Peninsula of Misfit Toys pt.1: The 1980s

It says "Peninsula", get your minds out of the gutter. "Island of Misfit Toys" is copyrighted and I don't want a lawsuit for Christmas so I changed the well known phrase with "Peninsula" which is no way should be confused with that other word (the anatomy one). They are two drastically different things, okay? A peninsula is a landmass surrounded by water but still connected to the land and has absolutely nothing in common with--

 (....)

Well, fuck. I'm not changing the title, cause it's all the way up there ^ so I'm just gonna leave it as is and hopefully we can all act like adults and move on.

So nobody point out how much this thing looks like a dink, okay?

What the hell happened to you, Christmas toys? You used to be cool. You used to be guns that turned into robots...who had guns (inside those guns? more guns). Like Megatron down there. If he was underneath your tree on Christmas morning, it is for one reason: He wanted to be there. Your parents Santa had no say in the matter. He was a badass toy and he ran shit. That's how he handled his business.

 (If you pull the trigger while he is in gun mode....does he like it?)

I was at the store the other day buying a chicken (all my best stories start out that same way) and I saw a Christmas toy that is for some reason super popular this year. The size of the display for this thing was staggering and it took a lot of time out of my chicken shopping trying to piece together exactly what the hell they were. Just to be sure, I did exhaustive research when I got home (20 minutes of wikipedia followed by watching "Speed" on bluray. So good) Before I get to letting you know what this toy was, I figured I would take a look back and try and find out when they got shitty. Oh, and if you're wondering how Speed turned out, it turned out great for....almost everyone. (spoiler alert, although if you haven't seen Speed we need to hang out)



(YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now I can't speak for the 70s gifts or anything earlier, because I hadn't decided to exist yet (even so I was on the fence about it in the mid 80s but my mum and...well, gravity, decided it would be best for me to be a thing). In hindsight, that worked out pretty good for me. Existing is awesome. I get to hang out with monpeeps, watch movies, play hockey and eat cinnamon buns. You can't put a price on that. Apparently Cinzeo disagrees with me, but my letter writing campaign for free Cinnamon Buns should yield positive results.

(Capitalist bastards)

If it's alright with you I'm going to make some "uneducated guesses" as to what the top 3 gifts were for the 50s 60s and 70s.

50's:

1. A box of cigars

2. Canadian rye whiskey

3. A smack in the mouth if you got out of line

60's:

1. Peace

2. Love

3......"we forgot"

70's:

1. Bell bottom jeans

2. Cocaine

3. Bay City Rollers records

Okay, so we've established a Christory for pre-80s gifts. By the way, I regret trying to combine the words "Christmas" and "History" and then subjecting you all to my magnificient failure that just happened. I promise I will never use that word again. Don't let the fact that I opened with a dick joke fool you, I hold the entire staff here at "j.B.C.S." to incredibly high standards of taste and decency.

The 80's and 90's were the shit. Lets take a look at the 80s by year

1980 - Rubiks cube. Helped me learn such valuable motor skills such as...how to peel off stickers and put them back on by color, in order to impress my parents.

(They set me up for success from the beginning, though)

1981 - Lego Train. Holy shit, what? A functioning toy train made out of Lego? Man, I built a Lego castle once and cut tons of corners because I don't believe in instruction manuals (check my entertainment unit for confirmation of this). I cut corners on the castle and at worst comprimised some perimeter defenses. You cheat at Lego train, Lego people will die. And that block blood will be on your hands.

(There were many results for "lego massacre", how could I not use this one?!)

1982 - BMX Bikes - Until youtube, I have difficulting seeing the relevance of these in my life. Now though, if I ever need to see a douchebag (or 60) take a tumble, I have 1982 to thank.

1983 - My Little Pony. Fuck yeah! "This shit was rules" One of the more bad ass of the 80s xmas toys, MLP dominated Christmas. Fizzy and Galaxy were the leaders. They went to war with another toy that xmas and soundly defeated it in sales and awesomeness. Sorry He-Man, you just lost to a bunch of horses who kinda look like strippers.

(pictured: "Hores")

1984 - Care Bears. And the hits just keep on coming! Although Trivial Pursuit was the top selling board game this year (and the cause of many domestic disputes) 1984 belonged to the Care Bears (only the cause of a few domestic disputes). Ironically I couldn't care less about most of them (see what I did there? Me idiot). As far as I'm concerned the rest of the Care Bears can go fuck themselves, there was one who stood head and shoulders above the rest.

(Grumpy Bear: "Straight up not givin' a fuck" since 1984)

1985 - Transformers. For years I carried on thinking that they were robots in plain sight. Oh, how wrong I turned out to be. Turns out, they are robots IN DISGUISE. Which makes a lot more sense then what I thought. Although they've had a rough go of it in terms of decent live action movies they were the shit as cartoons and toys. My one sentence review for the first live action movie: "They certainly did transform, and nobody can take that away from them", and for the second: "Uhh...what?"

(No matter what form this is in, if a girl sees it you are not getting laid)

1986 - Panini Football Stickers. Seperately, I like all these things. But by "football" they mean soccer and by "stickers" it seems they mean trading cards and by "Panini" they do not seem to mean delicious oven grilled sandwiches, so I'm not really a fan of this one. So I'm gonna give this spot to He-Man because I feel a little bit of pity for him when I think about how much more awesome MLP was. HOLY SHIT! I didn't know these existed but they surely represent balance and harmony. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the HE-MAN and SKELETOR MY....LITTLE....MUTHAFUCKIN' PONIES!

(Holy....)

(...shit!)

1987 - "Rubik's Magic" was the hot ticket this year. It was a follow up to the Rubik's Cube, which left us all with tons of unanswered questions like...why would anyone play with this? Rubik's Magic seems overly elaborate, needlessly complicated and in no way fun. It is the "Pirates of the Carribbean Sequels" of Christmas toys.

(I'm guessing none of this shit makes any sense and takes 4 hours of your life)

Did I just reference "Pirates of the Carribbean"? GUESS WHAT I FOUND!

(I wonder how whoever made this washes their hands with all that "time" that's on them?)

1988 - Ghostbusters. Who you gonna call? j.B.C.S. hall of famer Ernie Hudson (Winston Zeddemore), that's who! No matter what the situation, he should be the one you contact immediately. If Spengler picks up the phone, you tell him to fuck off and put Winston on. And if anyone every disrespects his contribution and simply refers to him as "the black Ghostbuster", have your fist "cross the streams" to hit them in the face.

(In this scene, a bunch of ghosts are about to get fucked up...badly)

1989 - Well look who had the top selling Christmas items in 1989. Take a bow, gorgeous!

(nothing babes like more than a car with rocket launchers, right?)

