Blog Feud 2: j.Bowman vs. ?????

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

So starting with last month, I will be picking a blog on the internets (all of them) and challenging whoever writes it to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it. For the second official "Blog Off", having already defeated the Ultimate Warrior by having more courage, I formally challenge Fred Hatman!

Wait--Who?

Mr. Fred Hatman is a Blogger who writes on "fredhatman.co.za" while I write on blogspot (I love you blogspot, don't ever change). I searched high and low looking for someone to call out this month, and seeing as how this is the final post of 2010 (in no way is it January 10th, 2011) I stumbled across a blog title and I was none too pleased with what I had found:

Why Canada sucks and South Africa rocks (or 10 Reasons why a Vancouverite would rather live in Cape Town)! 

 

 ....Excuse me? I'd like to take this moment to point out that the woman who wrote the article, Dianne Russell, DID NOT put that title on. Mr.Hatman added that title when he posted her blog entry on his site. Trying to get someones attention? It worked, pal! It worked big time.

(V for Vendetta)

Here is the thing, when it comes to the content of the article, I got a problem with it (shocking, I know) but it's just one person's view. I'm aware I may honk for Vancouver and Canada a fair bit on this blog, but I won't drag another place through the mud in a comparison. That would be bogus. If you want to talk about how much you like South Africa, that's awesome. I have never been there and I hope to visit someday soon. She has apparently received a lot of backlash and negativity from both countries in response to her blog and some of that is on you, Fred Hatman. Her original article was called "10 Reasons Why A Vancouverite Would Rather live in Cape Town" which is fine. She has lived in both places, I haven't, so I can respect her opinion. But Mr. Hatman just couldn't resist poking the Vancouver Grizzly could he?

(Unlike our former NBA team, I will not fail spectacularly)

I did some minimal research on Fred Hatman, and I could not find any evidence of him living in Vancouver or Canada. He loves South Africa (which is totally cool) and he is self proclaimed "S.A. Positive" (pro-South Africa) but I would prefer if he would also come out as "V.C. Negative" if he's gonna take shots at the Maple Leaf Mafia. I don't like that title. Straight up. If you type the words "Canada Sucks" and then you don't even write an article to back it up, well then sir, you wind up on my radar (our military wasn't using it). 

 (Admiral Don Cherry was cool with me using it)


I love other countries and will never ever say that they suck without having been there. I wrote a post called "International Incident of Appreciation" back in November celebrating all of the awesome countries that for some reason have read this blog at one point or another and I plan on doing another one too. Hell, you know what? If the following countries were all women I would date them and treat them respectfully like they deserve: USA, South Africa, United Kingdom, Ireland, South Korea, Brazil, Denmark, France, Germany, Netherlands, Japan, India, Italy, Taiwan, Australia. I may hate a lot of things, but I would never drop a suck bomb on a country without provocation....except maybe Belarus.

(Booooooooooo!)

Even then, I would find something positive to say about them because there are positives and negatives to everything. I know some absolutely lovely people who live in Cape Town, South Africa and as I've said before I'd love to see it someday. Perhaps then we could have a gentlemenly discussion over a nice cold beer. Until then, we'll just have to settle our differences online in the blog arena, if your Vuvuzela is big enough (I kid, I kid).

Let's look at a comparison of the two hypothetical combatants in thie blog off (keep in mind I don't want to use Mr. Hatman's picture without his permission, so I've chosen another picture to represent him. I think I nailed it)

Fred Hatman

Height: Fluctuates based on the amount of hats he's wearing.
Weight: Fluctuates based on the amount of hats he's wearing.
Hometown: Pietermaritzburg, KwaZulu-Natal
Currently Resides in: Western Cape, South Africa
Favorite Cereal: No idea. Shreddies?
Distinguishing Accessory:  Army of hats
Finishing Move: Calling out a nation from the other side of the world.
Facebook Friends: 1331
Favorite Sport: Soccer?
Stance on Tom Waits: Pro-Tom Waits
Favorite Quote: "Life Happens while you're busy making other plans" (Lennon)
Loves his mum: I'd like to think so, yeah.
Favorite thing about Vaccuums: They suck.
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 0
Underneath his hat:  head
Favorite Song to Slowdance to: Unknown
Lazy Super Hero Alter Ego: Hat-Man

VS.

