Saturday, May 7, 2011

CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Predators

The opportunity for me to waste a few minutes of your day by needlessly attacking another hockey team that finds itself up against the Vancouver Canucks may be nearing an end (hopefully). With the Canucks up in the Best of 7 Series 3-1 against the Nashville Predators, I felt it necessary to show respect to that team for being worthy adversaries and making it an exciting series the only way I know how...

...with malicious and potentially false lies about them.

Welcome to CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Predators (for the record, I know that slander is spoken and libel is written, but slander is a much better word so that is what me and the staff have decided to go with. Cool? Cool.)

The Nashville Predators hockey team were formed in 1998 by Jim-Bob Jenkins, a tabacco farmer/country music enthusiast won a raffle at a country fair and decided to use the $120 winnings to start his own NHL franchise. At the time, Canadian cities like Winnipeg, Saskatoon, Hamilton, Yellowknife, Banff and Surrey had all put together multi million dollar bids (except for Yellowknife, who were mostly offering fish) to land the team but NHL Emperor Gary Bettman, sticking firmly with his "fuck Canada philosophy" decided that Jim-Bob's bid of 8 chickens, a pair of NASCAR tickets and the complete Rascall Flatts discography was a good enough deal to award the expansion franchise to Nashville.

(It was a big day for overalls)

First thing Jim-Bob (who now goes by "James-Robert Jenkins") set out to do with his new franchise was find out what hockey was. Living in the south, he was never really quite sure. He asked around town but all anyone wanted to talk about was Dale Earnhardt Jr. so Jim-Bob decided to go down to the big city (Raleigh, North Carolina) and do some research because apparently they had a hockey team there as well.

Nobody ever heard from him again.

Gary Bettman, desperate to not let a new NHL franchise exist in an area where they can be profitable OR popular, decided to just keep telling everyone the team had an owner. He then let his nephew Chauncy Bettman run the team after school and on weekends. The results were not great.

(Artist renderring of Chauncy Bettman)

They went on to suck for years and years before actually becoming not bad for a spell but then it all turned to shit. Mustard yellow shit.


They advanced into the second round of the NHL Playoffs for the first time in franchise history and this was waiting for them.

("Get out of my playoffs, ya pansies")

The Predators ran into a challenge of ironically "Schwarzeneggarian" proportions in the form of the best team in the league, The Vancouver Canucks. Gary Bettman was about to get boned by Canada and was not pleased.

(Although to be fair, the only thing that makes him happy is when evil triumphs)

David Legwand

Nickname: DUI
Little Known Fact: Is totally okay to drive, dude. Seriously.

Martin Erat

Nickname: Laura Dern
Little Known Fact: Actually is not actress Laura Dern

(Sam Neil and Martin Erat in "Jurassic Park"...I think)

Blake Geoffrion
Nickname: Lord Joffrion
Little Known Fact: Thinks "Diamond Shreddies" are actually different than regular Shreddies

Sergei Kostitsyn
Nickname: Segruber
Little Known Fact: Actually not a homely 14 year old Russian girl

Kevin Klein

Nickname: The Big Chill
Little Known Fact: According to league database, actually looks like this (whoa!)

Jerred Smithson

Nickname: Eye-Gap the Magnificent
Little Known Fact: Face is perfectly symmetrical (or at least that what his parents tell him)

Mike Fisher Underwood
Nickname: Married to Carrie Underwood
Little Known Fact: There are 8 people who don't know he is married to Carrie Underwood

Jonathon Blum
Nickname: The most interesting man in the world.
Little Known Fact: The Dos Equis guy is a fraud and Jonathon Blum is the proof. Just look at him!

Shane O'Brien
Nickname: The Roxy
Little Known Fact: Sometimes uses the ladies room when the mens room is full. Bastard.

Jordin Tootoo
Nickname: The Double Duece
Little Known Fact: THERE IS NO "I" in "JORDAN"!

Joel Ward
Nickname: Cutty
Little Known Fact: Best guy ever. (I'm actually afraid of him)

Pekka Rinne
Nickname: Demon Goalie
Little Known Fact: Kicked out of 90s pop group "Ace of Base" for being "too nordic looking".

Patrick Hornqvist
Nickname: The Aryan Wetdream
Little Known Fact: Never got over losing to Daniel-san at the end of "Karate Kid"

Ryan Suter
Nickname: The Big Stupid Gomer
Little Known Fact: Spent all of last years offseason trying to figure out "Inception"

Shea Weber
Nickname: The Serial Killer
Little Known Fact: Keeps getting away with it despite looking like he just killed someone 24/7

Barry Trotz

Nickname: Boulder Head
Little Known Fact: Has been Nashville Head Coach since day 1. Regretted it since day 2.

Nickname: My Future Wife
Little Known Fact: Super into pale nerdy smartasses...just doesn't know it yet.

There you have it Monpeeps, several interesting things about the Nashville Predators, very few of them true (potentially).

Gotta run, Game's on.


Thanks for Reading

- jB

No comments:

Post a Comment