In the summer of '89 two things happened. "Batman" descended onto theatre screens (that's right, descended!) and Bryan Adams refused to re-write "Summer of '69" to commemorate such an event. There was Batman shit EVERYWHERE. Not even the breakfast table was free of his crusade on crime.

(Tastes like justice!)

There was no product that wouldn't embrace the Batsignal that year. And I mean that. Everyone was getting in on the fun. In fact, I think I'm going to answer a question of yours before you even ask it. The answer to the question is: "Oh yes he did".

 (Still drives the car, though)

My Little Pony - Batman. Altogether now "Oh no he didn't" and I feel that I should say it again, for the people in the cheap seats: Oh yes he did. Greatest...find....ever.

So that wraps up Part 1 of 3 in the "Peninsula of Misfit Toys" series. Next up I will be making stupid comments about some of the more popular xmas toys of the 1990's, so if you are dissappointed to not see "Tickle Me Elmo" on the list (or as it should be called, "babies first sexual harassment suit") worry not, I will get to it eventually before the 25th. It is a busy month at j.Bowman Can't Sleep, but it's not like there is stuff I have to do from Midnight - 7 am.

In closing I want to say thanks to all you fine people who read and commented on my last post: "My 6 Point Plan to Sit at The Adult Table". It has absolutely destroyed my other posts in terms of views ("7 Days of Bullshit Horroscopes" took it really hard and won't stop crying) and I really appreciate all the feedback and "likes" and forwarding people have done. I will gladly read any of your blogs in the future and show you the same support. With this new one, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" turns 40 posts old. It was a bit of a dick as a kid, then after some awkward teen years it found some purpose and a groove in it's 20-30s, I look forward to the blogs forthcoming "mid-life crisis". Most future posts will be about sports cars, broken dreams and how much I like blogs that are only 20 posts old (ain't nothing but a number, people!).

As a special treat and an extra thanks to everyone, I've searched for and found some more insane My Little Ponies. Enjoy:

(NOTE: I originally was only gonna put like 4 of 'em but I just kept finding more and more awesome mods and I want them all to get a showcase. I think you'll all agree these are awesome. Well, one of them I hate, but I appreciate the detail)

Like all great things, this should end with Mr. T.

Thanks for reading

-jB

Head over to the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook Page and if you feel so inclined, give 'er a "like". Please help me in my battle to show my mom I'm not wasting my life. You could make a difference. Yes, you!

My 6 Point Plan To Sit At The Grown-up Table.

(This is the year, I can feel it)

Every year I gather with my family for a traditional Christmas Eve dinner. My family rules so I enjoy participating even though I'm not a big "christmas guy". I get to enjoy good eats, drink some E.Nog (that's what we call egg nog on the streets) and enjoy the musical stylings of the Rat Pack (I believe on the streets they are called N.W.A. although that might be a different group). The food is always top notch, especially my favorite, mashed potatoes, but there is one thing about that dinner that does not sit right with me. Wow, I phrased that pretty well because I'm referring to the seating arrangement. I've been going to this dinner for 20-something years and I have never gotten the chance to sit at the adult table. This is a problem.

I think I can bring a lot to the adult table. I have paid my dues and I should get a shot. I was a star at the kids table for years, climbing the ranks until I was the....tallest person there. You know you've been there for too long when your knees no longer fit under the little foldout table and you have to eat your dinner with your legs at an angle. After 2 years of slanted eating I thought for sure I'd get called up to "the show". I'm happy to announce that I did not have to spend a 3rd year being over 6 feet tall and sitting at the kids table. It wasn't because of my kids table performances through the years (I fuckin' ran that shit!) it was primarily because...there were a lot more kids now. All of a sudden, I had many cousins and if they got a shot at the big table before me I woulda lost it. It was my time, whether due to overcrowding or not, it was my time.

Nope.

I didn't receive my chance in the majors. You're probably asking yourselves: "Is Winter Wonderland the best Christmas Carol?" and also "j.Bowman, if you didn't sit at the kids or adult tables, what happened to you?". To answer your first question: Hell yes! And to answer your second question, allow me to use a visual aid.

 (This will make sense in a moment. Sadly.)

If our Christmas Eve Dinner seating arangements were like a map of the world, I would be Australia. 

I literally sit about 6 ft from both tables with my own personal wooden tray table.

 (Slightly better than eating over the sink in the kitchen)

I wish I was making that shit up, but Christmas is not a time for wishing. There is the big table, the kids table and then my sad bastard tray table near the door where the shoes get kicked off. If I need someone to pass the salt, I have to catch it. It gets pretty damn lonely over there. After putting in my time and paying my dues with my diagonal sitting and patience, my chance has not come and I wish the following was not a fact: I'm 6'3 and 25 years old and I've never sat at the grownup table. If I can dunk a basketball, I should be allowed at the big table. Even if I can't dunk a basketball, which I can't, I should still get to sit there. There are many contributing factors to this I'm sure, but even though I suspect my brother, j.Revolver Bowman (jRB) has been holding me back for years, I will no longer be denied. I know some of the people that are going to be at this dinner read j.Bowman Can't Sleep. I want you all to know that I am bringing serious game this year and I will not remain exiled on "Christmas Dinner Island" any longer. I have drafted up a 6 Point Plan (which is a hexagon I believe) that will land me a seat at the big time.

1. Go Viral
    - Check.

2. The Great Red/Green/White Hype

I plan on creating some serious buzz and hype about my appearance at Christmas Eve dinner this year. In the weeks leading up to the big day, I will be getting my inception on and planting some ideas in some heads. This can be done very simply by asking a strange question to each relative in the weeks leading up to the event. Such as:

How much is a 1 way plane ticket to Kenya?

Was KC & The Sunshine Band the most dominant band of the 70s?

Can you deep fry skittles?

Is it possible to move without making a sound?

Hopefully after planting those seeds, my relatives will share those strange questions with each other and come to 2 conclusions:
1. I'm planning on attending a Overweight Ninja Disco Safari
2. That would be a sweet band name.

 

(this was on page 1 of google image search for "Overweight Ninja Disco Safari"....I don't think I want to go on one now)

So that is sure to generate some buzz. Would you not want to talk to someone who is going or has been on an overweight ninja disco safari? Another way to generate some buzz before the big dinner is big relationship news. This is difficult for me though, because as I pointed out in THIS POST, I don't have even small relationship news. j.RB got engaged recently (which is awesome), so his pre-dinner hype is off the charts. My sister, also a j.Bowman (but in pink) got married back in May so she has some Christmas hype as well. So in order to step my game up, I've got to get engaged to twins in the next few weeks. Shouldn't be too difficult. I think the only reason I haven't done it so far is because I haven't been trying.

"All I want for Christmas is you....and your sister".

