Friday, September 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - September

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Links to Previous entries can be found HERE

Class of September 2011

Veggie Platters

This is where I establish my vibe at any party or catered event. If something is gonna go down, it goes down at the Veggie platter. They are colorful, always situated in an area that is prime for gathering and the veggies are always delicious. Some of them are, anyways, others are quite gross. (looking at you cauliflower!).

(You look like potatoes... but you aren't. And that's why I hate you)

Next time you are at a gathering, establish your vibe at the veggie platter. When someone comes to get themselves some celery, strike up a friendly conversation. If you succeed it not boring the person to the point where they awkwardly leave, more people will gravitate towards you and all of a sudden, you are at ground zero for the best vibed area at the party. The opposite sex might be that much more attracted to you because you have set up shop at the health junction and created the illusion you take good care of yourself. Unlike all those people at the cheese and cracker tray who are doomed to die childless and alone.

Wait a minute! HOW DID THEY GET FRUIT ON THEIR TEAM?! This is garbage. Totally unfair. Fruit is awesome. The only reason I didn't throw down for fruit platters is because they are obviously incredible. I had no idea they had teamed up with the Cheese & Cracker platter. Makes sense though. It needs the rub. Regardless, I'm sticking with veggie platters. They seriously need to dump cauliflower now though. Things have just escalated and the game has changed. They need potatoes!

Welcome to the Hall!

External Hard Drives

 (The key is a nice touch)

External hard drives are awesome. Depending on the size, you can hold days and weeks worth of music/movies/TV shows. It's comforting to know that we could essentially program our own TV network with something barely bigger than a wallet. I'm pretty sure Spike TV started with an external hard drive full of Godsmack, UFC fights and hundreds of pictures of boobs.

(There were probably some "Newsradio" episodes on there too)

But another reason the external hard drive is hall of fame worthy is that it's a great place to hide stuff. Everything has at least one thing on their computer they don't want anyone to see. Whether it be drunken pictures, saucy videos or in my case:

A word document full of nicknames I want to be called and plans to make each of them happen naturally.

They say you can't pick your own nicknames and I subscribe to that... to a point. I've got detailed schemes where the end result is people calling me things like "Magic", "Captain Boomtown" and "Pasty White Fight Night". That last one involves a very intricate plan, but if successful I imagine it would result in me and Conan O'Brien hosting a UFC recap show on Spike TV.

("The Lowercase Powderface" was also just added to the list)

Imagine the embarassment for me if someone found out that is what I spent 8 hours a day working on? As I said, everyone has something on their computer to hide (like that folder called "Tax Stuff 2009". Don't pretend it's not porn). Still not conviced external hard drives are amazing and IIHOF worthy? Here is a scenario: You've got a pretty impressive porn collection, and you wish to hide it. Which of these is more discreet:

The External Hard Drive?

 Or the big box of porn?

(Wait, why is there a Scully figure there? Ohhhhhhh... gross)

Pretty simple choice really. We live in a digital world now and what better way to show that than by getting rid of our classic "boxes o' porn" and movie to a sleeker more inconspicuous design. So long as they don't create a new logo for specific brands of external hard drives, we will all be okay.

(See that speck way back there? That's the point you missed!)

Welcome to the Hall.

Zippo Lighters

(The fact that this exists is enough to make me happy for minutes. Literally minutes)

I don't smoke. I also don't judge those that do. Everyone is free to do whatever they like within the confines of the law and in some rare cases, I'm totally okay with people acting outside the law for whatever reasons they have.

(Pictured: A free pass)

One of the reasons I secretely envy smokers is the fact that some of them get to carry around Zippo lighters, which are at an incredibly high level of bad assery. Everything from the varying designs to the flame consistency to the use of them in movies definitely make them a IIHOF inductee. I mean, just think about how sh*tty Die Hard would have been without the Zippo lighter?


Okay, bad example. Die Hard still would've been amazing, but imagine how lame this scene would've been with matches.

Also, playing with a Zippo lighter by opening the lid with a snap was listed as the "#1 Thing To Do With Your Hands When You Are Waiting For Someone" in the August issue of "This Never Happened" magazine. So there's that. Or you can just take a look at some cool Zippo tricks in this video that inexplicably also features a knife.

Welcome to the Hall.


Yeah that's right. I love violins (suck it, Cello!). They are the classiest instrument there is and can make any song sound dignified, dramatic and epic all at the same time. I would love to be able to play the violin, but alas, I'm lazy and I need to look at my fingers when I use them. Also, who doesn't love the bow they play with?

As a guy who LOVES covers of popular songs, I could spend hours posting video after video of sweet violin covers on youtube. It makes things seem so elegant. It reminds me of those hauty British dances where they each bow to their partners and do REALLY boring but very well choreographed moves (all of them appear to be just placing your hands together and walking in a circle)

Even if a song is an overplayed nightmare, all it takes to class it up is a little violin. Check out this guy!

(link to his youtube channel, he rocks)

To sum up, violins are amazing and a worthy inductee into the IIHOF. So much so that I think to close out this post we need some classy violin music. How about...


Welcome to the Hall.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

I am one of the first people that was on Twitter. Unfortunately the facts I have to back that up were on my external hard drive... which is now missing) @jbowmancouver

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