Monday, October 31, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - October

 The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of October 2011

Halloween Houses That Give Out Full Size Chocs

Houses that gave out full sized chocolate bars were one of the greatest things about childhood. People always talk about the house that gave them toothbrushes and the like, but there was always like one house in the neighbourhood that once you found it, was like discovering the fountain of youth or a frozen caveman in your backyard, only better.

 (Sean Astin got boned on this. No poster for Samwise? Travesty!)

As a kid you almost didn't believe it at first. You had grown so accustomed to seeing and hearing those little chocs dropped into your bag or bucket that when "the heavy" lands in there your first feeling is that of shock. But after clumisly digging through your bag/bucket in the driveway and confirming that you did, indeed, just receive a FULL SIZE chocolate bar, it's celebration time!

(Those moments were why I was glad I went trick or treatin with these guys)

This is where Halloween got tricky for me though. I had gotten a taste of full size chocs and dammit! I wanted more. Barring getting an extra one for a "sick brother" who couldn't go trick or treating, you only got 1. In those scenarios you can either accept things as they are (terrible life lesson) or you can get creative and try a con to get more of that thing you want (also terrible life advice, but it gets you more candy).

(Didn't help with any plans, but still it was a great watch)

Don't talk to me about the economics of Halloween. Houses like these were the reason I traveled around with 3 costumes so I could keep going back multiple times. Buying 3 costumes for 3 full size chocolate bars?! Yeah I learned everything I know about investment finance during my formative Halloween years (by the way, I know nothing about investments or finance. Clearly).

(I make it rain singles)

I wasn't able to afford 3 costumes every year, so I had to get creative. Or lazy depending on how you look at it. You have to give a little bit of time between visits too, or else they will know it's you again.

White sheet, 2 holes and 20 minutes. The secret to near unlimited candy.

"You know hun, there sure are a lot of crappy ghost costumes this year"
"I know, but I doubt it's the same person, because they come 20 minutes apart and are of varying height"
"What if it's just someone slouching?"
"Why do you always have to disagree with me?! I want a divorce!"

Wow, things really escalated quickly in my hypothetical scenario there. But remember kids, even though it could ruin a marraige, when you are eating four full size Crispy Cruch bars, you will not care.

(They had kid? Don't care!)

When I grow up, I'm going to be that house. It might bankrupt me, but I don't care. In the long run, it truly is worth it. Don't believe me? Well as a rascally youth let me tell you:

Kids remember that house all year round.

You lose a soccerball in the backyards and never get it back? You know what, leave that house be. They gave out full size chocs last Halloween. Expectations are now in place. Once you are "that house", you can't not be that house. If you are moving to "fun size" chocs, you are better off just moving. Kids are animals.

(Eric slashes tires if you cross him. DO NOT cross him)

Welcome the the Hall!

"Skynet" (NFL Zipcam)

Me and my friends (in this case "friends" meaning "everyone in existence") LOVE sky-cam. It has revolutionized football broadcasts and is one of the biggest breakthroughs in camera technology in the last 400 years. Oh yeah, but this will probably happen though:

(We call "SkyCam" "Skynet" as a joke. This sumbitch has no sense of humour)

Yeah, that zipline camera that helps us see roughing the passer and blocked punt plays clearer will (probably) one day rise up and enslave mankind. You know what? Worth it!

Welcome to the Hall, remember this when you take over. j.Bowman is a friend to robots.


As someone who loves sports, my love deepens when it comes to the post season. Yeah, the season is all well and good, but there is a desperation and a desire that you see in the playoffs that you don't otherwise. Sacrifice is the norm and the team that loses is almost always the team that doesn't give it every single ounce of will they have. Man, I'm getting fired up just writing about playoffs.

Yes Jim Mora I am talking about playoffs. And no, I'm not kidding you. They are amazing! Football playoffs are great because you've got one shot, one game, one moment... and anything else Eminem might have said in "8 Mile". Some people love that, some hate it. Some want a series between teams to truly prove who is best. Fine. Hockey, Basketball and Baseball have best of seven series' and they are outstanding. This really helps add something to Baseball because they have a 211 game season. C'mon, playoff baseball especially is incredible. This year was no exception. Would you rather watch the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals square off in game 102 of the year or stuff like this?

Only in the playoffs.

Welcome to the Hall.

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" Video

It is my favourite thing about October. A 15 minute music video featuring zombies, a red leather suit and the SICKEST dance moves in history?! Amazing! The best part of the video might just be in the beginning when they are watching the movie and his girlfriend gets scared at 3:50. This exchange is as awesome as it is underrated:

"Can we get out of here?"
"No! I'm enjoying this".
(smiles happily to himself while watching movie)
"Well I can't watch".
(Girl leaves)
(MJ happily eats popcorn and watches for a moment, before leaving)

Welcome to the Hall.

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame

Thanks for Reading
- jB

j.Bowman is to twitter as fruit is to a cheese and cracker platter. It's an unfair team up and a waste of your time. Even so, grapes! (@jbowmancouver)

No comments:

Post a Comment