Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; April

Another month has come and gone. And the time to honor a bunch of things is once more upon us. The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined for all the look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of April 2011:

The Green Ranger's Power Shield

The year was 1994-ish and I was 8 years old. These two facts aren't entirely important except for that I was at ground zero for the "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" phenomenon. They were goddamn huge. For anyone who doesn't know what the Power Rangers were (I mean the original, not that "Zeo Space Dino Jungle Speed Force" bullshit it became) the show was essentially about a bunch of horrible actors (pretending to be teenagers) who get super powers from a giant floating head and use giant robot dinosaurs to engage in fights with monsters sent to earth by a bitch on the moon for no reason aside from that she was bored.

(Shakespeare Game of Thrones, it was not)

That was basically it. There were brief messages of tolerance, but each episode normally consisted of a basic formula: Teenagers do shit, nobody cares, Moon Bitch sends in her first wave of foot soldiers, they get their grey asses handed to them, she calls in the big guns, teenagers turn on their superpowers, bad guy grows gigantic, kids call dinosaurs and after insane amounts of property damage (but no civilian casualties) the monster gets beat and the kids all enjoy a nice smoothie at the local juice bar. There. That is every fucking episode of Power Rangers ever. Oh, I should all during all of that, Billy ran away and hid like a bitch.

(There was nothing redeemable about Billy. Fuck Billy!)

So that was basically the run of the show, and although awesome, it kinda got stale fast. Until a new kid showed up in Angel Grove and had a penchant for wearing only one color of shirt. He was also a brooding badass who told that slutty Pink Ranger to go fist herself. Tommy had arrived and with him came a tidal wave of tremendous.

("Mom, when you are buying my ONLY green shirts!")

So he was evil and putting him next to Billy made him look like Kurt Russell, but there was one thing that put him over the top into awesomeness and would one day land him in the most pointless hall of fame ever (sorry WWF Hall of Fame, I meant this one). The Green Ranger Power Shield!

(It attracted sometimes lightning, but always bitches)

All the other Rangers looked like crayola shit compared to this emerald badass, and the majority of that had to be the fact that unlike all those other wafers, he got to bomb around town with a special badge of awesomeness on his suit. I should also point out that his weapon of choice was a knife (as in "you have to get right up in ones grill to kill them with it) but it was ALSO a flute!

(Lures you in with soft melodies, then sticks ya)

The producers of the show just seemingly kept heaping awesome upon him. A dude who rocks that kinda extra swag needs to have a pretty badass giant robot for backup right? Absolutely! So instead of having boring old dinosaurs like the other rangers, he gets an animal so awesome it had to be made up because something so dope has never existed. You can't just look at that power shielded green dude up there and saddle him with a fucking triceratops (seriously, Billy was THE WORST) they gave him a goddamn DRAGON!

(Granted, the execution was considerably less awesome than it deserved)

So unbeatable was this guy (all the guys on the playground wanted to be him, and the girls wanted to be with him) that they needed to bring in another villain just to pose a credible threat. You would think with the amazetitude I have shown you thus far that this villian would have to be comprised ENTIRELY of muscles, right?

(Well that's exactly what they fucking did!)

Sadly, this is where the Green Ranger peaked. Soon, due to Red Ranger being ironically jealous, the Green Ranger went from being official team badass, to shieldless knob, to powerless mulleted douche and then to make matters worse the Red Ranger flat out STOLE his awesome power shield and the other massive robot started wearing the poor Dragonzord as a fucking hat. I have detailed the transition below in pictures. I'd say enjoy, but if you are like me (god help you) you'll find this as much of a goddamn travesty as I do:

(Power grubbing sonofabitch also got lightsabers out of the deal)

(Dragonzord hat. The low point for all Green Ranger fans)

Things eventually got better for ol' Tommy. He ended up getting another color, becoming the White Ranger (shield included) but instead of a dragon and a knife-flute he ended up getting a tiger and a talking sword that would never shut the fuck up.

("White power!....oh shit")

(Knife Flute > Talking Sword)

So because of how awesome a piece of what I'm guessing was foam was, and how it turned what would've been another blaise addition to the team into someone that was an incredible threat to everyone (even within the team) I happily say, to the Green Ranger's Power Shield: Welcome to the hall.

Just remember, haters gonna hate.

