j.Bowman Can't Sleep: Irrational Fear of the Month: August

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all 3 of you who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome.Of course I'm talking about Matthew Broderick's inability to age like the rest of us.

(Happy 52nd birthday you untrustworty monster)

Matthew Broderick must be stopped. You are not allowed to keep your boyish looks until you die, but he somehow has figured out how to do it. Every time I see this guy I'm amazed at how he looks just....slightly older. That's perfectly normal, however I only see him pop up in things every 5-6 years. He should look like it's been 5 or 6 years and not 5 or 6 minutes. Somewhere there is a painting of him that ages appropriately, while the him that's walking around stays so youthful looking.

You're probably thinking "I could sure go for a grilled cheese sandwich right now....also Matthew Broderick does look like he got older". He didn't. Sure, he has looked "different" through the years to try and trick us, but I'm not as easily fooled as principal Rooney. I think you can pinpoint the moment he became immortal somewhere around the mid-90s. Here are a few examples of things he is doing to distract us from trying to discover his secret:

1. Gain weight. (Try running through peoples backyards now, fatty.)

2. Bully children

3. Ride Horses (Fact: she is 3 years YOUNGER than him. He looks young and she looks like the heel on my right foot.)

4. Become a sensitive musician

5. Breastfeed while hungover

6. Grow SWEET sideburns

7. Become a 70s Batman Villain. (Man...just look at her. I may be scared, but she's petrified *rimshot*)

Those photos are all from a span of 12 years. So aside from a touch of grey in his hair (which I'm convinced he added as another distraction) he looks the same as he has since 1996. Why he shared this secret with Marisa Tomei and Rob Lowe is another thing that puzzles me and keeps me up at night. They are so old, but look so young I sometimes doubt that time is even passing. And that scares me. I will never learn to trust you until you start looking like normal people when they get old: awful.