Sunday, April 9, 2017

That Time I Learned A Lesson About Self Haircutting.

In the interest of brevity (I know we all got shit to do), I will open this up and put the lesson I learned about self haircutting right out front for you.

Don't do it. Just... don't do it.

(Duh Naa Na-Na. Duh Naa Na-Na Na Na)

In the interest of fleshing that out a bit if any of Monpeeps are up for a read, I will elaborate for you.

It was Christmas 2016, and I requested and received a Conair Lithium Ion Home Hair Trimmer. Why did I ask for it? Well aside from that fact that if you slap "Lithium Ion" on anything I will want to buy it...

Bought 'em. Don't even have a dog

The real reason I wanted this is because if you are a frugal dude with short, simple hair (and simpler tastes), going to get a haircut is bullshit. I go to Great Clips, and although they are plenty nice there, I don't feel like I'm the recipient of a great haircut.

Also, although the sign suggests it, I'm not really able to relax when someone is using sharp objects on my head

They do fine work there. I'm not slagging them off or anything. But shit takes 8 minutes, and costs me $20. If they threw in a sucker or a can of Dr. Pepper or something, I'd be a lot less agitated about that.

I know a lot of people have more complicated hair, care more about it than I do and pay WAAAAY more than $20, but this is my beef. I cooked it and I'm gonna eat it. I'm not trying to do anything fancy with my hair, you get me? I'm not a DJ.

Pictured: A box of fucking lies

So I got this thing for Christmas, but haven't really trusted it enough to use it. Hair cuts are slippery slopes. You can take more off, but you can't put more back on.

I always say that when getting my hair cut, and I'm pretty sure the people at Great Clips make mention of that in their computer database right next to how I usually have my hair cut.

"Length #2 on the sides and back, finger length on top. Says that fucking thing about not being able to put more back on every....single...time."

So I recently got back from 7 days in Las Vegas, which felt like 3 weeks, and I had to get a haircut on my one day off before going back to work. I was busy, tired and the nearby Great Clips was all the way over there....

(*points to an actually not that far away Great Clips*) I decided to just say "Fuck it. I'll do it myself with that thing".

Just so you know, if you are ever in the same boat I was in, THIS is the moment where you stop, think about what could go wrong, and just go and let someone who moderately knows what they are doing cut your hair. Even if only for that fact that they can see all of your head without awkwardly holding and maneuvering a mirror, these people are who you need.

Plus, they went to school for this shit

My self haircut went south, immediately. It is nothing like on the commercial, where the dude is calmly using the cutter, moving it in a circular motion, and his hair looks great. He looks handsome too (just saying), and his lady is super into him, but mostly it's the impeccable EVEN CUT of his hair that is most impressive.

Pfft! I can do that. Not a problem.


The top portion of my head was cut simply enough. Looked fine (ish), but for the life of me I could not successfully cut the hair on the sides of my head or the back. Maybe this was a horrible time to find out I had a severely misshaped head? I dunno. But what I did know was that my hair looked like shit, and I was already in too deep.

I finally knew EXACTLY what Sum 41 was talking about.

I tried many different cutting techniques to get those pesky hairs, but to no avail. I was also very aware of the fact that my ear could get caught in this thing and then I'd have bigger problems (like trying to finish the haircut before going to the hospital because who wants to look stupid in two different ways?)

After a frustrating few minutes, I lowered the length setting and tried again. Not sure why I thought that would solve anything, and I literally had the EXACT same problem as before, just a little bit shorter now.

So I stood there, looking in the mirror, clumps of hair strewn about the sink and floor in my bathroom, and I considered making a concession.

I will go to Great Clips, hat in hand (or definitely "on head" in this case) and ask them to fix what I had done.

Yeah, I TRIED to save time. That's why I'm in this mess

But I'm petty, you see. And I did not want to give them the smug satisfaction of bailing me out and correcting my botched home haircut. They probably live for that. All it would take is one "Y'know, you really shouldn't try this at home" and I would feel as bad as I currently looked. And believe me, that's pretty bad.

Then my plan presented itself: I go in, say I got drunk with my buddies, passed out and my friends did this to me, and I need them to fix it. 

It was one of the better ideas I had come up with that evening (low bar notwithstanding), but all it really did was bum me out that I'm kinda past those days, y'know? I don't even know if they'd believe me.

"Sir, you definitely look to be in your 30s and your wildest night is finally watching through at least 4 things on your Netflix list. We don't believe you".

So I abandon that plan.

My next plan was to just quit while I was far, far behind and leave my hair as is.

That plan was under consideration for a time as short as the hair on the top of my head (but not the sides or back of my head).

Throw a little bit more on top there and you've basically got it

It was then I knew what I had to do. I had no other option than to execute a Scorched Earth protocol. A "page one rewrite" of my own head. The only way to ensure it would grow back at the same length, was to make it all the same length. My brother shaves his head with clippers, so I borrowed his (because FUUUCK that Conair thing) and I "finished the job".

I find the pink shirt distracts from the hair. I've been wearing it for 6 days

I... wear a lot of hats now. For the next little while at least. Response has been politely positive and I've come up with fun ways to say why my head looks this way, such as:

- I lost so much money in Vegas I needed to cut my shampoo budget by 98%
- I sat in the barber's chair and said "give me the Britney Spears meltdown look, please".
- I'm just, like, REALLY excited that Prison Break is coming back.

Just a show about tough dudes with shit haircuts. I'm in!

So let that be a lesson to you out there. If you are a frugal, moderately competent person, with a misshaped head who is prone to bouts of terrible judgement, do not cut your own hair.

Also, Conair, your thing is garbage and your commercial is bogus.

And, AND, you need to change your fucking name. I don't care about the roots of your company or how far it goes back. I don't give a shit if it was founded by Benjamin Conair III.

There is only ONE Con Air that I choose to recognize:

(Hey, Poster Guy, zero of those names are in the right place!)

Thanks for Reading

- jB

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