Every year I gather with my family for a traditional Christmas Eve dinner. My family rules so I enjoy participating even though I'm not a big "christmas guy". I get to enjoy good eats, drink some E.Nog (that's what we call egg nog on the streets) and enjoy the musical stylings of the Rat Pack (I believe on the streets they are called N.W.A. although that might be a different group). The food is always top notch, especially my favorite, mashed potatoes, but there is one thing about that dinner that does not sit right with me. Wow, I phrased that pretty well because I'm referring to the seating arrangement. I've been going to this dinner for 20-something years and I have never gotten the chance to sit at the adult table. This is a problem.
I think I can bring a lot to the adult table. I have paid my dues and I should get a shot. I was a star at the kids table for years, climbing the ranks until I was the....tallest person there. You know you've been there for too long when your knees no longer fit under the little foldout table and you have to eat your dinner with your legs at an angle. After 2 years of slanted eating I thought for sure I'd get called up to "the show". I'm happy to announce that I did not have to spend a 3rd year being over 6 feet tall and sitting at the kids table. It wasn't because of my kids table performances through the years (I fuckin' ran that shit!) it was primarily because...there were a lot more kids now. All of a sudden, I had many cousins and if they got a shot at the big table before me I woulda lost it. It was my time, whether due to overcrowding or not, it was my time.
I didn't receive my chance in the majors. You're probably asking yourselves: "Is Winter Wonderland the best Christmas Carol?" and also "j.Bowman, if you didn't sit at the kids or adult tables, what happened to you?". To answer your first question: Hell yes! And to answer your second question, allow me to use a visual aid.
If our Christmas Eve Dinner seating arangements were like a map of the world, I would be Australia.
I literally sit about 6 ft from both tables with my own personal wooden tray table.
I wish I was making that shit up, but Christmas is not a time for wishing. There is the big table, the kids table and then my sad bastard tray table near the door where the shoes get kicked off. If I need someone to pass the salt, I have to catch it. It gets pretty damn lonely over there. After putting in my time and paying my dues with my diagonal sitting and patience, my chance has not come and I wish the following was not a fact: I'm 6'3 and 25 years old and I've never sat at the grownup table. If I can dunk a basketball, I should be allowed at the big table. Even if I can't dunk a basketball, which I can't, I should still get to sit there. There are many contributing factors to this I'm sure, but even though I suspect my brother, j.Revolver Bowman (jRB) has been holding me back for years, I will no longer be denied. I know some of the people that are going to be at this dinner read j.Bowman Can't Sleep. I want you all to know that I am bringing serious game this year and I will not remain exiled on "Christmas Dinner Island" any longer. I have drafted up a 6 Point Plan (which is a hexagon I believe) that will land me a seat at the big time.
1. Go Viral
2. The Great Red/Green/White HypeI plan on creating some serious buzz and hype about my appearance at Christmas Eve dinner this year. In the weeks leading up to the big day, I will be getting my inception on and planting some ideas in some heads. This can be done very simply by asking a strange question to each relative in the weeks leading up to the event. Such as:
How much is a 1 way plane ticket to Kenya?
Was KC & The Sunshine Band the most dominant band of the 70s?
Can you deep fry skittles?
Is it possible to move without making a sound?
Hopefully after planting those seeds, my relatives will share those strange questions with each other and come to 2 conclusions:
1. I'm planning on attending a Overweight Ninja Disco Safari
2. That would be a sweet band name.
So that is sure to generate some buzz. Would you not want to talk to someone who is going or has been on an overweight ninja disco safari? Another way to generate some buzz before the big dinner is big relationship news. This is difficult for me though, because as I pointed out in THIS POST, I don't have even small relationship news. j.RB got engaged recently (which is awesome), so his pre-dinner hype is off the charts. My sister, also a j.Bowman (but in pink) got married back in May so she has some Christmas hype as well. So in order to step my game up, I've got to get engaged to twins in the next few weeks. Shouldn't be too difficult. I think the only reason I haven't done it so far is because I haven't been trying.
"All I want for Christmas is you....and your sister".
3. Make an entranceIf the 2010 Miami Heat have taught me anything, it's that the most important thing in life is a flashy, overly complicated entrance. They have taught me so much more, but that one in particular is what I wish to focus on now. I plan on being late to Christmas Eve dinner, but still arrive before the actual seating gets determined. I plan on having an inside man, perhaps my brother in law (he rules btw) in place before I get there. Just when someone asks "Where is j.Bowman gonna sit?" he will turn off the lights, turn on smoke machine that has cleverly been disguised as a present, pick up a large 80s boom box and hit the music. If I can't find an old school boom box I will improvise.
So the music starts and for a moment everyong is in total darkness as the opening notes of "Thriller" blare through the boom box. The door swings open to reveal j.Bowman holding two sparklers and pre-wearing one of those colored christmas paper crowns (It will be a purple one, cause purple rules). The lights come up and I continue my meticulously choreographed dance routine for the remaining 4:26 of the song. When this is finished, I'm either going to get a raucous round of applause and earn myself an adult table seat for life, or my relatives will just stare at me wondering what went wrong over the last 25 years. If that happens I'll just pull out a delicious pie that I will bring as a backup. If an overly elaborate entrance won't put me in peoples good graces, pie will. People love pie.
