Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Lion King Revisited: Who's The Asshole?

*MONPEEPS! With "Lion King" getting re-released in 3D I've decided to re-release this post from the early days of j.B.C.S. which even pre-dates the Irrational Fear of the Month and The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame. This post also comes from a time where only like 4 people read the blog, so some of you newbies might have missed it. Enjoy! Or don't. Just don't be a dick about it - jB*

Haven't written in a bit. Figured I'd come back with a long and completely insane viewpoint about a classic children's move. Why not?

8 year old me was completely wrong about the Lion King, and I didn't realize it until now. It came out in 1994, and I guess I was distracted by seeing the true face of evil lift the Stanley Cup that year to notice that the Lion King's protagonist/antagonist dynamic was backwards. At least the way it was presented to us.

Simba: Hero. Scar: Villain. Simple enough right. I mean, Simba is cute and cuddly and Scar has dark hair and....a scar. What an asshole right? Incorrect.

Now at the start of the movie, all the animals gather around to watch the Lion King (which at the time was Mufasa) get a rainbow faced baboon to run juice across his newborn sons forehead and and then hold the kid over the edge of a goddamn cliff, showing him off to everyone.

(If this were "300"...kid is gettin' tossed)

The animals then bow at the sight of this marginally cute lion cub. I'd like to think there is an unimpressed zebra down there who doesn't think the kid is all that cute. But there has to at least be a few animals who agree with my stance on this: Big deal, the lion's had a kid. So what? It's not like humans drop everything and fawn when a celebrity has a ch-.....touche, Lion King.

(That kid is the only one giving an appropriate response in this photo)

So because of Simba, Scar doesn't get to be king when Mufasa (his brother) dies. The kid gets it all. Scar in turn skips the "meet your future oppressor" celebration. Now, as far as I see it, Scar had 2 options:

1. Go to the celebration super pissed and be a huge wet blanket.
2. Stay home and brood quietly.

Whenever you wonder who the true villain of The Lion King is, just remember this phrase: "Scar stayed home". And what happens? Mufasa shows up and bitches him out about not showing up. Scar doesn't want this thing shoved in his face anymore that it already has been, so who's the asshole?

(Pictured: Rape)

So then, Simba starts to grow up, and Mufasa explains the "circle of life" to him. There is an unremarkable song about it too, but I'll just stick with Mufasa's description. So the kid asks "Why is it alright for us to just eat the antelope?" A fair question. Mufasa then drops this gem on Simba/the audience: 

"Well son, when we die we become the grass. And the antelope eats the grass. And then we eat the antelope. Circle of life! Boom! Suck it!"

I may have added the last part to that. So basically lions get to lay on the ground, die and decompose into grass, THEN the antelope gets to eat them? And that justifies the Lions slaughtering and eating live antelope. Who's the asshole? Grass doesn't know it's being eaten by antelope, yet the antelope is VERY aware it is being eaten by a lion. UNFAIR, LIONS!

("Circle of Life. Look it up. It's in the book, we wrote" - Lions)

Then we are treated to a big song and dance number song by the arrogant little prick called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King". A ballad about how much power and control he's going to have. Check out this choice lyric:

"I'm brushing up on looking down. I'm working on my roar".

What kind of elitist animal garbage is that? Fuck that lion. Even as a kid he is preparing to look at other animals as a class below him. AND THEN to drive the point home, he gets to end the song while on top of an extremely complicated looking animal pyramid.

(Normally I love seeing giraffes subjugated, but c'mon dude stand up for yourself!)

It is like 14 minutes into the movie and I'm already filled with disney rage. Just because Lion's are the best singers doesn't mean they should get to lord around all over the other animals. You know who doesn't buy into that shit? Scar.

(Scar, voting to start a basketball league for inner city at risk youths)

So the song ends and we cut to Scar, just hanging out in his shadowy cave, minding his own damn business when this little asshole lion Simba comes strolling (I chose that word very carefully. He fucking strolled) into Scar's cave and, well, take a look:

What a little shit. "Hey Scar, guess what? I'm awesome and I get everything when I'm older". Man, Scar was just trying to deal with things quietly in his own way and then he gets everything shoved right back in his face. I believe the entire movie would've played out differently if Scar hadn't been provoked here. AND THEN he manipulates the kid into wanting to go to the elephant graveyard, however he makes him PROMISE he won't go there. Simba promises not to and them bam! Next scene, he fucking goes there. So he breaks promises too. Who's the asshole?