3. Make an entrance

If the 2010 Miami Heat have taught me anything, it's that the most important thing in life is a flashy, overly complicated entrance. They have taught me so much more, but that one in particular is what I wish to focus on now. I plan on being late to Christmas Eve dinner, but still arrive before the actual seating gets determined. I plan on having an inside man, perhaps my brother in law (he rules btw) in place before I get there. Just when someone asks "Where is j.Bowman gonna sit?" he will turn off the lights, turn on smoke machine that has cleverly been disguised as a present, pick up a large 80s boom box and hit the music. If I can't find an old school boom box I will improvise.

(Not my brother in law, but a resourceful man nonetheless)

So the music starts and for a moment everyong is in total darkness as the opening notes of "Thriller" blare through the boom box. The door swings open to reveal j.Bowman holding two sparklers and pre-wearing one of those colored christmas paper crowns (It will be a purple one, cause purple rules). The lights come up and I continue my meticulously choreographed dance routine for the remaining 4:26 of the song. When this is finished, I'm either going to get a raucous round of applause and earn myself an adult table seat for life, or my relatives will just stare at me wondering what went wrong over the last 25 years. If that happens I'll just pull out a delicious pie that I will bring as a backup. If an overly elaborate entrance won't put me in peoples good graces, pie will. People love pie.

4. Dress for Success

If there is one thing everyone at the adult table has in common it's that they aren't wearing Vancouver Canucks jerseys. It took me several years to realize this, but apparently rocking a throwback Kirk McLean jersey is not classy enough for Christmas Eve dinner.

(It fucking should be!)

I've experimented with different sweater combinations over the last few years, but sweaters just ain't getting it done for me (not even turtlenecks). I've even gone against my personal mantra of "No tie, no tuck" and tried a shirt (tucked in) and tie as well but have still had no success (everything I heard about ties being classy was a damn lie!). And let's not forget "The Great Vest Experiment of '06". Thought for sure the vest would be the answer. Turns out the only thing a vest is the answer for is the question "What makes me look like a waiter?". So after years and years of trying out different things, I think I found the perfect thing to wear. It's got a perfect balance of class, pinache and meat. Nothing would cement my place at the adult table better than the "BACON TUXEDO"!

(Pictured: fictional formalwear)

You know what? No! That picture is not good enough. You people deserve better. And so does this dude. He is a god damn pioneer. Of course he's got geisha bitches just fawning all over him. Look at this grilled playa:

(It only comes in 1 size: Awesome)

5. Take it easy on the Shrimp ring

(The fastest way to my heart is through a shrimp ring, ladies)

Every year a shrimp ring gets put out before dinner and I attack it. I can't help it. Them shits is delicious. I don't care that I might ruin my appetite, and even if I did care I'd do it anyway. I love me some shrimp rings. I feel that perhaps establishing a shrimp perimeter and defending it might be negatively effecting my chances to get the coveted adult table invite. I came up with a very simple solution. I will buy a book of elementary school math questions, and if I have a shrimp, I will not allow myself another one until I solve a math problem. I chose an elementary book because as I've mentioned before I'm rubbish at Math and if I doubt I'd be able to solve anything harder. Only having 1 shrimp is not an option.

6. "Topic Thunder"

I have learned a lot over the years of trying to shatter the glass ceiling that keeps me in Christmas limbo. One thing I've realized is that my relatives don't really care about Green Lantern, or Batman, or that totally bitchin magic carpet level in the Aladdin video game for the Sega Genesis. They also don't care about hearing exactly why Jurassic Park 2 & 3 are shit and how the most underrated film of the last 10 years is the Guy Pearce, Jim Caveziel 2002 revenge epic "The Count of Monte Cristo" (GO WATCH IT!) Seriously. Go watch it. I'll wait here...............

.....

I know, right?! So good. Anyways, I don't exactly bring the goods when it comes to topical conversation. By reading the blog you have a pretty clear idea of what it is like to have a conversation with me. You're left confused, slightly irritated and with a better understanding of nothing that matters. This year, though, I'm preparing some conversation topics that will be sure to show 'em I belong at the big table. I wrote them all down on flash cards because a) I don't want to forget and fall back into my bullshit-speak 2) I think it'll be cool to pretend like I'm a host on a really lame game show....who also wears a bacon tuxedo....FUCK! I can't write those words without wanting to see another picture of it. But I don't wanna scroll up cause I'm lazy and it's all the way up there. So I'll just put another picture here:

(It actually comes in two sizes: Awesome and Adorable)

Back on point now (after a "Bacon Tuxedo Interlude"....also a sweet band name) I've prepared flash cards with news and opinions that apparently are a big deal. The headings are:

"Wikileaks - What is the deal with that?"

"One of the Koreas is being a real dick right now"

"Did you see the Facebook movie?"

"Taxes, eh?"

"Denmark is number 32 in the world among net exporters of crude oil"

"Did you guys hear about politics?"

"This is why I hate Belarus"

"Did you know Nestle products cause impotence in men and women?"

I think those will be some surefire conversation stimulators. All I have to do is occasionally chime in with a factoid or two (one of them might be the origin of the word "factoid") and boom! I will fully blend in when it comes to having mature conversation about worldly events. I'm also going to CRUSH the delivery of my joke in the Christmas Cracker thing (is that what they're called? With the paper crown and shitty toy and stuff. Someone please answer in the comments)

If all of the previous 6 plans do not work out and get me a seat at the adult table, I have one last resort. I don't want to play this card, but I refuse to eat my Christmas dinner in a different timezone than everyone else. My failsafe plan (of champions) is....

EMERGENCY CONTIGENCY 

PLAN 7: Act like a petulant child

When it comes time to sit down for dinner, I'm just going to use my athletic prowess and tenacity to get a seat there first. I'm a young man in the prime of his life and I can utilize my speed to beat anyone to the table. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I WILL go musical chairs if the situation requires it. And if pushed to my absolute limits, if I'm told I must go back to my sad little tray table in Australia and shout my conversational topics I was up all night preparing, there is one card left to play. I will go "tantrum". The indignity of having to eat by myself like a leper is much worse than screaming and crying and refusing to budge from the adult table. If I go, I'll take the tablecloth with me, I don't care.

(Using pots and pans?! That never occured to me. Kid's a banshee genius)

I'm fully aware that such behavior will probably result in my public privilages being taken away and I'll have to eat Christmas dinner in the kitchen over the sink, but at least I'll have my dignity.....oh shit. Well, fuck it then, I will just work my way back up the ranks with a series of 6 point plans. Cause I'm good at executing them.

Thanks for Reading.

-jB

By clicking "LIKE" on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook Page you are supporting my cause in the hopes that I get a seat at the adult table this Christmas. DON'T MAKE ME EAT IN AUSTRALIA!

This Week in Nerd Rage: C'mon NASA!

