Friday, December 31, 2010

12 Days of Christmas Movies - The Nightmare Before Christmas

 Spoiler Alert (I've done my part. If you haven't seen this movie and this post spoils it for you, it's your own damn fault) 

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" will be done by the end of today if it kills me. There it is. Technically it is January 8th, however I have figured out how to change the posting date on these things, so I'm still able to cheat time and slide these guys into December where they belong. It is like a really shitty version of time travel. I have a lot to get into from January already, so I vow to complete what I started today....on December 31st (WINK!). I haven't vowed to do anything in like 8 years, so you know I'm serious. Without any further delay, Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, What's This? What's this? The movie of Day 9:

The Nightmare Before Christmas

The Plot According to j.Bowman:
"Sad skeleton is dissatisfied with his life, sings a lot about it and shamelessry rips off someone elses culture". How that wasn't the tagline for this movie, I'll never know. The main plot centers around the aformentioned skeleton, aptly named Jack Skellington. One could only assume the name "Bones Marrow" was already taken.
("Skell Eaton" would've been just too damn stupid)

The movie starts with a big musical number called "This is Halloween". As far as being a relevant Christmas movie goes, this movie is already blowing it. Hell one of the first images we see is a jack o'lantern (Skellington's Irish cousin?) Strung up like a certain religious figure, which is kind of Christmasy I guess. Although I always thought it was messed up because based on what we see, that thing is probably alive and has the shittiest job in the "This is Halloween" musical number.

("This is Bullshit")

So we sweep through "Halloweentown" and each character gets a line in the song. It is a pretty quick way to introduce us to some of the players. We've got vampires, werewolves, witches...things that are under stairs. Almost all the townspeople get it on it. It makes me think about how great every movie would be if they started out with a thematic musical number. Inception would probably have theirs done by Bjork.

(Bjork: known for her odd wardrobe almost as much as her music)

After the big musical number the Mayor hands out Halloween awards. In Halloween town. That'd be like having the hipster awards in downtown Vancouver. People would win, but nobody would care enough to accept their awards.

("Pfft, whatever")

The first award went to the Vampires for "Most Blood Drained in an evening". I really thought it was the Werewolf's year this time.

("It was an honor to be nominated. I'm gonna kill so many people next year")

So after the awards the celebration they've spent all year preparing for continu- Oh, wait- What? Oh. Actually, it's over. That's it. Hold on, so THAT was their big halloween they spent all year preparing for?! How long did it take those fuckers to learn the song and the choreography?! And do they even scare each other? There is nobody in town but monsters! Wouldnt it stop being scary by like November 9th? Seeing a werewolf buying groceries would really take away from his scaring ability.

 (Unless you had to ball against one)

During the celebration, Jack Skellington is dubbed "The Pumpkin King". This may be because he got the most elaborate entrance during the musical number (he'd fit right in with the Miami Heat). I also didn't realize Halloweentown was a monarchy. Interesting. Jack however is bored with Halloween. So bored that he wanders off during the awards (which I should point out are super political) and he goes to his favorite spot to have a think.

 (I feel a sad song coming....)

Sally, who is the only thing close to an attractive female in town (even though she's made up from parts of other people) overhears Jack singing a sad song about how he hates his life. Now I know why shitty emo bands get laid. The power of whining through song can not be underestimated.

 ("The Incredible Sulk")

After his song, Jack goes for a long walk in the woods. Do not try this! Normally all you'd get from it is kidnapped and/or murdered. However because this a kids movie (is it?) he winds up at a bunch of weird trees. Each of them has a different picture on them representing a different holiday town. Some holidays were given the shaft however. Also I have slight issue with the pictures that were used to represent the holidays that were chosen. Below are the holiday trees, pictures that were used and what I think should be proper representation of the holidays.

Christmas - Christmas Tree  (drunken relatives)
Easter - Easter Egg (Zombie Jesus)
Valentines Day - Heart (Kraft dinner being eaten from the pot)
St. Patricks Day - Shamrock (puke covered dumpster in an alley)
Halloween - Pumpkin (slutty rainbow bright)
Thanksgiving - Turkey (The Detroit Lions losing a football game)

(Pictured: A Holiday Tradition)

Jack goes through the Christmas door and is enthralled by what he sees there. I've always wondered what if he went through the Easter door?  If he's so morose about how predictable and boring his life had become, he would've been enthralled by anything. Arbor day town would've blown his mind. In his mood he is easily impressed.

