Tuesday, August 31, 2010

B.P.S. Vol 4 - What's on TV right now?

For my fourth Bullet Point Summary I thought I'd do a random sampling and observation of anything interesting on channels 2-57 at 9pm on 8/31/10:

- Channel 6: "Illegally Yours" a 1988 comedy starring Rob Lowe. Awesome storyline: "Rob Lowe as a juror infatuated with an accused murderer". One star. No shit.

- Channel 9: "Shaq vs." This show always comes through with something insane. In this episode, the second season finale, Shaq competes in a dance challenge with Justin Bieber AND competes in a monologue faceoff with Jimmy Kimmel on "Jimmy Kimmel Live". How do I not watch this?!?!?!
-- Who lets 9 year old girls into a press conference?
-- Bieber sounds hungover. Voice is gone. Said he had a late night last night. So....10:30?
-- Nobody asks the hard journalistic questions like 9 year old girls.
-- Justin Bieber asked for his final thoughts on the competition: Says nothing, knocks over microphone, stares at Shaq.
--They go bowling. Trick shot style. Bieber: "this shot is called the free throw, I bet you can't hit this one". Then he just stares at Shaq to make sure he heard him. Kid's got balls.
-- Shaq comes out on Jimmy Kimmel wearing a silk shirt, that probably doubles as a sail on a pimp's pirate ship

(His character in Kazaam had great depth. He wasn't just a genie, he rapped too)

- Channel 12: "White Collar" airs it's first season finale. I've never heard of this show, but apparently Neal and Alex paired up (FINALLY!) to go after the elusive music box at the Italian Consulate. Meanwhile, "Peter asks Diana to help him get rid of Fowler". Peter you dick, FOWLER = RATINGS!

- Channel 13: "America's Got Talent". You know what America also has? A lot of time on their hands.

- Channel 18: Weather Network. It's raining (repeat)

- Channel 20: America's Funniest Home Videos. How the hell is this still on while Arrested Development gets cancelled?!

- Channel 22 (sportsnet pacific) - "A 1999 hockey game resulting in a 4-4 tie between Catholic Central and Trenton is replayed 10 years later". It'd be better if the same two teams met 10 years later to settle it. You know what is worse than a tie in sports? Knowing about it beforehand.

- Channel 27: "Science and Islam" Sounds way too controversial. Moving on...

- 28: Glee - blah blah blah SONG blah blah blah kid in a wheel chair blah blah blah cheerleading coach is a bitch blah blah blah SONG. Next week: repeat the same formula, only backwards...and with Josh Groban.

- Channel 32 - "Roast of Larry the Cable Guy" - Unless this is just people continually walking up to the mic and saying "You're fucking awful", it's not an honest roast.

- Channel 34 - "19 Kids and counting". Not a profile on promiscuous sports stars. Next!

- Channel 35: "Let's talk about Pep". A reality show starring Pepa from "Salt n' Pepa". After watching for 3 minutes, I realized all the songs I thought were by "Salt n' Pepa" were actually done by either TLC or En Vogue, so fuck that. Apparently the show "chronicles her return from a four year hibernation as she attempts to recapture love and fame in New York City" It's adorable that this show thinks Pepa was a) relevant in 2006 and 2) it's a big deal she has come out of hibernation.

- Channel 42: "Destroyed in Seconds" "A silo collapses onto a tractor and its driver; a dropped grenade kicks off massive explosions; a race car crashes; a plane crashes near a baseball game". Also, boobs probably (that would've been a great sequel to "Love Actually")

- Channel 49: "Man v. Food". Been there before. I have no desire to watch someone go through what I went through on "all you can eat sushi" night.

- Channel 50: "King of the Hill". Did anyone ever like King of the Hill? I've only met one person who did and she sucked.

- Channel 53: "Stargate". Fuck yeah, when was the last time you watched Stargate? Not the 40 or so ass TV shows, the real deal? The 1994 Kurt Russel asskicking thrill ride? It's.................

(2 hours later)

...............not as good as you remember.

(And I still have no idea what sex this character is supposed to be. "Shim" will have to suffice for now)

Thanks for reading


Saturday, August 28, 2010

B.P.S. Vol 3 - Job hunting on craigslist

For the latest "Bullet Point Summary" I have decided to focus on the hour and a half I spent on craigslist looking for a new job. I have always feared job hunting on craigslist. It seems that every porn career probably started out with a craigslist jobsearch or at least had one involved before someone took "the plunge" (oddly, not a name of a porn movie)

- Build a Bear workshop description promises "Un-bear-lieveable" opportunitities. I can come up with cute bear puns too. Try this one on for size: "why don't you grizzly go fuck yourselves?"

- Typo's can really hurt job postings. Especially when you are asking people to apply for a position in "New Westmonster, BC". Cowards need not apply.

- Bead store sales representative. "Must have a passion for beads". It's okay to like them, but if you have a passion for beads, you've botched your life. Unless you are at mardi gras and you have to earn them.