Holy shit! Yeah! According to an article published earlier this week,  A new life form has been discovered. Finally science has a discovery worth talking about. It's about time. Science was getting pretty boring. We are all still waiting on that cancer cure, so science is due to come up with something big if it hasn't figured that one out yet. As far as I'm concerned, not counting the one above, there are only two scientific discoveries I'm interested in:

1. A pill that makes me good at guitar
2. Aliens

I don't care if they are friendly or not. All I want to see is DOCUMENTARY footage of Will Smith punching an alien in the face and then sass-talking it.

(Fictional....for now)

You know what? NO! A picture just ain't gonna cut it this time. Out of respect for the 1996 action opus "Independence Day", I need to kick it up a damn notch. NO! I gotta kick it up 4 notches and get a video of "The Punch Heard 'Round The Galaxy", which was immediately followed by "the Trash Talk Heard 'Round The Cosmos". Here goes my first attempt at uploading a youtube vid directly..... HI-YA!!




Awesome. That totally steps on my Twitter updates over here---->
But the video is too damn good to be contained by the parameters of "j.Bowman Can't Sleep". Think about that, Will Smith punched that alien in the face so hard that it shattered the boundaries of my blog. I'm gonna allow it.

Now a friend of mine sent me a link to the news story and I was pretty psyched. Before I even clicked the link my mind immediately started wondering what this new creature would look like and how hard Will Smith would have to punch it to establish mankind's dominance. It varies, so I created the "Will Smith Welcome to Earth Scale of Alien Threats":

(About a 3)

(Probably an 8. It's totally gonna eat that dude)

So I clicked the link expecting to see something amazing. Science gave me....this:

(labeled in my images folder as "teal bullshit". No lie)

What the fuck science?! This is your breakthrough?! It looks like a bunch of tic tacs in toothpaste. I was pretty mad. It is not threatening in any way. This is apparently an upclose view of it, from "5 Micrometers". I have no idea how big that is, but I'm pretty sure it's substantially smaller than what I was planning to use to stop it:

 (We were gonna do beautiful things together, "overcompensation gun")

So I'm pretty upset about this already, and I haven't even started reading the article yet. Perhaps it says something about the creatures cells "multiplying at an alarming rate" or something about "potentially enslaving mankind". Science has to dress it up and make it cool somehow or else Sports is gonna keep beating up Science at the bikeracks after school. Here are some gems from this "breakthrough" article:

NASA has discovered a new life form, a bacteria called GFAJ-1 that is unlike anything currently living in planet Earth. It's capable of using arsenic to build its DNA, RNA, proteins, and cell membranes. This changes everything.

 Ok, I'm pretty sure arsenic is bad, and I have NO idea what RNA is, so this can still turn around and be awesome news. "This changes everything" you say? Well any paragraph that ends that way must have a KILLER follow up ready. BRING IT SCIENCE!:

NASA is saying that this is "life as we do not know it". The reason is that all life on Earth is made of six components: Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus and sulfur. Every being, from the smallest amoeba to the largest whale, share the same life stream. Our DNA blocks are all the same.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! Talk about the thing that you found!

....have found a bacteria whose DNA is completely alien to what we know today, working differently than the rest of the organisms in the planet. Instead of using phosphorus, the newly discovered microorganism—called GFAJ-1 and found in Mono Lake, California—uses the poisonous arsenic for its building blocks

Wait a second. Hold the goddamn phones, here. This was found....in CALIFORNIA?! C'mon! Why is NASA even looking there? You're doing it wrong! Space is up there ^. That is where the cool shit is. I kept reading, hoping at some point they would give me something to show how this is a game-changing discovery and not just a bunch of microscopic crap in California.

The implications of this discovery are enormous to our understanding of life itself and the possibility of finding organisms in other planets that don't have to be like planet Earth. Like NASA's Ed Weiler says: "The definition of life has just expanded."

Science is starting to come across like that jerkoff kid in my grade 12 english class who gave over-elaborate answers to everything. His name also started with a "J". Dude, if you're reading this, and you know who you are, I just want to take a moment and tell you something: The kite does not represent a loss of innocence. It represents...a fucking....kite. Nobody is impressed by your bullshit. You either Science, don't think cause I took a moment for myself that you're off the hook. This "news article" had one more paragraph and one more chance to redeem itself as something I should care about.

NASA's geobiologist Pamela Conrad thinks that the discovery is huge and "phenomenal," comparing it to the Star Trek episode in which the Enterprise crew finds Horta, a silicon-based alien life form that can't be detected with tricorders because it wasn't carbon-based. It's like saying that we may be looking for new life in the wrong places with the wrong methods. Indeed, NASA tweeted that this discovery "will change how we search for life elsewhere in the Universe."

Are you serious? What a bunch of horseshi- Wait- Hold on, NASA has a Twitter account? Be right back........

jBowmancouver @NASA ...c'mon! 
 (less than 5 seconds ago via web)

That was a real tweet I just sent those guys. You can't give me bacteria and then go referencing Star Trek in comparison. So this has not changed a damn thing. I'm still tired. That god-awful "Outsourced" show hasn't been cancelled yet. This is garbage! Then I find out that NASA discovered something else this week :

And that's without counting yesterday's announcement on the discovery of a massive number of red dwarf stars, which may harbor a trillion Earths, dramatically increasing our chances of finding extraterrestrial life. 

Yeah, that's in space. If you didn't have your heads buried in the ground in California maybe we'd get something going. But that is besides the point. Look, we aren't going to find shit, ok? If something is out there, they are going to find us. So we either build a big ass telescope and try and find them first, or everyone on earth has to wear reflective vests.

 (I will save you all some time, "Slutty Reflective Vests" do not generate many images on google)

So nothing about this to me seemed life changing. My life is the same only I'm slightly more upset with NASA for getting my hopes up with this "big announcement". I'm sure there are some science majors who got a huge boner over this cluster of germs but for me, I was kinda hoping for something that would at least register on the "Jeff Goldblum Welcome to Earth, Effeminate Slap Scale"

 (One of these men....fights like a bitch)

So in order for me to make this news some kind of big deal, at least a little bit, I'm going to take this opportunity to be (hopefully) the first person to hate on this headline grabbing bacteria called GFAJ-1. I wanna be the first one to start some horrible, ignorant prejudices against this new life form. For instance did you ever notice how GFAJ-1 can't read? Or how about the way GFAJ-1 never washes its hands? I even heard, from inside my own head, the GFAJ-1 and NASA are bangin'. I'm going to go so far as to invent a word that is a derogatory name for GFAJ-1 cause I wish to belittle it's importance even further (and I'm sure given the choice it would call me "Powder", which I consider an anti-pale slur). I will henceforth refer to GFAJ-1 as (sneer) "Mugby" (I had to search that on urban dictionary to make sure it wasn't something that would offend anyone else. All clear, gang).

For the record I absolutely realize how screwed I am if all of a sudden this thing's cells "multiply at an alarming rate" and GFAJ-1 becomes an actual threat to mankind. I don't care. Sure, I'd be the first to die, if those stupid illeterate Mugbies were able to read my address...and weren't so poor.

