Monday, November 8, 2010 presents: j.Bowman Sells Out

 "CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from contemporary coffee tables  to fantastic fitness equipment to cookware!"

Recently I was contacted by an online company with an opportunity to plug their site on j.Bowman Can't Sleep. I wrestled with it at first, but after roughly 56 seconds of thinking about it, I thought about what film legend Gene Hackman would do in this situation. Aside from being awesome, I'm sure he would flat out refuse to do such a thing. I was flattered that this company would think me and the 13 people who read this could positively affect their business, but my opinions are not for sale! In order for this blog to maintain it's high standards of integrity, I can't allow it to turn into a billboard. Not on my watch. And I refuse to be a shill and push products on this site....unless I get paid believe in them.While I will not mention the company who approached me, I will tell you one thing. It definitely wasn't the single greatest online shopping site in the history of the internet (all of it) : (Out of respect for their awesomeness, I will not cuss in this post)

Now, I know there are many options out there for online shopping. Several sites, especially one named after a particular rainforest (that is my clever way of sidestepping a lawsuit), may SEEM like a good place to go for...goods. But they are not. They are bad.

Christmas is coming up (so is hanukkah or any other December holiday about "love and togetherness" aka "sweet presents and too much food") And there are plenty of options when it comes to your shopping. But let me ask you this: Can you shop at Stallmart (that is my incredibly lazy way of sidestepping a lawsuit) and look at pornography at the same time? Well...hypothetically you could, although I don't recommend it. I heard someone got arrested doing that in 2006 and although he looked and sounded exactly like me, was not me. When you shop online, you have those kind of options. But why would you buy something online from "" (Now I'm not even trying anymore) when you have the option to log on to and enter an online shopping wonderland the likes of which have never been seen before. So why don't you follow me down the rabbit hole and see what I'm so excited about.

First of all, has over 200 "stores" online. You name it, they carry it...and they carry it like champions. Say you were going back in time to the 1980s and you needed a waterbed. BAM! They got you covered. Need a wall clock? Time to go to's wall clock store "" (as opposed to ""). Say you needed to make a grand swashbuckling entrance but can't figure out how to do it. I will tell you how: go to and visit the chandelier page (they absolutely have one, because, of course they do). Tired of turn of the century baby furniture? They have you covered with a page dedicated to "modern baby furniture". That is just the tip of the iceberg folks.

The middle of the iceberg? They have world globes, expresso machines, binoculars, cribs, conference tables, shoes,  dog beds, fountains and hammocks..........

I had to take a break for a few minutes because my fingers hurt listing all the various high quality products that are available on

The bottom of the iceberg (but still part of the iceberg nonetheless) Adirondack chairs. Now, I have never liked adirondack chairs. I think they are extremely uncomfortable and a chair made from several bits of wood in odd shapes is something I wish did not exist. HOWEVER I will say that if I ever were to sit in an Adirondack chair, I would only put my bum in one of the ones available on the Adirondack store on (Did you know they start at $59.99?! That is $110 less than if I bought the chair elsewhere and had accidently left $100 on the ground after I bought it)

(Also available in a wide variety of colors. Like TEAL!!!!)

I wish some of  the great leaders in history were alive to shop on Lincoln would be ALL OVER the porch swing store. I heard from nobody that he loved porch swings.

(He loved them more than dope beats. And he LOVED dope beats)

I could go on an on listing the products that carries, but we would be here for hours (which we would be able to verify with our classy Howard Miller Bergen Quartz Pendulum Wall Clock. Did you know that clock has a current rating of 4.8 on's wall clock store? I don't know what the maximum rating possible is, but based on the craftsmenship and elegance of this freaking clock I'd say it is 4.8/2. Don't believe that the clock would have a rating of +2.8? Well feast your eyes on this beauty:

(blogger would not allow me to post something this beautiful any larger than this. Had I done so, your eyes might've melted out of your head. You're welcome)

Now, I have mentioned several products that carries, but I'm sure you all are wondering "Hey, j.Bowman, how much can you benchpress? Oh, and also, what doesn't carry?"  To answer your first question, I can benchpress 294 lbs (unless someone is watching, then for some reason it's substantially less). To answer your second question, here is a list of items that DOES NOT sell on any of it's 200+ store sites:

- Babies tears.
- Chumbawamba cd's
- bags of hair
- socks with holes in them (all of their socks are hole-less)
- damp jeans
- bottomless juice cups
- Oil paintings depicting failure
- Your parents approval.