"The Bowmanada from Canada" j.Bowman

Height: 6'2  
Weight: 217 lbs
Hometown: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Currently Resides in: Canada, British Columbia, Vancouver 
Favorite Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Charms
Distinguishing Accessory: Giant Can of Molson Canadian Beer
Finishing Move: Pretending to hold the elevator, but actually pressing "door close".
Facebook Friends: 327 (Quality over quantity)
Favorite Sport: Hockey
Stance on Tom Waits: Incredibly anti-Tom Waits
Favorite Quote: "Who Knows? Quizno's!" (j.Bowman circa gr.12)
Loves his mum?: You know it.
Favorite thing about Vaccuums: That sound they make when they suck up pennies.
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 9
Underneath his hat: My sweet doo, "Coif-zilla"
Favorite Song to Slowdance to: Sam Cooke - I'll Come Runnning Back To You 
Lazy Super Hero Alter Ego: Bow-Man

(Bow-Man: Hates Crime, Loves "Garden State")

In the interest of fairness and good sportsmanship, I would like to plug his blog right now. Fredhatman.co.za. You can read the article that got me all up in a tizzy if you like. The article is fine and it seems that Diane Russell makes valid points. But this is about you and me Hat-man. You wanted to get a few hits, eh? Wanted people to notice your post, eh? Well someone did. Why don't you put your Rand where your keyboard is and accept my challenge to a blog off?  I'll put my loonie where my keyboard is (that's what we call our dollar by the way cause....we're silly). I've said my piece. You have 30 Days.
  
*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face. It's a duel)

You have been formally challenged. What say you, Fred Hatman?

Oh, by the way. The Vancouver Canucks are the #1 ranked team in the National Hockey League at the moment. Just thought I'd mention that....

("j.Bowmancouver")


HAPPY NEW YEAR, MON PEEPS!

Thanks for Reading

-jB

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

12 Days of Christmas Movies - It's a Wonderful Life

Spoiler Alert (I've done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and this post spoils it for you, it's your own damn fault)

This is it! Finally! "The 12th Day of Christmas Movies". I'm so happy. For the twelf movie in this series, I've decided to do something completely different than I had set out to do. I had originally intended on including "The Office Xmas Special" (BBC) on my list. I watch that every year around Christmas and it has what is probably one of my top 5 favorite television moments of all time in it. But I decided not to write about that. Well, I guess my mom decided that, indirectly. One of her favorite movies is "It's a Wonderful Life". I have seen probably about a thousand movies because of her but for some reason I escaped my childhood under her watch without ever seeing this. I wasn't so lucky when it came to "Sound of Music" (sorry mum). Year apres year I would set out to watch it but then one of the other 11 movies on this list would occupy my time and "It's A Wonderful Life" would get left out in the cold. I should also point out that I know all the words to several Barry Manilow songs just to give you an idea on how media in our house was imprinted into our heads. In case you weren't aware, he wrote the songs. This year, my mother decided enough was enough and she bought me the movie on bluray. In my life, I like to think that eventually I can take a hint (after about 12 rejections, I start to think maybe a girl isn't interested....maybe) so I decided that I would close this series out with a movie that is a "Christmas Classic" that I haven't seen before. I know she reads this blog and she has to put up with a lot of my swearing, so Merry Christmas, K.Bowman. Here is the final entry in the "12 Days of Christmas Movies" series.

It's A Wonderful Life

12 Days of Christmas Movies - A Christmas Story

Spoiler Alert (There, I've done my part. If you spoil the movie by reading this post it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" lumbers towards it's conclusion. We've gone through 10/12 so far and each one of them is a great movie. Except for you, "Jingle all the Way", take a step back. Day 11's movie is another one that establishes the legitimacy of this entire list with it's existence. I also want to point out that it is totally still December 2010 and in no way have I gone back in time to write this on January 10th, 2011. How could I do this series without including a Christmas movie juggernaut from the early 80s? Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, The movie of day 11 is so awesome it'll jump off the screen and take your eye out.

