Friday, November 26, 2010

Reverse Thanksgiving Countdown 2010

 (Now that I have your attention....)

Happy friggin' Thanksgiving y'all (From what I learned by watching Varsity Blues, that is American for "you all"). Thanksgiving traditions are important. It is a time of Turkey, football and watching your relatives get drunk and passive aggresively break each other down in a large group setting. Ahhh memories. Now this isn't pandering but I feel I should share some information with you. I am Canadian (gasp!) however as much as I love several things about my country, I do not celebrate our Thanksgiving. That is partially because we have 4 teams in our Football League (and 2 minor league teams, Hamilton Tiger Cats & the many incarnations of the Ottawa Rough Riders) but mostly I don't celebrate because...I have no idea what Canadian Thanksgiving is even about.

(*27 seconds of research*)

I still have no idea. Something about some dude named Frobisher, a group of French Canadians menacingly named "The Order of Good Cheer" (seriously?! was "The powdered Wig Contigent" copyrighted or something?) and one piece of information that was interesting:

"The first Thanksgiving Day after Canadian Confederation was observed as a civic holiday on April 5, 1872 to celebrate the recovery of the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII) from a serious illness."

The illness? Food poisoning. So what makes American Thanksgiving so special that I would defect to the "U.S.Eh." the last thursday in November? Many things. For one, their football league has 28 more teams than ours. Secondly, the day following American Thanksgiving is known as "Black Friday" and is essentially a battle royal in shopping malls across the country. The other reason I like American T-giving is because I may have misinterpreted the movie, but I'm pretty sure that is what "Apocalypto" was about.

(This guy? Amazing cook. Better shopper)

But there are some Thanksgiving traditions that transcend international borders or mayan brutality. One such tradition started waaaayy back in October of 2007. Man, we were all such different people then. I was pretty much the same only I had more hair. The tradition in question is my annual countdown of "10 Things I Am NOT Thankful For" this year. Back then they were just posted on Facebook, but last month I went Old School and brought the 2008 list and the 2009 list to j.Bowman Can't Sleep as a precursor to this, The 2010 Reverse Thanksgiving Countdown. As a disclaimer I should say don't get offended if I hate something you love.The list is all in good fun. Except number 6. Without further delay:


10. Messy Microwaves

How the shit does this happen? I don't have a fancy degree in science, but c'mon microwaves! I have no shame in admitting that if it wasn't for my microwave I would've starved to death years ago (perhaps a little shame in admitting that would be fitting). I just can't fathom how I put in some soup and when I go to take it out it looks like a crime scene in a well lit bear cave. There have been times where I honestly had no idea how there was still soup left in the bowl. So horrified am I upon discovering that my microwave looks like Tom Waits sounds that after I take my food out, I cannot bring myself to look inside for days. Have you ever tried to clean off the main plate, then break it? WHERE DO YOU GET A REPLACEMENT?! Then you feel even worse when you realize steel wool and a priest will be required to clean the damn thing. At that point it has become impossible to get it as pristine as it needs to be and I just have to accept the fact that it will look like a pizza pop committed suicide in there forever.

9. The fact that Rod Stewart wasn't flash frozen with liquid nitrogen then shattered into a million pieces like the T-1000 in Terminator 2.

(Vancouver celebrates, the world surely joins in)

8. Face Paint

You ever have something on your face and not know it? Everyone who looks at you gives you an extra look of confusion and you're not sure why. This is alright I guess, after all, how can you be held responsible if you don't even know you have something on your face? Unless of course you had it painted. Then it's your fault. I really don't understand this. Why would you spend $ on something that you can't see? Look at that Tiger dude up there. He put in a lot of effort and I have my doubts he actually thinks he's a tiger, even for fleeting moments. Face paint or not, he's still Jennings from accounting. The only person who would think otherwise is the crazy loner who works in the mail room and thinks Jennings is a real tiger. He is going to shoot him.

