Tuesday, December 28, 2010

12 Days of Christmas Movies - Home Alone

Spoiler Alert. (I've done my part, if you read on and the movie gets spoiled for you it's your own damn fault)

"12 Days of Christmas Movies" continues on...December 28th. Yeah, well as far as I'm concerned it's still the Christmas season for another couple of days and regardless, this will still be a relevent list next year (until I add "Green Lantern" to the list. June 17th 2011. Brightest Day). The movie for day 5 is a god damn classic, and I'm willing to engage in fisticuffs with anyone who dares disagree with that. This movie, along with Wayne's World, are two films that I LOVED as a kid but there was tons of jokes and stuff I didn't get when I was 6. As I've matured gotten older, I've noticed more and more subtle, awesome and kind of fucked up things about them. So with that, Ladies, Gentlemen and the fine people of Denmark, I present to you Day 5's movie. "This is it, don't get scared now".

Home Alone

The plot according to j.Bowman
"Kevin McCallister is a whiny little asshole and his family treats him accordingly". How this wasn't the tagline for the movie, I'll never know. The movie starts in the midst of a crazy, pre-travel free for all in the McCallister house. There are like 14 kids running around all over the place, but I only counted 4 adults. A few of the kids are cousins, but that leaves at least like 9 kids between the two sets of parents. That's a lot of fuckin. Just saying. And they all look REALLY different. It's like a genetic melting pot. Take a look at this "Family"

(They should have worked an asian kid in there somewhere)

So everyone is running around and it's kinda hard to keep all the characters straight. A lot of them I'm sure didn't even get names, but are forever remembered by the 1 line they had during these early scenes. Who could forget the amazing performance of "Kevin you're such a disease" kid?

Or the tour de force performance that made the world stand up and take notice of the "You're what the French call: Les incompetents" girl.

(It would be my fave movie ever if he fired back with "You're what the french call....a bitch")

There are a few other characters we meet, and they actually get names but few of them deserve them. Those that do will be mentioned later, I just wanted to shine a spotlight on those two brilliant performances. The main antagonist for Kevin seems to be his older, gingerer brother Buzz, who is a bigger asshole than Kevin. I swear this character only exists so Kevin would seem like less of a douchebag (and keep in mind Kevin is apparently scared to pack his suitcase)

(Mission Accomplished)

Buzz also tells Kevin that the old man who shovels snow in their neighborhood and looks like a murderer is, in fact, a murderer. He's creepy as fuck so Buzz had a lot helping him convince Kevin of the man's murderous ways.

(I tell ya, I just don't see it)

But not to be outdone is Kevin's little psychopath of a cousin, Fuller. It is mentioned about 5 times in the first 4 minutes that Fuller drinks too much pop and wets the bed. Kevin, having to share a bed with Fuller, is quite concerned about this. I think most of us can relate to our human desire to not get pee'd on. I hate that we live in a world where I have to type "most of us", but according to the internet, not all of us are opposed to it. Kevin asks Buzz if he could sleep in his room tonight, and Buzz fires back with this gem:

"I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass".

Boom! Amazing. I love this guy now. Things take a weird turn when they all gather for dinner and Fuller takes a big swig of Pepsi and then shoots Kevin a look that can't be misconstrued as anything but "I'm really looking forward to pissing on you later". Think I'm wrong? Exibit A!

(Yep, that's the look)

So while everyone is running around, Joe Pesci is standing by the front door in a cop uniform trying to speak to whoever the head of the house is. Each kid goes past him and gives a little quip or something that I forgot moments after it was said. He ends up talking to Kevin's dad and making sure that their house is secure from robberies during the holidays. His dad ends up giving Joe Pesci TONS of info about their automatic timers and how they are going to France ect because there is nobody more trustworthy than a cop who looks like Joe Pesci.

("Officer, would you mind holding on to my credit cards while I'm away?")