 (If someone teaches them how to read I'm fucked)

Thanks for reading

-jB

By clicking LIKE on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep facebook page you are entering into a legally binding agreement that you will not teach filthy mugbies to read. I appreciate your support, as always.

Irrational Fear of the Month: December

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all of the sleepless knights who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about Music from the 1920's

(This contraption only plays evil)

Every month here on "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" starts with me admitting an irrational fear and explaining to people who think I'm just being a big pussy why it scares me. I feel this may be one of the most irrational fears yet. However I stand behind it 100%. If you need to convince someone that something is haunted, creepy or just plain wrong, there is a secret weapon that you can utilize. There is something inheirently spooky about old phonograph style jazz music. It's pretty damn unsettling. I don't remember which movie it was, but there was a recent film that played 1920s jazz over the end credits. I've never been terrified while reading who the second unit director was...and I still haven't for two reasons.

1. I got scared and ran out of the theatre like a little girl (jump rope, pig tails, the whole deal)
2. 2nd unit director? Aside from his mother, who gives a shit?

I'm not sure what I find so fear inducing about this music, perhaps it's the always present "static" sound in the background. I would not be surprised to hear a demonic voice tell me to feed my stereo a cat in the middle of a song. I have no idea how people in the 20's didn't spend their entire days pissing themselves whenever they'd hear this music on the radio. I'm also willing to bet that they had no choice in the matter, the radio would turn itself on and off when it felt people were going too long without ruining their trousers. You know all the popular twists we have nowadays? I believe they were all written back in the 20s when the popular music at time creeped the shit out of people. Classic twists like "He's been dead for 10 years" or "The calls are coming from inside the house" or "Olivia Newton John is a whore now, so that makes everything alright". I'm 78% positive "Grease" was written in the 1920s (I don't know what a hand-jive is....all I know is that I don't want one). This music was also pretty much the official soundtrack of two dark dark times in human history: Prohibition and The Great Depression. Everything I know of Prohibition comes from "The Untouchables" and I'm not sure when the great depression happened but surely it must have been at the same time. I'd normally search online to find out exactly when it was, but it's 6:21am and the google search bar is all the way up there.......so fuck it, let's just say it happened in the 20s and move on.

So this might be the hardest Irrational Fear of the Month to explain in....ummm....words, but I've worked diligently to present it to you in a very stupid way (it doesn't take that long). So I compiled some pictures from various sources, and have created 2 montages set to very different music. The pictures I selected were primarily from google searches for things like "fun", "Carnival", "Rudy", "Friends", "Party", "Family" and I even tried "wholesome" just to get the happiest pictures to further emphasize my fear of 1920's music. It can turn even the most pure montages into something that's unholy and 7 different kinds of wrong. So here is the first one, which I also needed a song for. I chose the song that basically plays in my head whenever me and "mon peeps" are hanging out, laughing, drinking champagne and anything else that makes us look like we're in a Sears catalogue. The song of course is "Closer to Free" by The Bodeans which incidently was also the theme song for the tv shows "Party of Five" and the sci-fi action packed thrill ride that was..."M.A.N.T.I.S."

 (See that guy? Right there? He played the M.A.N.T.I.S.)

Bodeans, "Closer to Free". A familiar song to anyone who watched Party of Five or the two guys who watched the first 20 minutes of M.A.N.T.I.S. before the network cancelled it mid-episode. I'd like to think MANTIS caught the guy. Without further delay, Let's go to the videotape!

Now that was actually kinda nice. Some happy stuff in there. Zack & Kelly? My heart has been warmed. That montage, you would think, is incorruptable. That's what I thought too, and I'm the one who made both of these. Now check out the EXACT same video only all I've done is changed the music. The song is "St. James Infirmary" by a guy named Cab Calloway who is probable dead now.

(*12 seconds of research*)

Yep, he dead. So here is montage 2, and even though I've done NOTHING to change this video, keep in mind it might be haunted by a dead man. As if it wasn't creepy enough already. I didn't just have this song on my itunes, so I had to go searching for it which meant confronting my fear head on. For like 45 minutes. I had to watch 8 Mile twice afterwards just to get my courage back up to a tolerable level. If Eminem can find it within himself to square off against Papa Doc and the Free World in a rap battle, I think we all can find the courage to listen to 90 seconds of this. Turn off the lights and check out what has become of my wholesome  montage.

God....damn...terrifying.


Okay....I'm man enough to admit that I added a picture of Reba McEntire in there to emphasize the creepiness (she's got dead eyes and no soul. Look at her and tell me I'm wrong). "Anonymous" has decided to disagree with that and go to bat for Reba and her beauty down in the comments section. Now keep in mind I've never met Reba and I'm sure she is a lovely lady (and she rocked the shit in "Tremors"), however that does nothing to disuade me from my belief that she looks like a face eating succubus. I found some more pictures of her, so you can decide for yourself:

She probably is a lovely woman, but these four random Reba pictures have done little to sway my opinion that her face is trying to escape to the back of her head. Anonymous, if that is your real name, if you still feel strongly in the alternative, that's cool. Agree to disagree......but seriously just look at her.

Aside from the Reba pic in the montage, anything else you saw in that video is probably your mind playing tricks on you because the music is eery, spooky and just plain wrong.

The Shymalan picture was added by me as well, cause fuck that guy. Seriously.

Thanks for Reading

-jB

Hitting LIKE on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep facebook page immediately enters you into a raffle where I will sing you "The Song That Never Ends" for 4 days straight. It is actually a pretty annoying prize to win, but you'd still be a winner, so that's something.

Blog Feud 1: j.Bowman vs. ?????

(Now that I have your attention)

November has been a productive month for "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" (if you think nonsense is productive). I've worked diligently to waste 5-10 minutes of your day and I'd like to thank you all (especially you, Denmark) for allowing me to do so. This is my 11th post this month, which is November, and it's all part of my plan to do as many posts for the number of whatever month it is (11th month, 11 posts). Basically I'm going to work my ass off in December and then reeeeaaaalllyyyy phone it in for a few months.

Anyone familiar with the blog knows that the first post of every month is the "Irrational Fear of the Month". So far, they have been "Matthew Brodericks inability to age", "The characters of Mcdonaldland", "The continued pussification of Vampires" and most recently "The Ocean". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. Should I end every month with a self written haiku?

That is so stupid (5)

Would I waste your time?.......Seven (7)

So stupid is that. (5)

Should I do a "CSNstores.com product of the month" post? No.

Should I pick a fight and start a blog feud with someone I've never met for no reason? Absolutely!

So starting with this month, I will be picking a blog on the internets (all of them) and challenging whoever writes it to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it.

