Monday, October 17, 2011

Getting to Know Your 2011/2012 Vancouver Canucks

Monpeeps, what is up? Yeah? Cancelled already? Wow I'm sorry to hear that. I never got a chance to watch the new "Charlie's Angels" show, but I know you liked it. Oh well, next season there will surely another remake of an awful old TV show you can get behind. Like a sexy, sultry remake of "WKRP in Cincinnati".

(We'll get to you, Canucks, don't worry)

A new season is upon us. I'm not talking about Autumn. Truthfully, I find Autumn to be kind of a dick. Any given day the weather can call an audible and it's easy to get stuck out in the rain in shorts. Also, I'm not a fan of having to carry around an umbrella every day from Oct-May. Yes I live in Vancouver, but no I am not The Penguin.

(Also someone I don't consider to be The Penguin)

(Burgess Meredith. The definitive Penguin. "Wack Wack Wack!")

The new season I speak of is the 2011/2012 NHL Season, which recently got underway. As known to readers of j.B.C.S. I am an avid fan of the Vancouver Canucks hockey team and I have deep underlying suspicions that every other team in the league has mafia ties and conspires to keep the Nucks from winning the Stanley Cup (think about it. Really think about it). Last year was a tough one, the Canucks were the #1 team in the league going into the playoffs, after an initial scare from their hated rivals the Chicago Blackhawks, they made it to game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals where they lost to the Boston Bruins. Rumour has it they played the Predators and Sharks too, but those teams didn't do enough to stand out (I'm looking at you '94 Stars and Maple Leafs).

I had several posts during the run last year where I tried to fire up the team by making bold face lies and slanderous statements about opposing players and coaches. I think legally it's ok, because I prefixed it all by saying they were lies....probably. I don't know, I have a really terrible legal team (it's just me). Here are last years posts:

Completely One Sided NHL Playoff Preview: Round 1

Canuckwatch 2011: Slandering the Blackhawks

Completely One Sided NHL Playoff Preview: Round 2

Canuckwatch 2011: Slandering the Predators

Canuckwatch 2011: Slandering the Sharks

Canuckwatch 2011: Slandering the Bruins

Gold star if you actually went back and read all those. They were silly. I would be remiss if I didn't bring my Penguin reference full circle. Although the Canucks failed in game 7 to win the Stanley Cup last year (would have been the first in team history) the 2009 Pittsburgh PENGUINS also lost the Cup the previous year in 7 games. What did they do about it you ask? Did they just hang around in a mungy bodysuit spitting black blood everywhere? No! Cause that would be terrible.

(Pictured: Terrible)

The 2009 Penguins picked themselves up, gave themselves a good dusting, went out and WON THE DAMN CUP THE FOLLOWING YEAR. This year, the Vancouver Canucks will attempt to do the same, and these are the guys that are going to get the job done.

(Note: In this case "the job" means winning the Northwest Division and getting knocked out in the 2nd or 3rd round of the playoffs. It's nice to be on the money with predictions, so I am hedging my bets)

(Double Note: I absolutely loathe the nicknames the Canucks or their PR team have given them. Such inspired ones as "Kes" and "Burr" and "Lu" and "Edler" lack a clever punch. Each season I try to make some new ones happen. I will also do that here. Deal with it)

2011/2012 Vancouver Canucks Roster


Henrik Sedin (Team Captain)
Jersey # 33 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: Hart Ross 
Little Known Non-Fact: Spent all of 1996 disguised as Daniel

Daniel Sedin (A)
Jersey # 22 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: Hartless 
Little Known Non-Fact: Spent all of 1997 disguised as Henrik. Came just shy of doing as good a job as Henrik did the year before

Alex Burrows (A)
Jersey # 14 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "The Dragonslayer" (this one better catch) 
Little Known Non-Fact: favorite place to be during a house party is the kitchen
Ryan Kesler (A) 
Jersey # 17 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "Second Line Centerfold" (Nucks fans, you've all seen the picture) 
Little Known Non-Fact: Was just leaning on that rock, naked and pondering the great mysteries of life when a hockeyrazzi took the infamous picture.

Marco Sturm
Jersey # 15 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "The Sturmometer" (he is gonna be hot and cold all year folks, might at well call 'em as we see 'em) 
Little Known Non-Fact: He is named after a famous explorer. (Full name is Marco Magellan Sturm)

Mikael Samuelsson
Jersey # 26 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: Notorious UGH 
Little Known Non-Fact: The infamous "Kesler nude photo" was originally supposed to be Mikael Samuelsson and it was originally going to be the centerfold for the September issue of "Shockingly Unattractive Magazine"

Chris Higgins
Jersey # 20 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "The Butler" or "Magnum CH" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Nobody in history has ever been happier than Higgins was in his team photo up there.

