Thursday, September 30, 2010

7 Days of Bullshit Horoscopes

A girl I used to know put a lot of stock into horoscopes. In some ways, so did I. But I also once believed that Santa was real (the crushing reality that he was murdered in 1974 was revealed to me at age 4...awesome childhood). The bottom line is, horoscopes are bullshit. Straight up. I still read them sometimes out of curiosity, but lost trust in them because a)They never flat out tell you you’re gonna have a terrible day 2)They never warned me about her. 3) I would’ve appreciated a heads up that I was going to drop my ice cream sandwich on August 6th so I could’ve bought another one. I really wanted that.

(It was one of them Oreo ones too. SHIT!)

Telling people generic things in a positive and hopeful light, admirable as it may be, just causes me to look back and read it after and wonder what the hell the writer was thinking. And that is just it, these fucking things have writers. I knew that before, I’m not stupid, but I had never really thought about a guy sitting in a room somewhere deciding what is “probably maybe sorta definitely perhaps saxophone possibly” going to happen to an Aries today. They seem to follow the same rigid structural pattern of “great thing, hopeful thing, relationship thing, bad thing, good thing, get psyched thing”. I rarely read horoscopes the day after to see if any of it was right, but tonight j.bowman can’t sleep, and fraudulent destiny is at fault. Here are the horoscopes for the last 7 days, brought to you by my horoscope app on my phone, and then what the horoscope should’ve said to be more accurate:

For the record, I am a Cancer. I also don’t think Virgo’s actually exist. I’ve never met one. Seems made up.

Thursday September 23rd:
“Don’t give in to feeling sorry for yourself, Moonchild. You may have had a few hurdles to leap over recently, and you may be dealing with a bruised ego or some hurt feelings, but your outlook is far better than you realize. A difficult person or group of people you are dealing with now probably have ulterior motives or may just be unhappy with their own lives, and are therefore miserable. Whatever the reason, it will become obvious fairly soon. Just let it go knowing what goes around comes around - and it’s coming around!”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a) This horoscopes really need to chill the fuck out at the end there.
2) Who the hell is “Moonchild”?
c) Everything that goes wrong is a result of a network of conspirators that are unhappy in their own lives. Don’t worry though, Karma gonna get ‘em.

What it should’ve said:
“Don’t order the shrimp cocktail at lunch, Moonchild. Sorry, I don’t know why I just called you that. I’m retarded. But back to the shrimp. STAY AWAY! You might as well just not go to Red Robin period. There is a super cute chick who works at dairy queen who is super into “Twilight”. Although this makes you lose respect for her, you being vampirically pale gives you an inside edge. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. Watch out for that guy giving you dirty looks for not recycling your empty Dasani water bottle. It may seem like a good idea to challenge him to a fight, but just because he is an old eco conscious hippie doesn’t mean he can’t kick you in the hacky sack before you land a single punch. Use caution. Also, you should start Roddy White at WR for you fantasy football team on Sunday”

(there is no shame in this man besting you in physical combat)

Friday September 24th

“You are in a long process of transformation, Moonchild. This may feel, at times, like the universe is out to get you. Things have gone wrong, people have betrayed you for no reason, and challenge after challenge has appeared before you to block your path. But all the seemingly daunting or damaging things you are experiencing now are for your own good. You are learning. You are growing. And the paths you are being forced down are the paths you are supposed to be on. What you are going through now will lead you exactly where you need to go”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) I started writing my suicide note after the first few sentences
3) After reading the rest of it I stopped writing the suicide note and revised my revenge list instead.

What it should’ve said:
“Okay okay okay, I know things are fucked right now, BUT, I’m fairly certain they are supposed to be fucked. You will soon realize this too, probably. Maybe not, but today you WILL strike out during a slo pitch softball game. That’s pretty awful and in no way is supposed to happen. Maybe the thing you learn from that is that you should take up badminton. Don’t worry though, only 12 girls saw it happen. There are plenty of fish on RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. You are going to be ridiculously sore tomorrow, so try and take it easy. Your leg muscles hurt after that dejected walk back to the dugout. And so they should”

(I have obscurred my face to hide my shame, but this is me striking out in slopitch)

Saturday September 25th
“The winds of change are beginning to blow through your life now, Moonchild. In areas where you felt hopeless, soon there will be hope. In ways you were exhausted, you will soon feel renewed. In situations where you felt rejected, you will soon find a warm embrace. And in places where you felt the world was crumbling beneath your feet, you will find a great sense of security. Don’t give up. You may feel that there is no light to be found in a dark situation, But that is not the case. Don’t allow your eyes to adjust to the darkness.”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a)I’m pretty sure this is a Keats poem (only poet I know. I think Emily Browing is one, but maybe she just does porn and I confused her with a poet).
2) if this thing calls me Moonchild one more time….
c) I could’ve saved tons of words and just written one gigantic RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE.

