here that often) I love many things, among them movies, sports and... umm...what do girls like these days? Yeah, whatever it is, I like that too. I started writing this blog back in April of 2010 and over the last year and a half have seen readership increase from 0 (even I didn't read it back in the early days) to a sizable amount of regular readers (whom I refer to as "Monpeeps", cause I like to sprinkle a little French here and there in my speech)

One thing I am very passionate about is the Vancouver Canucks hockey team. There are Trevor Linden references all over this blog and last year, even with readership expanding to places that don't care about the Canucks (4th World countries as far as I'm concerned), I started writing posts about the team. I write about whatever is on my mind, and being a fan of the team means that, well, they are at the forefront more often than not. Sorry to my readers in South Africa, you'll just have to deal with that.

If you are reading this, you must know that I am one of the finalists for The Province Newspaper's contest to replace the Kurtenbloggers (either that or you google searched "Pasty Idiot" and I came up after Conan O'Brien). I write about a great many things, the Canucks just happen to be one of them. To give you a sample of what I'm about and what my writing style is like, here are a few of my top 6 posts that aren't Canucks centric:

(Warning: These are pretty raw so there might be some punctuation errors in there. Oh, also there is quite a bit of swearing. I write a lot cleaner now, just know that some of these posts feature cussin')

"A Funny Thing Happened at 35,000 ft"

"My 6 Point Plan To Sit At The Grownup Table This Christmas"

"Blog Off 2011: The Buffet System is Broken, People!"

"Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One"

"Mall of Duty: Shopping Warfare"

"Irrational Fear of the Month: November 2010 - The Ocean"

There you have it, folks. If you no longer think I should get the job (or any job for that matter) I completely understand. There might have been flourishes of Canucks content in there, but if you want to read any of my recent Canucks posts (which are clean by the way. No cussin') links to the posts I wrote during the selection process can be viewed by clicking below. Just so you know what you are getting into if you choose to #VoteBow4Blog

Getting to Know Your 2011/2012 Vancouver Canucks

"The Gameover" Canucks vs. Rangers recap

Cody Hodgson & Liev Schreiber: Two Journeys?

"Weise Side Story" Canucks vs. Predators recap

"Young Guns II" Canucks vs. Oilers recap

Don't forget to follow me on Twitter (@jbowmancouver) or go on over to the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook page and click LIKE (the majority of the cool kids are doing it) and I thank you in advance for your support over the next few weeks. I'm up against some awesome talent with legions of followers, so if you love scrappy underdogs, I'm your man. I'm like "Rudy", only taller.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

"Young Guns II" - Canucks vs. Oilers Recap

The first true sequel of the 2011/2012 Vancouver Canucks season is now in the books, and there aren't a bevy of highlights. (someone bet me $4 I couldn't work "bevy" into my opening statement. I got double toonies comin' my way!)

The Canucks got it on with the Oilers for the second time this season in Edmonton on Tuesday night, and there were some definite holes in the plot. The first time they met, rookie sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins got his first career hat trick and he scored all 3 Oiler goals that night. Luckily the Canucks netted 4 goals and spoiled the party with a 4-3 win. Let's all pretend then that the Canucks had only one thing on their agenda for Tuesday nights game:

Stop Ryan Nugent-Hopkins from scoring a goal.

(aka "Operation: Jeez, c'mon guys! Stop him!")

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Thank You, Monpeeps!

"The first thing you should do is thank votre peeps" - A special someone's solid suggestion.

Yes folks, the news is in, and it is good. After narrowing down close to 90 submissions, The Vancouver Province has chosen the bloggers who will compete to replace longtime favourites The Kurtenbloggers as their beat writers for the Vancouver Canucks NHL hockey team. On the list? "The Sleepless Knight" himself, j.Bowman.

Friday, October 21, 2011

"Weise Side Story" - Canucks vs. Predators

Sometimes all it takes is a little perspective, some raw emotion and a fresh coat of paint.

A few short days ago, the sky was falling in Vancouver. Our star goaltender let in a few soft goals. Our #1 ranked power play unit (*cough* last year) went 0-8 and we got shut out for the second game in a row to drop below .500. As usual in this city, the villagers gathered their still always burning torches and got ready to storm Mike Gillis' office demanding trades be made. I swear if I read one more hypothetical trade scenario involving Luongo/Schneider for Vincent Lecavalier I'm moving to Atlanta. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Cody Hodgson & Liev Schreiber : Two Journeys?

I can't recall ever seeing acclaimed actor Liev Schreiber and Vancouver Canucks forward Cody Hodgson in the same place at the same time.

If there exists any evidence to the contrary, please let me know.

When the Vancouver Canucks drafted Cody Hodgson back in 2008, everyone was a-flutter over how he was going to be the next Trevor Linden (if you don't know who Trevor Linden is, well, I don't have anything more to say to you. Good day!). He had the raw talent and future leadership traits that defined Trevor Linden and possessed a similar skillset that would be a huge boon to the Canucks organization for many, many years.

In addition to all that, I had another theory about him upon first seeing him on draft day:

He is actually Liev Schreiber.

(Who might also be the dude on "Big Bang Theory")

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"The Gameover" - Canucks vs. Rangers

Ugh....w-what? What happened?

Those are almost always the first words someone with a hangover says. You wake up in a daze, head pounding as you quickly try and recap something that seemed really important last night. The next words you say define the kind of night you had.

"...Why am I in jail?" = Bad night.
"...*Sniff* who is making me breakfast in bed?" = Good night.
"...Who is making me breakfast in bed... in jail?...*sniff*" = To be determined.

But every so often I wake up feeling groggy and confused and my next words are:

"....Oh. right. Canucks game."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Getting to Know Your 2011/2012 Vancouver Canucks

Monpeeps, what is up? Yeah? Cancelled already? Wow I'm sorry to hear that. I never got a chance to watch the new "Charlie's Angels" show, but I know you liked it. Oh well, next season there will surely another remake of an awful old TV show you can get behind. Like a sexy, sultry remake of "WKRP in Cincinnati".

(We'll get to you, Canucks, don't worry)