4. Dress for SuccessIf there is one thing everyone at the adult table has in common it's that they aren't wearing Vancouver Canucks jerseys. It took me several years to realize this, but apparently rocking a throwback Kirk McLean jersey is not classy enough for Christmas Eve dinner.
I've experimented with different sweater combinations over the last few years, but sweaters just ain't getting it done for me (not even turtlenecks). I've even gone against my personal mantra of "No tie, no tuck" and tried a shirt (tucked in) and tie as well but have still had no success (everything I heard about ties being classy was a damn lie!). And let's not forget "The Great Vest Experiment of '06". Thought for sure the vest would be the answer. Turns out the only thing a vest is the answer for is the question "What makes me look like a waiter?". So after years and years of trying out different things, I think I found the perfect thing to wear. It's got a perfect balance of class, pinache and meat. Nothing would cement my place at the adult table better than the "BACON TUXEDO"!
You know what? No! That picture is not good enough. You people deserve better. And so does this dude. He is a god damn pioneer. Of course he's got geisha bitches just fawning all over him. Look at this grilled playa:
5. Take it easy on the Shrimp ring
Every year a shrimp ring gets put out before dinner and I attack it. I can't help it. Them shits is delicious. I don't care that I might ruin my appetite, and even if I did care I'd do it anyway. I love me some shrimp rings. I feel that perhaps establishing a shrimp perimeter and defending it might be negatively effecting my chances to get the coveted adult table invite. I came up with a very simple solution. I will buy a book of elementary school math questions, and if I have a shrimp, I will not allow myself another one until I solve a math problem. I chose an elementary book because as I've mentioned before I'm rubbish at Math and if I doubt I'd be able to solve anything harder. Only having 1 shrimp is not an option.
6. "Topic Thunder"I have learned a lot over the years of trying to shatter the glass ceiling that keeps me in Christmas limbo. One thing I've realized is that my relatives don't really care about Green Lantern, or Batman, or that totally bitchin magic carpet level in the Aladdin video game for the Sega Genesis. They also don't care about hearing exactly why Jurassic Park 2 & 3 are shit and how the most underrated film of the last 10 years is the Guy Pearce, Jim Caveziel 2002 revenge epic "The Count of Monte Cristo" (GO WATCH IT!) Seriously. Go watch it. I'll wait here...............
I know, right?! So good. Anyways, I don't exactly bring the goods when it comes to topical conversation. By reading the blog you have a pretty clear idea of what it is like to have a conversation with me. You're left confused, slightly irritated and with a better understanding of nothing that matters. This year, though, I'm preparing some conversation topics that will be sure to show 'em I belong at the big table. I wrote them all down on flash cards because a) I don't want to forget and fall back into my bullshit-speak 2) I think it'll be cool to pretend like I'm a host on a really lame game show....who also wears a bacon tuxedo....FUCK! I can't write those words without wanting to see another picture of it. But I don't wanna scroll up cause I'm lazy and it's all the way up there. So I'll just put another picture here:
Back on point now (after a "Bacon Tuxedo Interlude"....also a sweet band name) I've prepared flash cards with news and opinions that apparently are a big deal. The headings are:
"Wikileaks - What is the deal with that?"
"One of the Koreas is being a real dick right now"
"Did you see the Facebook movie?"
"Denmark is number 32 in the world among net exporters of crude oil"
"Did you guys hear about politics?"
"This is why I hate Belarus"
"Did you know Nestle products cause impotence in men and women?"
I think those will be some surefire conversation stimulators. All I have to do is occasionally chime in with a factoid or two (one of them might be the origin of the word "factoid") and boom! I will fully blend in when it comes to having mature conversation about worldly events. I'm also going to CRUSH the delivery of my joke in the Christmas Cracker thing (is that what they're called? With the paper crown and shitty toy and stuff. Someone please answer in the comments)
If all of the previous 6 plans do not work out and get me a seat at the adult table, I have one last resort. I don't want to play this card, but I refuse to eat my Christmas dinner in a different timezone than everyone else. My failsafe plan (of champions) is....
EMERGENCY CONTIGENCYWhen it comes time to sit down for dinner, I'm just going to use my athletic prowess and tenacity to get a seat there first. I'm a young man in the prime of his life and I can utilize my speed to beat anyone to the table. Desperate times call for desperate measures and I WILL go musical chairs if the situation requires it. And if pushed to my absolute limits, if I'm told I must go back to my sad little tray table in Australia and shout my conversational topics I was up all night preparing, there is one card left to play. I will go "tantrum". The indignity of having to eat by myself like a leper is much worse than screaming and crying and refusing to budge from the adult table. If I go, I'll take the tablecloth with me, I don't care.
PLAN 7: Act like a petulant child
PLAN 7: Act like a petulant child
I'm fully aware that such behavior will probably result in my public privilages being taken away and I'll have to eat Christmas dinner in the kitchen over the sink, but at least I'll have my dignity.....oh shit. Well, fuck it then, I will just work my way back up the ranks with a series of 6 point plans. Cause I'm good at executing them.
Thanks for Reading.
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