McCain Deep n' Delicious Cakes
They are deep, they are delicious and I would betray every single one of you if it meant I'd get to have one. I've come to terms with that, so should you.
Alex Edler's hit on Drew Doughty (2010 Playoffs)

See that guy up there? (the one below the Green Ranger and that delicious cake?) That is Alex Edler, young upstart defenceman for the Vancouver Canucks NHL Hockey Team. Now I may be biased in saying this, but they are the greatest hockey team in the universe. As I've pointed out before, many years ago they realized they were above trivial championships and just wanted to play for the fun of it. To Mr. Edler up there, apparently "the fun of it" meant utterly destroying this man:

Los Angeles Kings defenceman (and Team Canada Gold Medalist) Drew Doughty. I like him a lot. The only real downside to him as far as I can tell is that he doesn't play here in Vancouver. But aside from that, I think he is an excellent player and very exciting to watch. Having said that, these two (teams) met in the first round of the 2010 NHL Stanley Cup playoffs and in all likelihood that meant that these two (players) would meet as well. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one such meeting...

 I went home that night and I honestly must have watched that hit over 20 times. Welcome to the hall.

Commander Riker's Beard on Star Trek: TNG

All beards should be measured on the "Riker Scale". It would make things so much easier. I don't honestly know what not having a rating system for beards makes things difficult per se, but I truly believe life would be more liveable if we used that neatly trimmed facial paragon of virtue to qualify beards as "riker-esque". Now, the character didn't always have a beard. He was clean shaven early on in the shows run. He was also a giant fucking pussy who didn't command respect from a goddamn person on that ship. Even visiting aliens would snicker at his lack of manliness behind his back. And who wouldn't?

(How did he even pass his interview looking like that?)

At some point, probably with some encouragement from Data dropping some beard statistics on him, Riker decided looking like a smug bitch wasn't getting him anywhere. Then he lived up to the combined potential of every man, and this happened.

(" boldly go where 24 and 16 men have gone before. Respectively")

Commander Riker avec Beard was king of that ship. And that ship has a pasty android that was the only real pale role model I had at that age. Doesn't matter. Riker's beard trumps all.

(In a perfect world, he would be Captain)

I found several pictures of the beard on the net and I tried to download them only to be given "virus warnings". See? Hackers even know the power that beard has to draw people in. I typed "Riker clean shaven" into a google image search and it just replied "Why?"

As far as putting the moves on the ladies goes, PBR (You may think this stands for "Pre-Beard Riker" but it actually stands for "Pointless Bitch Riker") had some very forceful, lame and just not cool techniques to get the women onto his holodeck. Check out this weak game he is displaying here:

(Weak game, Riker. Weak game)

Bearded Riker used more sophisticated techniques to draw in the chickie pies. Such as...

(Playing trombone, with a beard)

(Pondering the intricacies of human existence...with a beard)

(Wearing robes, with a beard)

See, that's just the thing: Bearder Riker had robes! And probably lotions too. The man was an intergalactic slit-slayer the likes of which have never been seen before.

(Well, I wouldn't say "never")

The plots on the show got better and better due to the beard as well. Who can forget the episode where Picard tries to draw attention from his beard by instituting some key new uniform changes? How did that work out?

(Much to his chagrin, Beardly)

Or the intensity of the Season 3 cliffhanger finale where this happens:

("Bitch, nooooooooooo!!")

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the 2 hour long series finale "Beardmageddon"

Welcome to the hall. (specifically the "Facial Hair Wing" where it joins Sam Elliott's mustache for all eternity)

That late night infomercial guy's "Question Mark Jacket"

All Matthew Lesko ever wanted to do was to help you get free money from the government. That's it. It's an admirable goal, made more admirable by the fact that he's willing to dress up like the fucking Riddler to convince you he is on the level.

(A questionable strategy, no doubt)

 I have no idea how many books and how-to DVDs this man sold in his lifetime. But if he wanted to make money off people, he should've been selling his jackets. Because looking at how his sick threads, two things are abundantly clear:

(He's so rich he's ridin' dirty)

(And he is legit. The arrow goes UP, people! How can you doubt this man?)

Welcome to the most pointless hall of fame ever, question mark jacket.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow me on twitter @jbowmancouver if you'd like me to waste smaller amounts of your time during the day. I promise no tweet will be relevant in any way whatsoever.

Royal Wedding 2011: Are You Having a Laugh?!

The wonder, the romance, the beauty, the pageantry.

Yeah I didn't see it either.

(Pictured L-R: Human Opinion, Kate Whatsits and Prince Baldspot)

That little girl on the bottom left represents my feelings on the matter perfectly. It's been a few days since "Royal Wedding Fever" took the majority of the world by gun point and absolutely enchanted millions of people who are huge fans of slow driving, standing at an alter, and waving. OH HOW THEY WAVED!


