Thursday, April 21, 2011

CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Blackhawks

So I plan on writing a lot about the Vancouver Canucks hockey team in the next few days weeks months as they continue their quest for the franchises first ever Stanley Cup championship. Now I also understand that a lot of you who read j.Bowman Can't Sleep could care less about something that means so much to me. First off, that hurts, okay? Secondly it's my blog and if I want to write about my beloved Canucks no man of woman born can stop me (I wasn't being sexist, I was quoting Macbeth to give this post more oomph because, honestly, Macbeth brings the oomph!). The blog changes seasonally. October is all about Thriller. December is about Christmas movies and April, May, June are about Canucks playoffs. In order not to alienate the many who read this thing and don't care, I will be prefixing all Canucks playoff posts with the "CanuckWatch 2011" title line. So feel free to skip them and tune in to your regularly scheduled nonsense on j.B.C.S. Or preferably, follow CanuckWatch 2011 and share in this frozen march to destiny with me. Cool? Cool.

So the Canucks were up 3-0 in the best of 7 series against the Chicago Blackhawks and everything was going awesomely. The Blackhawks eliminated us in the second round of the playoffs the last 2 seasons, so the opportunity for payback (and a 4 game sweep) tasted delicious. However in game 4 the Canucks were trounced 7-2, which apparently means Chicago gets to keep playing us. Game 5 is scheduled for tonight at 7pm in Van and I'd like to take this opportunity to maliciously slander the Blackhawks players with several facts* I have discovered about them since we lost 7-2 and I realized I had to see their stupid faces one more time. I will be using the same research tool I used when I discovered some interesting Canucks facts in my "One Sided NHL Playoff Preview", so you know these are legit**.

*Legally I have to say these might not be true but probably are.
** There is a slight chance they are not legit but they probably are.

The Unknown Secrets About the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks:

Jonathan Toews - Team Captain, Mr. Personality
Interesting fact: Was born without the ability to smile. Any photos of him smiling are photoshopped. Any video of him smiling is done by George Lucas' special effects company Industrial Light & Magic.

Patrick Kane - Mullet having, cabbie punching douchebag

Interesting fact: Doesn't know how to swim. Constantly has to wear water wings while in the pool and be supervised by an adult.

Marian Hossa - Bandwaggoning title hunter.

Interesting fact: Doesn't pick what team he is going to play for until the Conference finals.

Duncan Keith - Parents named him Duncan

Interesting fact: During last years Cup run, he lost 7 teeth and one fiance. She left him for a guy named Jeb who had slightly more teeth.

Brent Seabrook - Defenseman who loves to play looking at his skates the whole game.

Interesting Fact: Throws like a girl. A bored girl. A bored girl who likes the Cubs.

Corey Crawford - Goaltender who nobody heard of until just now.

Interesting Fact: Only 4'8. He wears lifts in his skates so nobody will laugh at him. Often has to protect his 5 hole (between his legs) AND his 6 hole (over the top of his head)

Vince Vaughn - Yeah, you're part of this too, buddy

Interesting Fact: Hasn't slept since Jurassic Park 2 opened. Also thought "Be Cool" was going to be a good movie.

Patrick Sharp - One of Chicago's 50 most beautiful. Mike Ditka is probably also on that list though.

Interesting Fact: Has turned down numerous sponsorship deals with Reebok, Nike, Shreddies and Underarmour because he wants to keep himself free as he futily waits for Maybelline to ask him.

Superindendant Hjalmarsson - Defenceman/School Superintendant

Interesting Fact: Has never won a fight in his entire life. Was constantly brutalized by his sisters growing up. His younger sisters.

Ben Smith - Who?

Interesting Fact: In the witness protection program. Real name is Stacy Lolitavich.

Michael Frolik - Apparently someone who exists

Interesting Fact: Is actually a botched clone of NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon. They took him out of the oven before he was done, hence the fact that his head size was stopped at 48% completion.

Viktor Stalberg - ......just watch the video.

Interesting Fact - Alergic to peanuts, oranges and Kevin Bieksa's fists.

Dave Bolland - Chicago's One Man Savior

Interesting Fact: Michelle Rodriguez is his favorite actress.

John Scott - Fucking Goof.

Interesting Fact: Hasn't read the NHL Rulebook because he can't read. Not even coloring books.

Chris Campoli - The lower bottom half of the barrel

Interesting Fact: Invented black licorice. (you son of a bitch! - jB)

The Chicago Blackhawks Ice Crew - Umm.....

Interesting Fact - I love you.

That's it for this special slanderous edition of CanuckWatch 2011. Game 5 starts shortly, Blackhawks facing elimination. Now that you know some more about that team, how could you bring yourself to cheer for them? I mean, black licorice? Really? I fucking hate these guys. Also, Patrick Kane loves grenades...

Thanks for Reading

- jB

1 comment:

  1. Vancouver Canucks - Whining Losers

    Interesting fact -They rioted after losing in the Cup Finals and destroyed their own city all while whining to the Refs. The Sedin sisters are actually aliens, Bieksa is still picking up his teeth after fighting Ben Eager (a real fighter, none of this Stalberg garbage, who has never fought in his life), and Alex Burrows is actually collecting Duncan Keith's hair which is the reason he pulls it all the time.