Serious Talk About Bath Salts And The Forthcoming "Zombie Apocalypse"

Monpeeps, how are you?

That question is rhetorical moderately unimportant. I hope you are all doing well, and if you aren't, well there isn't a whole lot I can do about it from here (until someone invents an awesome grilled cheese sandwich that you can download and eat....now I want one, fuck!)

(And now you know exactly how I feel. Sucks eh?)

If there is one thing I have proved to be really good at in 2012, it's taking hiatuses (?). I'm barely a paragraph into this post and I have already revealed some pretty terrible spelling habits. Oh well. A lot has happened since I last returned after a lengthy absence only to take another one. Such things include:

- There was a new Spider-Man movie
- I gave a good friend the "Razor's Edge" finishing move (look it up) off a dock into a lake while super drunk.
- I turned 27 years old (not the same weekend as above, but still fun)
- The final Christopher Nolan "Batman" film came out and was immediately vilified for not being the answer to all life's problems.

(Batman seen here looking at everyones incredibly lofty expectations)

Yes, it's been pretty eventful and there are a lot of noteworthy things to discuss. Like, oh I don't know, THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE TAKING DRUGS AND EATING EACH OTHERS FACES!

(As opposed to just swapping them, like the good old days).

According to many terrifying reports (which I don't read because current events are fucking terrifying), some new drug called "Bath salts" is sweeping the nation. And by "sweeping the nation" I mean causing people to flip the fuck out and go full Romero on each other.

(Bath? No, this is officially "zombie broth" now)

Rather than make you read more white type on a black background (btw I am NEVER changing the design of this blog), I'll let a video fill in the details. I didn't feel like searching for long, so it was the first short one I came across (sub 3 minutes).

Take it away, girl who somewhat reminds me of Lisa Loeb:


(In a word: WHATINTHEFUCK!?!?)

So yeah, that's happening now. Let's check in with ACTUAL Lisa Loeb to see what she has to say about this:


(She had absolutely NOTHING to add to this. I don't even know why I asked her)

 I don't tend to "get serious" too often here on j.B.C.S. but this seems like the perfect topic and opportunity ("topictunity"?... No. The answer to that question was NO!) for me to talk about something seriously, for serious. And to show you that this is no laughing matter and I'm crazy serious, I'm at about here on the "Gene Hackman Scale Of Emotions":

(Not pictured: Malarkey, Whimsy, Fucks of any kind)

When this story first broke a while ago (C'mon, I've been busy. You saw that list up there) one thing that kept getting tossed around was the phrase "zombie apocalypse". The perpetrators of a few of these crimes have fit the zombie description pretty well (face eating is a big one) but the fact that zombies are movie monsters seemed to calm most everyone down.

However there is something that calms me down without question. That is the fact that people watch too many movies. What leads to our panic also leads to our salvation. By that I mean this:

Humanity is WAY too "genre savvy" to fall prey to a zombie apocalypse.

(Hipster zombies will be the first to go)

After doing the slightest bit of research possible before writing this post (research is overrated) I discovered that several governments actually have zombie protocols in place in case the world gets overrun by the walking dead.

(or a shit load of Dales. FUCK DALE!)

But it isn't the governments preparation that comforts me when I think of an army of shuffling boogeymen intent on getting some brains in 'em. It's the average citizen.

(Shown here, planning)

On this planet (Earth, in case you are reading this after the colonization of the moon), right now, I estimate there are 426,000 ordinary people who have a plan "just in case" the dead rise and need to be put the fuck back down.

I am one of them.

Years ago some friends and I jokingly planned what we would do if we woke up and zombies were all up in everyone's shit. Strategies were discussed, weapons were hypothetically acquired and shelter was targeted for a takeover. Hell, we even planned to pretend not to know each other at first so we don't appear as a cohesive unit/threat to other survivors, but we are TOTALLY working together.

(NOTE: This discussion happened while we were watching the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" at the time....which is an awesome movie btw. It's the best part of this "40 Year Old Virgin" scene, NSFW):



Although there was varying degree of seriousness to our "what should we do?" conversation....we still had it. And we're semi-normal people. If it all went down, I know I'd follow our poorly thought-out plan because, well....I don't have another one.

This is my plan B:



Thing is, when it comes to "Z-Day" I've thought about it but I haven't thought THAT much about it. According to my completely made up figure above, many people have. And that isn't even including the crazies who build custom guns and refer to them as "zombie destroyers"...