Thursday, April 21, 2011

CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Blackhawks

So I plan on writing a lot about the Vancouver Canucks hockey team in the next few days weeks months as they continue their quest for the franchises first ever Stanley Cup championship. Now I also understand that a lot of you who read j.Bowman Can't Sleep could care less about something that means so much to me. First off, that hurts, okay? Secondly it's my blog and if I want to write about my beloved Canucks no man of woman born can stop me (I wasn't being sexist, I was quoting Macbeth to give this post more oomph because, honestly, Macbeth brings the oomph!). The blog changes seasonally. October is all about Thriller. December is about Christmas movies and April, May, June are about Canucks playoffs. In order not to alienate the many who read this thing and don't care, I will be prefixing all Canucks playoff posts with the "CanuckWatch 2011" title line. So feel free to skip them and tune in to your regularly scheduled nonsense on j.B.C.S. Or preferably, follow CanuckWatch 2011 and share in this frozen march to destiny with me. Cool? Cool.

So the Canucks were up 3-0 in the best of 7 series against the Chicago Blackhawks and everything was going awesomely. The Blackhawks eliminated us in the second round of the playoffs the last 2 seasons, so the opportunity for payback (and a 4 game sweep) tasted delicious. However in game 4 the Canucks were trounced 7-2, which apparently means Chicago gets to keep playing us. Game 5 is scheduled for tonight at 7pm in Van and I'd like to take this opportunity to maliciously slander the Blackhawks players with several facts* I have discovered about them since we lost 7-2 and I realized I had to see their stupid faces one more time. I will be using the same research tool I used when I discovered some interesting Canucks facts in my "One Sided NHL Playoff Preview", so you know these are legit**.

*Legally I have to say these might not be true but probably are.
** There is a slight chance they are not legit but they probably are.

The Unknown Secrets About the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks:

Jonathan Toews - Team Captain, Mr. Personality
Interesting fact: Was born without the ability to smile. Any photos of him smiling are photoshopped. Any video of him smiling is done by George Lucas' special effects company Industrial Light & Magic.

Patrick Kane - Mullet having, cabbie punching douchebag

Interesting fact: Doesn't know how to swim. Constantly has to wear water wings while in the pool and be supervised by an adult.

Marian Hossa - Bandwaggoning title hunter.

Interesting fact: Doesn't pick what team he is going to play for until the Conference finals.

Duncan Keith - Parents named him Duncan

Interesting fact: During last years Cup run, he lost 7 teeth and one fiance. She left him for a guy named Jeb who had slightly more teeth.

Brent Seabrook - Defenseman who loves to play looking at his skates the whole game.

Interesting Fact: Throws like a girl. A bored girl. A bored girl who likes the Cubs.

Corey Crawford - Goaltender who nobody heard of until just now.

Interesting Fact: Only 4'8. He wears lifts in his skates so nobody will laugh at him. Often has to protect his 5 hole (between his legs) AND his 6 hole (over the top of his head)

Vince Vaughn - Yeah, you're part of this too, buddy

Interesting Fact: Hasn't slept since Jurassic Park 2 opened. Also thought "Be Cool" was going to be a good movie.

Patrick Sharp - One of Chicago's 50 most beautiful. Mike Ditka is probably also on that list though.

Interesting Fact: Has turned down numerous sponsorship deals with Reebok, Nike, Shreddies and Underarmour because he wants to keep himself free as he futily waits for Maybelline to ask him.

Superindendant Hjalmarsson - Defenceman/School Superintendant

Interesting Fact: Has never won a fight in his entire life. Was constantly brutalized by his sisters growing up. His younger sisters.

Ben Smith - Who?

Interesting Fact: In the witness protection program. Real name is Stacy Lolitavich.

Michael Frolik - Apparently someone who exists

Interesting Fact: Is actually a botched clone of NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon. They took him out of the oven before he was done, hence the fact that his head size was stopped at 48% completion.

Viktor Stalberg - ......just watch the video.

Interesting Fact - Alergic to peanuts, oranges and Kevin Bieksa's fists.

Dave Bolland - Chicago's One Man Savior

Interesting Fact: Michelle Rodriguez is his favorite actress.

John Scott - Fucking Goof.

Interesting Fact: Hasn't read the NHL Rulebook because he can't read. Not even coloring books.

Chris Campoli - The lower bottom half of the barrel

Interesting Fact: Invented black licorice. (you son of a bitch! - jB)

The Chicago Blackhawks Ice Crew - Umm.....

Interesting Fact - I love you.

That's it for this special slanderous edition of CanuckWatch 2011. Game 5 starts shortly, Blackhawks facing elimination. Now that you know some more about that team, how could you bring yourself to cheer for them? I mean, black licorice? Really? I fucking hate these guys. Also, Patrick Kane loves grenades...

Thanks for Reading

- jB