Sunday, September 5, 2010

Why me and the lady who serves chicken strips at Safeway will never be friends.

I love me some chicken strips
. I do not care who knows it. I order them all the time and some of those times are on dates, which girls that I know have advised me not to do (some of those girls being the person I'm on the date with). I'm not apologizing for being a big chicken strips guy. Get some honey mustard sauce on those fuckers? Ain't nothing better.

(j.Bowman's food porn)

So it would stand to reason that anyone who gets between me and my "poulet de shamedance" (I'm pretty sure that is French for "strip") is automatically declared a "Life Villain" and I will do whatever necessary to make sure that one day, if given the opportunity, ima make you hurt.

Which brings me to you: lady at Safeway who doles out the C-strips. I don't know what kind of injustice you think I put you through, but I'm almost positive we've never met before last week. Now our fates are intertwined as the world will not be at balance until one of us is no more. That may be a bit overdramatic, so I will simplify it by phrasing it as a bus driver would:

Where do you get off?

I walked into the local Safeway by my work, looking for an alternative lunch/dinner option. Apparently eating Blizzards from Dairy Queen several times a day only satisfies the cookie dough portion of the four food groups (Vegetables, Cookie Dough, Dairy aka Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, anything from the left side of the menu at IHOP). Speaking of IHOP, I hadn't seen there spokesperson Cliff in anything in a while, so I checked to see if he was still alive, turns out not only is he alive, he has a smooth Christmas album.

(You know what's under his tree? Pancakes and four different syrups.)

Now, I had decended upon the local Safeway, and after perusing their food selection I saw that they offered a "Chicken Strips and Potato Wedges" special for $3.99 (with a bottle of water!). This was going to be the dawn of a new day for me. Sadly, I was completely right. So, the first time I got them, a dude gave them to me and everything was fine. They came in a nice plastic container that, when opened, the lid provides a decent area in which I can get a pool of plum sauce for dipping in place. They had no Honey Mustard and the plum sauce is in tiny packets, but there is nobody guarding the packets so I always just go to town on them and fill up a bag. I don't know how many I'll need, but running out is a fear I'm not man enough to face.

Now, I hadn't yet encountered my foe. She was presumably charging up her bitch powers and throwing darts at a picture of me in her lair somewhere. It was August 31st when we had our first showdown. Something about that day has been a curse for me the last several years. 2010 was no different.

I asked her for the chicken strip special, politely, and she said "okay". I could've asked for it then commented on how evil she seemed just from looking at her, but I figured that would be rude so I just asked for my food. She has about 5 strips to choose from, she gives me 2 semi-ok ones and then with the final strip, makes a definitive choice that set off a chain reaction that will end with one of us in jail. She looked me dead in my eyes and selected THE SHITTIEST chicken strip I've ever seen. It was like the Rudy of chicken strips only this fucker never would've made it into Notre Dame.

(We both faced incredible adversity in our lives. Only I did it while taller)

It was small and curved and mostly batter. There was barely any chicken on it. Calling it a chicken strip would be like calling "Footloose" a documentary on small town legislature. One of my friends (and one of the 4 people who read this thing) suggested that maybe it was an honest mistake and she just randomly grabbed one and served it to me.

He wasn't there. He didn't see what I saw. She looked me in my eyes and made a choice.

So I fumed and tweeted about this direct blow to my manhood whilst attempting to eat this, the shittiest chicken strip of them all, and I could not for the life of me figured out why she hated me so much. I've got a mean looking face, sure, but I try to make up for it with playful, engaging hand gestures. From now on this will be the only playful hand gesture I send her way:

("Don't let the smiley fool you. I hate everything you stand for")

So you are probably asking yourself "When was the last time I listened to Madonna's "Like a Prayer"?.....also, isn't j.Bowman overreacting a bit to an isolated incident"? First of all, Like a Prayer is the shit. Go listen to it right now. I'll wait...................pretty good eh? One of the premiere songs about blowies in music history. As for the "isolated incident"? Me and this thunderbitch ain't done.

Fastforward to September 4th. Actually, nobody fastforwards anymore so "scene selection: September 4th". I walked into Safeway, hoping she was off and I'd get treated like a decent human being. She was there, arrogantly standing behind that counter, just waiting to fuck with me. I walked up and asked her for the special, and she shockingly said "If you want, you can wait for a few minutes, these strips have been here for a while, there will be new ones out soon". I was fucking stunned. My voice almost cracked when I asked "how long?" due to being in such shock. She said "5 minutes". I thought I heard her use an anti-pale slur under her breath but I couldn't be sure.

(Do not call a pale person "Powder". That's like our n-word.)

I wanted to believe that we could change and learn to live as equals. She took a big dump on my dreams of equality minutes later. 8 minutes later to be exact. So first off, she is a damn liar. She told me 5 minutes. And I KNOW that there is a timer on the chicken strip machine. I can see it from my side of the counter. So after standing around like a dick for 3 extra minutes, she hooks me up with some new strips and gives me my food in a "to go" bag. I hadn't asked for one but I was heading back to work so I wanted to believe she anticipated my needs. Turns out it was just another part of her nefarious plan to ruin my life.

I got back to my office and discovered: THERE WAS NO PLASTIC CONTAINER FOR MY STRIPS AND POTATO WEDGES!!!. They were just randomly thrown in the bag and were just kinda smushed together at the bottom of it! It looked like a shitty food orgy. I took my attention off this woman for 2 goddamn seconds and she pulled that shit. Unreal. So now I had a dilemma cause I had no plates or containers or anything to put the food or my plum sauce on. Dinner was fucked. I didn't go back to the store to get one, which you probably already know because had I gone back, it would've been on the news that night. I made a makeshift plate using a plastic bag I had gotten from Safeway days prior, and by carefully folding the "to go" bag she had given me, I made a "plum sauce trench" that I used for my dipping needs. It was less than ideal:

(Pictured L-R: Unnecessary, Bullshit)

She has put one over on me twice already. There is no hope for us and no turning back. What's done is done. She has gotten in between me and something awesome and it is for that reason, and her stupid face, that I declare:

Me and the lady who serves chicken strips at Safeway will never be friends!

You probably couldn't tell from reading it, but I shouted that towards the heavens from the roof of my building.

Thanks for reading


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