Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Irrational Fear of the Month: September

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all 4 of you who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about the inhabitants of "Mcdonaldland".(The "R" stand for "run the fuck away")

You see those "lovable" characters up there? Each one of them has a backstory. And said backstory is full of terrifying facts about them (except for the Fryguys, cause seriously, fuck them). The others though, form a cabal of fright that goes unrivaled. As a kid I didn't really think anything of it. They were colorful. They were smiling. They liked the same foods and bands that I did. Everything was fine. But as I got older I realized that smiling sometimes is a facade used to cover up how one is really feeling (one of many things I learned from the band "Staind"). I call it the "bull-shit eating grin". Underneath lies such horrors that the happiness on the surface is even scarier. Let's all (4 of us) make a huge mistake together and have a look and see what's under these adorable abominations:

Ronald McDonald (the brains)
(Japan: not sugar coating anything since 1943)

Easy one. The evil is right there on his fucking face. A known factor in determine whether someone is insane comes right out of the first sentence of his bio: "The Clown inhabits a fantasy world called Mcdonaldland". Delusional psychopath?: you betcha. It also says that "over the years, Mcdonaldland has been phased out and now Ronald spends most of his time interacting with kids in their everyday lives". Something the kids clearly approve of:(Pictured L-R: Ronald Mcdonald, Appropriate levels of paralyzing fear)

They also say "women always go for jerks and assholes". Mcdouche is no exception:(You bitches are all smiles until you realize one of you is gonna be tied up in his basement.)

Birdie The Early Bird (The Aerial Threat)The only character in Mcdonaldland capable of flight. How she is able to fly with arms made of malignant tumors, I'll never know. Just another reason not to trust her I guess. Her name and gimmick is derived from the fact that apparently she is the Mcdonaldland embodiment of breakfast. Which just makes me want to scream in her face "WHY DO YOU CHARGE SO MUCH FOR ORANGE JUICE?!". Also, she's a psychopath. After reading her bio, there are 3 things about her which are RED FLAGS and prove that she should be approached only in case of- never! a)She once believed aliens stole her bird bath. 2) She knows Karate. c)Her origin states that "she was created when a giant egg fell from the night sky into Mcdonaldland, and Ronald Mcdonald decided to show the egg some love". Wait, what? You know what kinda shit happens when Ronald shows an egg love? DO YOU?!(j.Bowman can't sleep.....ever again.)

Hamburglar (The convict)This fucking guy. First off, he's a criminal...and we know it. It's in his name. Burglar. His bio states that he "started out as a villain but soon became one of the good guys". When is the last time this asshole did anything for the benefit of others? His greed and uncontrolled malice are the main reasons I now fear him, irrationally. Another is that he can't afford a $1.29 hamburger, and he is so intent on getting one that he desperately turns to a life of crime and will shank you, right in your back, if you stand between him and his addiction. One of the good guys indeed.

(NOTE: I also discovered that there was a secondary villain called "Captain Crook" whose main desire was to steal filet o fish sandwiches. Not making that shit up. He was a bit better at his job than Stripey McRapist up there, he actually got his filet o fish. Of course he died instantly after ingesting it, but that is beside the point. (Pour some orange drink on the curb for a fallen homie)

Mayor McCheese (the shady politician)I actually have nothing bad to say about Mayor McCheese. His bio opens with "he has a burger for a head", which is awesome. The sash? the off center top hat? the glasses it would be physically impossible for him to put on his face? So much about what he has going on up there is just fine by me. And just because it bears repeating: HE HAS A BURGER FOR A HEAD! YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!!!

I guess that's all the characters I'm afraid of from Mcdonaldland. It's been a bloodcurdling experience we 4 have shared togeth- What? Who? oh right:

THE GRIMACE (THE PURPLE DESTROYER OF WORLDS)Ho-ly shit! The undisputed champion of unearthly suffering. The Grimace is equal parts purple and awful. Like most of these characters, apparently The Grimace started out as a villain called, no lie, "The Evil Grimace". Of course he did (the hammer hit the nail so hard it had to retire due to concussion). But The Evil Grimace wasn't gonna dick around in the minor leagues and steal hamburgers. Fuck that, The Evil Grimace was going "game 7" on everyone and partaking in activities so nefarious he originally had 4 ARMS in which to do them(The Evil Grimace takes a well deserved milkshake break after blowing up an orphanage)

You know who else had 4 arms and wished he could be as evil as "The Evil Grimace"? (btw I'm going to keep saying it, and it's going to keep being purple so deal with it)(Goro from "Mortal Kombat". Inspired by "The Evil Grimace")

In 1972 he turned face and was "one of the good guys". Nobody in McDonaldland was smart enough to call "bullshit" (Mayor McCheese was busy just railin' bitches). Then we got some more backround on Grimace and found out about his family. The following insanity is absolutely true, from his bio:

"His first relative that became known in 1986 was his irish "Uncle O'Grimacy", who was just like Grimace only green and the creator of Shamrock Shakes. He only comes around once a year, around St. Patricks Day. Additional family members were revealed in a McDonaldland VHS tape "The Legend of Grimace Island": He has an unnamed mom, an unnamed dad, a grandma named "Winky", a great, great grandma named Jenny Grimace. He also has a brother named "King Gonga" who is "king of all the grimaces"........

Jesus fucking christ. I actually tried to locate a picture on the internet of King Gonga, but could not find one. THE ENTIRE INTERNET doesn't have a picture of this guy. There is nothing more terrifying than the fact that he could walk among us. Although I failed to locate proof of this grimace king, I did manage to stumble across a live action remake of "The Legend of Grimace Island":

(I think the fat guy is king of the grimaces)

I'm too petrified to continue writing this entry. This is much scarier than "Matthew Broderick's inability to age like the rest of us". While researching that fear I never came across a picture even remotely as horrific and unholy as this:

(j.Bowman's 4 readers can't sleep)

Thanks for reading


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