A Christmas Story

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Christmas Vacation

Spoiler Alert (I've done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and this post spoils it for you, it's your own damn fault) 

 "12 Days of Christmas Movies" just won't die. This post puts me into the double digits with the end almost in sight. What started out as a celebration of holiday cheer has now become a burden of yuletidiness. However I must continue, if for no other reason than there are a few movies left that deserve to be treated with some respect. I will tell you right now, if I was 10 in the can and I hadn't done "Jingle All The Way" and "The Nightmare Before Christmas" I would just say fuck it and retitle all of these posts "10 Days of Christmas Movies". There are some gems left, and I can't forget about them so Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, Day 10's movie set the amatuer recreational saucer sled land speed record.

Christmas Vacation

12 Days of Christmas Movies - The Nightmare Before Christmas

 Spoiler Alert (I've done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and this post spoils it for you, it's your own damn fault) 

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" will be done by the end of today if it kills me. There it is. Technically it is January 8th, however I have figured out how to change the posting date on these things, so I'm still able to cheat time and slide these guys into December where they belong. It is like a really shitty version of time travel. I have a lot to get into from January already, so I vow to complete what I started today....on December 31st (WINK!). I haven't vowed to do anything in like 8 years, so you know I'm serious. Without any further delay, Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, What's This? What's this? The movie of Day 9:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Scrooged

Spoiler Alert (I've done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and this post spoils it for you, it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" trudges on, even though it is technically after New Years. And by technically, I mean actually. But I don't really care. I started this thing, and I don't care if it takes me until next Christmas, I'm gonna finish it. I guess I will give myself until E-Day to get the remaining 5 films posted. If you are wondering what "E-Day" is, it's the day the last batch of Egg Nog expires. As far as I'm concerned, that is the TRUE end of the holiday season. This year for Christmas I received the gift of justification. Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, put a little love in your heart as I present to you the movie of Day 8:

Scrooged

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Jingle All The Way

Spoiler Alert. (I have done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and reading this ruins it for you it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" continues....still. It's has been 7 days since Christmas, so it makes sense that day seven's movie is posted today. None of the ones have been "bad" movies so far, but today is a little different. I watch this movie every year without fail and it's pretty messed up and insane. Sometimes Christmas needs a little of that. Ladies, Gentlemen, and the fine people of Denmark, What time is it? Turbo Time!

Jingle All The Way

Follow Up: Where I Sat For Christmas Eve Dinner.

Mon peeps, what is up? A few weeks ago I wrote a post about frustration and anger over a very trivial and minor slight. I have never written anything like that before, so I understand if you were taken aback by it.

(26 Seconds of blog research)

Oh, turns out that is the majority of what I write about. I'm fine with it though, and you're reading this so you must be cool with it too. The SPECIFIC post I'm referring to has a pretty self explanatory title. Here is the link to "My 6 Point Plan To Sit At The Grown-up Table".

Until yesterday, this was the most viewed post in "j.Bowman Can't Sleep's" illustrious history. I'm assuming "illustrious" means pointless. Even though the post has been dethroned by John McClane (12 Days of Christmas Movies: Die Hard) it's minor significance carried over, past Christmas and many people have been asking me the $4.26 question:

"j.Bowman, did you get to sit at the grown-up table?"

An excellent and affordable question (oddly enough the .50 question is "who is the shittiest rapper?"). I got tons of support from some of you and I got texts, emails, facebook notifications and even a phone call from the Netherlands (M.Laverman is a king among men). I have since promised you all that I would write an update, and unless we are dating, I keep my promises! I appreciate all of your help and support and it is with GREAT PLEASURE that I respond to the above question with......

