Friday, September 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - September

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of September 2011

Veggie Platters

This is where I establish my vibe at any party or catered event. If something is gonna go down, it goes down at the Veggie platter. They are colorful, always situated in an area that is prime for gathering and the veggies are always delicious. Some of them are, anyways, others are quite gross. (looking at you cauliflower!).

(You look like potatoes... but you aren't. And that's why I hate you)

Next time you are at a gathering, establish your vibe at the veggie platter. When someone comes to get themselves some celery, strike up a friendly conversation. If you succeed it not boring the person to the point where they awkwardly leave, more people will gravitate towards you and all of a sudden, you are at ground zero for the best vibed area at the party. The opposite sex might be that much more attracted to you because you have set up shop at the health junction and created the illusion you take good care of yourself. Unlike all those people at the cheese and cracker tray who are doomed to die childless and alone.

Wait a minute! HOW DID THEY GET FRUIT ON THEIR TEAM?! This is garbage. Totally unfair. Fruit is awesome. The only reason I didn't throw down for fruit platters is because they are obviously incredible. I had no idea they had teamed up with the Cheese & Cracker platter. Makes sense though. It needs the rub. Regardless, I'm sticking with veggie platters. They seriously need to dump cauliflower now though. Things have just escalated and the game has changed. They need potatoes!

Welcome to the Hall!

External Hard Drives

 (The key is a nice touch)

External hard drives are awesome. Depending on the size, you can hold days and weeks worth of music/movies/TV shows. It's comforting to know that we could essentially program our own TV network with something barely bigger than a wallet. I'm pretty sure Spike TV started with an external hard drive full of Godsmack, UFC fights and hundreds of pictures of boobs.

(There were probably some "Newsradio" episodes on there too)

But another reason the external hard drive is hall of fame worthy is that it's a great place to hide stuff. Everything has at least one thing on their computer they don't want anyone to see. Whether it be drunken pictures, saucy videos or in my case:

A word document full of nicknames I want to be called and plans to make each of them happen naturally.

They say you can't pick your own nicknames and I subscribe to that... to a point. I've got detailed schemes where the end result is people calling me things like "Magic", "Captain Boomtown" and "Pasty White Fight Night". That last one involves a very intricate plan, but if successful I imagine it would result in me and Conan O'Brien hosting a UFC recap show on Spike TV.

("The Lowercase Powderface" was also just added to the list)

Imagine the embarassment for me if someone found out that is what I spent 8 hours a day working on? As I said, everyone has something on their computer to hide (like that folder called "Tax Stuff 2009". Don't pretend it's not porn). Still not conviced external hard drives are amazing and IIHOF worthy? Here is a scenario: You've got a pretty impressive porn collection, and you wish to hide it. Which of these is more discreet:

The External Hard Drive?

 Or the big box of porn?

(Wait, why is there a Scully figure there? Ohhhhhhh... gross)

Pretty simple choice really. We live in a digital world now and what better way to show that than by getting rid of our classic "boxes o' porn" and movie to a sleeker more inconspicuous design. So long as they don't create a new logo for specific brands of external hard drives, we will all be okay.

(See that speck way back there? That's the point you missed!)

Welcome to the Hall.

Zippo Lighters

(The fact that this exists is enough to make me happy for minutes. Literally minutes)

I don't smoke. I also don't judge those that do. Everyone is free to do whatever they like within the confines of the law and in some rare cases, I'm totally okay with people acting outside the law for whatever reasons they have.

(Pictured: A free pass)

One of the reasons I secretely envy smokers is the fact that some of them get to carry around Zippo lighters, which are at an incredibly high level of bad assery. Everything from the varying designs to the flame consistency to the use of them in movies definitely make them a IIHOF inductee. I mean, just think about how sh*tty Die Hard would have been without the Zippo lighter?


Okay, bad example. Die Hard still would've been amazing, but imagine how lame this scene would've been with matches.

Also, playing with a Zippo lighter by opening the lid with a snap was listed as the "#1 Thing To Do With Your Hands When You Are Waiting For Someone" in the August issue of "This Never Happened" magazine. So there's that. Or you can just take a look at some cool Zippo tricks in this video that inexplicably also features a knife.

Welcome to the Hall.


Yeah that's right. I love violins (suck it, Cello!). They are the classiest instrument there is and can make any song sound dignified, dramatic and epic all at the same time. I would love to be able to play the violin, but alas, I'm lazy and I need to look at my fingers when I use them. Also, who doesn't love the bow they play with?

As a guy who LOVES covers of popular songs, I could spend hours posting video after video of sweet violin covers on youtube. It makes things seem so elegant. It reminds me of those hauty British dances where they each bow to their partners and do REALLY boring but very well choreographed moves (all of them appear to be just placing your hands together and walking in a circle)

Even if a song is an overplayed nightmare, all it takes to class it up is a little violin. Check out this guy!

(link to his youtube channel, he rocks)

To sum up, violins are amazing and a worthy inductee into the IIHOF. So much so that I think to close out this post we need some classy violin music. How about...


Welcome to the Hall.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

I am one of the first people that was on Twitter. Unfortunately the facts I have to back that up were on my external hard drive... which is now missing) @jbowmancouver

Blog Off 2011: Frustration by way of Ottoman

Monpeeps, how delightful it is to see you again. I'm doing well. Just sitting here at 5 am drinking a beer and listening to ABBA. I still haven't decided if my life is awesome or pathetic. If I can find a way to legitimately make a cause for both, I will.

