Canada - (you know how I feel about you. You've gotten enough)
U.S.A. - I actually have no problem being your friendly, polite, hockey loving hat because of:- The NFL
- Cracker Barrel restaurants
- Your ability to flank my country with land (clutch move buying Alaska. We won't mess with you, promise.)
South Korea - When given my choice of Koreas, I'd choose yours every time because:- The other Korea is a real douche
- Your national sport is Taekwondo. So very very awesome.
- EveR-1 is the world's second female android (robot created to resemble humans) developed by scientists from South Korea.
Denmark - I would happily fight anyone who says the Danes aren't great because:- Walt Disney got the idea for his themepark after visiting the Tivoli amusement park in Denmark.
- You invented LEGO (but why does it never look like it does on the box?!)
- The local long form of your name is "Kongeriget Daanmark" which incidently will also be the title and name of the main character in a badass action movie I just decided to write.
South Africa - Nothing will segregate me from my appreciation of South Africa because:- The southern Free State town of Jagersfontein has the deepest vertical man-made hole in the world. Take that, planet! Way to show the Earth you're not gonna put up with it's bullshit, South Africa
- Based on my extensive research, there are more girls in South Africa with purple hair than in Canada. That's a problem for us, and a win for you.
- Your flag is awesome!
(Although we aren't really the authority on cool flags. Woooo...a leaf.)
The United Kingdom - One day I'd like to sit down and have tea with you because:- Your accents. No matter what you say, you sound very distinguished and I will accept anything you tell me.
- A law states that: "It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament". Which is equal parts awesome and unpunishable:
"My lord, Sir Chesterwickenshire has died""Where did it happen?" (breaks monacle)
"In the house of Parliament"
"Well then, he shall be arrested and sentenced to....dammit!"
- Your cops are called "Bobbies". I can only assume your Detectives are called "Roberts".
The Netherlands - I've been there twice, I barely remember it but I love it because:- Your devotion to the colour Orange.
- M. Laverman likes you, so I have no choice but to agree with him.
- According to my research, the highest point in your country is called "The Mountain". The Dutch: they call 'em as they see 'em.
Turkey - You guys don't take Istanbullshit from anyone. I respect you because:- The oldest tin mine was found in Göltepe, 60 miles south of Tarsus. As a HUGE fan of tin mines, this was great to learn.
- Istanbul is the only city in the world that was built on two continents.
- The largest lake in Turkey is called "Lake Van".
(Standard rules apply: Do not get into this van with a stranger...unless there is a promise of candy)
Sweden - For every crown on your hockey jerseys, here are reasons I like you. Because:- You guys perfected the zipper. My balls may not like that, but I think it's pretty cool.
- You gave the world Abba. Abba gave the world "Fernando". Fernando gave me something to listen to while I sit in the dark crying.
- Daniel & Henrik Sedin
Taiwan - My appreciate for you was made in Taiwan because:- G. Rushton loves you, so by association so do I.
- You guys have "Typhoon season". I'm assuming that comes right after "Unrelenting courage season" and before "Is that the best you got, nature?" season.
- You had the tallest building on earth until Dubai fucked you over in 2008.
Ukraine - You-rock because:- The Ukraine is slightly larger than Texas. (Suck it, Texas!)
- You are not Belarus
- I can't tell the difference between your Parliament and the Royal Rumble:
So there you have it. If I got anything wrong, feel free to email email@example.com and set me straight. Hopefully this temporarily offsets any pro-Canada sentiments that come from me on this blog. Just know that whatever the timezone, j.Bowman Can't Sleep.
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Thanks for readin'
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