12 Days of Christmas Movies - The Ref

Spoiler Alert (I have now done my part. If you read this post and accidently spoil the movie for yourself it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" reaches the halfway mark. This is very exciting news if you have nothing really going on in your life. There have been some classics so far, but for Day 6 I'm going to choose another movie I watch every Christmas that is kind of obscure. Not that nobody knows about it, it's just that there is rarely any mention of it when it comes to must-watch Christmas films. I've watched it every year for the last 13 years and I will continue to watch it until a movie knocks it out of the top 12. Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark AND the United Kingdom, The movie of Day 6 is the crude Christmas movie before it was cool.

The Ref

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Home Alone

Spoiler Alert. (I've done my part, if you read on and the movie gets spoiled for you it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" continues on...December 28th. Yeah, well as far as I'm concerned it's still the Christmas season for another couple of days and regardless, this will still be a relevent list next year (until I add "Green Lantern" to the list. June 17th 2011. Brightest Day). The movie for day 5 is a god damn classic, and I'm willing to engage in fisticuffs with anyone who dares disagree with that. This movie, along with Wayne's World, are two films that I LOVED as a kid but there was tons of jokes and stuff I didn't get when I was 6. As I've matured gotten older, I've noticed more and more subtle, awesome and kind of fucked up things about them. So with that, Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, I present to you Day 5's movie. "This is it, don't get scared now".

Home Alone

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Love Actually

Spoiler Alert. (I've done my part, if the movie gets spoiled for you now it's your own fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" soldiers on. It's not gonna let a minor detail like the fact that Christmas is over until next year derail it. It can't be held down because...nobody demands it. After going slightly more obscure with "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas" we are back on track with movies you probably expect representation from. Still have some unconventional choices coming. Ladies, Gentleman, and the good people of Denmark, Day 4's movie teaches us if you look hard enough you'll find that Love Actually is a must-watch each Christmas

Love Actually

12 Days of Christmas Movies - A Very Sunny Christmas

Spoiler Alert.

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" continues with the Day 3 selection. This is a relatively new one, as it was released last year and might not be known to a lot of people. It is a Christmas special for (in my opinion) one of, if not the, funniest show on TV. Ladies, Gentleman, and the good people of Denmark, Day 3's movie is brought to you by the ghosts of Christmas selfishness, vanity and stupidity.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas.

Mall of Duty: Shopping Warfare

(Now that I have your attention....)

It all starts with "Black Friday". I had wanted to type that in black to further emphasize it, but then it would be invisible. Like this curse word which I will be converting to black......fuckbag. Christmas eve is now here and there are sure to be plenty of dangerous, panicked lunatics trolling around the malls looking for last minute gifts.

(Bed, Bath and Beyond Thunderdome)

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Elf

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" continues with a heartwarming tale in the grand tradition of ostracizing someone just because they are different until they prove their worth and then they get to nail Zooey Deschanel. If you haven't seen this movie, go watch it now, it's Christmasy. After watching it, feel free to read the rest of the post. Ladies, Gentleman and the fine people of Denmark, Day 2's movie is one not even the Central Park Rangers could stop from being released....

ELF

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Die Hard

According to my Calendar, and the music that plays wherever I go, it's Christmas time (or as it's called on the streets, "Xmas time"). There are certain things that are as much a part of Xmas as some fat dude confusing the steps to a successful home invasion (you are supposed to take things, not leave things). One thing that I think of when I think of Xmas is the music, but I will get to that. Another thing that reminds me of Xmas is the shopping, but I will get to that too. These 12 posts will be dedidcated to something else I love about Xmas:

The Movies.

These posts will probably (hopefully) be a bit shorter than everything else I write about. They will be small tributes to the 12 Films/Specials that I watch every year to psyche myself up for the holidays.There may be spoilers. I can think of no better way to start, then with a bang, a boom and a yippee ki-yay from my all time favorite Xmas movie:

DIE HARD.

