Friday, December 31, 2010

Blog Feud 2: j.Bowman vs. ?????

Anyone familiar with j.Bowman Can't Sleep knows that I start every month with a new post in a series called "The Irritional Fear of the Month". Now as an admitted fan of symmetry, if I'm starting every month with a recurring post, I should end the month on a recurring post. I struggled for minutes to think of what I should write. Should I write a retrospective on the month that was and all that happened and how we all changed and grew as people? Fuck that. I'm gonna pick a fight.

So starting with last month, I will be picking a blog on the internets (all of them) and challenging whoever writes it to a "Blog Off" which they have 30 days to respond to. For the record I have no idea what a "Blog Off" would be or how a winner would be determined, but that won't stop me from challenging people to one, and if accepted, figuring out the rules. It would be some sort of writing contest showdown. Perhaps we could have an impartial 3rd party pick a topic and we both blog about it? If you don't wanna use your site, "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" will gladly host it. For the second official "Blog Off", having already defeated the Ultimate Warrior by having more courage, I formally challenge Fred Hatman!

Mr. Fred Hatman is a Blogger who writes on "" while I write on blogspot (I love you blogspot, don't ever change). I searched high and low looking for someone to call out this month, and seeing as how this is the final post of 2010 (in no way is it January 10th, 2011) I stumbled across a blog title and I was none too pleased with what I had found:

Why Canada sucks and South Africa rocks (or 10 Reasons why a Vancouverite would rather live in Cape Town)! 


 ....Excuse me? I'd like to take this moment to point out that the woman who wrote the article, Dianne Russell, DID NOT put that title on. Mr.Hatman added that title when he posted her blog entry on his site. Trying to get someones attention? It worked, pal! It worked big time.

(V for Vendetta)

Here is the thing, when it comes to the content of the article, I got a problem with it (shocking, I know) but it's just one person's view. I'm aware I may honk for Vancouver and Canada a fair bit on this blog, but I won't drag another place through the mud in a comparison. That would be bogus. If you want to talk about how much you like South Africa, that's awesome. I have never been there and I hope to visit someday soon. She has apparently received a lot of backlash and negativity from both countries in response to her blog and some of that is on you, Fred Hatman. Her original article was called "10 Reasons Why A Vancouverite Would Rather live in Cape Town" which is fine. She has lived in both places, I haven't, so I can respect her opinion. But Mr. Hatman just couldn't resist poking the Vancouver Grizzly could he?

(Unlike our former NBA team, I will not fail spectacularly)

I did some minimal research on Fred Hatman, and I could not find any evidence of him living in Vancouver or Canada. He loves South Africa (which is totally cool) and he is self proclaimed "S.A. Positive" (pro-South Africa) but I would prefer if he would also come out as "V.C. Negative" if he's gonna take shots at the Maple Leaf Mafia. I don't like that title. Straight up. If you type the words "Canada Sucks" and then you don't even write an article to back it up, well then sir, you wind up on my radar (our military wasn't using it). 

 (Admiral Don Cherry was cool with me using it)

I love other countries and will never ever say that they suck without having been there. I wrote a post called "International Incident of Appreciation" back in November celebrating all of the awesome countries that for some reason have read this blog at one point or another and I plan on doing another one too. Hell, you know what? If the following countries were all women I would date them and treat them respectfully like they deserve: USA, South Africa, United Kingdom, Ireland, South Korea, Brazil, Denmark, France, Germany, Netherlands, Japan, India, Italy, Taiwan, Australia. I may hate a lot of things, but I would never drop a suck bomb on a country without provocation....except maybe Belarus.


Even then, I would find something positive to say about them because there are positives and negatives to everything. I know some absolutely lovely people who live in Cape Town, South Africa and as I've said before I'd love to see it someday. Perhaps then we could have a gentlemenly discussion over a nice cold beer. Until then, we'll just have to settle our differences online in the blog arena, if your Vuvuzela is big enough (I kid, I kid).

Let's look at a comparison of the two hypothetical combatants in thie blog off (keep in mind I don't want to use Mr. Hatman's picture without his permission, so I've chosen another picture to represent him. I think I nailed it)

Fred Hatman
Height: Fluctuates based on the amount of hats he's wearing.
Weight: Fluctuates based on the amount of hats he's wearing.
Hometown: Pietermaritzburg, KwaZulu-Natal
Currently Resides in: Western Cape, South Africa
Favorite Cereal: No idea. Shreddies?
Distinguishing Accessory:  Army of hats
Finishing Move: Calling out a nation from the other side of the world.
Facebook Friends: 1331
Favorite Sport: Soccer?
Stance on Tom Waits: Pro-Tom Waits
Favorite Quote: "Life Happens while you're busy making other plans" (Lennon)
Loves his mum: I'd like to think so, yeah.
Favorite thing about Vaccuums: They suck.
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 0
Underneath his hat:  head
Favorite Song to Slowdance to: Unknown
Lazy Super Hero Alter Ego: Hat-Man


"The Bowmanada from Canada" j.Bowman

Height: 6'2  
Weight: 217 lbs
Hometown: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Currently Resides in: Canada, British Columbia, Vancouver 
Favorite Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Charms
Distinguishing Accessory: Giant Can of Molson Canadian Beer
Finishing Move: Pretending to hold the elevator, but actually pressing "door close".
Facebook Friends: 327 (Quality over quantity)
Favorite Sport: Hockey
Stance on Tom Waits: Incredibly anti-Tom Waits
Favorite Quote: "Who Knows? Quizno's!" (j.Bowman circa gr.12)
Loves his mum?: You know it.
Favorite thing about Vaccuums: That sound they make when they suck up pennies.
Number of Vancouver Canucks Jerseys: 9
Underneath his hat: My sweet doo, "Coif-zilla"
Favorite Song to Slowdance to: Sam Cooke - I'll Come Runnning Back To You 
Lazy Super Hero Alter Ego: Bow-Man

(Bow-Man: Hates Crime, Loves "Garden State")

In the interest of fairness and good sportsmanship, I would like to plug his blog right now. You can read the article that got me all up in a tizzy if you like. The article is fine and it seems that Diane Russell makes valid points. But this is about you and me Hat-man. You wanted to get a few hits, eh? Wanted people to notice your post, eh? Well someone did. Why don't you put your Rand where your keyboard is and accept my challenge to a blog off?  I'll put my loonie where my keyboard is (that's what we call our dollar by the way cause....we're silly). I've said my piece. You have 30 Days.
*THWAP* (this is the sound of my glove hitting your face. It's a duel)

You have been formally challenged. What say you, Fred Hatman?

Oh, by the way. The Vancouver Canucks are the #1 ranked team in the National Hockey League at the moment. Just thought I'd mention that....



Thanks for Reading

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  1. My apologies to the fine people of indonesia that you hopefully got hooked on the blog

  2. Dianne Russell - Cape Town LoverAugust 3, 2011 at 11:13 PM

    Well, I'm glad that my words have sparked a gentlemanly dual...I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I have read in a LONG time. Doesn't make me love Cape Town any less or like Vancouver any more, but bloody hell, thanks for the giggle.