"It's back again for another year! A possibly annual list of 10 things I realized in the last year I am definitely not thankful for. If I offend, try not to take it too seriously. Cause I don't. On with the list!
10. Having to wait 3 (or more) years for the next Batman movie. Fuck, if we get 'em almost as frequently as the Olympics, make them 8 hours long. We'd totally be cool with it if we get to pee a few times....and maybe a snack?
|(Hey, here's a question: Why aren't you here now?)|
9. People on buses who sit on the aisle and refuse to stand up when you, the window seat person, need to get off the train. You are coming to your stop (or you've pulled the cord) and you turn slightly towards them, indicating that "yes, this is my desired time to get off this train". You fully expect them to be a decent human being, stand up and let you through without struggle. But instead they just do that little, "listlessly turn my legs to the side and make you shuffle by cause I'm a lazy asshole" maneuver (I'm sure that is what they call it). I understand if the train is SUPER CROWDED or if it's an old lady or something and her bones cannot take the constant pressure of sitting, then standing, then sitting, but anyone else? C'mon stand up. Are you jealous that I have the window seat? Is that what this is about? There is no reason why me trying to get off a train should look the same as me trying to walk through a crowded club. That little "Shuffle past" move has no place on a marginally busy train or bus. I always say I'll do it, but next time someone does that, I'm just gonna pretend like I dropped something in front of me and ass them in the face.
"OW! What the fuck?!"
"Oh, sorry, I dropped an item by accident. Did I ass you in the face?"
"It seems we wouldn't find ourselves in this predicament if you had decided to have some decency and class and stood up to let me through instead of being a lazy dickface and slightly angling your legs so that me getting by you becomes an unnecessary struggle which could lead to "Ass in face" type incidents"
"Ok. You're right. I'm shitty. Sorry"
|(One of these people....is an asshole.|
|(Dear "Wire" cast - Just in case you are all gathered around a computer reading this: come back!)|
It's like the female toupee, we all know they aren't real. At least get creative with it.
St. Patricks Day: Green Eyebrows.Halloween: One orange, one black.
Valentines Day: Maybe draw some hearts over your eyes or something.
Maybe one day draw them on opposite sides, just to fuck with people.
How do you deal with the complexity and sudden changes in human emotion? Do you have to run to the bathroom and change your expression? How shitty would surprise parties be?
"Surprise!"(Girl runs to the bathroom to draw on "surprised eyebrows")
"Oh, my god, you guys, I'm so surprised!"
What happens if she's at a funeral and she draws on the wrong eyebrows?
"How do I look?"
"Actually, girl I'm not dating cause you look silly, you drew on the angry eyebrows by mistake""Ugh! Now I have to go fix it, dammit!"
"Actually, now it kinda works"
In closing, please stop doing this. It is no different then me shaving my head bald and dipping it in a bucket of "chestnut brown" paint before I leave the house. But I'd look silly, wouldn't I?
|(Knock it off, lady)|
|(the day will come you smug, dust filled bastard)|
5. When movie franchises start great, then shit the bed....and the couch...and in the fridge where that leftover pie you were gonna eat for breakfast is. People loved the last movie, why over complicate things with new (read:boring) characters or by taking all the fun out of things? (Worst offenders: Pirates, Spider-man, Jurassic Park, Matrix, Star Wars, X-Men, Air Bud).
It would be nice if all movies followed what I call "The Bourne Precedent":
"Let's just make each new movie, equal or better than the last one"
"What are you, high?"
|(Not pictured: A good idea)|
4. Lineups that last longer than 7 1/2 minutes. I believe that the longer you wait in line, the better the payoff should be. Anything after 20 minutes there better be a "heej" and a grilled cheese sandwich waiting for me.
|("We heard they are selling iphones on the other side of this bridge. Or it's just a Quizno's")|
2. Couples who go at each other at concerts like their plane is going down and they have minutes to live. Now, I'm cool with some tenderness and some kissing at concerts. At the right moment with the right girl it can be sweet. But there are those, who believe, that there is no difference between a Jack Johnson concert and the couch in their living room. At a concert it can go from "Aww" to "Awful" in a heartbeat. Fellas, I don't care if the band plays the song you heard when you decided to stop booty calling your ex and commit to just two girls, show some class and keep a lid on it. Who is gonna yell out a request for "Freebird" if your preoccupied with a deep smooch? Can things not wait for the discretion and privacy of the backseat of a cab? or the solemnity of the bathroom stall/port-o-potty? or the peaceful tranquility of the alley? This entry concludes with with an easy to follow guide to concert PDA etiquette:
- Hugging (Aww)
- Dude standing behind lady with arms around her waist
- Kissing of varying degrees (Important: know where you are, remember you're in public)
- A grope or two as long as it's dark.
- Hands in each others pockets (dangerously close to the line)
- Longing stares into each others eyes/souls as you realize you've find someone very special
- 1 boob grab in plain sight (You get one, use it wisely)
- Trying to swallow each others heads
- Hands up shirt or down pants (Male or Female)
- Prolonged, borderline vampiric necking
|(What can I say? Billy Joel just has an effect on people. He brings it)|
AND WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY (THERE HAS BEEN MUCH) THE #1 THING I AM NOT THANKFUL FOR IN '08
1. Trevor Linden's retirement.
Food? Doesn't taste as good. Sunsets? Meh. Canadian Dollar? Laughable once again. And there is also the small matter of the fact that there is a void of courage and determination in every facet of our daily lives. Let's compare the good things that've happened since he retired to the bad:
- Tom Brady injured, Patriots season in jeopardy
- "C-crets Baxman" likes football (he has to, now. Football got him on the rebound)
- Earth hasn't fallen into a black abyss...yet
- Economy is fucked
- High School Musical 3
- Clouds 78% less puffy (it's science)
- Babies no longer laugh. They either cry or look confused
- The Lobster sub from Subway
- I Stubbed my toe
- The Mentalist
- Bernie Mac/Paul Newman died (what a great black/white buddy cop movie they would've made)
- "Prom Night Shymalan" releases another movie/"assterpiece"(The Happening). Fucks audience again.
- NHL discusses expanding to Europe (with no TL, who shall rise up to stop them?)
This world of ours seriously needs a shot of Vitiman TL16 to right itself again. Or 5 shots.
(NOTE: Apologies to readers from other countries who have no idea who Trevor Linden is. Just picture your cities sports hero, mix in a little ruggedness, add some extra courage and you've got your very own Trevor Linden. Every city has one in some form. He was ours. He still is.)
That's it for '08. In closing, to prove i'm not completely against showing appreciation for things, is a list of all I'm thankful for in 08.
- The NFL
- Brit Rock
- Beer League Softball
- Orange Juice Without Pulp
- Having a pen handy when I need one
- Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh
- Instant replays
- Ving Raimes the coat
- Office supplies
- TV on DVD
- Rickshaw chinese food restaurant
- When my ipod plays the perfect song at the right moment
- Gene Hackman's continued health
- the Thriller video
- Good servers at restaurants
- When your luggage comes by on the baggage carousel
- People willing to read this far down.
thanks for reading