Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Blog Feud 1: j.Bowman vs. ?????

(Now that I have your attention)

November has been a productive month for "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" (if you think nonsense is productive). I've worked diligently to waste 5-10 minutes of your day and I'd like to thank you all (especially you, Denmark) for allowing me to do so. This is my 11th post this month, which is November, and it's all part of my plan to do as many posts for the number of whatever month it is (11th month, 11 posts). Basically I'm going to work my ass off in December and then reeeeaaaalllyyyy phone it in for a few months.

Anyone familiar with the blog knows that the first post of every month is the "Irrational Fear of the Month". So far, they have been "Matthew Brodericks inability to age", "The characters of Mcdonaldland", "The continued pussification of Vampires" and most recently "The Ocean". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. Should I end every month with a self written haiku?

That is so stupid (5)
Would I waste your time?.......Seven (7)
So stupid is that. (5)

Should I do a "CSNstores.com product of the month" post? No.

Should I pick a fight and start a blog feud with someone I've never met for no reason? Absolutely!

So starting with this month, I will be picking a blog on the internets (all of them) and challenging whoever writes it to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it.

Now, for the first one ever (it would be historic if any of this shit mattered in the slightest way) I was torn between picking someone who would be an easy foe to best (There is this blog on here about Cake Recipes. She's good, but I think I can take her) or going after a big fish who might not ever see the challenge so I could win by default after 30 days. Obviously I went for option B. I know of Perez Hilton (sadly) and that would be a pretty big fish but I recently came across a blog that is not only a big fish but could fulfill something ridiculous I wanted to do when I was a kid. Well I'm bigger now, and I think I have what it takes to blog him into submission. The person who writes this blog is named James Hellwig. At least that WAS his name until he legally changed it in 1993. For the inaugural blog off, I formally challenge 80s/90s pro-wrestling superstar The Ultimate Warrior.

(If accepted, I will also be wearing face paint)

In 1993 James Hellwig legally changed his name to "Warrior" and that is what he is known as now. Seriously. This is a thing that happened. In case you don't know anything about him, here is a brief background: He wrestled for some years and enthralled a large number of people, including a young j.Bowman. I was like 6 at the time so keep in mind this was before "Power Rangers" came out and rocked my shit. He famously defeated Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI (1990) in Toronto for the WWF Championship. After retiring from pro wrestling Warrior became a motivational speaker for a bit then started his blog. That is actually pretty commendable. I would normally include a link or something to a youtube video of him doing a motivational speech, but in order to understand who I'm challengeing if you have never heard of him, this video works better and is more motivational than watching "Rudy" 5 times:

What I'm up against.

Holy shit, right?! That was an interesting 3 minutes. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty fucking motivated right now. Congrats to those of you who made it through the mind of The Ultimate Warrior. Any video that features the quote "should I lay on the lawn and have them run over me with lawnmowers?" is an instant classic. Let's look at a comparison of the two combatants in this potential Blog Off:

The Ultimate Warrior
Height: 6'2
Weight: 275 lbs
From: "Parts Unknown" (that's what it says, look it up)
Favorite cereal: "Cereal Unknown"
Stance on face painting: Pro-face painting
Finishing move: A bunch of clothelines or something.
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: "Plan Unkown"
Championships Won: WWF Champion(1) WWF Intercontinental Champion(2) County Fair Face Painting Champion (17)
Education: "Degree Unknown"
Website quote: "You want to know more about the Man behind the facepaint?"
Website has a "fine art gallery": Yes
Loves his mum: I'm pretty sure he does. I'd like to think so.
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants: Yes.

(Pictured: A thing that happened)


"The Sleepless Knight" j.Bowman
Height: 6'2 (and 8/16ths)
Weight: 217 lbs
From: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Favorite cereal: "Cinnamon Toast Charms" (Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms in the same bowl)
Stance on face painting: Anti-face painting (but I'll do it if he accepts)
Finishing move: Punching you in the knee and then running away
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: Yes.
Championships Won: Mrs. Larsen's 3rd grade Spelling Invitational(1), Fastest Kid at Pale Camp(3), Winner - Boston Pizza Canucks hat raffle draw(1), Rogers Video Employee of the Quarter(2), Surrey Little Theatre Best Supporting Actor(1), Participation Ribbon: Cindrich Elementary School Sports Day(4)
Education: I played a lot of hacky sack.
Website quote: "Steve Holt!"
Website has a "fine art gallery": No. I got a list of songs I like though.
Loves his mum: Fuck yeah (that could've been a sweet moment, I ruined the shit out of it)
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants:....Not yet.

Don't let the jokes above fool you, I'm dead serious about this challenge (you can tell, because I typed that in red). Now he had a lot of controversy around him pertaining to some homophobic or racially insensitive comments he may or may not have made, but that isn't what this is about. He is a very right wing political conservative, but that isn't what this is about either (to be perfectly honest I don't know what a conservative is. Are they the elephants?). This is about a young boy who dreamed of going toe to toe with The Ultimate Warrior. I will even promote your blog in the name of good sportmanship. It's called "Warrior's Machete", and it is a thing that exists. So there you have it, U-W (you-dub), you got 30 days to accept or I will win by forfeit. If you are interested, you know where to find me. (Also, if you feel it will add intensity to have our blog off in a Steel Cage, we're gonna have to use yours. Mine doesn't exist)

*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face)

You have been formally challenged. What say you, Ultimate Warrior?

Thanks for reading.


If that Ultimate Warrior promo frightened you, click "Like" on the blogs Facebook Page. That video is nowhere near that page. You'll be safe there.

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