- Florist wanted. Maybe I could be like, a badass florist. That's be cool.

- posting in squamish for "Random Clothing store". I love it already, it knows it's place in the world.

- Whenever I see "valid drivers license and heavy lifting may be required", I immediately believe the job is "disposing of bodies for the mafia"

- saw a job posting for "S.W.A.T." got excited. Found out it stood for "Special Workforce Action Team". Got less excited (the word action is still in there, so that's something at least)

- A Kitchen store in Kitsilano named "Call the Kettle Black" is hiring. Hypocrites preferred.

- posting for "Smoothie Master". Guess I've finally reached the porn ones.

- Would consider applying and "Black and Lee Tuxedos" but only if I could specialize in magicians

- "Potters Monsters" haunted house in surrey is looking for people. Job description: "No acting experience is necessary, but the job requires a desire to do your best. Acting in a haunted house can be both fun and rewarding. The power you have over people looking to be frightened can be very exhilarating". They are currently only hiring security guards and parking attendants. Being a parking attendant at a haunted house is step 5 on the "7 things that have to happen for me to consider killing myself" list.

- "Fitness Model" req. = "Girl on sex chat commercial" req.

- Qualifications to work at Playlands "Fright Night" haunted house: Grade 11 complete, good knowledge of the halloween industry, ability to wear a costume.

- Mall Santa's make $25/hr. What the fuck?!?!

- "Wanted: Cheese Lovers". Sadly, I only like cheese as a friend. Relish on the other hand....

- Hardest job for a man to get: Lingerie salesperson
Equivalent difficulty job for a woman to get: Male model.

- Store Manager posting for "The Urban Tea Merchant". I was going to apply but sadly their company slogan is not "We got tea, muthafucka!" so I guess I will continue my search.

- Waiting for the day I log on and see "Sam Elliot's mustache groomer" as a posted job. Sadly, this will never be cause that shit grooms itself.(Nobody has ever needed my help less)

Thanks for reading


Friday, August 27, 2010

An Open Letter to Andrew L. Urban & Micheal Ordona

Dear Andrew L. Urban & Michael Ordono,

Fuck you. Both of you. Seriously. I cannot believe you both are published film critics and you are the only two that gave positive reviews for the movie "Vampires Suck" (that godawful Twilight parody, sadly in theatres now and for another week probably). What happened to you in your cinematic childhoods that have you wired so completely backwards? Did Forrest Gump touch you inappropriately? (that movie touched a lot of people, not all have come forward). Did the Empire never strike back even though they promised they would? Did Jurassic Park take you to a pro sporting event and then leave you with a mob enforcer as collateral as they went off to try and sell your ticket to settle a gambling debt? (happened to this guy I knew who although he looks and sounds exactly like me, is not me). Seriously, what do you two assholes have against good movies?

Now while I haven't seen "Vam-"....the movie in question (it will henceforth be referred to is "that shitty thing that happened"), I don't feel I have to see it to review it. You didn't have to see it either. Did you want to? Are you "cine-masochists"? I have watched tons of bad movies. I love them. Not only do they make you wonder just how in the hell they got made, they make you appreciate the "Shawshank Redemption's" of the world that just want a little lovin' touchin' and squeezin'. While "Ghost Rider" made me laugh, it's still shit. I know it is. I can recognize it. But while that might be a blip on the bad movie radar, "That shitty thing that Happened" is a nuclear bomb of horrid. I don't have to see a nuke go off. I get it, it's devastating.

It's not like we didn't see this coming. Friedman and Seltzer (the guys that made that shitty thing happen) have been doing this for years. Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, all of it is these guys' fault. They are raping the spoof genre and when you gave "That Shitty Thing That Happened" positives reviews, you are guarding the door. Might not be doing the damage, but you're just as guilty. You should be thrown in "movie jail", but you'd probably just end up watching "Cool as Ice" and giving it positive reviews before you converted to islam. (Too much of this is awesome to call attention to one specific part. I've actually seen it. Hilarious)

I don't wanna tell you how to do your jobs, but I'm going to. Here is what a review for "That Shitty Thing That Happened" should look like:

"Fuck that movie, I didn't see it. But it's awful"

See? yeah THAT'S a review. I don't believe this to be a simple matter of "humor is subjective" and "everyone is entitled to their own opinion". Your opinions should not be printed if they are in support of a movie that has changed the main characters name from "Edward Cullen" to "Edward Sullen". Do you- do you get it? DO YOU GET THE JOKE?!?! CAUSE HE POUTS!?!?! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!. And then two writers got paid millions for that idea while I quietly weep for future generations.
(NOTE: This is normally where I would post a picture from "That Shitty Thing That Happened" and make fun of it in some way. However I hate that thing so much, I figure a nice Lizzy Caplan break is more beneficial to my wellbeing and your personal safety)
(ahhh. Feel much better now)