(The "awesome per minute" ratio is off the charts)

Why Me And The Man Who Drives The #332 Bus Will Never Be Friends

(It's like the Thunderdome....only on wheels)

I dig the bus. It's no secret. There is this stigma around riding on the bus that I don't understand. I'd blame the movie "Speed" if it wasn't so god damn charming. I'll admit, it has it's disadvantages (asking a date to wait for me on the side of the road with exact change is a hard sell sometimes all the time). But there are some awesome things about the bus too. I think about a lot of nonsense that makes it's way onto the blog on the bus. My mind wanders. Would you want me driving around while my thoughts drift off into wondering if The Ultimate Warrior sprained his courage and is ducking my challenge to a "blog off"? No you would not. It would also be unsafe for me to drive around while reading Green Lantern comics, but on the bus I'm free to peruse them while trying very hard to fight off the throngs of women that ask me questions about Green Lantern (the first time that happens will be the greatest brightest day of my life)

(Yeah, so....I'm gonna have to marry you)

Another reason I dig the bus is I see crazy shit all the time. You ever seen an incredibly drunk old man give tips to a socially awkward teenager on how to solve a Rubiks Cube....at 9 am? I saw that shit a month or so ago. It was incredible. I see fights, arguments, crackheads.....junkies.....tweakers....and smelly people. If you are wondering how I can "see" smelly people, trust me, they are THAT smelly. Sometimes I myself get involved in altercations and defend people based on my willingness to stand up for whats right and my proximity to my destination. If I'm more than 2 blocks from my stop, I don't do shit. However, the other night something went down and I got into a verbal throwdown with the motherfuckerist of motherfuckers (sorry about the language mum, but this guy was a piece of shit). Here is what went down:

So I'm riding the bus a few blocks up the road to my apartment after work. It's not a long walk, but I'm dealing with an ankle injury so if I can help it, I don't walk long distances. When I first met my foe, everything seemed normal. Little did I know a big pile of douchebag was right below the surface of his stupid face. I don't have a picture of him, so this will have to do:

(Idiot. Everyone knows if you fight a bear, use a hockey stick)

So the bus system or bus protocol is not a tough thing to wrap your head around. You see your stop coming up, you pull the cord (I fucking hate it when someone pulls it before I do), a sign at the front of the bus lights up and a bell dings signalling the driver that he should stop soon and let people off the bus. Very basic stuff. The driver of the #332 the other night decided to put his own spin on things and as a result, served me up some piping hot injustice. I had my headphones in (as I always do whenever....I'm out in public) and the bus was coming up to my stop. Some lady beat me to the cord pull cause I was distracted by some hot jams coming from my ipod. The bus blows past our stop, then the driver slows down. I pause my tunes in case he cared to elaborate on why he failed at the most important part of his job, letting people off the bus. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he didn't stop cause he saw a g-g-g-g-ghost?

(Terrible bus drivers, every single one of them)

As the driver slows down, roughly 20 yards past where he was supposed to stop, he shouts to the back door

"Did you want that stop or the next one?"

The woman standing near me shouted "Next one". I shouted "I actually wanted that one, back there".

I know everyone involved spoke english so imagine my surprise when he just kept....on...driving. The next stop is like 3 blocks away and this time, Andretti decides to actually come to a complete stop to allow us off the bus (had he gone through to another stop I think we woulda had a "tuck and roll" situation). Now, I could either exit through the back door and let it slide, or I could decide to take my cues from John Cusack's filmography.

(When given the choice, go Cusack on somebody)

The following is the conversation I had with this dickface as I inquired as to why he was the way that he was:

(As usual, j.Bowman is in green)

You know, I wanted that stop back there.

Why didnt you yell?

I wasnt aware I had to yell in addition to the bell chiming and the sign lighting up

That's why I slowed down and asked if you wanted this stop or the next one

But why would you slow down though? It is a "stop".

I slowed down and asked though

Irrelevant. Are you going to slowly roll through every stop and only come to a complete stop when someone yells that they would like to exit the bus?

Well you shoulda said something, you probably had your headphones in and werent paying attention

I actually did yell.

No you didnt

You asked "Did you want this stop or the next one?" the woman said next one and I yelled for the one you passed.

