I do not participate in "Movember". For those who don't know what Movember is, it is the 1 month out of the year when all men decide to grow mustaches in protest of Tom Selleck's show "Magnum P.I." Getting cancelled. Now, while I admit the show was pretty good and his mustache was impeccable, I find it strange that an entire sect of the male gender would show their displeasure at it's cancellation by gro-........
(*27 seconds of research*)
Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Now I get it. Prostate cancer awareness. That is a much better reason than what I thought it was. (Magnum P.I. was good, but not "facial hair protest" good like "Charles in Charge")
Now I meant it when I said I do not participate in Movember. It isn't because I'm pro-prostate cancer or anything. In fact. I wanna go on record right now and say that I think prostate cancer is a jerk. If it was something I could physically punch, I'd punch it, then turn that into a sweet "punch-kick" combo before prostate cancer knew what hit it (it'd be cured before it hit the ground).
It isn't that I don't participate in Movember because I think mustaches are gross and silly. I don't at all. I believe them to be badass. John Holmes had one. You know what else he had? 14,000 women (also a pretty serious cocaine problem, but today we will just be focusing on mustaches) We'll revisit that other part of his life during my forthcoming post regarding "Blow-vember".
So if I don't hate mustaches and I'm anti-prostate cancer (seriously, what a dick) why do I not participate in Movember?. I don't know who is more qualified to field that question, j.Bowman of the present or the ghost of Movember past? Also known as j.Bowman circa 2007. Take it away, you crazy bastard:
I don't participate in Movember because....I cannot. I am unable to grow a decent looking mustache. I believe the medical condition is referred to as "Not A Real Man Syndrome". It is my secret shame. Well...not anymore I guess....damn this blog! Now that it's out of the bag, I want to say that I respect all the dudes out there who are willing to look slightly more awesome for 31 days in the name of telling prostate cancer you don't like it (also, strongly worded letters send a pretty clear message).
Genetics are an interesting thing. There are two things wrong with that picture up there (3 if you count that my beer is empty). Lack of mustache is one problem. I claimed it was an aesthetic choice, but nobody believed me. Rightfully so. Now in addition to the mustache being strangely absent, another reason I don't participate in Movember is that my facial hair grows in red, while my natural hair color is brown. (Thanks for the Irish genetics, mom). My Father, J.Bowman, had fantastic mustaches. All business, those things. His mustaches combined with the power of his voice created something that commanded respect and admiration. You would think, based on his genes that I would be able to grow sweet mustaches at will. Does the mustache gene skip a generation? I'm not the most qualified person to answer that question. I'm gonna let a familiar face around the blog field that one. My hypothetical first born son, Sydney Crosby Bowman:
So, for the month of November I want to do something to show prostate cancer I'm not gonna tolerate it's bullshit and I hope it stops existing. I'm growing stupid looking sideburns. For several reasons, one of which is that they are the only kind I know how to grow. Another reason is that 1 sideburn represents how terrible I think prostate cancer is (the answer? quite), the other sideburn represents my support for my brothers who hate prostate cancer but are unable to show it above their upper lip.
So in honor of Movember, and in support of all those people celebrating it the desired way, I present to you the starting line-up for Team Mustache 2010:
Starting Pitcher: Dennis Eckersly
Relief pitcher: Former Vancouver Canuck defenceman Dave Babych
Catcher: NFL Hall of Fame Coach Mike Ditka
1st Base: NBA
2nd Base: retired NFL
Shortstop/Team Captain: Sam Elliott
3rd Base: Tom Selleck (specifically from the 1992 cinema classic "Mr. Baseball")
Left Field: The World's coolest scientologist: Jason Lee
Center field: "
Right Field: 80's WWF Superstar, the late Ravishing Rick Rude
Designated Hitter: Intergalactic badass Lando Calrissian
And who will lead this army of awesome into battle? I present to you the head coach of Team Mustache 2010:
Clone of Sam Elliott known as "Same Elliott"
So happy Movember to you all. Except you, prostate cancer. You can go fuck yourself.
Thanks for reading.
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