("Hey Nala, know what I like more than lying? NOTHING!")

So then Simba almost gets eaten by hyenas (he's on their turf, fair game). He actually threatens them first, claiming that they should bow to him cause he will be king someday (this kid's ego is out of control!). The Hyenas, who have been cast out by Mufasa for being....ethnic.....try to kill the kid and Mufasa shows up to save the day. He later has a heartfelt moment with his son, who is a filthy liar remember, and lets him off the hook for almost getting himself killed. What kinda lessons is this kid learning?

(Lesson 1: Fuck Authority)

At this point, Scar has seen enough and he sings a very charming song called "Be prepared" which might as well have been called "Yes, I am going to kill my brother". It's obvious the movie is trying to make him out to be the bad guy now. Nothing does that better than having him give a rousing speach on a perch overlooking goose-stepping hyena soldiers. Like at 1:52 of the video.


See, Mufasa and Simba were such assholes that the people behind the movie needed to make Scar look like a nazi to convince you of his villainy. Aside from that though, it's a helluva number.

(note: at this point scar kills mufasa, and pretty much looks like a dick.)

(Pictured: Scar joins the n.W.o.)

After Mufasa dies, and Simba survives and runs away. He collapses in the desert where he is rescued by Timon & Pumba (presumeably about 40 minutes since Mufasa died). They ask what happened and he says grimly that he doesn't want to talk about it. Makes sense, you just saw your dad get trampled to death by wildebeasts less than an hour ago, that would emotionally scar anyone.

(Although Keanu didn't have to pile on the kids grief like he did. Bad form)

Then Timon & Pumba sing "Hakuna Matata" (a song about putting minor shit like being responsible for your dads death behind you) but Simba is still sad. He is so sad that he makes it all the way through 2 verses before he happily sings "It means no worries, for the rest of your days". He got over that rather quickly, which leads me to believe Simba is an emotionless monster. Who's the asshole? 1:52 into the video is evidence enough.

First thing Scar does as king is welcome back the hyena's who've been exiled to the outskirts of the land and forced to live off scraps like second class citizens. Scar isn't having any of that shit. He tears down that wall and forms a non-segregated Lion/Hyena society. What a guy. Then the rest of the movie plays out, Simba bangs his childhood friend Nala who convinces him to go kill Scar cause having hyena's around is making everyone nervous.

(I find it odd that I've spent so much time in bars and clubs yet I've never met a girl sluttier than this lion)

Simba goes back and tricks Scar into insulting the Hyenas, who then eat him. Then, after a while the barren wasteland that Pride Rock had become (which Scar totally gets blamed for, unfairly) becomes fully fertile and grass grows, flowers bloom, whatever the fuck it is trees do. Not only are Lions the best singers, they are also agricultural geniuses.

(Scar lost because he overthinks things. DUDE, C'MON YOU'VE DONE THIS BEFORE!)

End of the movie, Monkey guy comes back with Simba's kid, and holds him over the edge of the cliff. And thus, the Circle of bullshit continues unless there is someone who can put an end to it...

(OH SHIT! Scar had a kid!?)

Here is hoping they do a legit sequel to the Lion King and Simba gets Kovu'd, right in the goddamn face.


Thanks for Reading


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Mean Girls: Where are they now?

I love Mean Girls. it's hilarious and awesome and anyone who doesn't think so? Well I hope they choke on marijuana tablets. I figured I'd check up and see what the cast has been up to in the last six years. For no other reason than my own curiousity. This has nothing to do with the fact that 1 person's location and situation now is pretty awesome.