("Holy Shit!!!")

Which just makes me made because some holidays were not represented on those trees. Where was hannukah?! Kwanza?! Imagine how awesome "The Nightmare Before Festivus" would be?

So Jack falls in love with Christmas and decides it is such a great idea that he will do it too, with a few subtle differences. He is to Christmas what "Eragon" is to "Star Wars".

(Wise old hermit/reclusive warrior gives recently orphaned farmboy his father's sword before sacrificing himself during a rescue mission for a captured princess. I'm not kidding. It's the same movie only with Dragons!)

So while Jack is gone, the Mayor shows up to Jack's house to plan next Halloween...on November 1st. Really? You need 364 days to work out a shitty song and dance routine?! I'd start planning on Oct. 30th and you know what? It'd be great! So Jack pitches his idea for Christmas to everyone and although they are first resistant, they all end up going with it. I should point out this movie still hasn't presented us with anything even remotely close to a villain. There has been mention of the "oogie boogey man" (or something to that effect) and Jack hires his three henchman, who are kids, to kidnap Santa. I don't know who is the bigger villain, A guy who has kids for henchmen or the guy who hires them to kidnap someone?

(Let's just hate these kids instead)

They accidently kidnap the Easter Bunny, cause they are stupid kids. Jack tells them to return him to Eastertown, but c'mon, do you really think the Easter Bunny is gonna live a normal life after all the shit he has seen. Clearly none of the seasonal figureheads are aware of each others towns, so while Jack was inspired by Christmastown, the Easter Bunny is probably shitting tons of easter eggs over the horrors he just saw, instead of being overcome by whimsy.


Oogie Boogie. You have to think any guy who has kids as henchmen must be a real sack of shit. We have yet to see Oogie Boogie so imagine my surprise when he showed up and was actually a sack of shit.


So Oogie tortures Santa as Jack takes over Christmas. He flies a sleigh pulled by skeleton reindeer, wears the same suit and delusionally thinks everyone appreciates getting awful, horrifying presents for Christmas. I will admit I made the same mistake when I bought my girlfriend lottery tickets a few years ago for Christmas, but that was different. I'm not a skeleton.

(I only look partially like that)

Weird thing is that the kids are scared by the gifts, but the fact that a skeleton dressed up as Santa gave them the gifts is totally fine. Turns out, people don't really respond to Jack's fucked up version of Christmas and the army shoots his sleigh out of the sky. Holy shit! Awesome! He gets sad again and decides to go save Santa from the poop sack and politely ask him to fix all the awful things he just did while disguised as Santa. Because Tarantino didn't direct this movie, Santa agrees.

("Sorry about all that stuff I did. Buds?")

He totally could've kicked his ass too. At the end of the movie Jack hooks up with Sally at his "whining spot" and Santa makes it snow in Halloweentown. He has magic powers as opposed to just being a fucking skeleton. Suck it, Skell Eaton!

What Solidifies It's Status as a Christmas Movie?
The fact that Jack didn't go through "St Patricks Day" Door.

Key Christmas Moment
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like stealing Santa's motherfucking hat!

Key Christmas Quote
Jack: [singing] There's children throwing snowballs / instead of throwing heads / they're busy building toys / and absolutely no one's dead.

Favorite non-Christmas Quote
Jack: Sally! I need your help most of all.
Sally: You certainly do, Jack. I've had the most horrible vision!
Jack: That's splendid!

Xmas Game Ball Goes To.....
This snake. For expressing my views on tacky fake silver Christmas trees perfectly.

Most Hated Character?

The Movie Wouldn't have happened if...
Jack went home to drink his sorrows away instead of going on a long walk in the woods.

Day 9 in the books. Damn, I swear I never intend for them to be that long. There are just too many things to mention and about 75% of the length comes after I get inspired by google image search. Without pictures these posts would be 2 paragraphs long.

The List so Far:
Day 9: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Thanks for Reading

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