So the Canucks were up 3-0 in the best of 7 series against the Chicago Blackhawks and everything was going awesomely. The Blackhawks eliminated us in the second round of the playoffs the last 2 seasons, so the opportunity for payback (and a 4 game sweep) tasted delicious. However in game 4 the Canucks were trounced 7-2, which apparently means Chicago gets to keep playing us. Game 5 is scheduled for tonight at 7pm in Van and I'd like to take this opportunity to maliciously slander the Blackhawks players with several facts* I have discovered about them since we lost 7-2 and I realized I had to see their stupid faces one more time. I will be using the same research tool I used when I discovered some interesting Canucks facts in my "One Sided NHL Playoff Preview", so you know these are legit**.
*Legally I have to say these might not be true but probably are.
** There is a slight chance they are not legit but they probably are.
The Unknown Secrets About the 2011 Chicago Blackhawks:
Jonathan Toews - Team Captain, Mr. Personality
Interesting fact: Was born without the ability to smile. Any photos of him smiling are photoshopped. Any video of him smiling is done by George Lucas' special effects company Industrial Light & Magic.
Patrick Kane - Mullet having, cabbie punching douchebag
Interesting fact: Doesn't know how to swim. Constantly has to wear water wings while in the pool and be supervised by an adult.
Marian Hossa - Bandwaggoning title hunter.
Interesting fact: Doesn't pick what team he is going to play for until the Conference finals.
Duncan Keith - Parents named him Duncan
Interesting fact: During last years Cup run, he lost 7 teeth and one fiance. She left him for a guy named Jeb who had slightly more teeth.
Brent Seabrook - Defenseman who loves to play looking at his skates the whole game.
Interesting Fact: Throws like a girl. A bored girl. A bored girl who likes the Cubs.
Corey Crawford - Goaltender who nobody heard of until just now.
Interesting Fact: Only 4'8. He wears lifts in his skates so nobody will laugh at him. Often has to protect his 5 hole (between his legs) AND his 6 hole (over the top of his head)
Vince Vaughn - Yeah, you're part of this too, buddy
Interesting Fact: Hasn't slept since Jurassic Park 2 opened. Also thought "Be Cool" was going to be a good movie.
Patrick Sharp - One of Chicago's 50 most beautiful. Mike Ditka is probably also on that list though.
Interesting Fact: Has turned down numerous sponsorship deals with Reebok, Nike, Shreddies and Underarmour because he wants to keep himself free as he futily waits for Maybelline to ask him.
Superindendant Hjalmarsson - Defenceman/School Superintendant
Interesting Fact: Has never won a fight in his entire life. Was constantly brutalized by his sisters growing up. His younger sisters.
Ben Smith - Who?
Interesting Fact: In the witness protection program. Real name is Stacy Lolitavich.
Michael Frolik - Apparently someone who exists
Interesting Fact: Is actually a botched clone of NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon. They took him out of the oven before he was done, hence the fact that his head size was stopped at 48% completion.
Viktor Stalberg - ......just watch the video.
Interesting Fact - Alergic to peanuts, oranges and Kevin Bieksa's fists.
Dave Bolland - Chicago's One Man Savior
Interesting Fact: Michelle Rodriguez is his favorite actress.
John Scott - Fucking Goof.
Interesting Fact: Hasn't read the NHL Rulebook because he can't read. Not even coloring books.
Chris Campoli - The lower bottom half of the barrel
Interesting Fact: Invented black licorice. (you son of a bitch! - jB)
The Chicago Blackhawks Ice Crew - Umm.....
Interesting Fact - I love you.
That's it for this special slanderous edition of CanuckWatch 2011. Game 5 starts shortly, Blackhawks facing elimination. Now that you know some more about that team, how could you bring yourself to cheer for them? I mean, black licorice? Really? I fucking hate these guys. Also, Patrick Kane loves grenades...
Thanks for Reading