Rachel McAdams (Regina George) - Became more famous actress. Was in "The Notebook", "Wedding Crashers", "Red Eye" (which was awesome until Wes Craven turned it into Scream 4 halfway through) and "Sherlock Holmes". She is also set to star in Wes Craven's upcoming movie "Scream 4". Wait- what? (that one is actually a truth fact)

Amanda Seyfried (Karen Smith) - Became more famous actress. Starred in "Mama Mia", "Letters to Juliet", HBO's "Big Love" and "The Notebook 2: Dear John". She is set to star in "The Notebook 3: Someone goes to war, someone gets cancer".

Lizzy Caplan (Janis Ian) - Became more famous actress. Starred in "Cloverfield", HBO's "True Blood" (in which she was both topless and divine), and the excellent STARZ comedy series "Party Down". She is set to appear next in my sex dreams on a nightly basis.

Tina Fey (Ms. Norbury) - Became more famous actress. Starred in "Date Night". Won several emmys for her work on hit NBC sitcom "30 Rock". She is set to appear in....whatever she wants. People love her.

Tim Meadows (Mr. Duvall) - Became....equally as famous actor. But according to IMDB trivia, he has two sons. Good for you, Tim Meadows.

Jill Morrison (Crying Girl) - Became more famous actress. Has appeared in 23 additional film/tv shows after her star-making turn as that girl who lost her shit during the part where they talk about their feelings (she just wished things could go back to the way they were!).

Lindsey Lohan (Cady Heron) - Became laughingstock/cautionary tale. Due to repeated disrespect of the law and blowing all the 2nd, 3rd, fourth and 5th chances celebrities get, she is currently appearing in jail for the next 90 days.
(on the left is her being told she cannot pass "go". The right? Her finding out she cannot collect $200)

So yeah. Judge laid the smackdown on her, finally. And although she got 90 days when someone else would've gotten much more (she served 84 minutes of a 24 hour jail sentence a few years ago) it's nice to live in a world of....eventual justice.

I want to leave on a positive note. Not that the news above isn't positive. Let's check in with Lizzy Caplan-Bowman again:

(Currently one of numerous Mean Girls cast members not in prison. Pretty sure Coach Carr got locked up for being a pedophile)

So those are the updates for "Mean Girls: Where are they now?".

oh, and none for Gretchen Wieners.

Thanks for reading


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

B.P.S. Vol. 2 - Vancouver's "Strategic Alliance"

The next Bullet Point Summary details thoughts I had while watching the Vancouver Canucks press conference announcing a new "Long Term Strategic Alliance" (pronounced "corporate sponsorship") with Rogers including re-naming "GM Place" (aka The Garage) to "Rogers Arena" (aka....GM Place)

- Rogers head and Canucks head exchange company shirts for a photo op. Rogers guy puts on a nice, crested Vancouver Canucks jersey ($129.99 cdn). Canucks representative puts on a white, long sleeve shirt with the Rogers logo on it ($12.99 cdn or free giveaway on opening night). It's like exchanging a delicious sandwich for a picture of a sandwich that only has 1 piece of bread.

- The should name the arena after a great event that happened there. I'm open to either "Canada Hockey Place", "That awesome Tool concert in 2001 arena" or "That place where I got a handy in the ladies room at halftime during a Steve Nash charity basketball game forum"

- While the online feed of the press conference was loading, an advertisement played letting me know of a contest I can enter to win Vancouver 2010 Olympic tickets. Strange they didn't mention the time travel device that would have to be included to make this relevant.

- They are obviously gonna nickname the arena "The Phone Booth". The only person who hates this more than me might be Colin Farell...or anyone who saw "Phone Booth"

- "Hello, Toronto? Yes. I need to know, did the puck cross the line? Hello? No, wait I- hello? Can you hear me now?"

-Refs no longer blow calls, they drop them.

- Whoever owns the web address for "" would've made millions if the Canucks organization had balls.

- I really wish they would stop referring to it as a "Strategic Alliance". Hall & Oates, now there is a strategic alliance.

- My campaign to rename it the "Trevor Linden Thunderdome" died a horrible, horrible death today.
"Two men enter, one man never retires"

thanks for reading


Monday, July 5, 2010

Lebron James will leave Cleveland inhuman monster.