No you didnt.

Do you want me to poll the people on the bus? Cause I'm guessing you are the only one who didnt hear it and you arent even wearing headphones. Besides, you didnt ask until you had already passed the stop

But I had slowed down

Are you not supposed to slow down enough so the bus stops moving completely at the designated stops?

Next time you should yell louder.

Next time, EAT A DICK!

He then closes the door and calls me a prick before pulling away. I guess he gets antsy whenever the bus stops moving. As it drives off some little shitbag flips me off from the back of the bus, which is horrible because by the time you realize what's happened, they've already won. I don't know what that kids problem was. The bus driver botched his job, I called him on it, he tried to justify his ineptitude and I held my ground. Just as I'm sure someone else who fights the little battles would do.

(WWLDD)

Keep in mind this is the second one of these "non-friend forever" declarations I've made on the blog. Before it was "Why Me and the Lady Who Serves Me Chicken Strips at Safeway Will Never Be Friends". This night was another one of these fued moments. I began the long walk back to my building, and I was pretty ticked (sorry about the language). With every step my feet were saying bull, shit, bull, shit. I was fired up. Didn't help that Stone Cold Steve Austin's music came on my ipod shuffle at the time. Amidst all the anger and frustration, I noticed something else.

The woman who was also the cause of all of this (I'm aware it isnt her fault, I'm just comedically mad at her) ends up walking all the way down the street 3 blocks until I get to my street and she goes into a house like 15 yards from where the initial bustop was (the one that was skipped). Clearly not someone who should've been put in charge of deciding what stop would be best.

Lets look at some other professions if they lived in a world where this bus driver's rules apply:

Doctor - Yeah, I opened up his chest cavity, but he didnt say anything, so I just closed him up...and that's why his appendix burst. He shoulda said something.

Waiter - I walked by with his food and slowed down, but he didn't say anything so I just kept going and threw it in the trash. He shoulda said something.

Safari Guide - Yeah, I probably should'nt have run over that zebra. He shoulda said something.

In closing, He put one over on me. There is no hope for us and no turning back. What's done is done. He has gotten in between me and something awesome and it is for that reason, and his stupid face, that I declare:

Me and the guy who drives the #332 bus will never be friends!

You probably couldn't tell from reading it, but I shouted that towards the heavens from the roof of my building.

So mad was I after this that upon arriving at home, I decided to cancel my historic, months old tradition of a "post work 5 minute dance party". There was no dancing on this night my friends. But tomorrow was another day.

Thanks for reading

-jB

If you enjoyed, feel free to stop by the "j.Bowman Can't Sleep kinda official Facebook page" and drop a "LIKE" bomb. Once I get to 100 likes, I will be having a special "6 minute mo-town dance party". Don't you want to be responsible for such an awesome thing? Yes. Yes you do.

Peninsula of Misfit Toys pt.1: The 1980s

It says "Peninsula", get your minds out of the gutter. "Island of Misfit Toys" is copyrighted and I don't want a lawsuit for Christmas so I changed the well known phrase with "Peninsula" which is no way should be confused with that other word (the anatomy one). They are two drastically different things, okay? A peninsula is a landmass surrounded by water but still connected to the land and has absolutely nothing in common with--

 (....)

Well, fuck. I'm not changing the title, cause it's all the way up there ^ so I'm just gonna leave it as is and hopefully we can all act like adults and move on.

So nobody point out how much this thing looks like a dink, okay?

What the hell happened to you, Christmas toys? You used to be cool. You used to be guns that turned into robots...who had guns (inside those guns? more guns). Like Megatron down there. If he was underneath your tree on Christmas morning, it is for one reason: He wanted to be there. Your parents Santa had no say in the matter. He was a badass toy and he ran shit. That's how he handled his business.

 (If you pull the trigger while he is in gun mode....does he like it?)

