Monday, November 29, 2010

Life's Little Battles: "The Nescalation"

(j.Bowman looking unimpressed...and sorta drunk)

That picture represents how I feel about Nestle at the moment perfectly: moments away from either fightin' something or throwing up.

It is a particularly sleepless night tonight. I have reached that point where I have to get up in a few hours for a noon appointment, but if I do fall asleep I'll just have to wake up in three hours anyway. So I've come to that well known conclusion that I will just ride the lightning and stay up and get some rack-time tomorrow afternoon (Unless "Divorce Court" is on. Cannot sleep during that shit. It's riveting). Figured since I'm up anyway I will update anyone who cares about my escalating fued with the Nestle chocolate company (anyone who cares in this case being me and the 8 people who have taken up the cause). In case you are new to "j.Bowman Can't Sleep", here is a refresher of the opening salvo of this war:

They fire theirs 

So where does that leave us? Well that leaves me still without retribution and them sitting on a mountain of chocolate, hatching evil schemes....that probably involve the taunting or general mistreatment of orphans (NOTE: In no way am I implying that Nestle has a vendetta against me AND orphans. I don't imply, I insinuate). So I weighed the pros and cons of continuing my crusade and sending them another email. Here are the list of Pros & Cons for your perusal:

PROS (send an email back)
I might get their coupon faster than 4-6 weeks.
I might get a legitimate apology from them.
Che Guevara would do it
It might properly convey the message to them that I am not a punk bitch.
I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror.

CONS (don't send email, live my life like a bitch)
Might ruin my chances to win anything at the "Standing up for what you believe in" awards.
I will be mocked by the mailman daily for asking if my coupon has come yet.
No amount of scrubbing would be able to wash off the "cowardice"
I wouldn't have anything to write about until that letter came.
It was a minor inconvenience that I'm blowing way out of proportion.
It would cut into my "Call of Duty: Black Ops" playing time.

Now someone recently suggested to me an elaborate plan where I get hired by Nestle, climb the corporate ladder, get several promotions over the next decade and then take them down from within. Now, as much as I love overly elaborate plans, this particular one requires me to wear a tie, so fuck that. Instead I opted for diplomacy (as I feel I have done through this entire ordeal) and I sent them a RIDICULOUSLY polite email. Which was hard to do. The one I sent was the only draft that didn't start out with "Hey Fuckers". Here is that email:

Hello there, (I still think "Hey Fuckers" was a solid opening)

Thank you for responding to my customer comment. I wrestled with whether or not to say anything but i figured someone should know there was a problem. I looked on the internet and saw that i am not the only one this has ever happened to, which unfortunate as that may be, its nice to know others have at some point were in the same boat. I also noticed something else however.

I was wondering if i was needed to send my wrapper in to nestle canada as proof of purchase? 4-6 weeks seems like an awful long time to wait for a coupon in the mail. Would it expediate the process if i sent in my proof of purchase?

Thank you again for your response, i really appreciate it.

J******* Bowman

What a friggin' gentlemen. On my best behaviour there. Just in case you were wondering I don't actually sign my emails with  "J*******", just don't feel like ever mentioning my full first name on here. It's not a big secret or anything but there is a reason I chose "j.Bowman" that very few people know. If you already know my name, congrats, you know me slightly better than people who just read the blog. Speaking of the blog, the story continues:

Now if you worked for Nestle and you saw that email, how would you respond? If you answered "I'd probably send back a passive aggressive response and then scream at a puppy", you might just have a future with that company. Here is the response I got to that gem of politeness up there:

"Thank you J*****"

AND THAT WAS IT! Man, even typing it out made me mad. I think this is an example of their auto-correct changing things before they get sent out. The original was a lot more direct before auto-correct fixed it. What they probably meant to say was:

"Fuck you J*****"

Regardless, that's how I interpreted it. So yeah, I don't even know what they expect me to do with that. Why even send that email out? I'd rather them just send me a picture of a middle finger in the mail. At least I can respect their creativity. But this? This is just three words! I can be a force for good. I WANT to eat Kit Kats and Coffee Crisp again but I also wanna be able to look my future kids in the eye and tell them that "Daddy never took shit from chocolate companies". (My father said it to me, and it changed our relationship. The amount of respect I had for him went up exponentially. Then we went out back and had a catch. It was exactly like "Field of Dreams", only with more cursing).

Now, knows where it's at. After I shamelessly pimped out their site on the blog (selling out > Integrity) their site got 13 more hits the day I posted it (I actually have no idea. I just took my payment and never asked questions). Sure it's not a huge impact, but I can make a difference. I had planned on doing a whole post about how I was duped with a Kit Kat, but I told Nestle about it and they rectified their mistake and I love them even more now. Nestle, you are making it extremely difficult for me to write that post or feel those feelings. But.... I've got a plan. You like to send me 3 word responses, eh? Well I hope someone in your PR department has ALOT of time on their hands and finds this blog post, because I want you to know the 3 words I've got for you..........

This aint over.

Thanks for reading


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