(+1)

So if you are worried about zombies being total dicks and ruining your day/life, in all seriousness you can relax. The odds are much better that someone in your neighbourhood is fully stocked up on weapons just waiting for the day when being an amoral murderous vigilante is acceptable behaviour.

(Everyone can relax, he's got this. And by "this" I mean a chainsaw hand)

So, feel better? I know I do. And to be sure I made sure to measure my emotion on the "Gene Scale" again...

(I'm... not a very happy person)

But if the zombies in question are "fast zombies"? We're all fucked.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow the "Sleepless Knight" on twitter @jBowmancouver. He may be an idiot, but twitter is full of them. What's one more gonna hurt?

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - November

(Bow-note: After the hostile takeover Vancouver Canucks related posts put into motion this month, I now have a place for all those musings to go that isn't j.B.C.S. You can now read all Canucks material at The Legion of Blog's page on The Province Sports located HERE. So thank you to all my readers NOT from Vancouver for your patience. The date of this post has been adjusted to keep it in November. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Bowgramming)

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of... well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate, until the end of days.

You can check out the complete list of the I.I.H.O.F. right over HERE (as well as links to each post)

Class of November 2011

Cheap Ass Black Mittens

(Oh hell yeah!)

Replace The KB - Monpeeps Have Spoken...

I submitted 12 articles, 6 videos, and a whole lotta heart. Now, after three weeks of competition The Province Sports have picked the 4 who will replace the KB as their Canucks bloggers. Among the 4....

It is done. Check the link HERE for the "Bow-fficial" announcement. I'm going to keep this short, hopefully you'll be reading stuff from me for a long time, but I want to say thank you to the Province Sports, the 14 other competitors who brought the goods on a regular basis and blogged their hearts out. Check out the KB link here and feel free to click on the contestants and check them out. Win or lose, these are 14 people worth reading regularly. Most importantly I wish to thank...

You.

Every single person who believed the alternative underdog could pull this off and supported me every step of the way. Some of you I know, some of you I don't, but to all of you I'm eternally grateful. I do not take this opportunity lightly and I promise that I will continue to bring the goods and let you know that you backed the right horse. The pale horse.

I will write a bit more on the subject tomorrow, but for now...

... enough talk. Can I get an internet dance party going for all of Monpeeps out there? I'll bring the tunes. Get up off your chairs, stay in your chairs, do whatever you like. Just know, it's dancing time.

Thanks again. All systems Bow. Hit my music!



I dare you not to dance at 1:06. I DARE YOU!

Thanks for Reading.

- jB

Jersey. Always. #3 - "Modern Warfare"

This is it folks. The last video I will be releasing for the Replace the KB contest. While it was a toss up between this and "Getting to Know Bow 3", I just can't resist the opportunity to mix the Vancouver Canucks, Paintball and Jurassic Park together (plus, it was way too nice a day yesterday to not film something outside).

These have been an absolute blast to work on over the last couple weeks. I could not have done them without the help of the awesome crew mentioned up top in the #replacethekb tab. You can find all the videos I've done for the contest there. If you are like me and too lazy to click the tab (it is all the way up there after all), here is a shortcut.

In case this is my last post before the clock strikes midnight, I want to say thank you all for the positive feedback on the posts and videos. Coming into this contest in relative obscurity and competing with some of the best and most recognized names in Canucks fan blogging has been an honour and my diplomatic scorecards still have it as a 15 way tie for 1st place.

You know what? Who wants to see this contest extended? C'mon folks!

"ONE MORE WEEK! ONE MORE WEEK! ONE MORE WEEK!"

Thanks for not chanting. I'm exhausted. I think all 15 of us left it all on the ice (or keyboard as it were) and have a tremendous amount to be proud of.

Without further delay, "Jersey Always #3 - Modern Warfare".

Thanks for reading watching everything.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

 

Twitter @jbowmancouver. I promise to tweet once a month about how much I love "McCain Deep n' Delicious Cakes".

"What's the Frequency Henrik?" - Tuning out the tuned out argument

Sunday, November 20th is "coaching day" in BC. I can't think of a better day to express that I've officially had enough of the rumblings that the Canucks now respond to the soon-to-be winningest coach in team history, Alain Vigneault, in the same way that Charlie Brown responded to adults.

(Somehow, I doubt Henrik is hearing trumpet noises right now.)

