Tuesday, November 30, 2010

B.P.S. Vol. 7 - Why I'm Single, Exibit A - F

(Now that I have your attention....)

For my latest "Bullet Point Summary" I'd like to commemorate this very special week. Apparently, this is "National Singles Week". I didn't know there was a week celebrating being single until until about 23 minutes ago. I might have known earlier if I wasn't too preoccupied with playing video games and eating pizza at 2am while nobody hassles me (I feel the need to point out all of that occurs while I'm wearing sweatpants, if I'm wearing pants at all). So realizing this I thought back to the last time I was involved with someone semi-seriously and thought about the benefits of my life now and what it would've continued to be like if I surrendered my independence (prounounced: "Awesomeness"). She still has some of my dvds....and as far as I'm concerned she can keep 'em. That's an exit fee I don't mind paying.

(43 seconds of research)

Well it seems that as long as the historic tradition of "National Singles Week" has been in existence, the internets (all of them) have been bombarded with articles celebrating the benefits of being single. And each one has exactly says exactly the same shit. "Blah blah blah new love, blah blah blah time to yourself, blah blah blah judgemental free Glee watching". Your basic list. I've decided to go in another direction. I've decided to write this article about something that I'm positive isn't overexposed: "Cats that are terrible spellers".

(6 seconds of research)

Well fuck. Okay then internets, I got something you probably don't have. I'm going introspective and doing an A-Z list of the REASONS I'm single. Now I would've done some research to see if for some reason there is already such a list about me in existence on the internets, but I wouldn't trust any of my Rogues Gallery (ex's) to get it right. If there is one thing those ladies are good at, it's not summing me up, it's having impeccable timing and foresight. How each one of them was able to break up with me IMMEDIATELY before I was totally going to break up with them, I will never understand (they were the next words out of my mouth, honest). I will only do A-F now, because if I analyze my potential faults any farther than that I'll probably spend the rest of the day in the dark listening to Johnny Cash and crying. I should prefix this by saying this is all 100% true. Here we go....

A - Apartment.

One of the people who reads "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" has called me out in the past about my apartment and it's decor several times, saying that it's not lady friendly. Sure it is, just so long as it's the right lady. My apartment is a nerd lair....featuring sports. And I love every inch of it. These items currently appear prominently in the "Bowmstead" (btw, the fact that I call it that, or that I call my bedroom "The Bowdoir" I don't consider reasons why I'm single. Those are clearly reasons why I'm an idiot)

- Over 800 dvds
- Over 90 tv dvds
- 5 framed movie posters (Kill Bill, Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Hot Fuzz, Steal)
- A replica of the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Beaded curtain I've had since I first moved out 6 years ago.
- Iron Man bobblehead
- A motivational poster of "The Punisher" about "Commitment"
- A mini replica of Kirk McLean's goalie mask from the Canucks '94 cup run.
- A shrine dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team
- A Batman & a Two-Face pez dispensers
- A spare bedroom that literally has an air matress and my smelly hockey equipment in it.
- 17 jerseys that adorn the walls of my bedroom all the way around
- A book shelf full of Green Lantern & Batman graphic novels. The only legitimate book I have on my bookshelf is a novelization of the Jean Claude Van Damme masterpiece "Hard Target". Just in case you think I'm making that up:

(The book was SOOOOO much better than the movie)

B- Batman.

Me and Batman have a history. I have been a fan of the character since I was 7, and I once even had a Batman themed surprise birthday party thrown for me. There was a Batman cake, I had my own utility belt, I was giving a mask and cape to wear, all my friends were wearing homemade Batman masks, there was a bat-signal shining on my ceiling and Batman sound effects signs (BIFF, PAM, KAPOW) were hung up on the walls. Sounds like an awesome 7th birthday party, right?

(I was 23)

At this point I will point out that the "utility belt" I had been given was full of beer & tequila and I got right shittered that night (special thanks to A. Konechny for making it all happen). I woke up the next morning with my mask still on, but noticeably absent? My pants. However I was not nearly as hungover then as I was back in 2008 when I was in Las Vegas and I got to sit on the Bat-pod from "The Dark Knight".

 (I was ridiculously close to throwing up all over the thing)

One thing I have in my apartment that I didn't mention before? Quite possibly the best thing I own, my Batman converse kicks. Take a bow, boys!

(I will wear these at my every wedding)

So yeah, my love for Batman goes back quite a ways. I did love a girl before that though,when I was 6. I knew I loved her when I realized she was the only girl who wasn't a poopy face. Apparently I'm not the only person that ever thought that about her cause she's married now. I hope they get divorced....and then he turns to a life of crime and I have to stop him and be "not the hero she deserves...but the hero she needs". (I would like to have another girlfriend at some point so I'm gonna move on from this topic)

C - Cereal.

I love me some cereal. It is one of my favorite things to eat. Not really being in a mood for breakfast after my 3-4 hours of sleep, I don't get to eat it at socially acceptable times. Well fuck that. I am a grown man (if you disregard entry B on this list) and I will have it whenever I want. If a girl were to surprise me with a candlelit cereal dinner, that would be 3 things.

1. Incredible
2. Highly unlikely
3. Extremely difficult in terms of timing. There is that window of maybe 90 seconds where the cereal is not too crunchy, or not too soggy. In those moments I wish that time stood still.

D - Dancing.