Now, for the first one ever (it would be historic if any of this shit mattered in the slightest way) I was torn between picking someone who would be an easy foe to best (There is this blog on here about Cake Recipes. She's good, but I think I can take her) or going after a big fish who might not ever see the challenge so I could win by default after 30 days. Obviously I went for option B. I know of Perez Hilton (sadly) and that would be a pretty big fish but I recently came across a blog that is not only a big fish but could fulfill something ridiculous I wanted to do when I was a kid. Well I'm bigger now, and I think I have what it takes to blog him into submission. The person who writes this blog is named James Hellwig. At least that WAS his name until he legally changed it in 1993. For the inaugural blog off, I formally challenge 80s/90s pro-wrestling superstar The Ultimate Warrior.

(If accepted, I will also be wearing face paint)

In 1993 James Hellwig legally changed his name to "Warrior" and that is what he is known as now. Seriously. This is a thing that happened. In case you don't know anything about him, here is a brief background: He wrestled for some years and enthralled a large number of people, including a young j.Bowman. I was like 6 at the time so keep in mind this was before "Power Rangers" came out and rocked my shit. He famously defeated Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI (1990) in Toronto for the WWF Championship. After retiring from pro wrestling Warrior became a motivational speaker for a bit then started his blog. That is actually pretty commendable. I would normally include a link or something to a youtube video of him doing a motivational speech, but in order to understand who I'm challengeing if you have never heard of him, this video works better and is more motivational than watching "Rudy" 5 times:

What I'm up against.

Holy shit, right?! That was an interesting 3 minutes. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling pretty fucking motivated right now. Congrats to those of you who made it through the mind of The Ultimate Warrior. Any video that features the quote "should I lay on the lawn and have them run over me with lawnmowers?" is an instant classic. Let's look at a comparison of the two combatants in this potential Blog Off:

The Ultimate Warrior

Height: 6'2
Weight: 275 lbs
From: "Parts Unknown" (that's what it says, look it up)
Favorite cereal: "Cereal Unknown"
Stance on face painting: Pro-face painting
Finishing move: A bunch of clothelines or something.
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: "Plan Unkown"
Championships Won: WWF Champion(1) WWF Intercontinental Champion(2) County Fair Face Painting Champion (17)
Education: "Degree Unknown"
Website quote: "You want to know more about the Man behind the facepaint?"
Website has a "fine art gallery": Yes
Loves his mum: I'm pretty sure he does. I'd like to think so.
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants: Yes.

(Pictured: A thing that happened)

VS.

"The Sleepless Knight" j.Bowman

Height: 6'2 (and 8/16ths)
Weight: 217 lbs
From: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Favorite cereal: "Cinnamon Toast Charms" (Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms in the same bowl)
Stance on face painting: Anti-face painting (but I'll do it if he accepts)
Finishing move: Punching you in the knee and then running away
Has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse: Yes.
Championships Won: Mrs. Larsen's 3rd grade Spelling Invitational(1), Fastest Kid at Pale Camp(3), Winner - Boston Pizza Canucks hat raffle draw(1), Rogers Video Employee of the Quarter(2), Surrey Little Theatre Best Supporting Actor(1), Participation Ribbon: Cindrich Elementary School Sports Day(4)
Education: I played a lot of hacky sack.
Website quote: "Steve Holt!"
Website has a "fine art gallery": No. I got a list of songs I like though.
Loves his mum: Fuck yeah (that could've been a sweet moment, I ruined the shit out of it)
Ever created a comic book where he beats up Santa and steals his pants:....Not yet.

Don't let the jokes above fool you, I'm dead serious about this challenge (you can tell, because I typed that in red). Now he had a lot of controversy around him pertaining to some homophobic or racially insensitive comments he may or may not have made, but that isn't what this is about. He is a very right wing political conservative, but that isn't what this is about either (to be perfectly honest I don't know what a conservative is. Are they the elephants?). This is about a young boy who dreamed of going toe to toe with The Ultimate Warrior. I will even promote your blog in the name of good sportmanship. It's called "Warrior's Machete", and it is a thing that exists. So there you have it, U-W (you-dub), you got 30 days to accept or I will win by forfeit. If you are interested, you know where to find me. (Also, if you feel it will add intensity to have our blog off in a Steel Cage, we're gonna have to use yours. Mine doesn't exist)

*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face)

You have been formally challenged. What say you, Ultimate Warrior?

Thanks for reading.

-jB

If that Ultimate Warrior promo frightened you, click "Like" on the blogs Facebook Page. That video is nowhere near that page. You'll be safe there.

B.P.S. Vol. 7 - Why I'm Single, Exibit A - F

(Now that I have your attention....)

For my latest "Bullet Point Summary" I'd like to commemorate this very special week. Apparently, this is "National Singles Week". I didn't know there was a week celebrating being single until until about 23 minutes ago. I might have known earlier if I wasn't too preoccupied with playing video games and eating pizza at 2am while nobody hassles me (I feel the need to point out all of that occurs while I'm wearing sweatpants, if I'm wearing pants at all). So realizing this I thought back to the last time I was involved with someone semi-seriously and thought about the benefits of my life now and what it would've continued to be like if I surrendered my independence (prounounced: "Awesomeness"). She still has some of my dvds....and as far as I'm concerned she can keep 'em. That's an exit fee I don't mind paying.

(43 seconds of research)

Well it seems that as long as the historic tradition of "National Singles Week" has been in existence, the internets (all of them) have been bombarded with articles celebrating the benefits of being single. And each one has exactly says exactly the same shit. "Blah blah blah new love, blah blah blah time to yourself, blah blah blah judgemental free Glee watching". Your basic list. I've decided to go in another direction. I've decided to write this article about something that I'm positive isn't overexposed: "Cats that are terrible spellers".

(6 seconds of research)

Well fuck. Okay then internets, I got something you probably don't have. I'm going introspective and doing an A-Z list of the REASONS I'm single. Now I would've done some research to see if for some reason there is already such a list about me in existence on the internets, but I wouldn't trust any of my Rogues Gallery (ex's) to get it right. If there is one thing those ladies are good at, it's not summing me up, it's having impeccable timing and foresight. How each one of them was able to break up with me IMMEDIATELY before I was totally going to break up with them, I will never understand (they were the next words out of my mouth, honest). I will only do A-F now, because if I analyze my potential faults any farther than that I'll probably spend the rest of the day in the dark listening to Johnny Cash and crying. I should prefix this by saying this is all 100% true. Here we go....

A - Apartment.

