(26 Seconds of blog research)
Oh, turns out that is the majority of what I write about. I'm fine with it though, and you're reading this so you must be cool with it too. The SPECIFIC post I'm referring to has a pretty self explanatory title. Here is the link to "My 6 Point Plan To Sit At The Grown-up Table".
Until yesterday, this was the most viewed post in "j.Bowman Can't Sleep's" illustrious history. I'm assuming "illustrious" means pointless. Even though the post has been dethroned by John McClane (12 Days of Christmas Movies: Die Hard) it's minor significance carried over, past Christmas and many people have been asking me the $4.26 question:
"j.Bowman, did you get to sit at the grown-up table?"
An excellent and affordable question (oddly enough the .50 question is "who is the shittiest rapper?"). I got tons of support from some of you and I got texts, emails, facebook notifications and even a phone call from the Netherlands (M.Laverman is a king among men). I have since promised you all that I would write an update, and unless we are dating, I keep my promises! I appreciate all of your help and support and it is with GREAT PLEASURE that I respond to the above question with......
Allow me to elaborate on my vague statement. It turns out quite a few members of my family read "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" and knew of my highly mature way of handling it if I didn't get the seat this year. In case you forgot, I threatened to "go tantrum" on everyone.
Anyone who read the comments on the original post can see how quickly my Aunt stepped in to crush my dream of getting a shot at the adult table. She made incredibly valid points, and everyone seemed to enjoy her showing up on the blog and busting my chops, so I'm cool with it. But because my family rules, a compromise was reached to avoid having "Christmas Eve Dinner 2010" turn into "The Incident" in our family lore. Here is what was presented to me upon my arrival for dinner (which I should point out was delicious):
Two tables of equal length, size and consistency.
Equal amount of seating for both tables
Age segregation based on years of service.
Preferential treatment to any siblings who got married this year.
I graciously accepted. And by "graciously" I mean I wept with joy. Fucking wept, people. I no longer had to eat in Australia, exiled by myself with only my mashed potato sculptures to keep me entertained (I could totally survive in prison so long as I had an unlimited supply of mashed po-ta-toes!) There are tons of things you can do with potatoes to pass the time, and I learned from the best.
So even though I was technically at the kids table, it was exactly the same as the adult table (only with slightly less booze). I looked at it two ways:
A) It was good practice for my attempt next year cause I have to be able to eat with other people.
2) It gave me a chance to connect with some of my younger cousins and get the low-down on what's going on with today's youth. Turns out there is so much going on with pokemon that I didn't even know about! Turns out despite his playful appearance, if you fuck with him, Squirtle will straight up murder you.
So yeah, things sort of worked out for me this year. I didn't get my purple crown and everyone at the "Taller people table" had really baller gold crowns from their "Christmas Crackers" (thanks to J.Lawton for the confirmation on what those are called) but all in all it was a successful dinner. Any dinner not ruined by a 6'2 pasty lunatic behaving like a child is definitely a success. But there is 1 lingering feeling that I'm left with:
What about next year?
I have three hundred and whogivesafuck days to prepare for next year. I'm gonna get an early start this year. Maybe hit the gym, learn some magic tricks, who knows. My repetoire will be pretty damn impressive by next Christmas. And if I don't get a shot at the "Tall Peoples Table", I can always say passive aggressive things to whomever held me back using sign language, which I also plan on learning this year. Even though I already know a little.
So thanks to everyone who was rooting for me this year. I appreciate it almost as much as I appreciate the message my family sent to me that communism works. I probably misinterpreted that.
Thanks for Reading
Your 3 point plan to help me get a seat at the "Tall Table" next year: 1) Head on over to the "j.Bowman Can't Sleep kind of Official Facebook Page". b) Hit "LIKE". 3) Suggest other tactics and skills I could use to fulfill my turkey dinner destiny in 2011.