Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Completely One-Sided NHL Playoff Preview: Round 1.

Mon-f'n-peeps, good to see you again. Except for you. Yes, you. You look pretty haggard. You should get some potassium in you or something. I don't know if scurvy is still around, but you should probably get tested for it.

It is my FAVORITE time of year again: NHL Playoff time! (yes that is a direct shot at you Christmas. Go fuck thyself). It is a magical time of year that is dominated by hope, optimism and the eventual blaming of the goaltenders. It should come as no surprise to any of you who read this that I am currently involved in a serious, steamy love affair with the Vancouver Canucks hockey team. At times I will admit perhaps I text it too much, but after being left by the Grizzlies all those years ago I just want the Canucks to remember I care.

(Grizz never gave a fuck about any of us.)

So with the playoffs for the real "beautiful game" starting tonight, I figured I would use this arena to give people who might not know too much about hockey (the Dutch, mainly) a preview of each matchup and an invitation onto the bandwagon of awesomeness that will be rolling for the next 2 months. Cool? Cool.

Eastern Conference

Washington Capitals vs. New York Rangers
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens.

Philadelphia Flyers vs. Buffalo Sabres
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens (but I met some great hockey fans in Buffalo years ago so, go Sabres)

Boston Bruins vs. Montreal Canadiens
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens (one of my early supporters is from Montreal, so go Habs...for now)

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Tampa Bay Lightning
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens.

Western Conference

San Jose Sharks vs. Los Angeles Kings
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens.

Detroit Red Wings vs. Phoenix Coyotes
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens.

Anaheim Ducks vs. Nashville Predators
Prediction: Doesn't matter what happens.

Chicago Blackhaws vs..........(drumroll)

(drumroll continues....)

(...drumroll continues to the point of being awkward, then it gets awesome again....)

The Vancouver Canucks!


I just blew my entire yearly j.B.C.S. budget on fireworks photos. Worth it.

Prediction: Vancouver decimates Chicago 16-0 in Game 1. The Blackhawks decide that rather than face the powerhouse Canucks again, it would be less humiliating to tuck tail, run and cry like little babies. They decline the option to play the rest of the series and forfeit their balls to the best team in the league.

(At least they surrender as a team. Biggest white flag ever)

Trophy taken by Vancouver to commemorate victory: Patrick Kane's stupid fucking mullet.

(The fact that this clown is a champion makes me want to puke...on him)

Now it's easy for anyone to understand that the Canucks are the hockey equivalent of buying a bag of ju jubes and there being no black ones in it, but for the uneducated I figure I would elaborate and share some interesting facts about them I recently learned while doing fake research. Enjoy

- The Canucks won the "Prime Minister's Trophy" this year which is awarded to the team with the most points in the regular season aka the team better than Chicago by a lot.

- 2 Time NBA MVP Steve Nash is the Canucks' 3rd string goalie

- Star goalie Roberto Luongo gave up his captaincy during the offseason. He then became the teams Admiral.

(He also plays Left Wing now sometimes)

- Captain Henrik Sedin won the scoring title and MVP last season. Twin brother Daniel won the scoring title this season and is a frontrunner for MVP. He also ripped the head of Henrik's Swedish G.I. Joe when they were kids.

(G.I. Johan)

- Alex Burrows is one of the best ball hockey players in the world. Nobody seems to care but his mother.

 (Those are funny looking skates, Burrows)

- Ryan Kesler is the only player in NHL history to serve a 5 minute major penalty for kidnapping.

- Oft injured Defenceman Sami Salo got hurt while reading this post.

- Dan Hamhuis is a former WWF Champion. His devastating "Hamhuis Driver" is still in use.

- The Sedin twins are actually triplets. Third brother Cooper Sedin runs a successful real estate business.

(Somehow, he will manage to win the scoring title next season)

- Raffi Torres has the biggest eyes in the league and if given the chance, he will fucking eat you.

- Mikael Samuelson leads the team in "getting fake phone numbers from women".

(Just ghastly looking. Helluva shot though)

- Kevin Bieksa is skeptical of everything he sees on "Ghost Hunters".

- Alex Edler plays with a rubber stick and uses wood condoms.

- Jannik Hansen takes things too literally sometimes. He is also from Denmark.

- Mason Raymond is actually 12 years old.

- Tanner Glass once voluntarily fought two bears during a Bruins game. He also wrote "Shawshank Redemption"

- Cody Hodgson still isn't Trevor Linden

- "Viktor Oreskovich" is actually Trevor Linden in disguise.

- Nobody really knows who Lee Sweatt is. That isn't some sort of philosophical observation. People actually don't know where he came from.

- Head Coach Alain Vigneault has the leagues best De Niro impression.

("Li'l Bit")

- They are all best friends.

So there you have it. An in depth look at each first round matchup for the 2011 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. It was very difficult to avoid bias while writing this, but as an impartial journalist (*cough* complete bullshit *cough*) I felt it necessary to catch anyone up to speed on what will be dominating my thoughts for the next few months. It's not my fault if 1 team is just way more interesting than any of the others. I tried to look up facts on all teams but under each one it just said "They exist". Well the Canucks not only exist, they also rule and one of them wrote "Shawshank Redemption". How do you not get behind a team like that?

(Picture this, only he is holding the Stanley Cup, which is slightly more important than freedom)

Thanks for Reading

- jB

No comments:

Post a Comment