Why would you want any of those things? That is exactly what I'm guessing were thinking when they decided not to sell them. They are looking out for you, the consumers, best interest and they should get your business. I wasn't a good student in school (shocking, I know) and I don't really understand numbers or relationships but I have an even harder time understanding why anyone wouldn't shop at I'm not quick to anger, but sometimes that makes me pretty angry. If online retailers were breakfast cereals, would be comprised of the sugar covered raisins from "Raisin Bran", the marshmellows from "Lucky Charms" and "Cinnamon Toast Crunch". As far as I'm concerned all other online retailers are "Shreddies".


One of the first ridiculously incredible things I noticed on was their selection of high end dining room tables. Seriously, these things were 7 different kinds of gorgeous. Part of me wishes I never looked upon them, because now I look at my own dining room table with nothing but disgust and contempt. I covered it with a tablecloth made of photos of ex-girlfriends. That is how much I hate looking at it now because I've seen the dining room tables is selling. This one in particular caught my eye (who am I kidding, THEY ALL DID). If I had this table, I'd put it right behind my front door, so EVERYONE who entered my apartment would have to walk around it, admire it and enjoy it as much as I do. I know I shouldn't show you this, because your desire to have it might overtake your life, but it is my pleasure to present to you, the "TMS Metropolitan 5 piece dining set". Look at this friggin thing:
 (I almost don't believe it's real. I wouldn't even eat off it. Just have it for decoration)

I thought my life was fine as it was. I thought it was alright to live using my hockey bag as a coffee table. I was a damn fool. What would you rather have? This classy as hell Jofran Vintner lift-top coffee table:
(I want several of them)

or would you rather have this Reebok "smells like a mediocre hockey player" coffee table that I currently use?
 (Never thought it was a problem until I saw the Vintner)
While on the subject of my apartment, my appreciation and admiration for isn't new to anyone who has ever been to the "Bowmstead". Looking at my home decor, you'd know that there are two things in this world that I care deeply for and am very serious about: Vancouver Canucks hockey and shopping at the best online stores.

(My bedroom. Where the magic/online shopping happens)

I'm going to get a little personal now and tell you a story. It's a bit hard for me to talk about and normally I don't get this personal on j.Bowman Can't Sleep, but I've kept it inside and I haven't talked about it in awhile and it might be good to get it out.  A year or so ago, I was pretty seriously involved with a lady. I'd go so far as to say...I loved her. We had a rocky relationship but always managed to get past our issues. Couples who are destined to end up together are usually like that. Now, I had decided to take the plunge and ask her to marry me. But because I got class coming out my....well, I got class, so I decided to ask her father first (He also had a sword collection, so I was terrified of disrespecting him). I went up to...let's call him "Murray" and said:

Murray, j.Bowman Can't Sleep without your daughter sleeping next to him. I was wondering if you and your many, many swords would approve of me asking her to
Hmm... (stops sharpening sword) I have a question to ask of you as well?
What is it Murray?
(He then held one of the sharper swords to my throat and asked)
Do you shop on
Yes sir, I do.
Than I deem you worthy of my daughter's hand. Take my finest horse, and go to her.

And so I did. Now, me and this girl, lets just call her "Irrelevantina", had discussed many important things. We had discussed kids (SCB) and where we would raise our family (Denmark) but as it turns out, there was one important thing I had never discussed with her. We had never discussed our preferred online shopping stores. Turns out, she didn't shop at And although it hurt to do it (actually it was quite easy) I had to break up with her. She was an idiot.

(The hard part was getting her to pose with the sign I made)

Glad I could get that off my chest after all this time (It happened 4 days ago). In order to celebrate me putting that out there, I'd like to turn it over to you with a special contest: has contacted me and asked me to do a giveaway on the blog (in no way AT ALL is this why I did this post) is something I deeply care about. This is pretty much exactly like Braveheart, only with less battles and more savings on high quality goods.
In the future, be wary of this message (click to enlarge)

(Did you ever see Sarah Connor use in the "Terminator" films? Exactly)

Just so everyone knows, forget what I said earlier.  j.Bowman is absolutely for sale and his price is very, VERY cheap.

And now, for no reason inparticular, a choice scene from the classic film, "Wayne's World"

Thanks for reading


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