It is a popular topic when the Canucks are losing, and it's a popular topic when it comes to sports in general: the "tuning out" of a head coach. I can see where the basis of this take comes from. Coaches are leaders and leaders need to be inspirational, guiding influences. When a team falters, the knee jerk reaction is to criticize the result as "uninspired play".

(Players didn't respond to his plan of showing "Dead Poet's Society" on the jumbo tron.)

Jersey. Always. #2 - "Beer League"

A wise man with a great singing voice and radically fluctuating weight once said:

"A little less conversation, a little more action".

With that in mind, I present to you the second of three "Jersey. Always." videos entitled "Beer League". Keeping this series short and almost completely devoid of dialogue. If you have 1:12 seconds to spare today, I highly recommend giving it a viewing.

Check the #replacethekb tab at the top of the blog for my other campaign videos and #voteBow4Blog. The Cinderella story of this run is coming to an end, it's time to throw your support behind, well, not exactly the "dark horse".

Support the pale horse.



In case you were wondering, yes there is a take where a softball hit me "downtown". Perhaps there will be outtakes.

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

Follow me on twitter @jbowmancouver There will be candy! (candy subject to change.)

Mike Gillis GM Camp for Kids - A Brochure Review

"A camp where kids and inept teens can gather and learn how to navigate life the Mike Gillis way" - Brochure.

"Don't be an idiot. Come here and learn something." - Brochure (first draft).

I was recently going through my "fictional things" drawer and I came across a brochure for an intensive summer camp for prospective or future GM's run by Canucks General Manager Mike Gillis.

(This kid will not be kissing any girls at the camp this year. Fact.)

Are You There Ron Hextall? It's Me, Ryan Miller

"Sometimes in life you just have to give people a whack on the leg to let them know you aren't to be messed with." - Ghandi.

(Or maybe it was Ron Hextall?)

There has been a lot of controversy recently over an incident on November 12th when Boston Bruins forward Milan Lucic drilled an unsuspecting Ryan Miller in a game between the Bruins and the Buffalo Sabres. Hits happen all the time in hockey, but the reason there is so much controversy is because Ryan Miller is... wait for it, a goalie!

(Proof.)

Lucic was given a charging penalty for the hit, and Miller ended up leaving the game in the 2nd period (he has since been diagnosed with a concussion). After the game in the media scrum, Ryan Miller unleashed this gem on the world in regards to the hit, Lucic as a person, and his stance on feces.

Miller: "I just want to say what a piece of shit I think Lucic is. Fifty pounds on me, and he runs me like that. It’s unbelievable. Everyone in this city sees him as a big, tough, solid player. I respected him for how hard he played. That was gutless. Gutless, piece of shit.”

Wow. Hey bad guy from "Demolition Man", can I get an "Oh Snap!"?

(Thank you.)

Ryan Miller unleashes what passes as a salvo attack for a goalie these days. I'm not going to get into the legality of the hit, if you want that, check the rest of the internet (I'm sure you will find at least 400 people writing at length about it). For the record, I did not like the hit, but what I really want to do is ask the question:

What happened to tough goalies like Ron Hextall?

(Also, on an unrelated topic, Queen was an awesome band.)

Top 5 Classic Canucks Moments ('94 / Between The Lockouts)

Let me clarify right out of the gate what my personal definition of "classic" is when regarding Canucks moments. During the 40 year span of the Vancouver Canucks, there have been many eras which can be defined as classic to different groups of people. I think the simplest definition of mine would be the moments that happened during my wonder years... "formative years" in life.

(Lawsuit? Sidestepped.)

You hear people talk about how there were a big fan of certain things "while they were growing up" and that's just the period I went for when choosing these 5 moments. I was a fresh faced youngster when the Canucks went on their amazing run in '94 (which literally could have filled every spot on this list). How fresh my face was is debatable, but the message is that during that run I became a fan for life. The 10 years of Canucks fandom that followed saw me go from age 8 to 18, 3 feet tall to 6 feet tall and pale skinned to... well that didn't really change.

(Also something that never changed? My appreciation of this guy.)

A Canuck Life #1 - "The Heart"

I came into this contest with several goals in mind. "Don't cry" and "watch Rudy every day" appear on that list (conflicting goals if you ask me) but another one was to do 3 sets of 3 videos detailing a different aspect of Canucks fandom. I have a lot of fun doing them and I had hoped they would give me a little boost out of obscurity because the vast majority of people outside of my regular readers here have never heard of me.

To those who have noticed, thank you very much.

Anyone who wants to catch up on "Jersey Always" or "Getting to Know Bow" can click the "#replacethekb" tab at the top of the blog.