Manny Malhotra
Jersey # 27 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "Businessmanny" (guy is allllllll business. Surprised he doesn't play in a tie) 
Little Known Non-Fact: Learned to be so good at faceoffs by watching Bob Ross as a child. Nobody draws better than Bob Ross. Nobody.

(#1 Greatest faceoff man of all time)

Jannik Hansen
Jersey # 36 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "The Dane-ger Zone" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Is the greatest hockey player to ever come out of Denmark. The other 8 guys were understandably pretty bummed.

Maxim Lapierre 
Jersey # 40 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "The Subscription" or "Chomps" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Not everyone in the NHL hates him. One of the Oilers assisstant coaches finds him "pretty funny, actually".

Cody Hodgson
Jersey # 9 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "L'il Sabretooth" (he looks exactly like actor Liev Schreiber who played Sabretooth in X-Men Origins: Wolverine) 
Little Known Non-Fact: Still isn't Trevor Linden.

(Cody Hodgson dressed in his game day finest)


Kevin Bieksa
Jersey # 3 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "Juice" (not even gonna try and give him a new one. He is one of the rare guys on the team that has an actual nickname, not just a caveman interpretation of their last name) 
Little Known Non-Fact: Funniest person on the CBC (that includes all terrible Canadian "comedy" shows. Air Farce has got nothing on Juice)

Dan Hamhuis
Jersey # 2 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "MC Hamhuis" 
Little Known Non-Fact: His amazing hipcheck, "The Hammy Driver" was his childhood backyard wrestling finishing move.

Keith Ballard
Jersey # 4 
Nickname I'm trying to make stick: "80s Soft Rock Power Ballard" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Actually lives in a doghouse.

Andrew Alberts
Jersey # 41 
Nickname I'm trying to make stick: "Durr" (look at him and tell me he doesn't start all his sentences that way)
Little Known Non-Fact: Canucks actually thought they had gotten rid of him and kept Tanner Glass. When Alberts showed up to training camp, it was just too awkward to say anything so they just never told him.

Alex Edler
Jersey # 23 
Nickname I'm Trying to Make Stick: "The Nordic Track" 
Little Known Fact: He is actually Sami Salo from 1993 who travelled forward in time.

Sami Salo
Jersey # 6 
Nickname I'm Trying to Make Stick: "Paper Machalo" (He is just stronger than paper mache)
Little Known Non-Fact: Injured his left eye reading this. Out for 3-4 months.


Roberto Luongo
Jersey # 1 
Nickname I'm Trying to Make Stick: "Public Enemy Number Lu" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Doesn't much care for playing in a Canadian market. (whoops! Sorry I confused this with my "Commonly Known Mega Facts" about the Canucks players)

Cory Schneider
Jersey # 35 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "Future Neely" (he will go on to be a legend....somewhere else) 
Little Known Non-Fact: Keeps us just under "The Ginger Cap" in the NHL. It was why we had to let Torres go.


Alain Vigneault
Jersey # 100 
Nickname I'm Trying To Make Stick: "Filet Vigneault" 
Little Known Non-Fact: Clearly hasn't seen "Friday Night Lights". We would've won the cup last year if he had.


So that is that Canuck fans. The team that will get the job done this year (again, by "job" I mean winning the Northwest division). In case you were reading my posts about them last year, and had no idea what or who I was talking about, hopefully now you can indentify with some of these guys and join the Canucks bandwagon. We could always use more fans. (People from Toronto need not apply).

Seeing as how this is my first official post of October 2011, I wish to put forth an idea for the Canucks goal song. We currently use some garbage song that both the Maple Leafs and the Blue Jackets use (pretty sure my little sister's soccer team uses it too). We lost "Holiday" by Green Day, but imagine how epic it would be if the Canucks scored and you heard......THIS!

I'm pretty biased. but I think I nailed it.

Thanks for Reading

(Go Canucks Go)

- jB

Monpeeps, I need your help. If you have Twitter, let these folks know you want to The Sleepless Knight, j.Bowman to be the official Canucks blogger on It would be, well, not a "dream" come true. But most definitely a nap hallucination come true. Thanks to M. Massulo for tipping me off about this. Alright everyone...

Let 'em know.

@jonnymac68, @provincesports, @erikrolfsen and @paulc14


The Province Sports Email Address

C'mon gang. Together we can prove to my family that I'm marginally talented at something. Huzzah! 

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