One of the people who reads "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" has called me out in the past about my apartment and it's decor several times, saying that it's not lady friendly. Sure it is, just so long as it's the right lady. My apartment is a nerd lair....featuring sports. And I love every inch of it. These items currently appear prominently in the "Bowmstead" (btw, the fact that I call it that, or that I call my bedroom "The Bowdoir" I don't consider reasons why I'm single. Those are clearly reasons why I'm an idiot)

- Over 800 dvds
- Over 90 tv dvds
- 5 framed movie posters (Kill Bill, Batman Begins, Spider-Man 2, Hot Fuzz, Steal)
- A replica of the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Beaded curtain I've had since I first moved out 6 years ago.
- Iron Man bobblehead
- A motivational poster of "The Punisher" about "Commitment"
- A mini replica of Kirk McLean's goalie mask from the Canucks '94 cup run.
- A shrine dedicated to the Pittsburgh Steelers NFL team
- A Batman & a Two-Face pez dispensers
- A spare bedroom that literally has an air matress and my smelly hockey equipment in it.
- 17 jerseys that adorn the walls of my bedroom all the way around
- A book shelf full of Green Lantern & Batman graphic novels. The only legitimate book I have on my bookshelf is a novelization of the Jean Claude Van Damme masterpiece "Hard Target". Just in case you think I'm making that up:

(The book was SOOOOO much better than the movie)

B- Batman.

Me and Batman have a history. I have been a fan of the character since I was 7, and I once even had a Batman themed surprise birthday party thrown for me. There was a Batman cake, I had my own utility belt, I was giving a mask and cape to wear, all my friends were wearing homemade Batman masks, there was a bat-signal shining on my ceiling and Batman sound effects signs (BIFF, PAM, KAPOW) were hung up on the walls. Sounds like an awesome 7th birthday party, right?

(I was 23)

At this point I will point out that the "utility belt" I had been given was full of beer & tequila and I got right shittered that night (special thanks to A. Konechny for making it all happen). I woke up the next morning with my mask still on, but noticeably absent? My pants. However I was not nearly as hungover then as I was back in 2008 when I was in Las Vegas and I got to sit on the Bat-pod from "The Dark Knight".

 (I was ridiculously close to throwing up all over the thing)

One thing I have in my apartment that I didn't mention before? Quite possibly the best thing I own, my Batman converse kicks. Take a bow, boys!

(I will wear these at my every wedding)

So yeah, my love for Batman goes back quite a ways. I did love a girl before that though,when I was 6. I knew I loved her when I realized she was the only girl who wasn't a poopy face. Apparently I'm not the only person that ever thought that about her cause she's married now. I hope they get divorced....and then he turns to a life of crime and I have to stop him and be "not the hero she deserves...but the hero she needs". (I would like to have another girlfriend at some point so I'm gonna move on from this topic)

C - Cereal.

I love me some cereal. It is one of my favorite things to eat. Not really being in a mood for breakfast after my 3-4 hours of sleep, I don't get to eat it at socially acceptable times. Well fuck that. I am a grown man (if you disregard entry B on this list) and I will have it whenever I want. If a girl were to surprise me with a candlelit cereal dinner, that would be 3 things.

1. Incredible
2. Highly unlikely
3. Extremely difficult in terms of timing. There is that window of maybe 90 seconds where the cereal is not too crunchy, or not too soggy. In those moments I wish that time stood still.

D - Dancing.

While you may think enjoying dancing would be a reason why I wouldn't be single, I should clarify. I enjoy dancing more than any straight man should. If I get good news and nobody else is around, the FIRST thing I do is build a "boogie foundation" upon which I add layer after layer of funky moves. Now while I'm out in public, I'm not that big on dancing at clubs and stuff because someone seems to have made a grave spelling error when describing how to dance to our generation. It should say "Get Funky" not "Get Fucky". I do get down occasionally but I find a large portion of that music to be bloody terrible. However, I have 5 songs, that if they played no matter what was happening at the time, would cause me to dance. They are collectively known as "My Muthafucking Jams" or "MMJ" for short. In all manner of truth, I have left a flirtatious conversation with a girl to hit the DF (Dance Floor....god I'm ridiculous) as soon as one of my sonic bat signals gets played. I don't just WANT to go dance, that's childish. I NEED to go dance. So much so that I often (always) disregard the girl instead of inviting her. Another reason why this is a cause of my singledom (as if the case wasn't strong enough already) is that the following two things have happened in the last month:

1. I started a tradition of having a 5 minute solo dance party everyday when I get home from work

2. I was caught dancing down my hallway in my apartment building. It would have been pretty embarassing if I didn't have such sick moves.

E - Education

I may joke about it on the blog often, but I should clarify that I'm not stupid. I'm an idiot. There is a difference. As you can probably tell from being able to read j.Bowman Can't Sleep, me and the english language get along pretty well. I'm a capable writer but at times not the best speller. There is a difference. And there are often times when I'm caught up in a conversation with several people where the topic at hand is something that requires a certain amount of expertise to have an informed opinion on. I'm not educated. I'm smart. There is a difference.

If it doesn't matter, I know way too much about it. I often catch a lot of flack from my male and female friends (the educated ones anyway) about things that I don't know that they think I should. I didn't know anything about Stalin or that Mussolini was "a bad guy". I know absolutely nothing about Canadian politics (All I know is that elections should be decided in a hockey shootout). And until recently (around the time District 9 came out) I didn't know what apartheid was. Having found out, I just want all of you to know that I'm against it. Mussoluni too. How did I get through school without learning any of this? A strong combination of charisma and bribery.

But if you were to ask me how the jingle went for the "Big Red" chewing gum commercial in the early 90's? That I know (and I know that if you chew gum while chopping onions it keeps you from crying). Need someone who knows WAY too much about 90s teen sitcom "Saved by the Bell"? I'm your guy. I know that before the continents were seperated they were 1 landmass known as "Pangea". If you were to ask me the name of the evil coach in the first Mighty Ducks movie? That I know too. Both the actor (Lane Smith, deceased) and the character (Jack "dickbag" Reilly). The credits didn't list that as his middle name, but the original draft of the script did. Do I know how to calculate tax properly? No, but I do know that money is not made out of paper, but linen. And in closing I should point out that I know very little about World War I aside from what I pieced together from the band Franz Ferdinand and "Call of Duty" video games

Throughout my school career there were classes I was good at (drama, gym) and classes I wasn't (everything else). I was not the best student in the world. I probably would barely crack the top 500, but a lot of that was a desire to know about things. I had trouble seeing the relevence in a lot of the things I was learning, so I had an even greater difficulty giving a shit. To quote Owen Wilson in Zoolander, (which no overly educated person would ever do)

"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree".

I don't care what bark is made out of, but there are things I'd rather know about than how to do long division. That isn't a joke, I never learned long division. I was at an unfair advantage because I wasn't good with numbers, never have been. However I believe that if I'm at a disadvantage, I should look deep within myself to find a skill that I could bring to the table to even the playing field. So while I wasn't good at math, it turns out I was incredibly skilled in cheating at math. So I just played to my strengths. And I've never once encountered a moment where I needed to know long division. If that moment were to arise, I would probably just run away. I was good at gym after all. Play to your strengths.

