Tuesday, May 24, 2011

CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Sharks

The opportunity for me to waste a few minutes of your day by needlessly attacking another hockey team that finds itself up against the Vancouver Canucks is once more upon us. The beloved 'Nucks enter into a Best of 7 Series against the San Jose Sharks, the winner goes on to the Stanley Cup Finals and the loser goes back home to San Jose. As has become customary, I felt the need to show respect to that team for being worthy adversaries and making it an exciting series the only way I know how...

...with malicious and potentially false lies about them.

Welcome to CanuckWatch 2011: Slandering the Sharks (for the record, I know that slander is spoken and libel is written, but slander is a much better word so that is what me and the staff have decided to go with. Cool? Cool.)

 (Official logo of "CanucksWatch"....a Canucks watch)

The Origin

The San Jose Sharks were founded in 1991 by some dude named Howard Baldwin. Neither of those things had any connection with the single most important event of 1991: the release of "Terminator 2: Judgement Day".

(Everything that happened in '91 lives in the shadow of this)

Once the world recovered from having their asses handed to them by how awesome that movie is, they discovered they lived in a world where San Jose, California had a professional ice hockey team. Everyone else was just as surprised as that city was. The team was originally named the "Blades" after a "name the team" contest ran in a local paper, which I can only assumed was called "The San Jose Daily Indifference". The owners were concerned with the potential weapon-related association with the name "Blades" and decided to go with the runner up and something that couldn't be used for murder..."Sharks".

(Obviously they never saw this AMAZING picture. Seriously. Holy Shit!)

Now the Sharks were also named in inspiration of the large number of sharks that bomb around in the pacific ocean just off the coast in an area referred to as "The Red Triangle" and seven different varieties of sharks live there. Among them, the dreaded communist shark.

(Jaws: Loves plankton, hates James Bond)

Then a bunch of stuff happened, and the team was shitty and lost a lot of games but on the bright side, they are one of the few NHL teams that can claim to have the confusingly awesome goaltender Arturs Irbe play for them with his "garage sale pads of doom".

(It's almost like he made them himself in an Afghan cave like Tony Stark)

The Sharks eventually overcame their "perennial loser" stigma and through hard work and determination gained the reputation as "perennial chokers". They had the best team in the league a few times and were heavily favored to win the Stanley Cup more than once but eventually the fact that their entrance is akin to being vomitted up by a giant shark got in their heads and they fizzled out of the playoffs spectacularly year apres year. After all, if you're not good enough for a shark to shit out, how much confidence can you have?

Answer: none.

(Every year I wait for someone to come out dressed as a boot or a tin can)

Without any further delay, lets take a look at 2011's version of these diabolical chokejobs. Not "if" but "WHEN" Hollywood decides to make a movie about the Canucks' rise to awesomeitude, I have strong doubts any of the Sharks are talented enough to play their own roles. I've taken the liberty of casting that and any other NHL related films.


Joe Thornton
Nickname: Not-Burnaby Joe
Little Known Fact: Doesn't know what prime numbers are.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Rhys Ifans

(Joe Thornton is out of the lineup for game 5 due to...heroin)

Dany Heatley
Nickname: 15 Fast, 15 Furious
Little Known Fact: Can't drive stick.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Ferrari 360 Modena

Patrick Marleau
Nickname: Gutless
Little Known Fact: Unable to digest anything he eats...for obvious reasons
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Canadian wrestling legend Lance Storm

Logan Couture
Nickname: Midney Crosby
Little Known Fact: Clone of Sidney Crosby they took out of the oven midway through (too early!)
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Tom Cruise from "The Color of Money"

Kyle Wellwood
Nickname: Kid Shootout
Little Known Fact: Afraid of the dark.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Recording Artist / Lesbian K.D. Lang

Ben Eager
Nickname: The Blindside
Little Known Fact: After gm 2, Is currently STILL sitting in Vancouver's penalty box.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Kevin Bieksa (double role)

Devin Setoguchi
Nickname: The Knock Off
Little Known Fact: Hates CCR....just hates 'em.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Rufio

Joe Pavelski
Nickname: No, Pavelski
Little Known Fact: Cried during "Bring it On" when they brought it on.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Steve-O

Dan(ny) Boyle
Nickname: Sharkdog Millionaire
Little Known Fact: Is apparently NOT Oscar winning film director Danny Boyle...who is much better.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Mark Ruffalo

Jason Demers
Nickname: Puberty Beard
Little Known Fact: Has never shaved in his life.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Zach Braff

Antti Niemi
Nickname: Auntie Niemi
Little Known Fact: Beat the Canucks in the 2010 playoffs and foolishly didn't think justice would find him.
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Leonardo Dicaprio

Ryane Clowe
Nickname: E-Tard
Little Known Fact: Does not know how to spell "Ryan"
Portrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Brade-ly Cooper

Benn Ferriero
Nickname: Who the fuck is that guy?
Little Known Fact: Does not know how to spell "Ben"
Potrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Bob the Builder

Douglas Murray
Nickname: Chubbs
Little Known Fact: Favorite food is chocolate gold coins.
Potrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Ron f#%$ing Swanson

Marc "Mike"-Edouard Vlasic

Nickname: The Boy Wonder
Little Known Fact: Loves the wind.
Potrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: My good friend M. Jupp

Head Coach Todd Mclellan

Nickname: The Saddest Man on the Planet
Little Known Fact: Always looks like he needs a hug...because he does.
Potrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Jeremy Renner (if he lets himself go a little bit)

Tommy Wingles
Nickname: The Baddest Man on the Planet
Little Known Fact: Comes from a planet of total pussies
Potrayed in "NHL: The Movie" by: Ving Rhames

(Because of course he does)

Well that's it for the San Jose Sharks. Seriously, fuck those guys. And speaking of which, it just ain't the same slandering a team without giving some recognition to their "Ice Bitches".

(*24 Seconds of internet research)

So apparently I was unable to find any pictures of the Sharks "Ice Bitches" and I don't think they have them. That sucks! I mean, are they not interested in women or someth-


Well I guess they have their focus on something else: Getting pumped outta the playoffs by that big blue & green rolling ball of destiny: The Vancouver Canucks.

(Who by the way, LOVE the ladies. Look at them, chattin 'em up at the bench)

Also, this will continue to happen again and again until we're bored of it which will be NEVER!

Thanks for Reading
Go Canucks Go

- jB

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