I know you'd be able to see it with a reflective surface but c'mon, if for some reason you get your face painted you will probably be out in public at a carnival or a bank heist or something.  I'm not talking about kids. Kids are dumb, they don't know any better. If parents don't step in an limit the amount of exposure their kids get to face paint, the future of those kids is as shady as a clown's intentions.

 (No good can come of this. He's wearing face paint)

Face-painting is a gateway...painting. Case in point:


 (This kid is gonna grow up to take paintball way too seriously)

(I have nothing bad to say about "Darth Maul Kid". Nerd cred. Respect)

Just in case you think face paint is harmless and it shouldn't be on my list this year, keep this in mind: The Ultimate Warrior's parents let him wear face paint whenever he wanted. And he turned out, well....

(Not pictured: The results of good parenting)

7. "Water resistant" anything.

This bothered me during a recent trip to Florida. I have mentioned before on the blog that I am a member of a minority that has been the subject of ridicule for...well I don't know, but there has been ridicule. Of course I'm talking about Pale people. Me and my fellow "Powders" (that's our word! Don't you dare use it!) have to wear lots of sunscreen or else we burst into flames. Seeing as how we want to distance ourselves from the Twilight comparisons, which have damaged our reputation considerably, bursting into flames is not an option.

(Thankfully our leader has returned. He's like our Jesse Jackson)

Now I had applied slathered on sunscreen. I then arrogantly went outside, taunting the Florida sun to give my skin it's best shot. Most of the day went fine, however after going on a ride that cause me to get soaking wet, the sun saw it's opening and made it through my defenses. I got a sunburn, I got angry, then I got confused, after all, my suncreen was "waterproof". WRONG! It was "Water-resistant". I have no idea what that means. You know what else is "water-resistant"? My pants....spagetti....the skin....socks...that thing over there....that thing next to it....ect. Everything is "water resistant" to some degree. Except for water. I could market any product I wanted and claim it is "water resistant" and nobody could ever sue me. Trust me, I know. My legal team advised me that I could not sue the suncreen company for psychological damage done by the distressing sunburn I got. Even on the grounds that my sunscreen was shitty at resisting water. So products, if you aren't "WATER-PROOF", shut the fuck up.

6. Emo Culture claiming "The Nightmare Before Christmas" as their own.


We had a deal, emo culture. We would only make fun of you on even numbered days, we'd let you have stupid looking hair without attacking you with clippers AND we'd let you have "Edward Scissorhands". In return you would only listen to your horrible music through headphones and you would stay away from our culture.

 (My favorite part of Edward Scissorhands? When it was over)

It was a fair deal, in the end I think we gave up more than you (I reeeeeeaaaalllly wanna wipe all of your stupid haircuts off the face of the earth). But you have crossed the border we drew in eyeliner and I am not happy about it. A glaring example is when you got your fingerless gloved hands on "Spider-Man 3" and turned this:

(Bad ass)

Into this.....


Now, as mad as I was about this (it ruined a relationship) I was even angrier to find out that the Emo Community has been covertly snatching up other things that do not belong to them. I don't see a lot of emo kids in my day to day life. Primarily because I don't hang out in corners and I don't shop at the "Skinny Jeans Emporium". So I don't really know what thosse mopey bastards are up to. However this year, after walking past a hot topic, I discovered that they had claimed the 1993 film "The Nightmare Before Christmas" as their own. Bullshit! How did that happen? I don't LOVE the movie or anything but they crossed the damn line. I see Jack Skellington backpacks and ironic purses out and about more often now and, by god, I am not thankful for that. How would the emo community feel if I just decided to claim "being sad for no reason" as only something we could do? Or if we just decided to take the band 30 Seconds to Mars as-- bad example. That shit would never happen. Umm....okay I can do this. There has to be an example of something they covet that I would it! How would you feel if I decided to claim white belts as ours? Aside from slightly cutting yourself to get attention, I think your reaction would also be that of anger sorrow, followed by intense feelings of aggression despair and loud yelling...crying...sobbing wimpering.