I was at the store the other day buying a chicken (all my best stories start out that same way) and I saw a Christmas toy that is for some reason super popular this year. The size of the display for this thing was staggering and it took a lot of time out of my chicken shopping trying to piece together exactly what the hell they were. Just to be sure, I did exhaustive research when I got home (20 minutes of wikipedia followed by watching "Speed" on bluray. So good) Before I get to letting you know what this toy was, I figured I would take a look back and try and find out when they got shitty. Oh, and if you're wondering how Speed turned out, it turned out great for....almost everyone. (spoiler alert, although if you haven't seen Speed we need to hang out)



(YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Now I can't speak for the 70s gifts or anything earlier, because I hadn't decided to exist yet (even so I was on the fence about it in the mid 80s but my mum and...well, gravity, decided it would be best for me to be a thing). In hindsight, that worked out pretty good for me. Existing is awesome. I get to hang out with monpeeps, watch movies, play hockey and eat cinnamon buns. You can't put a price on that. Apparently Cinzeo disagrees with me, but my letter writing campaign for free Cinnamon Buns should yield positive results.

(Capitalist bastards)

If it's alright with you I'm going to make some "uneducated guesses" as to what the top 3 gifts were for the 50s 60s and 70s.

50's:

1. A box of cigars

2. Canadian rye whiskey

3. A smack in the mouth if you got out of line

60's:

1. Peace

2. Love

3......"we forgot"

70's:

1. Bell bottom jeans

2. Cocaine

3. Bay City Rollers records

Okay, so we've established a Christory for pre-80s gifts. By the way, I regret trying to combine the words "Christmas" and "History" and then subjecting you all to my magnificient failure that just happened. I promise I will never use that word again. Don't let the fact that I opened with a dick joke fool you, I hold the entire staff here at "j.B.C.S." to incredibly high standards of taste and decency.

The 80's and 90's were the shit. Lets take a look at the 80s by year

1980 - Rubiks cube. Helped me learn such valuable motor skills such as...how to peel off stickers and put them back on by color, in order to impress my parents.

(They set me up for success from the beginning, though)

1981 - Lego Train. Holy shit, what? A functioning toy train made out of Lego? Man, I built a Lego castle once and cut tons of corners because I don't believe in instruction manuals (check my entertainment unit for confirmation of this). I cut corners on the castle and at worst comprimised some perimeter defenses. You cheat at Lego train, Lego people will die. And that block blood will be on your hands.

(There were many results for "lego massacre", how could I not use this one?!)

1982 - BMX Bikes - Until youtube, I have difficulting seeing the relevance of these in my life. Now though, if I ever need to see a douchebag (or 60) take a tumble, I have 1982 to thank.

1983 - My Little Pony. Fuck yeah! "This shit was rules" One of the more bad ass of the 80s xmas toys, MLP dominated Christmas. Fizzy and Galaxy were the leaders. They went to war with another toy that xmas and soundly defeated it in sales and awesomeness. Sorry He-Man, you just lost to a bunch of horses who kinda look like strippers.

(pictured: "Hores")

1984 - Care Bears. And the hits just keep on coming! Although Trivial Pursuit was the top selling board game this year (and the cause of many domestic disputes) 1984 belonged to the Care Bears (only the cause of a few domestic disputes). Ironically I couldn't care less about most of them (see what I did there? Me idiot). As far as I'm concerned the rest of the Care Bears can go fuck themselves, there was one who stood head and shoulders above the rest.

(Grumpy Bear: "Straight up not givin' a fuck" since 1984)

1985 - Transformers. For years I carried on thinking that they were robots in plain sight. Oh, how wrong I turned out to be. Turns out, they are robots IN DISGUISE. Which makes a lot more sense then what I thought. Although they've had a rough go of it in terms of decent live action movies they were the shit as cartoons and toys. My one sentence review for the first live action movie: "They certainly did transform, and nobody can take that away from them", and for the second: "Uhh...what?"

