Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Post Halloween Correspondence

Halloween is over for another year, which sucks. If there are 3 things I love it's candy bars, wearing a cape in public and girls who dress like...that. Halloween brings all these things together in an explosion of awesomeness. Also, it features explosions.

(Fuck yeah it does!)

Halloween has a distinctive smell, at least where I come from (not the "mean streets", but the "slightly frustrated avenues"). That smell is a complex but pungent mix of gunpowder, fake mustache glue and lack of shame. Man, I miss it already. But although I miss many of those things, there is one aspect of Halloween that I miss the most:

 (As awesome as this is, I'm actually talking about....)

The People.

Halloween is a night weekend filled with encounters with a wide variety of people whom I've never met before, and to be honest if I met them ever again I wouldn't remember them because of their costumes. I do not know their names, I do not know their astrological signs and I do not know whether or not they have a boyfriend (although I can't imagine any of the girls I saw NOT having a boyfriend or temporarily aquiring one before midnight). However even though I will probably never see them again, I have so much to say to them, post-halloween. November 1st is a smokey, candy covered haze, but that doesn't mean I will let things go unsaid. I believe that Halloween isn't truly over until you wake up with a stomach ache from too much candy, glitter where there should be no glitter and a ridiculously detailed plan for surviving the zombie apocalypse. This is dedicated to some of the fine folks I encountered last weekend.

So..."To those I met, and won't forget, and made me upset, I won't regret, this post-Halloween Correspondence." (rumination)

To: Child dressed as Batman -
If you really were Batman, you wouldn't be walking around with your parents. They'd be dead. (Perfection)

To: Lady Gaga -
Sorry for what I said. I thought you were a chick (demoralization)

To: Justin Bieber -
Sorry for what I said about Lady Gaga. I thought you were a dude. (confusion)

To: Slutty Rainbow Bright -
I was as glad to find out you knew details about the show as I'm sure you were dissappointed that I knew details about the show (attraction)

To: "Monk"/aborted Jedi -
I'm guessing you dressed as a Jedi, saw how many girls were at the party and left your lightsaber in your car. (suspicion)

To: Adorable Child dressed as a Cow -
I never stood a chance against you in the costume contest. You are a damn cheat. (perception)

To: Mario & Luigi -
You are about the 10th people I've seen wearing this costume (duplication)

To: Slutty Alice in Wonderland -
Here's hoping you didn't end the night off by being "Alice in the backseat of a jetta" (abduction)

To: Construction Worker, Indian Chief, Biker -
I know you arrived seperately, but getting a picture of you guys together was impossible! (Frustration)

To: Baby dressed as Robin -
If anything were to happen to your family, I'll step in and raise you like my own (adoption)

To: Waldo -
If you bumped into me and spilled my drink 1 more time, the answer to the question "Where's Waldo?" would've been "The Hospital". (altercation)

To: The Joker (Heath Ledger version) -
Thank you for commemorating the 2 year anniversary of this costume being played out. (repitition)

To: babe in the Supergirl costume -
If your boyfriend wasn't dressed up as Superman....he'd probably still be able to kick my ass. (submission)

To: Lady Stormtrooper -
I pretended not to know what you were on purpose. I know all about Star Wars. (Overcompensation)

To: Guy dressed as Hitler -
Fuck you. Seriously. I hope you die or get bitten by a shark. (assassination)

To: Guy dressed as a Shark -
Where were you when I needed you? (contribution)

To: Girl dressed as Indiana Jones -
Indiana Jones was a man. But I'm gonna let it slide this time. Nicely done. (Admiration)

To Slutty Robin Hood -
Only 9 digits of your 10 digit phone number were correct. (Misdirection)

To: Slutty Robin -
I'm a Batman fan. It would be weird. (affirmation)

To: Guy dressed as The Dude from "The Big Lebowski" -
We need to hang out and drink some white russians sometime. (association)

To: Ninja -
Dude, I can see you. You suck at this. (comprehension)

To: Slutty Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" -
There's no place apartment. (determination)

To: Slutty Hermione from "Harry Potter" -
Never before have I seen better creative liberties being taken with a costume. (Improvisation)

To: Couple dressed as Bacon & Eggs -
I look forward to hearing about your breakup. (seperation)

To: 20 Something dude in a child's Spongebob costume -
I regret not fighting you. (aggresion)

To: Guy dressed as The Situation from "Jersey Shore" -
It would be awesome if you punched yourself in the face. (Inception)

To: Priest -
Here is a commandment you should add. "Thou shalt not eat all of the mini crispy crunch bars out of the assorted chocolate bar bowl". Don't think I didn't see that. (retribution)

To: Slutty Ghostbusters -
Who you gonna call? Planned parenthood. (suggestion)

To: Guy dressed up as Stormtrooper -
Nice to know $300 buys you a costume that protects you from laser blasts, extreme temperatures and women. (alienation)

To: Slutty Cinderella -
Your glass slipper is not in the toilet. Although I admire you for looking so long and being thorough while I was waiting to pee. Hope you feel better tomorrow. (compassion)

To: The 4 dudes dressed as Ninja Turtles -
Fellas, c'mon. You can't ALL be Raphael. (co-operation)

To: Iron Man with LED Chestpiece -
Maybe a little less time working on your costume, a little more time acquiring a girlfriend. (desperation)

To: Slutty Firefighter -
If a fire were to break out, you are not wearing proper firefighting garb. (observation)

To: Clown -
Thank you for staying 20 ft. from me all night. (distraction)

To: Wonder Woman -
Just so you know, we have to name our firstborn son "Sydney Crosby Bowman" (procreation)

Let us all hope those messages find the right people. Also I just want to say that with this being the final piece regarding Halloween or anything Halloween related, there is something I wanted to do to signify the end of the 2010 Halloween season. Ladies and gentlemen, much to your delight, I will be retiring the Thriller video and all references to it until next October. I'm gonna miss you, Michael Jackson and your army of dancing zombies. You guys take care now. Zombie second from the left at 2:19? I think I'll miss you most of all.

To: Zombie second from the left at 2:19 -
Dead or alive, you're a phenomenal dancer. (infection)

Play us out, Thriller!

 (Until Halloween 2011....)

Thanks for reading


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