Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Serious Talk About Bath Salts And The Forthcoming "Zombie Apocalypse"

Monpeeps, how are you?

That question is rhetorical moderately unimportant. I hope you are all doing well, and if you aren't, well there isn't a whole lot I can do about it from here (until someone invents an awesome grilled cheese sandwich that you can download and eat....now I want one, fuck!)

(And now you know exactly how I feel. Sucks eh?)

If there is one thing I have proved to be really good at in 2012, it's taking hiatuses (?). I'm barely a paragraph into this post and I have already revealed some pretty terrible spelling habits. Oh well. A lot has happened since I last returned after a lengthy absence only to take another one. Such things include:

- There was a new Spider-Man movie
- I gave a good friend the "Razor's Edge" finishing move (look it up) off a dock into a lake while super drunk.
- I turned 27 years old (not the same weekend as above, but still fun)
- The final Christopher Nolan "Batman" film came out and was immediately vilified for not being the answer to all life's problems.

(Batman seen here looking at everyones incredibly lofty expectations)

Yes, it's been pretty eventful and there are a lot of noteworthy things to discuss. Like, oh I don't know, THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING DRUGS AND EATING EACH OTHERS FACES!

(As opposed to just swapping them, like the good old days).

According to many terrifying reports (which I don't read because current events are fucking terrifying), some new drug called "Bath salts" is sweeping the nation. And by "sweeping the nation" I mean causing people to flip the fuck out and go full Romero on each other.

(Bath? No, this is officially "zombie broth" now)

Rather than make you read more white type on a black background (btw I am NEVER changing the design of this blog), I'll let a video fill in the details. I didn't feel like searching for long, so it was the first short one I came across (sub 3 minutes).

Take it away, girl who somewhat reminds me of Lisa Loeb:

(In a word: WHATINTHEFUCK!?!?)

So yeah, that's happening now. Let's check in with ACTUAL Lisa Loeb to see what she has to say about this:

(She had absolutely NOTHING to add to this. I don't even know why I asked her)

 I don't tend to "get serious" too often here on j.B.C.S. but this seems like the perfect topic and opportunity ("topictunity"?... No. The answer to that question was NO!) for me to talk about something seriously, for serious. And to show you that this is no laughing matter and I'm crazy serious, I'm at about here on the "Gene Hackman Scale Of Emotions":

(Not pictured: Malarkey, Whimsy, Fucks of any kind)

When this story first broke a while ago (C'mon, I've been busy. You saw that list up there) one thing that kept getting tossed around was the phrase "zombie apocalypse". The perpetrators of a few of these crimes have fit the zombie description pretty well (face eating is a big one) but the fact that zombies are movie monsters seemed to calm most everyone down.

However there is something that calms me down without question. That is the fact that people watch too many movies. What leads to our panic also leads to our salvation. By that I mean this:

Humanity is WAY too "genre savvy" to fall prey to a zombie apocalypse.

(Hipster zombies will be the first to go)

After doing the slightest bit of research possible before writing this post (research is overrated) I discovered that several governments actually have zombie protocols in place in case the world gets overrun by the walking dead.

(or a shit load of Dales. FUCK DALE!)

But it isn't the governments preparation that comforts me when I think of an army of shuffling boogeymen intent on getting some brains in 'em. It's the average citizen.

(Shown here, planning)

On this planet (Earth, in case you are reading this after the colonization of the moon), right now, I estimate there are 426,000 ordinary people who have a plan "just in case" the dead rise and need to be put the fuck back down.

I am one of them.

Years ago some friends and I jokingly planned what we would do if we woke up and zombies were all up in everyone's shit. Strategies were discussed, weapons were hypothetically acquired and shelter was targeted for a takeover. Hell, we even planned to pretend not to know each other at first so we don't appear as a cohesive unit/threat to other survivors, but we are TOTALLY working together.

(NOTE: This discussion happened while we were watching the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" at the time....which is an awesome movie btw. It's the best part of this "40 Year Old Virgin" scene, NSFW):

Although there was varying degree of seriousness to our "what should we do?" conversation....we still had it. And we're semi-normal people. If it all went down, I know I'd follow our poorly thought-out plan because, well....I don't have another one.

This is my plan B:

Thing is, when it comes to "Z-Day" I've thought about it but I haven't thought THAT much about it. According to my completely made up figure above, many people have. And that isn't even including the crazies who build custom guns and refer to them as "zombie destroyers"...


So if you are worried about zombies being total dicks and ruining your day/life, in all seriousness you can relax. The odds are much better that someone in your neighbourhood is fully stocked up on weapons just waiting for the day when being an amoral murderous vigilante is acceptable behaviour.

(Everyone can relax, he's got this. And by "this" I mean a chainsaw hand)

So, feel better? I know I do. And to be sure I made sure to measure my emotion on the "Gene Scale" again...

(I'm... not a very happy person)

But if the zombies in question are "fast zombies"? We're all fucked.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow the "Sleepless Knight" on twitter @jBowmancouver. He may be an idiot, but twitter is full of them. What's one more gonna hurt?