j.Bowman Can't Sleep: Irrational Fear of the Month: November

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all of the sleepless knights who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about The Ocean.

(Don't let it's serene appearance fool you, it contains a myriad of treachery)

I should start by saying that I love boats and I love being ON the ocean. I prefer Pacific to Atlantic cause, well, c'mon Atlantic Ocean, who are you kidding? Even the Indian ocean thinks you suck.

(I can think of a few other people who'd agree if they didn't freeze to death in you)

Now while I love boats, I am pretty certain that the main reason I do is that with each nautical mile they are giving the ocean the finger. If I had a boat I'd name it either "I'm gliding majestically right on your surface, bitch" or "Serenity". But just what is it about the Ocean that scares me, irrationally? Next time you are on the thing, look at it. Just....look at it. You know what's going on beneath the surface? Me neither. It is almost impossible to prove that sea monsters do not exist. In a world filled with uncertainty, that is one thing I'd like to know for sure.

(We could be seconds away from this at any time. I'm not cool with that)

Let's look at movies/TV for a second. Think of 1 movie or TV show, just 1, where good things happen on the ocean. Go ahead I'll wait.....maybe it isn't looking like such an irrational fear now, is it? Off the top of my head the following movies contain SGDOTO (Shit Going Down On The Ocean)

Waterworld - The Ocean decides it has had enough of land's bullshit and does something about it. And Kevin Costner drinks his own pee.

Gilligans Island - Boat sinks, clumsy moron annoys Captain, some rich old people, two hot chicks and a professor who is strangely without credentials. Part of me thinks he was actually a janitor on the mainland who saw an opportunity and went for it.

("I'm also a gynecologist")

Jaws - Asshole shark ruins fourth of July.

Perfect Storm - Hardworking bearded fishermen try to make a living, Ocean decides against that.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 - They happened.

Poseidon - The Ocean vs. the one man who has made it his bitch. Kurt Russell

(You know who didn't find it funny? The ocean)

Now, the ocean has apparently has a ruler. His name also happens to be Poseidon thus proving that ship was doomed from the start. There is a reason there has never been a plane named "Jesus". Poseidon carries a trident and is pretty badass. Although it's not too hard to be in charge when oceanic leadership basically boils down to Poseidon and these two idiots:

(Namor the Sub-Mariner vs. Aquaman. Settle down boys, you both suck.)

(Poseidon: uses waves to cover up his junk, punches ships in the face)

The ocean and humanity have had a tentative alliance for sometime now. We try and keep the oil spills and mass slaughter of it's inhabitants to a minimum, and in return the ocean provides us with something nice to look at, a dramatic method of throwing things away and a good place to pee if we're at the beach and too far away from the bathroom.

(Poseidon, if you don't like it you're a goddamn hypocrite)

Another reason to fear the ocean? The tide. Somehow the tide is working in correlation with the moon (Or so I learned from "Bruce Almighty"). Gravity is part of that too I think. So, lets look at that triumverate of terror: Water, Gravity, Outer Space. Those are some powerful forces. We are already at a disadvantage because 15/18th's of the earth's surface is covered by water (I was never good with fractions...or women). The fact that it is in bed with the moon really makes me uneasy. There is the sea, and then there is the "deep sea". There the ocean holds even more deep dark (and wet) secrets. Our previous efforts to explore this region have proven disastrous:

(In fish tanks around the world, we commemorate his sacrifice)

If shit ever goes down and we square off against the ocean, we're in deep troubs. The ocean has some bad motherfuckers on it's team. Sharks haven't had to evolve in millions of years (they have only had their own week for 700 years). Octopusses can fit into jars and predict the outcome of soccer matches (I can't do either of those things, so jealousy enters into it) and Dolphins? Well dolphins are the the only other species on earth who have sex just for the fun of it. So they are gonna be a lot more relaxed in battle than the Wolf Fish.

(AKA the "Virgin Fish")

I thought the worst and most terrifying sea creature in existence was the jellyfish. You can't predict it's movements, it looks pretty and if it stings you, well, you sir are gonna get peed on. Or you could just deal with the pain. I have never been stung, but I think I'd prefer that to the awkwardness that me and whoever I'm with will share for the rest of our lives. Jellyfish stings heal. Peeing on your girlfriend's leg? That's forever. Nobody is gonna bust your balls if you get bitten by a shark. But one encounter with an R.Kellyfish and people will be calling you "leg pisser" for years (assuming they aren't a very clever bunch). Now, I know there are other things down there, so in an effort to calm my fears I decided to do some research into just what exactly is going on down there. I should not have done that. Now I know where the Sharktopus must be hiding.

(If we fuck with the ocean, it will send it's greatest warrior against us.)

In closing, next time you go to the beach or are anywhere near an ocean, watch your back. It is far too big, too dangerous and full of too many deadly creatures for me to trust it. I was wrong about one thing, however. When I stated above that Captain Ron is the only man to bitchslap the ocean, I forgot about one dude. If for some reason we cross the line and the ocean decides to "Waterworld" our asses (I do pee in it quite a bit), we'll need the only person to tear the ocean a new asshole: Moses.

(Moses to ocean: "fuck you")

If Moses handed the ocean it's ass again, I think we'd be fine. I probably wouldn't miss it. As long as we still have "Crocodile Mile" I don't know why we even need the ocean.