Thursday, October 28, 2010

Life's Little Battles: Nestle vs. j.Bowman

Let's get this out of the way: The Thriller video is awesome. Alright? Down to business...

I would like to start out by apologizing to Nestle. There seems to have been a miscommunication between us. I'm willing to accept some none of the blame for it. It isn't the first time it has happened, but I feel the need to clear the air and set the record straight. I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but it seems that Nestle is operating under the impression that my mama raised a damn fool.

For those unfamiliar with what has become known around my house as "the incident" (...I live alone) here is a refresher: "Life's Little Battles: j.Bowman vs. Nestle"

While I honestly do appreciate their quick response, I now have to wait a ridiculous amount of time for this issue to be resolved. I have left out the name of the person who sent it, but I received the following email recently from a certain chocolate company:

"Dear Mr. Bowman,

Thank you for contacting us. We work hard to ensure each and every one of our products is perfect in every way. When one is not, we want to hear about it.

All of our products undergo a stringent quality assurance process, with continuous monitoring and hourly testing on every line and every product. Quality control checks include, but are not limited to, the inspection of all raw ingredients, packaging tests, taste tests and weight checks during and after the manufacturing process.

While we have extensive checks in place, customers like you provide us with one final quality control assessment one we wouldn't have otherwise. As such, I will report your experience to our Quality Assurance Team immediately.

We greatly appreciate your continued support of our products and our company.

We value you as a consumer and feel confident that you will be completely satisfied with our products in the future. You will receive a follow up letter within 4-6 weeks via regular mail that will contain product a replacement coupon to use for your next purchase at your favourite store.

I apologize for any concern this may have caused you and want to thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Thank you for choosing Nestlé"

When I read that I had to run to the nearest mirror to make sure I wasn't a chump because it seems they must've filled out the "chump template" and sent it to me by mistake. I don't know what they are trying to gain by explaining to me how awesome their quality control is and how meticulous they are with ensuring their products are as advertised. It might as well read: "Hey j.Bowman. The following is a list of things we didn't do, and as a result, you will not get what you paid for". But that isn't the thing that bugs me the most (and obviously as you can tell I'm a hard person to bug) This little gem stands out:

"You will receive a follow up letter within 4-6 weeks via regular mail that will contain product a replacement coupon to use for your next purchase at your favourite store"

A coupon will arrive in 4-6 weeks?!?! What the hell? I wasn't aware Nestle's corporate headquarters were in fucking Narnia. I was seriously planning on posting a resolution to this issue before the month was out praising Nestle and mentioning how greatful I was for them making this right. Hell I had already started writing it in my head (and it was amazing!). At this rate I'd be lucky if this, one of life's little battles, is resolved by Christmas. And what if my favorite store doesn't honour their magical coupon? I asked for a solution, and got back a big bag of uncertainty.

 (Sorry internet cat. We's are unablez to accept ur cooponz)

In closing, I don't want money or stock options or anything absurd like that. I have an apology, which I actually do appreciate, however I've heard many a tale of similar situations happening to other people and them getting a box of the product. I don't even want that (well I do, but I understand not getting it) you know what I want? What will make this all better?

2 Kit Kat bars.

Due to the fact that I have to wait until at least late November for this coupon (We'll all have grown and changed and be different people by then). For the short term, I'm done with you Nestle.When kids come to my door on Halloween for candy, they will not receive any Nestle brand chocolate bars for I will not have bought them. And if they ask for some, I will dump their bags of candy in my hallway and ensure that they grow up knowing that coupons won't solve all of life's problems.

If they don't even send the coupon in the hopes that I will forget in that time (which is a possibility), I have a coupon for something they can eat:

 (That is a typo. I want them to eat an Angus burger. That would be punishment enough)

Thanks for reading


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