How anyone sees Joe Pesci, even dressed up as a cop, and thinks he's a good guy I will never know. So a delivery guy from "Little Nero's Pizza" (way to sidestep that lawsuit) drops off a bunch of Pizzas and Kevin is late getting to the kitchen, presumably because he was scared of flushing the toilet or something. And Buzz continues to fuck with him by telling him their is no cheese pizza left because everyone ate it and if he wants some, he's going to have to wait until someone pukes it up. Irony strikes Buzz hard and he begins to wretch, and tells Kevin in a panic to get a plate. If I was going to throw up I'd ask for a bowl, but that's just me. So Kevin watches him wretch for a few seconds then as soon as Buzz starts puking, Kevin charges him and headbutts him in the stomach! I've been plenty mad at people before, but never mad enough to charge at someone while they are puking.


So the whole family takes turns saying mean shit to him (each waiting until the other one is finished) and then Kevin's mom drags him upstairs. It is during the kitchen scene that something incredible happens, which I will touch on later in the post (most hated character to be specific). So Kevin and him mom have an argument which is pretty hardcore. I've taken the liberty of dictating it so everyone can enjoy this verbal smackdown. The first line is ice cold that I need to leave a space before continuing.

Mom: Get upstairs
Kevin: I am upstairs dummy!
(See what I mean. Ouch!)

Kevin: Everyone in this family hates me
Mom: Well maybe you should ask santa for a new family
Kevin: I don't want a new family. I dont want any family. Families suck,
Mom: Just get up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. I don't wanna see anyone else either
(HOLY SHIT! Another space is needed after that nuclear bomb of prickery)

Mom: I hope you dont mean that. You'd be pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow and you didn't have a family
Kevin: No I wouldnt
Mom: Then say it again
Kevin: I hope I never see any of you jerks again.

Wow, just...wow. What a little shit. So he wakes up the next morning and in a case of the grossest negligence, his whole family departs without him and they accidently leave Kevin, wait for it....Home Alone! He reacts to this in a way that is unsurprising based on how his character behaves: he is sad for all of 23 seconds and then celebrates by running around, jumping on the bed and eating ice cream. The movie barely touched on this, but for a brief moment it showed what I would spend all day, every day doing in that situation.

(It would be the greatest week of my life)

Oh, and guess what? JOE PESCI WAS EVIL! Turns out, in an absolutely shocking turn of events, he and his partner (Daniel Stern) are robbers who are ripping off the neighborhood while people are away on vacation. Fuck right off. Wow, it's a good thing Kevin's dad didn't give him all the inform- Oh right. Awesome parents. It's no wonder Kevin turned out fucked up. He is half oblivious moron, half negligent bitch. Here is where the movie starts to get a little messed up.

So the robbers try to break into the house one night, and Kevin, being a kid and all, gets really scared and reacts naturally by hiding under the bed. He's quite good at it too.

(Classic "5 finger spread" position. Textbook.)

The scene continues long enough for him to get ridiculously brave for no reason. He says to himself that only a wimp would hide under the bed and that he's the man of the house (I think his 1 remaining undescended testicle might disagree). He then proceeds to leave the house and walk TO THE SIDEWALK, at night, yelling:

"Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! You hear me? I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!".

As far as he knows, two dudes just tried to break into his house and now he's walking around outside at night challenging them to a fight. He may only have 1 ball, but it's made of adamantium. However he then comes across the old man (who in his mind is a CONFIRMED murderer) and flips out, running screaming into the house like a little bitch. What exactly did he think was gonna happen with the burglers? He's alright with challenging two robbers to a scrap, but going toe to toe with a murderer? THAT would be crazy.

 (Not Pictured: A rational, well adjusted child)

The robbers come to his house again (they really like his families shit), and he sets them up by playing a violent movie really loudly and lighting firecrackers to simulate gun fire (naturally). He knew this plan would work because he tested it out before, and that is where my next fucked up thing comes from. The first person he tricks with that is the pizza guy from "Little Nero's", and that guy has to have some sort of criminal past. Check out the scene:

So he ran over the statue in front of their house twice (once earlier in the film). He then drops off a pizza and Kevin plays the videotape, complete with firecracker gunshots. The pizza guy runs off terrified, jumps into his car and drives away...and we never see him again. Really? You don't wanna call the cops in that situation. "Hey Officer, I dropped off a pizza and some dude shot at me a bunch of times, maybe you should check it out". Yeah, he definitely has a criminal past and something tells me running over that little statue is a hint at it.