NBA free agency is upon us.....I'll give it a minute to let the excitement die, people sure care about NBA free agency and don't mind at all that their league is not very good. Ok, I will admit that unless it involves Steve Nash or ex Toronto Raptors coach Sam "superfly" Mitchell, the NBA can go fuck itself. I loooooove college hoops but the NBA has a ban on defence until game 5 of the NBA Finals and that just won't do.
However, there is something incredibly interesting and potentially hilarious this offseason. Chris Bosh (Toronto) and Dwayne Wade (Miami) are free agents. Big deal. People have been counting down the days, literally, for another player to enter free agency this year, and I just so happen to like him. Lebron James. Basically just like Steve Nash, only slightly bulkier.

First off, he is from Akron, Ohio and he plays for his homestate team. I love that. Also here is a guy who just recently gave up wearing #23 because he felt only Michael Jordan should be permitted to wear that number. How it took him 7 years to reach this conclusion, I'm not sure. But he did. I think the guy is an awesome basketball player and so do several professional basketball teams outside of Cleveland. At least 6 teams have been dumping salaries for the last TWO YEARS just to try and free up enough coin to land this guy. Jay-Z has been trying to get him to come to New York/New Jersey for even longer than that. "Lebron Watch" has officially kicked off. The man is free to sign with any team he likes. Cleveland, however, will not go down without a desperate, guilt-ridden fight. Check this shit out:

I can't post the video, sadly. And I don't wanna violate any (more) copyright laws and get sent to internet jail (It's the one place without porn) but essentially it is a 10 minute video produced by the Cavs comprised of highlights from his career set to damn inspiring music, quotes about how he is on a mission to bring a championship to Cleveland (seemingly taken from his first season 7 years ago). It is basically the visual equivalent of that mix CD you made that time to convince her to stay. And that totally worked with her, right? If he re-signs, it will be a great day for the highlight video industry. IT EVEN QUOTES GLADIATOR! My favorite part has to be the empassioned pleas from sports fans, kids, old ladies, and down on their luck folks who want to see this fella come back and play the basketballs for the Clevelands. Shit, the kid at 9:50 of the video is crying just thinking about the possibility of Lebron leaving. I swear this kid is gonna do something terrible to himself if Lebron doesn't come back.

Can you handle that Lebron? Can you handle crushing the dreams of at least 1 child just to cash in a big paycheck and move on to the big city?
"I'm King James, Bitch!"

Notice he is not holding up a boombox playing Peter Gabriel. Move on Cleveland, he doesn't love you.

thanks for reading


This Week In Nerd Rage: Episode I - Wonder Woman's "new" origin.

As is the standard, few will care...

On July 4th 2010 I came across an article on "" (what? I read that site all the time). The article in question mentions how one of the DC Comics "big three" is getting a new series with a new costume AND a "new" origin story. The character they are talking about is Wonder Woman. I'm pretty sure she is included in the big 3 (Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman) plainly as an affirmative action initiative. She sucks, and has always sucked.

I don't dislike the character because she is a woman and admittedly I haven't read alot (any) of her comics. I'm pretty sure they all deal with her going around and cheating on guys by making out with other guys at clubs, then lying about it. Also she has an invisible jet and a rope that makes you tell the truth. Oh and she's a princess who runs around dressed like a very patriotic prostitute.

 (If you don't like the truth, put down your truth rope)

Now from my understanding, her origin story WAS that she was a princess of an amazonian warrior tribe who was casted out for some reason or another. That's all well and good. I don't really care. However in order to revamp the character, a "new" origin was created for her. According to DC Comics: In the re-imagining of her story, Wonder Woman, instead of growing up on Paradise Island with her mother, Queen Hippolyta, and her Amazon sisters, is smuggled out as a baby when unknown forces destroy her home and slaughter its inhabitants. Bitch stole Superman's history. Unbelievable!