F - "Friends"

I like to see them. I do not feel inclined to stop seeing them for any reason except zombie apocalypse. Then most of those fuckers are on their own (except for the Costco 4. You know who you are. Be ready. We're gonna run that shit). In my life, there will always be 1 foot in relationshiptown and 1 foot in bro-ville. Simple as that. Now I have some friends who are able to strike a balance between time with their other and time with their friends, but everyone knows somebody who is exactly the opposite. For whatever reason, whenever they enter into a new relationship, it's like they never existed. "Biggy Steve" should be a dude who calls you at 4 am and wants to go joyriding in a stolen go cart and have a sword fight on a beach. And not necessarily in that order. "Biggy Steve" should not become a faint memory of a man who once pee'd on a cop car. "Mon peeps" (that's "my peeps" for my french canadian homies) mean just as much to me if not more than any relationship ever could. And my unwavering belief in that will not dwindle with age. I've seen this scenario, which I will call "Indefriendence", happen to both sexes. Some guys stop hanging with their bros and some girls stop hanging with their...female friends (thought I was gonna say something else, eh?). But I don't mind being single as long as the following stays true: j.Bowman Can't Do It. 

Unless she is super hot. In that event nothing is certain.

Well that about wraps it up for A-F. More to follow, just need to find a reason I'm single with for each letter of the alphabet. Which takes time.

So I'll probably be finished tomorrow.

Thanks for Reading.

-jB

Clicking "Like" on j.Bowman Can't Sleep's Facebook page is exactly like a one night stand. In a year we will both forget it ever happened unless someone gets pregnant. Hit "like", take your chances, and I will totally call you tomorrow.

Life's Little Battles: "The Nescalation"

(j.Bowman looking unimpressed...and sorta drunk)

That picture represents how I feel about Nestle at the moment perfectly: moments away from either fightin' something or throwing up.

It is a particularly sleepless night tonight. I have reached that point where I have to get up in a few hours for a noon appointment, but if I do fall asleep I'll just have to wake up in three hours anyway. So I've come to that well known conclusion that I will just ride the lightning and stay up and get some rack-time tomorrow afternoon (Unless "Divorce Court" is on. Cannot sleep during that shit. It's riveting). Figured since I'm up anyway I will update anyone who cares about my escalating fued with the Nestle chocolate company (anyone who cares in this case being me and the 8 people who have taken up the cause). In case you are new to "j.Bowman Can't Sleep", here is a refresher of the opening salvo of this war:

 I fire my shot

They fire theirs 

So where does that leave us? Well that leaves me still without retribution and them sitting on a mountain of chocolate, hatching evil schemes....that probably involve the taunting or general mistreatment of orphans (NOTE: In no way am I implying that Nestle has a vendetta against me AND orphans. I don't imply, I insinuate). So I weighed the pros and cons of continuing my crusade and sending them another email. Here are the list of Pros & Cons for your perusal:

PROS (send an email back)

I might get their coupon faster than 4-6 weeks.

I might get a legitimate apology from them.

Che Guevara would do it

It might properly convey the message to them that I am not a punk bitch.

I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror.

CONS (don't send email, live my life like a bitch)

Might ruin my chances to win anything at the "Standing up for what you believe in" awards.

I will be mocked by the mailman daily for asking if my coupon has come yet.

No amount of scrubbing would be able to wash off the "cowardice"

I wouldn't have anything to write about until that letter came.

It was a minor inconvenience that I'm blowing way out of proportion.

It would cut into my "Call of Duty: Black Ops" playing time.

Now someone recently suggested to me an elaborate plan where I get hired by Nestle, climb the corporate ladder, get several promotions over the next decade and then take them down from within. Now, as much as I love overly elaborate plans, this particular one requires me to wear a tie, so fuck that. Instead I opted for diplomacy (as I feel I have done through this entire ordeal) and I sent them a RIDICULOUSLY polite email. Which was hard to do. The one I sent was the only draft that didn't start out with "Hey Fuckers". Here is that email:

Hello there, (I still think "Hey Fuckers" was a solid opening)

Thank you for responding to my customer comment. I wrestled with whether or not to say anything but i figured someone should know there was a problem. I looked on the internet and saw that i am not the only one this has ever happened to, which unfortunate as that may be, its nice to know others have at some point were in the same boat. I also noticed something else however.

I was wondering if i was needed to send my wrapper in to nestle canada as proof of purchase? 4-6 weeks seems like an awful long time to wait for a coupon in the mail. Would it expediate the process if i sent in my proof of purchase?

Thank you again for your response, i really appreciate it.

J******* Bowman

What a friggin' gentlemen. On my best behaviour there. Just in case you were wondering I don't actually sign my emails with  "J*******", just don't feel like ever mentioning my full first name on here. It's not a big secret or anything but there is a reason I chose "j.Bowman" that very few people know. If you already know my name, congrats, you know me slightly better than people who just read the blog. Speaking of the blog, the story continues:

Now if you worked for Nestle and you saw that email, how would you respond? If you answered "I'd probably send back a passive aggressive response and then scream at a puppy", you might just have a future with that company. Here is the response I got to that gem of politeness up there:

"Thank you J*****"

AND THAT WAS IT! Man, even typing it out made me mad. I think this is an example of their auto-correct changing things before they get sent out. The original was a lot more direct before auto-correct fixed it. What they probably meant to say was:

"Fuck you J*****"

Regardless, that's how I interpreted it. So yeah, I don't even know what they expect me to do with that. Why even send that email out? I'd rather them just send me a picture of a middle finger in the mail. At least I can respect their creativity. But this? This is just three words! I can be a force for good. I WANT to eat Kit Kats and Coffee Crisp again but I also wanna be able to look my future kids in the eye and tell them that "Daddy never took shit from chocolate companies". (My father said it to me, and it changed our relationship. The amount of respect I had for him went up exponentially. Then we went out back and had a catch. It was exactly like "Field of Dreams", only with more cursing).

Now, CSNstores.com knows where it's at. After I shamelessly pimped out their site on the blog (selling out > Integrity) their site got 13 more hits the day I posted it (I actually have no idea. I just took my payment and never asked questions). Sure it's not a huge impact, but I can make a difference. I had planned on doing a whole post about how I was duped with a Kit Kat, but I told Nestle about it and they rectified their mistake and I love them even more now. Nestle, you are making it extremely difficult for me to write that post or feel those feelings. But.... I've got a plan. You like to send me 3 word responses, eh? Well I hope someone in your PR department has ALOT of time on their hands and finds this blog post, because I want you to know the 3 words I've got for you..........

This aint over.

Thanks for reading

-jB


Your parents or other authority figures you wanna rebel against would NEVER hit the "like" button on the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook page. Click like and stand up to them