Now Andrew, I know you write for "Urban Cinefile", which gives you about as much clout as I have here with my readership of 4, But Michael Ordona you write for the "L.A. Times". According to my consulting of a globe, that's in Los Angeles.....where they make movies. You should know better. Even Shaq is laughing at you from atop his mountain of bad decisions.
(It was either this, or "Shaq Fu". Either would have worked, but him playing a rapping genie is too much not to call attention to whenever I can)

In closing, I just want to say that you are about as much film critics as I am a park bench. Not at all. I honestly feel like if I showed you the first 10 minutes of "Up" your heads would explode (just like my tear ducts explode all over my face). You know that empty place in your heart is? The void that was left there the last time you got your heart broken? That's right where "Up" moves into, and it's there to stay.(Although this is a touching moment, something tells me some bad shit's about to go down)

I was gonna put a spoiler warning on that, but a) it's in the first 10 minutes. b) It's been over a year and if you haven't seen "Up" by now you have no soul.

Thanks for reading.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Lou Diamond Philips: A Wikipedia Biography

Who knew Lou Diamond Philips ("sir" to his friends, enemies, therapists) was such an interesting guy? Something about the guy has always seemed awesome, but unplaceable. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I decided to do some exhaustive research (Wikipedia, followed by smores pop tarts....eating the whole box = shame) to lay out some facts about the man formed by compressed coal (Wikipedia'd "diamonds" too. Apparently people kill for them).

The facts are as true as my comments about them are stupid. Here we goooooooo......

- LDP is 1/8 cherokee. 1/8 people haven't seen Young Guns.

- "Lou Diamond Philips" is NOT his real name. It's actually "Lou Diamond Upchurch". Wait, what?

- His character's name in "The Big Hit" was "Cisco". Which of course is spanish for "that guy just wont fucking die!"

- After divorcing his first wife, she went on to have a lesbian relationship with Melissa Etheridge, thus proving once you go Lou Diamond, you never go back.

- He played King Arthur on stage in "Camelot". Of course he fucking did!(pictured: No Brainer)

- After 24 days in the jungle, was declared the winner of the reality show "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here". The show was supposed to last 40 days, but after 24 the producers realized he was the only celebrity there, and complied with his demand to get out of there.

- Plays "Colonal Telford" on "Stargate Universe". Somewhere there is a huge Stargate nerd saying "YEAH HE DOES!"

- Autobiography is called "A Diamond Philips in the Rough: The Life and times of Lou Diamond Philips". This is the best fucking thing ever in the history of anything.

- Was once engaged to Jennifer Tilly, but then he regained his hearing, heard her speak and that was the end of that.

- Is good friends with Keifer Sutherland. Also good friends with Keifer Sutherland: Drunken Misdemeanors. AT THIS POINT IN MY RESEARCH (LIVE AT 2:41 am.) I DISCOVERED HE WAS ARRESTED FOR DOMESTIC BATTERY IN 2006.

So fuck this guy. Lou Diamond Upchurch, you died in my eyes today sir.

From this day forth the only thing I will "Stand and Deliver" is a "Big Hit" to your "La Bamba" with my foot. (he was also in movies called "Extreme Justice" and "A Show of Force" but those jokes were too easy) There is one final thing we need to know about Lou Diamond Philips....

He's planning something.
thanks for reading


Irrational Fear of the Month: August

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all 3 of you who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome.Of course I'm talking about Matthew Broderick's inability to age like the rest of us. (Happy 52nd birthday you untrustworty monster)

Matthew Broderick must be stopped. You are not allowed to keep your boyish looks until you die, but he somehow has figured out how to do it. Every time I see this guy I'm amazed at how he looks just....slightly older. That's perfectly normal, however I only see him pop up in things every 5-6 years. He should look like it's been 5 or 6 years and not 5 or 6 minutes. Somewhere there is a painting of him that ages appropriately, while the him that's walking around stays so youthful looking.

You're probably thinking "I could sure go for a grilled cheese sandwich right now....also Matthew Broderick does look like he got older". He didn't. Sure, he has looked "different" through the years to try and trick us, but I'm not as easily fooled as principal Rooney. I think you can pinpoint the moment he became immortal somewhere around the mid-90s. Here are a few examples of things he is doing to distract us from trying to discover his secret:

1. Gain weight. (Try running through peoples backyards now, fatty.)2. Bully children3. Ride Horses (Fact: she is 3 years YOUNGER than him. He looks young and she looks like the heel on my right foot.)4. Become a sensitive musician5. Breastfeed while hungover6. Grow SWEET sideburns7. Become a 70s Batman Villain. (Man...just look at her. I may be scared, but she's petrified *rimshot*)
Those photos are all from a span of 12 years. So aside from a touch of grey in his hair (which I'm convinced he added as another distraction) he looks the same as he has since 1996. Why he shared this secret with Marisa Tomei and Rob Lowe is another thing that puzzles me and keeps me up at night. They are so old, but look so young I sometimes doubt that time is even passing. And that scares me. I will never learn to trust you until you start looking like normal people when they get old: awful.(Michael Keaton - Every wrinkle on his face makes me trust him more. And he was Batman!)

Thanks for reading