 (Here, take "Corpse Bride". We don't want it)

I will put all you self loathing douchebags on notice right now. If you even THINK about coming after Jurassic Park, there is no limit to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. Or your parents basement.

(This is the last time I wanna see a Dinosaur cry. They don't cry. They eat Nedry.)

5. The Continued Corporate Sponsorship of Sports Stadiums.

 Rogers Arena in Vancouver is exempt. Even though I used to work for the company, I still would prefer Van's NHL stadium/Concert venue to be referred to as either the "Trevor Linden Thunderdome" or the "Fuck Messier Arena". But Judging from the next few examples, one thing is clear:






(Actually.....this one I'm cool with.)

It is only going to get worse from here. I think most pro sports stadiums should learn from Williamsport, Pennsylvania and name their stadiums, parks, arenas and fields after something that doesn't generate any money at all.
(This is actually real. And I love it. GO CROSSCUTTERS!)

4. Daylight Savings time

It has been several weeks now since we had to set our clocks back an hour in order to make people more depressed when they leave work at 5pm and it's pitch black outside. This is also more commonly known as "bullshit". Every clock in my life that I'm able to control (alarms, watch, ect) I have staunchly refused to turn back an hour. For one reason, I refuse to let the seasons push me around and tell me what to do. Another reason, in 6 months when we have to set them ahead again, I will have saved 30 seconds (Boo-ya!). A third reason: I'm an idiot.

3. Missing a call from an unrecognized number.

Man I'm really not thankful for whenever this happens. Especially when they don't leave a voicemail. Your options are either to pretend like you are a spy and trace the phone number (also known as doing a very simple reverse lookup search online. But I like to do it while wearing a suit and holding a briefcase). Now sometimes you find out that it was a friends work or something, and the mystery is solved. However there are few things I dislike more than those times where all you find out is that it is a "Private Number". At this point, the human race is seperated into two classes of people:

On one side, the "Alphas". Brave, courageous folks who will take a leap of faith and call the number back, not knowing who will answer or how the conversation will go. This often leads to conversations that play out like this:

"Hi, who is this?"
"Umm...who is this? You called me."
"Hey, you called me first, jerk"
"Well now you're calling me, asshole"

On the other side are a group I like to refer to as the "Cowardly Bitches". These are the "oh, they'll call back" types. They never do. And some of the more apathetic Cowardly Bitches won't really care and they will go on with their lives as if it never happened. But if you're like me (which for your sake I hope you are not) this mystery will eat at you, and eat at you, until you call back like a week later and this conversation happens:

"Hi, you called me 6 days ago, and didn't leave a message. It's been bugging me ever since and I was wondering who you are?"
".....I have to go now"

Too many of those led me to become an Alpha several years ago. Sack up, Cowardly Bitches. Call mystery numbers back. Interesting things will happen.

(Allow me to narrow it down for you, dude: It wasn't a girl)

2. Arrogant kids who are too big for strollers but still ride in them.

I was out and about recently (most times I just go out, but on that particular day I had some extra time so I added "about" to the mix). I saw a kid in a stroller. I see a fair number of them, more than kids on leashes, which is equal parts humiliating and hilarious. But something about this specific kid didn't sit right with me. It could have been his stupid face or the fact that he was picking his nose (putting his finger in his stupid face) but the main reason I wasn't cool with it was that the kid had to have been at least 6 years old. 