(No matter what form this is in, if a girl sees it you are not getting laid)

1986 - Panini Football Stickers. Seperately, I like all these things. But by "football" they mean soccer and by "stickers" it seems they mean trading cards and by "Panini" they do not seem to mean delicious oven grilled sandwiches, so I'm not really a fan of this one. So I'm gonna give this spot to He-Man because I feel a little bit of pity for him when I think about how much more awesome MLP was. HOLY SHIT! I didn't know these existed but they surely represent balance and harmony. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the HE-MAN and SKELETOR MY....LITTLE....MUTHAFUCKIN' PONIES!

(Holy....)

(...shit!)

1987 - "Rubik's Magic" was the hot ticket this year. It was a follow up to the Rubik's Cube, which left us all with tons of unanswered questions like...why would anyone play with this? Rubik's Magic seems overly elaborate, needlessly complicated and in no way fun. It is the "Pirates of the Carribbean Sequels" of Christmas toys.

(I'm guessing none of this shit makes any sense and takes 4 hours of your life)

Did I just reference "Pirates of the Carribbean"? GUESS WHAT I FOUND!

(I wonder how whoever made this washes their hands with all that "time" that's on them?)

1988 - Ghostbusters. Who you gonna call? j.B.C.S. hall of famer Ernie Hudson (Winston Zeddemore), that's who! No matter what the situation, he should be the one you contact immediately. If Spengler picks up the phone, you tell him to fuck off and put Winston on. And if anyone every disrespects his contribution and simply refers to him as "the black Ghostbuster", have your fist "cross the streams" to hit them in the face.

(In this scene, a bunch of ghosts are about to get fucked up...badly)

1989 - Well look who had the top selling Christmas items in 1989. Take a bow, gorgeous!

(nothing babes like more than a car with rocket launchers, right?)

In the summer of '89 two things happened. "Batman" descended onto theatre screens (that's right, descended!) and Bryan Adams refused to re-write "Summer of '69" to commemorate such an event. There was Batman shit EVERYWHERE. Not even the breakfast table was free of his crusade on crime.

(Tastes like justice!)

There was no product that wouldn't embrace the Batsignal that year. And I mean that. Everyone was getting in on the fun. In fact, I think I'm going to answer a question of yours before you even ask it. The answer to the question is: "Oh yes he did".

 (Still drives the car, though)

My Little Pony - Batman. Altogether now "Oh no he didn't" and I feel that I should say it again, for the people in the cheap seats: Oh yes he did. Greatest...find....ever.

So that wraps up Part 1 of 3 in the "Peninsula of Misfit Toys" series. Next up I will be making stupid comments about some of the more popular xmas toys of the 1990's, so if you are dissappointed to not see "Tickle Me Elmo" on the list (or as it should be called, "babies first sexual harassment suit") worry not, I will get to it eventually before the 25th. It is a busy month at j.Bowman Can't Sleep, but it's not like there is stuff I have to do from Midnight - 7 am.

In closing I want to say thanks to all you fine people who read and commented on my last post: "My 6 Point Plan to Sit at The Adult Table". It has absolutely destroyed my other posts in terms of views ("7 Days of Bullshit Horroscopes" took it really hard and won't stop crying) and I really appreciate all the feedback and "likes" and forwarding people have done. I will gladly read any of your blogs in the future and show you the same support. With this new one, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" turns 40 posts old. It was a bit of a dick as a kid, then after some awkward teen years it found some purpose and a groove in it's 20-30s, I look forward to the blogs forthcoming "mid-life crisis". Most future posts will be about sports cars, broken dreams and how much I like blogs that are only 20 posts old (ain't nothing but a number, people!).

As a special treat and an extra thanks to everyone, I've searched for and found some more insane My Little Ponies. Enjoy:

(NOTE: I originally was only gonna put like 4 of 'em but I just kept finding more and more awesome mods and I want them all to get a showcase. I think you'll all agree these are awesome. Well, one of them I hate, but I appreciate the detail)

Like all great things, this should end with Mr. T.

Thanks for reading

-jB

Head over to the j.Bowman Can't Sleep Facebook Page and if you feel so inclined, give 'er a "like". Please help me in my battle to show my mom I'm not wasting my life. You could make a difference. Yes, you!