Now, the first of the last series: A Canuck Life - "The Heart"



The contest so far has been a blast. Everyone is bringing it daily and my scorecard has it as a 15-way tie for first (I have really diplomatic scorecards).

There are 10 days left, and 5 videos to go (as well as posts, just to prove I'm also literete, litarite, literate... good at words.)

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

Sidney Crosby Returns - "Can... Can we hit him?"

In order to succeed in any kind of business, you have to protect your assets.

(Like it or not: Asset!)

Sidney Crosby is set to return to the ice soon for the Pittsburgh Penguins for the first time in nearly 10 months and however you may feel about him, this is good thing for hockey. Crosby has become an ambassador for a sport that desperately needs them.

Professional hockey has always struggled in some areas to find it's niche as a mainstream sport. Since the 2004-2005 NHL Lockout, the league has been doing everything it can to recover and expand it's fanbase.

(Well, almost everything. At least have each team put one animal on the roster. I don't even care if they play, just like the possibility that they might.)

In the post lockout NHL, several rule changes came about to showcase the high skill level of some of the league's top players, two of whom entered the league in it's return season. Alex Ovechkin and future Stanley Cup winner Sidney Crosby burst onto the scene and competed for the Calder Trophy (awarded to Ovechkin as the NHL's best rookie). It was just what the league needed to give it a boost: a fresh rivalry between two of the best young stars the sport had to offer.

(One homo erotic beach volleyball game away from "Top Gun".)

After several seasons and accolades (both have won the Hart and Art Ross trophies) Sidney Crosby managed to set himself apart in an undesired way. He was caught up directly in the biggest hot button sports topic since steroids in baseball:

Head shots.

On January 1st, 2011 at the Winter Classic Crosby had his head down and skated into the path of Dave Steckel and got his bell rung. He stayed in the game and suited up 4 days later against the Tampa Bay Lighting, a game which saw Crosby get hit into the boards from behind by Victor Hedman.

He hasn't played since.

I'm not going to debate the legality of the hits because that horse has been "blindside elbowed" to death. It's not so much that the Crosby hits were dirty, it's that they happened to a marquee guy, which got more people asking important questions. With Crosby on the verge of making his return (after speaking out against the league's failure to properly crack down on head shots) one of those questions I find to be the most intriguing is:

"How do the other players, play against him?"

(Doubtful we'd see the "Arrested Development" strategy.)

As much as I would hate to see it, there will probably be a wide berth given to Crosby the first couple of games. But that will not last long. When a guy like Crosby is KILLING your team, there is an expectation to go out there and send a message. That doesn't mean what it used to in the old NHL (a magical time when "sending a message" might as well have meant "shank the guy"), but even so, it is expected for players to raise the level of physicality and stop the threat.

(And here he is, trying to be threatening. Adorable.)

I'm not suggesting everyone just gives him a clear path to the net, but you have to admit anyone who throws a hit on the guy in the next few weeks will be under intense scrutiny from the league. Justified or not. Spoken or unspoken, it will happen. If anyone comes within a whiff of the league's "golden goose", NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan will be watching. Heaven forbid the league is required to market George Parros as a "must see" NHL superstar.

(Going after that all important "dudes with vans" demographic.)

If you think "Sheriff Shanny" isn't going to destroy anyone that lays a dirty hit on Crosby you are crazy. Shanny is there to protect all the players (and has been handing out suspensions for nonsense at an impressive rate) but there is something special about marquee players. Issues with them shine a light on the problems within the league and the measures being taken to stop those problems.

 

(Crosby gets hit, Commissioner Bettman lights the Shanny Signal.)

There is an odd parallel between Sidney Crosby and a former young, skilled NHL forward.

One of my favorite players growing up recently retired due to complications brought on from many concussions he received during his NHL tenure. At one time he was the youngest captain in the league and was a huge part of turning a fledgling franchise into a contender. He was a multi-time All-star, Lady Byng winner and runner up in the Hart Trophy balloting in 1997. He was from Vancouver, BC.

His name is Paul Kariya.

(One of his more awesome moments.)

(Kariya receiving one of the cheapest shots I've ever seen via Gary Suter.)

Paul Kariya, several years and a few concussions into his career received another one at the hands of "Concussion-Bot" Scott Stevens. It being the Stanley Cup Finals, Kariya manned up, returned and even scored a late goal to force a game 7, which they lost. The effort (not the hit) was deemed by many to be "Bombay Approved".

