Sunday, December 19, 2010

Why Me And The Man Who Drives The #332 Bus Will Never Be Friends

(It's like the Thunderdome....only on wheels)

I dig the bus. It's no secret. There is this stigma around riding on the bus that I don't understand. I'd blame the movie "Speed" if it wasn't so god damn charming. I'll admit, it has it's disadvantages (asking a date to wait for me on the side of the road with exact change is a hard sell sometimes all the time). But there are some awesome things about the bus too. I think about a lot of nonsense that makes it's way onto the blog on the bus. My mind wanders. Would you want me driving around while my thoughts drift off into wondering if The Ultimate Warrior sprained his courage and is ducking my challenge to a "blog off"? No you would not. It would also be unsafe for me to drive around while reading Green Lantern comics, but on the bus I'm free to peruse them while trying very hard to fight off the throngs of women that ask me questions about Green Lantern (the first time that happens will be the greatest brightest day of my life)

(Yeah, so....I'm gonna have to marry you)

Another reason I dig the bus is I see crazy shit all the time. You ever seen an incredibly drunk old man give tips to a socially awkward teenager on how to solve a Rubiks 9 am? I saw that shit a month or so ago. It was incredible. I see fights, arguments, crackheads.....junkies.....tweakers....and smelly people. If you are wondering how I can "see" smelly people, trust me, they are THAT smelly. Sometimes I myself get involved in altercations and defend people based on my willingness to stand up for whats right and my proximity to my destination. If I'm more than 2 blocks from my stop, I don't do shit. However, the other night something went down and I got into a verbal throwdown with the motherfuckerist of motherfuckers (sorry about the language mum, but this guy was a piece of shit). Here is what went down:

So I'm riding the bus a few blocks up the road to my apartment after work. It's not a long walk, but I'm dealing with an ankle injury so if I can help it, I don't walk long distances. When I first met my foe, everything seemed normal. Little did I know a big pile of douchebag was right below the surface of his stupid face. I don't have a picture of him, so this will have to do:

(Idiot. Everyone knows if you fight a bear, use a hockey stick)

So the bus system or bus protocol is not a tough thing to wrap your head around. You see your stop coming up, you pull the cord (I fucking hate it when someone pulls it before I do), a sign at the front of the bus lights up and a bell dings signalling the driver that he should stop soon and let people off the bus. Very basic stuff. The driver of the #332 the other night decided to put his own spin on things and as a result, served me up some piping hot injustice. I had my headphones in (as I always do whenever....I'm out in public) and the bus was coming up to my stop. Some lady beat me to the cord pull cause I was distracted by some hot jams coming from my ipod. The bus blows past our stop, then the driver slows down. I pause my tunes in case he cared to elaborate on why he failed at the most important part of his job, letting people off the bus. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he didn't stop cause he saw a g-g-g-g-ghost?

(Terrible bus drivers, every single one of them)

As the driver slows down, roughly 20 yards past where he was supposed to stop, he shouts to the back door

"Did you want that stop or the next one?"

The woman standing near me shouted "Next one". I shouted "I actually wanted that one, back there".

I know everyone involved spoke english so imagine my surprise when he just kept....on...driving. The next stop is like 3 blocks away and this time, Andretti decides to actually come to a complete stop to allow us off the bus (had he gone through to another stop I think we woulda had a "tuck and roll" situation). Now, I could either exit through the back door and let it slide, or I could decide to take my cues from John Cusack's filmography.

(When given the choice, go Cusack on somebody)

The following is the conversation I had with this dickface as I inquired as to why he was the way that he was:

(As usual, j.Bowman is in green)

You know, I wanted that stop back there.
Why didnt you yell?
I wasnt aware I had to yell in addition to the bell chiming and the sign lighting up
That's why I slowed down and asked if you wanted this stop or the next one
But why would you slow down though? It is a "stop".
I slowed down and asked though
Irrelevant. Are you going to slowly roll through every stop and only come to a complete stop when someone yells that they would like to exit the bus?
Well you shoulda said something, you probably had your headphones in and werent paying attention
I actually did yell.
No you didnt
You asked "Did you want this stop or the next one?" the woman said next one and I yelled for the one you passed.
No you didnt.
Do you want me to poll the people on the bus? Cause I'm guessing you are the only one who didnt hear it and you arent even wearing headphones. Besides, you didnt ask until you had already passed the stop
But I had slowed down
Are you not supposed to slow down enough so the bus stops moving completely at the designated stops?
Next time you should yell louder.
Next time, EAT A DICK!

He then closes the door and calls me a prick before pulling away. I guess he gets antsy whenever the bus stops moving. As it drives off some little shitbag flips me off from the back of the bus, which is horrible because by the time you realize what's happened, they've already won. I don't know what that kids problem was. The bus driver botched his job, I called him on it, he tried to justify his ineptitude and I held my ground. Just as I'm sure someone else who fights the little battles would do.


Keep in mind this is the second one of these "non-friend forever" declarations I've made on the blog. Before it was "Why Me and the Lady Who Serves Me Chicken Strips at Safeway Will Never Be Friends". This night was another one of these fued moments. I began the long walk back to my building, and I was pretty ticked (sorry about the language). With every step my feet were saying bull, shit, bull, shit. I was fired up. Didn't help that Stone Cold Steve Austin's music came on my ipod shuffle at the time. Amidst all the anger and frustration, I noticed something else.

The woman who was also the cause of all of this (I'm aware it isnt her fault, I'm just comedically mad at her) ends up walking all the way down the street 3 blocks until I get to my street and she goes into a house like 15 yards from where the initial bustop was (the one that was skipped). Clearly not someone who should've been put in charge of deciding what stop would be best.

Lets look at some other professions if they lived in a world where this bus driver's rules apply:

Doctor - Yeah, I opened up his chest cavity, but he didnt say anything, so I just closed him up...and that's why his appendix burst. He shoulda said something.

Waiter - I walked by with his food and slowed down, but he didn't say anything so I just kept going and threw it in the trash. He shoulda said something.

Safari Guide - Yeah, I probably should'nt have run over that zebra. He shoulda said something.

In closing, He put one over on me. There is no hope for us and no turning back. What's done is done. He has gotten in between me and something awesome and it is for that reason, and his stupid face, that I declare:

Me and the guy who drives the #332 bus will never be friends!

You probably couldn't tell from reading it, but I shouted that towards the heavens from the roof of my building.

So mad was I after this that upon arriving at home, I decided to cancel my historic, months old tradition of a "post work 5 minute dance party". There was no dancing on this night my friends. But tomorrow was another day.

Thanks for reading


If you enjoyed, feel free to stop by the "j.Bowman Can't Sleep kinda official Facebook page" and drop a "LIKE" bomb. Once I get to 100 likes, I will be having a special "6 minute mo-town dance party". Don't you want to be responsible for such an awesome thing? Yes. Yes you do.

1 comment:

  1. lol You sound like a friend of mine and a hybrid of me. My blog would be a convoluted version of this wonderful display. Good on ya!