 I've actually come up with my own alternate Wonder Woman origin:

Wonder Woman was born on a distant planet that blew up for some reason. As a baby she was sent off on a spaceship before the planet ate shit. Her spacecraft...which was invisible btw... hurdled towards earth at blinding speeds. Before it got there, it was bombarded with cosmic rays for some reason, giving her 4 deadly womanly powers (Manipulation, looking good in thigh high boots, pretending she didn't receive text messages and shopping). Most of these powers lay dormant until a later accident involving...let's say gamma rays. Upon her arrival on earth, she is adopted by a billionaire couple, who raise her like she is their own. Unfortunately they get shot to death in an alley cause she was too much of a wimp to watch a fucking opera. They leave her all their money and her own slave kinda evens out. She grows up, has a gamma ray accident and becomes Wonder Woman. Then a dying alien gives her a powerful green ring that entitles her to half of his shit if he ever cheats on her or dies, which he does immediately after giving it to her. She also gets bitten by a radioactive hooker on the 4th of july. The End.

I gotta say, I think I nailed it. In writing this I realized that almost every superhero has some tragedy involving dead parental figures in their origin. Kinda makes you want to go to an orphanage, and just to cheer the kids up, let them know that all the hardships they have faced are part of a wicked origin story. If you were a horrible person, that is what you'd do.

thanks for reading


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bullet Point Summary Vol.1 - Dutch v. Brazil

The first BPS deals with the bullet points and random thoughts I had whilst (best word ever) watching the Netherlands take on the heavily favored Brazilians in the 2010 World Cup. I don't particularly like soccer or care really. But I do like the color orange and dutch names.

- Pre game I attempted to get fired up and excited about the game during the announcing of the starting lineups/substitutions.
"This is bullshit! I can't believe the Dutch aren't starting Vorm! Don't they know he consistently out-soccer's other players?!"

- The Netherlands national anthem, at times, sounds strangely like "O' Christmas Tree". And by "strangely" I of course mean "exactly".

- Before the game all the players pose behind a "Say No To Racism" banner. "Say No To Racism" of course narrowly edged out "Enchantment Under the Sea" as World Cup theme.

- 9:21 gone in the game and more players have fallen down than minutes have passed. This is bullshit. If I say the same thing at halftime (45 min) I am done with soccer forever. "PLAY LIKE MEN!"

- Dutch player gets a free kick and boots it WAAAY over the net. The announcer drops this gem on the audience: "Van Persie....trying to score against Cameroon, I guess". Hilarious. The guy is the British Don Taylor.

- The announcer informs the audience that in all World Cup meetings between the two teams, there has never been a goal scored in the first half. Awesome. I should go watch some Breaking Bad and check in later.

- Dear Holland, is it too much to ask for to have 1 player out there in wooden soccer cleats? Vorm would do it.

- Brazil scores. I get mad. Netherlands try and push back. Holy shit! I'm actually being entertained!

- In a compliment to this match's intensity, it's 19 minutes in before I start wishing for a brutal headbutt.

- The fastest guys on the pitch? Sideline judges. WATCH THOSE GUYS RUN!

- The Vuvuzela horns sound like an angry swarm of bees. I find this element intrigueing and exciting. The World Cup 2014 theme should be "Now with Bees". I'd watch the shit out of that.

- Halftime. Even though they are pro's, I still picture the players getting orange slices and juiceboxes from team mom.

- "Adidas proudly presents World Cup 2010" No shit.

- Netherlands score! Had to have been the orange slices.

- Before a free kick, there is a lot of shoving going on as the players jockey for position. The refs don't like that shit so one of them gets in there to stop it. Van Bommel (dutch player, obviously) starts nonchalantly shoving someone out of the way, not realizing it is the referee. The awkward moment when he looks over and then pretends he wasn't doing anything was classic.

- Netherlands score again, almost did a fist pump (not sure yet if soccer has achieved "fist pump" status)

- Red cards should have stuff written on them. Like "fuck you".

- Netherlands substitution. I hope and pray that Vorm gets put in to ice this thing.
"Robin Van Persie - out. Klaas Jan Huntelaar - in". Forget Vorm, that is one of the most badass names ever!

- Dutch win, Brazil gets eliminated and I'm actually satisfied with my decision to watch the game. The world hasn't turned upside down, but it is definitely at least sideways.

thanks for reading