Wednesday, June 15, 2011

CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Bruins

I had decided to take a hiatus from the blog until the Stanley Cup Finals were over. Tonight is Game 7. Do or die for my beloved Vancouver Canucks against those asshole Boston Bruins (if you are from Boston, I would apologize but instead I offer you this pearl of wisdom: move)

With the dream of winning their first championship in their 40 year history in jeopardy, I reflected on this run the Canucks have had and this is the biggest threat they have faced yet. 60 minutes. One game. Winner take all. For all the previous opponents, I have taken time out of my busy day (which consists of staring at the wall, drinking and waiting for hockey to start) to slander the opposing team and players with potential lies and petty comments. I foolishly believe that perhaps the other teams have read those posts and I have gotten in their heads long enough for the 'Nucks to vanquish them. That, or they just aren't as good a hockey team as us. Whichever, I don't care so long as the Canucks win.

I had not done that for the Bruins. I was gonna take the high road. They, with their 19-8 outscoring us bullshit have forced my hand.

The Roster

Tim Thomas
 He is a goddamn mutant. That is the only explanation for his crazy goaltending. Fuck this guy.

Milan Lucic
Claims to be from BC. Prove it, take a dive! This is bigger than just you!
Zdeno "Zangief" Chara
 He is actually 3 midgets standing on each others shoulders.

Johnny "Bane" Boychuk
You break Mason Raymond's back, we break your face. That is Canuck law. Can't fight it.

Rich Peverly
Your eyes are too close together Rich Peverly. Get that shit fixed you 1 goggle wearing freak.

Brad Marchand
He is 80% nose. They tried to make a movie about him. Here is the poster:

Dennis Seidenberg
 He is actually Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in whiteface.

Michael Ryder
Is alergic to being awesome. Good thing he isn't awesome. I don't want him to die.

Mark "Jurassic" Recchi

 Mark Recchi is so old he called in a favor from Jesus to get to game 7 (he used to buy Jesus booze cause he was too young)

Patrice Bergeron
I thought Patrice was the most feminine name I have ever heard...until I discovered his middle name is "Ihaveavaginagilmoregirlsisamazing"

Tyler Seguin
 Has no reason to look this smarmy. Look at that smarm! Fuck this guy. Idiot.

David Krejci
Still believe in both Santa Clause and Slash aka "Vunderslash"

Claude Julien
He is the botched result of trying to clone a human from tissue of a swollen big toe.

In closing, Boston Bruins. You may "want" the Cup. But wants are chilidish desires. The Vancouver Canucks NEED the Cup.

Thanks for Reading

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