While you may think enjoying dancing would be a reason why I wouldn't be single, I should clarify. I enjoy dancing more than any straight man should. If I get good news and nobody else is around, the FIRST thing I do is build a "boogie foundation" upon which I add layer after layer of funky moves. Now while I'm out in public, I'm not that big on dancing at clubs and stuff because someone seems to have made a grave spelling error when describing how to dance to our generation. It should say "Get Funky" not "Get Fucky". I do get down occasionally but I find a large portion of that music to be bloody terrible. However, I have 5 songs, that if they played no matter what was happening at the time, would cause me to dance. They are collectively known as "My Muthafucking Jams" or "MMJ" for short. In all manner of truth, I have left a flirtatious conversation with a girl to hit the DF (Dance Floor....god I'm ridiculous) as soon as one of my sonic bat signals gets played. I don't just WANT to go dance, that's childish. I NEED to go dance. So much so that I often (always) disregard the girl instead of inviting her. Another reason why this is a cause of my singledom (as if the case wasn't strong enough already) is that the following two things have happened in the last month:

1. I started a tradition of having a 5 minute solo dance party everyday when I get home from work
2. I was caught dancing down my hallway in my apartment building. It would have been pretty embarassing if I didn't have such sick moves.

E - Education

I may joke about it on the blog often, but I should clarify that I'm not stupid. I'm an idiot. There is a difference. As you can probably tell from being able to read j.Bowman Can't Sleep, me and the english language get along pretty well. I'm a capable writer but at times not the best speller. There is a difference. And there are often times when I'm caught up in a conversation with several people where the topic at hand is something that requires a certain amount of expertise to have an informed opinion on. I'm not educated. I'm smart. There is a difference.

If it doesn't matter, I know way too much about it. I often catch a lot of flack from my male and female friends (the educated ones anyway) about things that I don't know that they think I should. I didn't know anything about Stalin or that Mussolini was "a bad guy". I know absolutely nothing about Canadian politics (All I know is that elections should be decided in a hockey shootout). And until recently (around the time District 9 came out) I didn't know what apartheid was. Having found out, I just want all of you to know that I'm against it. Mussoluni too. How did I get through school without learning any of this? A strong combination of charisma and bribery.

But if you were to ask me how the jingle went for the "Big Red" chewing gum commercial in the early 90's? That I know (and I know that if you chew gum while chopping onions it keeps you from crying). Need someone who knows WAY too much about 90s teen sitcom "Saved by the Bell"? I'm your guy. I know that before the continents were seperated they were 1 landmass known as "Pangea". If you were to ask me the name of the evil coach in the first Mighty Ducks movie? That I know too. Both the actor (Lane Smith, deceased) and the character (Jack "dickbag" Reilly). The credits didn't list that as his middle name, but the original draft of the script did. Do I know how to calculate tax properly? No, but I do know that money is not made out of paper, but linen. And in closing I should point out that I know very little about World War I aside from what I pieced together from the band Franz Ferdinand and "Call of Duty" video games

Throughout my school career there were classes I was good at (drama, gym) and classes I wasn't (everything else). I was not the best student in the world. I probably would barely crack the top 500, but a lot of that was a desire to know about things. I had trouble seeing the relevence in a lot of the things I was learning, so I had an even greater difficulty giving a shit. To quote Owen Wilson in Zoolander, (which no overly educated person would ever do)

"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree".

I don't care what bark is made out of, but there are things I'd rather know about than how to do long division. That isn't a joke, I never learned long division. I was at an unfair advantage because I wasn't good with numbers, never have been. However I believe that if I'm at a disadvantage, I should look deep within myself to find a skill that I could bring to the table to even the playing field. So while I wasn't good at math, it turns out I was incredibly skilled in cheating at math. So I just played to my strengths. And I've never once encountered a moment where I needed to know long division. If that moment were to arise, I would probably just run away. I was good at gym after all. Play to your strengths.

F - "Friends"

I like to see them. I do not feel inclined to stop seeing them for any reason except zombie apocalypse. Then most of those fuckers are on their own (except for the Costco 4. You know who you are. Be ready. We're gonna run that shit). In my life, there will always be 1 foot in relationshiptown and 1 foot in bro-ville. Simple as that. Now I have some friends who are able to strike a balance between time with their other and time with their friends, but everyone knows somebody who is exactly the opposite. For whatever reason, whenever they enter into a new relationship, it's like they never existed. "Biggy Steve" should be a dude who calls you at 4 am and wants to go joyriding in a stolen go cart and have a sword fight on a beach. And not necessarily in that order. "Biggy Steve" should not become a faint memory of a man who once pee'd on a cop car. "Mon peeps" (that's "my peeps" for my french canadian homies) mean just as much to me if not more than any relationship ever could. And my unwavering belief in that will not dwindle with age. I've seen this scenario, which I will call "Indefriendence", happen to both sexes. Some guys stop hanging with their bros and some girls stop hanging with their...female friends (thought I was gonna say something else, eh?). But I don't mind being single as long as the following stays true: j.Bowman Can't Do It. 

Unless she is super hot. In that event nothing is certain.

Well that about wraps it up for A-F. More to follow, just need to find a reason I'm single with for each letter of the alphabet. Which takes time.

So I'll probably be finished tomorrow.

Thanks for Reading.



  1. This post has further blown my mindhole wide open with its thoughtful introspection, moments of self-discovery, and Batman content. If I wasn't already happily married I would be hatching a plan of woo-ing at this very moment.

  2. A man that stays this loyal to himself, his beliefs (Batman), and his friends will one day make a great husband.

  3. Cathy is right. Batman IS a valid belief system.

  4. Dear Bowman - I am very, very happy that you are still down to Boogie.
    xo Aria.