Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One

(Disclaimer: to anyone who reads this blog ootside of Canada, I've got something coming in the next post just for you. Three things actually)

This requires a bit more setup than usual. It details and explains something I have referenced here several times: My hypothetical first born child, Sidney Crosby Bowman.

 (This baby will overcome great fear)

 The reason for the name? Well, it's cause of this guy:

(Sidney Crosby Crosby)

Now I'm not a fan of of the Pittsburgh Penguins or anything. To be honest I'm not even a fan of Sidney Crosby, really. The main reason I have to name my son after that screaming lunatic up there is because of a deal I made with the gods. The Hockey Gods.


So what was the deal? Well it was February 28th 2010. Team Canada was playing Team USA in the Gold Medal game of mens hockey at the Winter Olympics, which were being held in my home country (Canada) and in my home city (Vancouver). I watched the game from downtown at English Bay with some of my nearest and dearest and it was damn special. Canada was winning 3-2 with less than 90 seconds left in the game. We were all ready to explode as soon as the final horn sounded and Canada won gold. The plucky Americans tied the game up at the end and sent the game to ridiculously dramatic sudden death overtime. Here is an accurate video detailing how Canadians reacted to such a development. LINK: Summing things up perfectly.

So I waited in line for the bathroom, really having to pee when I made a deal with the hockey gods. "I will name my first born after whichever Canadian player scores the game winning goal".  Now I should explain that this was a huge deal to me, and everyone else in red & white. To win gold at our national sport on home soil would be a moment that we'd remember forever. It would be like if England won the world cup in England. Or an American team winning the Super Bowl in America. Like I said, it was a big deal. So overtime started and after a heartwrenching back and forth battle. The hockey gods delivered unto j.Bowman....this. LINK: Best thing I've ever seen that didn't have boobs

(Yeah ya did)

The rest of the day, night, week was a bit of a blur. But I do remember the deal that was made. I plan to honor it. Thank god I don't have to name him "Chris Pronger Bowman". I'd put that kid up for adoption immediately. I should prefix this by saying I'm carrying on under the assumption that Sidney will be a boy. I don't understand women at all so if Sidney were to end up being a girl, I would trust her mother with most of the child-raising, and I would start amassing a collection of samurai swords AND start training with those swords in preparation for when she starts bringing boys home.

(You only get 1 first impression, so make sure you are holding a sword)

So, without further delay or pictures of Ninjas, I present to you what I think Sidney Crosby Bowman: Year One will look like in pictures. (Keep in mind my genes are crazy so the kids hair...and age...and race might appear to change frequently. This is perfectly normal for him)

Jan. 1st - Mom goes into labour while dad sleeps off New Years Eve. Not sure who she is gonna be yet, so this will have to do for now.

Jan 2nd - kid is born. Just like his dad, he refuses to do anything on Jan.1st except stay in the fetal position hiding from a bright light.  He comes out of the womb with a fist extended, like Green Lantern when he flies.
(Pretty much exactly how it's gonna go down)

Jan 3rd - After arguing with wife for a day, she agrees to let me name him Sidney Crosby Bowman (SCB). In return I agree not to fart for an entire year. Totally...worth it.

Jan 4th - SCB tries hitting on several female babies in the nursery at the hospital. After facing much rejection, he finally manages to wear one down by being slightly more badass than the other babies.

Jan. 9th - SCB drives himself home from the hospital cause he believes in himself.

Jan 31st - SCB has his first nightmare. In it, his parents are gunned down in an alley cause he was too much of a little bitch to sit through a marginally scary opera. Even though it was just a dream, the next morning, after an intense session of putting his finger in his nose, he starts preparing.

March 3rd - SCB watches "Inception" with his dad.

 March 9th - SCB figures out that his dad is an idiot.

March 18th - SCB first starts to suspect that there is no Easter Bunny. Kid's smart

April 29th - SCB does his first impression of Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and fucking nails it!

April 31st - Dad takes SCB to the place where the thing he was named after happened. Kid loves it?

 May 4th - Babysitter tries to put SCB to bed. She didn't factor in his skills with a lightsaber.

May 18th - SCB plays his first game of Pool against his dad. Unfortunately he loses because he can't talk yet and when you play j.Bowman you have to call your shots. NO FLUKES!

July 4th - SCB starts to believe it's not butter.

July 8th - SCB listens to Radiohead's album "The Bends" for the first time.

August 6th - SCB watches "Shawshank Redemption" with his dad, later tries to escape the house. Unlike the movie he gets caught immediately cause he smells like shit.
 Sept. 4th - SCB closes out the summer by going to town on his first watermelon.

Sept. 17th - SCB gets trapped in a sandwich. Eventually he escapes. The ordeal renders him temporarily Korean

Sept. 30th - SCB gets his "douchebag facial hair" phase out of the way early.

Oct. 18th - SCB starts writing his own blog "s.c.Bowman Can't Eat Solid Foods". It's pretty terrible.

Oct. 31st - SCB celebrates his first ever halloween. His dad tries to dress him up as Yoda but SCB cries in every costume except Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh
Nov. 3rd - SCB stands up for the first time after his dad makes a tiny bat-signal out of a flashlight and shines it at the ceiling.

Nov. 18th - SCB takes his first steps when he hears the theme song for the TV Show M*A*S*H*. He walks over to the TV and turns it off. This is the proudest I will ever be of him.

Nov. 27th - SCB gets in his first fight. Beats the shit out of this kid:

Dec. 17th - SCB wins his first steel cage match by annihilating Jenny from next door.
Dec. 25th - SCB celebrates his first Christmas. However he does not get any presents. Presents are for closers.

Dec. 31st - SCB celebrates his first New Years eve by rocking his first valour tracksuit. The bitches do, in fact, recognize.

Jan 2nd - Sidney Crosby Bowman and j.Bowman share in a father/son fart. SCB then says his first word: "boom-shaka-laka". Mom considers a divorce.

And so ends how I'm pretty sure the first year of my hypothetical son's life will go. I'm sure now there are many of you who hope that I never, ever have any children. Your fears and concerns have been noted. And if SCB's future mother is reading this right now, I'm sorry in advance dear. (You want to score some points men? Try apologizing back in time)

But I don't just plan on stopping at 1 kid. Oh no. I've got plans for the others too. And they will hate me more and more the older they get.

The second kid, I will expect a lot from but he will be a constant dissappointment to me.
Second childs name: Sequel

The third kid, well after hoping that he will make up for the mistakes of kid 2, he ends up being an even bigger dissappointment, causing me to leave the franchise family.
Third childs name: Trilogy

Then I plan on divorcing and remarrying, then having a fourth child.
Fourth childs name: Spin-off

At which point I think an old girlfriend from my early 20s will return and drop a bombshell on me: She had a baby a long time ago, and Maury Povich will confirm my paternity.
Fifth childs name: Prequel.

At this point I will reflect on the life I have had and the women I have had children with. After going through a period of great growth and maturity, I will re-marry my first wife and try it again, avoiding the mistakes that I made before. We are gonna have another child as well.
Sixth childs name: Re-boot.

My family will be equal parts complicated and awesome.We will gladly fight your family at dawn.

It all starts with the namesake. February 28th was an incredible day. So for the hockey gods and my fellow Canadians....Mr. Crosby, let's see another LINK: - Once More, With Feeling.

(Don't worry non-Canadians, I got something coming for you)

thanks for reading.

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