Round 5. This is why all bloggers get out of bed in the morning. Well, this and the fact that they have to go to their normal people jobs because unless you are Perez H-....that guy, you don't make a fucking cent doing this. I suppose you could, but the moment I sell out and activate "Google Adsense" on my blog, the doors open to all sorts of lawsuits because of all the pictures and videos I use on the blog without anyones permission. I don't need that money, I have a perfectly respectable drug dealing operation that pays the bills. We've been showing excellent 3rd quarter earnings and our projected growth into mid 2012 should show fantastic returns. (I feel the need to clarify I am joking) Drugs are bad. Unless they keep people from eating other peoples faces. Those drugs can stay.

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE
For Round 3: A Review read it HERE
For Round 4: Opponent's Choice (Shakesperean Rules) read it HERE

For the 5th and final Round of the 2011 Blog Off, Brent and I decided to each submit 5 topics for a "Random Wheel of Bullshit". I put them on two pieces of paper, spun an empty whiskey bottle on my kitchen floor and that is how we determined what we would write for the epic final battle between two guys who have no real gripe with each other.

Brent's topic: "How the Game of Life is Complete Bullshit"

My Topic:

Ottoman's: The Footstools, not the Empire

(Ottoman's: Conquering Relaxation since the 1800s)

Blog Off 2011: The Appeal of Lizzy Caplan (Opponents Choice)

Monpeeps, what is vertical? Yeah, I absolutely agree that sounded really stupid and I have decided to never use that again. "What is up" is just so damn classic. If it ain't broke, don't fix it (looking at you, Facebook) or as my main muppet says "If it ain't bork, don't fix it".

(* This is normally where I would put a picture of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, but for reasons I will get to immediately after this sentence, I cannot)

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE
For Round 3: A Review read it HERE

Round 4 of the 2011 Blog Off is upon us and it is conducted under "Shakesperean Rules" which means the men have to play ladies. Oh, also neither me nor Brent are allowed to use pictures in our post, which is totally fine cause now I don't have to show proof that I'm taking this too far and writing this while wearing a dress.

(* This is normally where I would put a picture showing how fucking pretty I look in this dress right now, but I cannot. It's lavender in case you were wondering. With fringe. Recognize!)

Round 4 is also opponents choice, while I have challenged Brent to write a biography of Abraham Lincoln using only haiku poems (so jealous, I was hoping he would challenge me to that) he has decided that he has had enough of me constantly banging the drum for actress Lizzy Caplan and has challenged me to write about why I like her so much WITHOUT using pictures. Oh, and in case you were wondering about my word selection in that last sentence, yes it was intentional to use the words "me", "constantly banging" and "Lizzy Caplan" in a sentence.

(*This is normally where I would put a picture, probably photoshopped, of Me and Lizzy Caplan swinging through the jungle like Tarzan & Jane. Photoshop: giving wimpy dudes muscles since 2003)

Brent's Post is right HERE //
It was well written and fun //
...I got John Wilkes Boothed

I would also like to note that this post is significantly late and because of my lack of meeting deadlines I have been disqualified from a round that I was set to lose anyway. Still gotta write the post though, so the world can see that I would've lost regardless. I fear my true weakness has come through with this post. Not a reliance on pictures or captions, but an agressive stance against obligation. But neither of us is getting paid and this is all for fun (until round 5 where my smear campaign starts) so whatever.

Lizzy Caplan powers initiate!

Lizzy Caplan: Why I Want to Tap That Sass

(*This is normally where I would put a picture of Lizzy Caplan to prove my point instantly, but instead I have decided to write a short poem based on how she looks and in place of all future pictures)

Sassy like Silverman, Wise like Spock
For a chance to date her, I'd gladly fight The Rock

Hotlizabeth Cheryl Caplan ("Lizzy") was born a while ago. Not as long ago as Thomas Jefferson but definitely before my nephew that was just born last weel (something tells me that kid is gonna be HUGE into genocide, so we should all keep an eye on him).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Blog Off 2011: Reviewing This Seasons "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

Monpeeps, how goes it? The 2011 Blog Off has reached round 3. For no other reason than to add an element of danger to it, I have decided to either dub this "The Lightning Round" or "The hooking up with a married woman whose husband has just pulled into the driveway and your clothes are all the way over there round". Feel free to vote in the comments as to which you feel is more perilous.

For the Origin of The Blog Off, read the initial post HERE
For Round 1: A How-To read it HERE
For Round 2: A Rant read it HERE

For Round 3 me and my opponent have agreed that it should be "A Review". There are so many things out there in the universe that I'm fond of judging (people, places, things....flavors of pop tarts) but for my post here I've decided to focus my attention on something that attempts to force its way into the world of comedy. Fans of comedy AND subtlety should maybe just skip reading this post, because I have decided to review.....

This Years "Hilarious" Halloween Costumes

(Decimate their self esteem at an early age)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Blog Off 2011: The Buffet System is Broken, People!

Monpeeps, it's Round 2 of the 2011 Blog Off (read the original post HERE). As per our agreement, Round 2 is supposed to be a rant. Anyone familiar with this blog knows that I have no shortage of bugs up my ass about trivial things that don't matter to anyone else. This will be a bit of a "rantrospective" of an incident that happened roughly a month ago...and several times before that. Forgot political causes, we need to rise up as one and fix this issue.

I, j.Bowman aka "overly-sensitive jones" aka "the prince of petty" aka "the rantom menace" have a SERIOUS problem with how the buffet system in our society works.