So the robbers find out the only person in the house is an 8 year old boy so they plan on coming back that night to rob it and perhaps fuck him up. Their plan might have worked if they didnt yell out what they were planning on doing in the middle of the day, in the kids front yard. "Empty out the van, grab a bite to eat then Come back around 9 oclock". Kevin prepares some traps, then goes to church to watch a choir sing Christmas carols (priorities, dude!).

It's at the church that he looks over and sees the creepy old man, who stares right back at him....then walks slowly over towards him and says hello. They exchange pleasentries (I assume Kevin hasn't fled because he pissed himself and is embarassed to show the lord) then the old man says this:

"When you see me, you can say hello. You dont have to run away. There is a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true"

That is EXACTLY what a murdering psychopath would say. Never trust a creepy old man (with a beard!) when he says he isn't a murderer. Kevin trusts him though, because he is an idiot. And it turns out the robbers  keep excellent time because they pull up to the house at EXACTLY 9pm. Hijinx ensue, many violent traps only a dangerous lunatic would concoct go off with hilarious results, but then the robbers end up cornering Kevin and threating to eat his fingers (seriously, watch that scene. It's fucked up). Kevin is saved by....


Creepy old man with a shovel who totally is not a murderer...or so he says. If you ask me, he was a little too proficient with that shovel. Doesn't look like the first time he's beaten the shit out of some people with it. So he "saves" Kevin from the robbers, and luckily we know nothing horrible happened because Kevin gets reunited with his family of negligent assholes.

(If the movie ended here, I wouldn't have thought this was a "rescue")

God, Home Alone is so awesome I could write about it forever but it's 7:53 AM and I'm actually tired so let's go to the Christmas Breakdown:

What Solidifies it's Status as a Christmas Movie?
At one point Kevin seeks the wise council of Santa Claus, who gives him tic tacs because he gave all of his candy canes to his elf to "take home to her boyfriend".

Key Christmas Moment:
It is from Home Alone 2, but it has to same characters so I don't care. Plus, I love this scene. From Joe Pesci threatening murder to Daniel Stern somehow not dying from 4 bricks to the face from 3 stories up, there is little not to love about this gem. Fucking brutal.

Key Christmas quote:
Mom: [to the Scranton Ticket Agent] This is *Christmas*. The season of perpetual hope. And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself, I am going to get home to my son. 

Favorite non-Christmas Quote
Megan McCallister: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say "congratulations, you're an idiot"?

The Game Ball goes to....
This was an easy one. Sadly he passed away a long time ago, but before then if you were ever in need, you could always count on John Candy to appear out of nowhere and save the day. Gus, the polka king of the mid west and leader of the Kenosha Kickers, you earned it.

Most Hated Character?
YES! I have been waiting for this category since I first decided to do this. WITHOUT A DOUBT my most hated character is Uncle Frank! Let's look at a few awesome examples of his douchbaggery.

 (Hate, I just....hate this man)

Uncle Frank, the asshole of assholes, tries to steal the crystal champagne glasses on the airplane by telling his wife to put them in her purse. Also, when Kevin's mom realizes she forgot Kevin and rhetorically asks "what kind of mother am I?" Uncle Frank is right there to offer his support as only he can.

Uncle Frank: "If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses"

And without any further delay, I present to you the BEST clip I have ever put on the blog and the shiniest example of Uncle Frank's villainy. Uncle Frank, as a result of Kevin's antics, you have soda on your trousers. How do you feel about that?

The Movie Wouldn't Have Happened If....
 Kevin's parents loved him.

There you have it. Day 5 in the friggin' books. It is going to be a pretty busy few days to close out the year, but luckily I've got a couple choices coming up that I won't be able to write a novel about. Man, I love Home Alone though. So good.

The List so Far:
Day 5: Home Alone

Thanks for Reading


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