Now this was bad enough already. Hell when I took my first steps, they were immediately followed by every other step I have taken in my life.My father, J.Bowman, wouldn't let me grow up entitled and weak. He sent a very clear message to a young j.Bowman that nobody, NOBODY, pushes a Bowman around (whether it be in a stroller or a relationship). I was a very proud, albeit very fatigued youngster. The reason the stroller kid I saw on this day bugged me so much was that he had this look on his face, this...arrogance. He had this air of entitlement about him that made me wish I was 6 so I could whoop his ass. For the record I was not a tough kid at all, but damn was I fast!
 (The fastest kid at Pale camp, 3 years in a row)

Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the kid I saw. I don't think his mom would've been cool with it. I'm sure she knows j.Bowman Can't Sleep is an arena of ridicule that few people make it out of with all of their feelings intact. Now while I wasn't able to get a pic of this kid, this is the closest facsimile the internet had to offer:

(Just raise the smugness by about 67% and you can imagine what I saw on that day)

I sincerely hope that that will be the oldest kid I ever see in a stroller. That was the laziest shit I've ever seen. The kid was being treated like a Roman Emperor. As far as I see it, if you are old enough to convey arrogance, you are old enough to walk. Strollers are for babies and babies only:

(God dammit. Ok, no more strollers for anyone!)

1. Morning (ugh)

(If my morning was represented by a cartoon sun, it'd look like him. That bastard had a rough night, but a great night)

If there is one thing an insomniac hates, it's infomercials. If there are two things, it's infomercials and the cruel light of morning. Mornings sucks ass. It is offensive to all senses. I can't think of anything I like about the morning. Except for breakfast foods. But I have lived on my own for several years now and I can have them whenever I want. (Nothing like a romantic candlelight dinner of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal to get the ladies swooning). But there are several things about mornings that I used to like but have gotten progressively worse. For instance, cartoons are really shitty now. When I was younger they were awesome. Shows like:

Saved by the Bell (not a cartoon, I know. Shut up, it rules!)
Bobby's World
Garfield & Friends
Muppet Babies
Goof Troop
Batman: The Animated Series
The Tick
Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Compare those to the shows that are on now. Shows like:


Well I don't know any, but I'm sure they are terrible. Other things about the morning I'm not thankful for include the sound of my 4 alarms going off. That isn't a joke. I require 4 alarms to get up, each set at a different 15 minute intervals. Just because j.Bowman Can't Sleep doesn't mean I don't have to get up early for shit. Alarm 1 is my cell phone, which is right next to my head and set to the ringtone I had assigned to the prettiest girl I ever dated. Often times I will instinctively grab my phone when it goes off in the morning and start apologizing. Alarm 2 is an old clock radio that is just out of reach from my bed (I have long arms though, so sometimes I'm able to give it a good smack). That alarm is set just off the dial of the local talk radio station on max volume. Waking up to the sound of static yelling can be quite terrifying, but you WILL wake up. Alarm 3 is an ipod dock clock radio at the foot of my bed on a dresser that is set to a local radio station I absolutely hate. Again, if that won't get someone up, it would take something drastic. Alarm 4 is drastic. An old school double bell ringer in a metal pot by my bedroom door. Together they form "The Quad Irritiation", the greatest wake up system in the history of man. So good in fact that I might perhaps start a spin-off blog that I'll write first thing in the morning when I get up. So be sure to subscribe to "j.Bowman Wakes Up Bitterly". Never has incoherence been so stupid.

I can't think of anyone I've ever met that likes getting out of bed. My bed rules. I never want to leave it. It is warm and comfortable and everything the outside world has to offer doesn't compare to it. Except hockey. I'll get up for hockey.

 (Big Bird was a snitch. "The Street" knows how to handle a snitch)

So that's that, Sleepless Knights. Done for another year. Normally this is where I list things that I'm thankful for, but I do that every month in the Power 16 so I'm not going to add it to the novel I've written here so far. I actually set out to make this a short list this year. I hope next year the list of things I'm not thankful for will be a little shorter. However judging how this and every other year goes, chances are at least 10 things will happen in the next 365 that irk, annoy, irritate, vex, frustrate, exasperate, aggravate, infuriate, miff, peeve, distress and depress me. The only thing I know for sure is that Thesaurus will not appear on the list. I will say one thing I'm thankful for in 2010 though, and I mean it in all sincerity.....

Thanks for reading


You don't truly like something in this day & age until you like it on facebook. Until then you are just lying.

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