What it should’ve said:
“Enjoy your time out at the bar tonight. A girl will grind into your business, but she is just trying to budge in line in front of you to get a drink. LET HER. Someone will utter the words “epic fail” or “full of win“. It is completely understandable to hit them in the back with a stool. Recommended even. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. By the way, that girl over there isn’t looking at you, but someone near you….so is that girl...and that one….her too. That girl by the pool table, however, is definitely looking at you, but you really wish she wasn’t. You’d half consider it if you could get her out of your house tomorrow before your friends show up at 10am to watch football. Oh and definitely start Anquan Boldin at WR against the Browns for your fantasy football team tomorrow. I know he has done shit all for you so far, but trust me, it’s going to pay off”

Sunday September 26th
“Don’t let fatigue become overwhelming. You might have an awful lot to do, Moonchild, but there are ways to streamline your efforts and maximize your time. The bottom line is that you don’t yet know your priorities. If you choose what is most important to you, you will be able to see things more clearly. With a sister or a female friend, be patient and be compassionate - someone close to you is getting to the end of a long tough road. Your kind words and empathy will do wonders to make this person feel hopeful”

What it should’ve said:
BOLDIN! 3 Touchdowns! Did I not call that shit?! Yeeeaaaahhhhh!. You will be satisfied with your decision to trust me, your horoscope. You will make me a sandwich with the crusts cut off and we will call it even. The rest of your day will be full of majesty and wonder or something….you know, it’s one thing to get 1 touchdown in a game, but 3?! Unreal. Make that two sandwiches, Moonchild bitch. Sorry, I’m just really excited for us, that’s all. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT ANQUAN BOLDIN. Also, being compassionate and doling out kind words and empathy and shit is a nice thing to do”

(Today you will smash fear and doubt right in the goddamn face)

Monday September 27th
“Something that looks like an obstacle is actually a stepping stone. Something that appears to be a dangerous weapon is actually a tool for self protection. And someone that appears to be an enemy can indirectly offer you great wisdom and some awesome connections. Everything, therefore is not what it seems. A goal that seems out of reach is within your grasp if you don’t limit yourself by preconceived ideas. Don’t let anything stop you today, Moonchild. You are your only limitation, and you are your only shot at success”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) About time someone else refers to that sword I bought as a “tool for self protection” and not “a dangerous and impractical weapon in the hands of a lunatic” as the local police…and news so incorrectly stated.
b) I thought I was in the clear, but then BOOM! Snuck a “Moonchild” right in at the end there. Dammit!
3) My computer knows the “I after E except after C” rule waaaaaayyy better than I do. Skynet?

What it should’ve said:
“Your bus will ride past a sidewalk at the exact moment a dog takes a shit. You will have a clear view of it. This will ruin your day. Random generic statement about hope rendered moot due to poop. Go home and watch "Sons of Anarchy", tomorrow is another day.”

Tuesday September 28th

“You have a lot of friends _________. You may not even realize how loved and respected you are. Sometimes you get lost in worrying, and feeling sorry for yourself, and in getting so caught up in what’s going wrong that you fail to see what is going right. You are a sensitive soul, and that has a lot to do with your vulnerability to worry. But right now your friends are willing to show you just how much you mean to them. If there is something you need, just ask.”

(Opinion Sidebar)
a) Okay, that one actually worked and made me feel pretty good.
2)___________ was totally an omitted “Moonchild” that I refused to write…..dammit!
c) This positivity is totally harshing on my cynicism. I require that to finish.

What it should’ve said:
“You will spend the better part of your day wondering how many couples have had sex while Chris Isaak’s song “Wicked Game” was playing. You will reach the conclusion that roughly 34,000 couples have been in that situation since the song came out in 1989. This number will raise to 34,001 for a moment, but then you’ll remember that the song that was playing that time was actually “I'm Blue” by Eifel 65. Do not call that girl ever again. RANDOM GENERIC STATEMENT ABOUT HOPE. You decide to think about something else, but THEN you realize Ross and Rachel first bopped on “Friends” while that song was playing in the planetarium. After considering whether or not fictional characters count, the number goes up to 34,002 (Ross and Rachel, and then the couple in the new screenplay you JUST started writing: “Wicked Game”). Pay tribute to Chris Isaak today for all he has done for you, or else he might show up and steal your hypothetical girlfriend.”

(He will take her in his Werewolf arms, and there is nothing you can do to stop him)

Wednesday September 29th
“You have transcended a certain part of your history. You are happy that you have gone beyond that particular period because it was emotionally draining and stressful. Yet for some reason you continue to look back, perhaps in morbid curiosity. This is natural, but it is something you should try to avoid from now on. If you truly want to move beyond that challenging and possibly dark period of your life, you need to let it go completely. The stars are now encouraging bold new ventures and personal evolution. Let go of the past and embrace what is now unfolding”

(Opinion Sidebar)
1) Morbid curiosity always seems like something that would occur in a morgue.
3) There should be special horoscopes for twins. “Today you will pretend to be the other guy, and nobody will notice.”

What it should’ve said:
“I wrote the exact same shit for Pisces back on June 16th. Please don’t tell anyone.”

So there you have it. A week of innaccurate (not even gonna try and spell that correctly) bullshit (that word, I know). Essentially every horoscope can basically be boiled down and simplified using a brief sentence and a picture of a cat.

(Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of.....)


Thanks for reading


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