Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; August

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of August 2011:


Monday, August 29, 2011

Blog Off 2011: How To Train Your Child To Be The Perfect Moviegoing Companion

Monpeeps, no time for my usual silly hello. This is the Blog Off, Round 1 aka "serious fucking business". It ain't a game no more, I actually have to compete after all my epic forfeit victories. I can tell you already, it is definitely better to have a win handed to you than having to earn it. Anyone who tells you different has never had something just handed to them. Same result, with way more time for screwing around.

Read the Origin of this Blog Feud HERE

Round 1 of the Blog Off/Blog Feud/World Series of Blogging/Blogwar: Beyond Thunderdome is to write a "How-to" post. I'm keeping things well inside my wheelhouse with my entry in this contest, much to the surprise of nobody.

How To Train Your Child To Be The Perfect Moviegoing Companion

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Blog Feud IV: j.Bowman vs. ???

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

But to pick a fight every month substantially cheapens causes I'm willing to throw down and fight for. That is why I decided to be more selective when it comes to picking my battles. To only wait until a true opponent pokes his head out of the "tool-shed" just long enough for me to take a shot, and to see if they got the applebees to stand up for what they foolishly believe in. To be patient, and vigilante and not let nonsense and idiocy go unanswered and unavenged.

Well I'm so glad to be so mad, cause that means today is that day.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

30 Songs of Summer 2011 (#10-1)

Mon-freakin-peeps, how are you? I may ask that question a lot, but that time? I really meant it. Feel free to write me a detailed letter regarding how you are. If it's notarized, even better.

(My blinding white legs brought to you by Irish genetics)

I've been detailing a list of 30 songs that are making Summer 2011 the "best...summer...ever!!" (I never went to Summer Camp as a kid, so I've always wanted to say that. Had to settle for typing it). Say what you will about musical taste ect, this list was made whilst sitting at the beach pouring through my 8700+ strong Itunes. There are some key summer jams omitted, just because they were meaningful to prior summers. So to all you fans of Len's "Steal My Sunshine" and L.F.O's "Summer Girls", sorry.

Sorry that you like terrible music.

So here be the final 10 "HAWT JAMZ" that will forever be synonomous with my 2011 Summer. Feel free to complain in the comments about how I "like terrible music" and how much of a travesty it is that your favorite Kings of Leon or Nickelback song wasn't included and I will explain via incredible Haiku poem why they were omitted. Cool? Cool.

PART 1 (#30-21)

PART 2 (#20-11)

30 Songs of Summer 2011 (PART 3)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Swords: The Greatest Thing Ever (100th post)

Monpeeps, this is the 100th post in the short, ridiculous history of j.Bowman Can't Sleep. It's been a long and winding road. And nowhere along that road has there been a divey little cafe with really good pie. Regardless, thanks to you all for continuing to read. I didn't think I would get past 8 posts when I started, and to be honest it wasn't until like 30 posts in this thing got readable anyways. But, I feel like I should try and say something of substance here because although this will actually matter to like 2 people, I'd like to commemorate the event with some wise words:

"Anyone who says you can't run away from your problems isn't a fast enough runner."

With that pearl of wisdom out of the way, I'd like to talk to you about the king of Medievil weapons. Before you even start, I don't know how to spell "Medievil". That "i" and "e" in the middle of it throw me every time and I am too lazy to find out what it is. Spellcheck is all the way up there ^. So if you are bothered by bad spelling, don't be such a nerd and get over it, you know what word I'm trying to say. This ain't a spelling bee.

Which Medie...Medeiv...fuck it! "Old timey" weapon do I consider to be king? Easy: Swords.

(The "Throne" they are all playing the "Game" for? Yep. Made of Swords)

Friday, August 12, 2011

An Open Letter to Miles Fisher

Dear Miles Fisher,

           Stop it. Right now. Just...stop it. You know what I'm talking about. I just watched the latest movie you were in, "Final Destination 5" and I need to ask you to stop being in movies.

          Before you object, I would like to say that I don't mind your acting ability one bit. You were fine in the movie and it's really the first thing I've seen you in but I can't imagine watching anything else of yours ever again because you look too much like Tom Cruise. Distractingly so.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

30 Songs of Summer 2011 (#20-11)

Monpeeps, what is up? ...hello? Was it something I said? Okay fine, don't talk to me, see if I care. Spoiler alert: I care big time. Let's not fight. Here, if I busted out 10 more awesome Summer jams of 2011, would that repair this rift between us? Maybe? Fuck you, man. I'm just trying to reach out and make this right.

Sorry the rest of you had to see that argument up there. I'm sure we'll work everything out. In the meantime, the list marches on to it's sunsoaked conclusion, ya dig?

30 Songs of Summer 2011 (PART 2)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

j.Bowman vs. Presumptious Tim Hortons Employee

I can already hear the voice of my good friend Brian Shirlaw in my head.

"Bow, you're overreacting"
"There is no way that was deliberate"
"You are very handsome"

Firstly, thanks Brian. I felt really good about my hair this morning. Secondly, NO I AM NOT OVERREACTING! I said I could hear Brian's voice in my head, but you know what else I could hear in my head, due to the fact that it was 100 times louder? "The bells of rage"

(Am I right, Spiderman 3? Actually I don't care what you think. I hate you)

Monday, August 8, 2011

30 Songs of Summer 2011 (#30-21)

Much like deadbeat boyfriends and cheating girlfriends, the most important thing to do with "jams" is to "kick 'em out".

Irrational Fear of the Month: August

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all Monpeeps who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about the passing of time.

Reminiscing is not just an impossible word to spell, it's also can be a horrible horrible reminder of how much time you have been on this Earth and how little you have accomplished Sure, there are good times, but the more good times you've had...the more TIMES you've had and that can get pretty scary.