(Okay, by "many" I mean "me", but it still counts for something)

Sadly Kariya was never the same player. Although he had a good year here and there, you never felt like you were watching the same player you were before all of his concussions. After his retirement, he had some strong words for the league regarding their enforcement of player safety regarding concussions. 

“The thing that I worry about, is that you’ll get a guy who is playing with a concussion, and he gets hit, and he dies at centre ice. Can you imagine what would happen to the league if a guy dies at centre ice?”

"If you start at 10-game suspensions and go to 20, that sends a message to the players. But if you start fining the owners and suspending the coach, then it’s out of the game." 

With a big name superstar like Crosby now being involved in this controversy, the league is heavily focused on ensuring the safety of it's players and the quality of it's on ice product.

But is it enough?

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention another one of my favorite players as a kid who had his potential diminished and his career cut short due to concussion.

(If you don't like Pat Lafontaine, get your head checked.)

Time will tell if Sidney Crosby can regain the momentum he had before his concussion and remain one of the premiere players of this generation. But even with a close eye being kept on him, can anything be done to avoid seeing not just superstars, but average players "in a crumpled heap"?

Hockey is a fast and passionate game, it's going to happen again.

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB

 

Don't just "follow" me on twitter. Let's upgrade this to "stalking". I often tweet my whereabouts, allergies and greatest fears. @jbowmancouver.

Canucks 4th Line: Characters Welcome. Goofs Need Not Apply

Straddling the line between "do gooding hero" and "irredeemable jackass" you will find a group of players in the NHL who have the ability to get noticed and make an impact, whether it be on the scoreboard, on the ice or in the dressing room. They are commonly third or fourth line guys who form the backbone of what a team stands for. These impact players, more often than not, fall into two categories:

1) Characters

2) Goofs

"Out of the Blue, Into the Black" - A Sunday Showdown in Chi-town

Writing a Canucks post with a title that directly references a Neil Young song? List of life goals, you just got one entry shorter.

Today at high noon (or 4pm for people who like things more factual and less dramatic) the Vancouver Canucks renew their hostilities with the Chicago Blackhawks. There might not be a better way to put it than that. They hate each other, and that means great hockey... most of the time.

The Canucks have traded two awesome wins for two slightly embarrassing losses over the last week (most recently to the Blues, hence the title), and honestly I have no idea which team is going to take the ice in the windy city. Looking at the matchups, there are a few burning questions I find myself asking.

(That's mighty festive. Like New Year's Eve at The Riddler's house)

"Second verse, same as the first?"

Scoreless after 20 minutes. Chicago lights up the Canucks for 4 goals in the second, and another 3 in the third (while giving up 1).

The day was November 20th, 2010. Final score 7-1 Blackhawks.

This was also the day the Canucks snapped out of the early season jitters and started their ascent to the top of the NHL. After being bogged down for a month and a half with inconsistent play, lack of production from the big guns and continuous second guessing, the Canucks used this embarrassing defeat as a rallying point and they never looked back.

It was the wake up call they needed. If they lose today, which would be their third loss in a row, will it have the same effect on this year's team?

(Pictured L-R: Mad as hell, Not gonna take it anymore, Duncan Keith)

"Is the slot in the defensive zone made of lava?"

This might be the only plausible reason for the horrific play by the Canucks defence in front of "Schneidongo". I can only assume they are playing some sort of child-like game and they have declared the area in front of the goal as lava and if they touch it, well, you know...

(Nice to know Edler still cares for Toews' safety)

Seriously though, it doesn't matter who is in net if the 6 men who get paid to protect him don't show up to work. All the respect in the world to Tom Brady, but if his offensive line didn't show up, I highly doubt he would have a good outing.

Bieksa and Hamhuis are slumping. That's it. Both are great players and solid D-men and as soon as they get their groove back, all will be well. On the bright side of things, I'm loving what Alexander Sulzer is bringing to the table out there. Young guy, not letting his nerves get to him and seemingly not at all terrified of the lava the other D-men are convinced is out there. German cool.

(Lava does not exist in Alexander Sulzer's world. There is only more ice)

"With Burrows out, who gets the rub?"

With Alex Burrows potentially out of the lineup with back spasms, someone has to jump up onto the first line with the Sedin twins. People have been clamoring for everyone from Jannik Hansen to David Booth to Anson Carter (that last one may have been a desperate plea from an obscurity dwelling and very regretful Anson Carter).

("Well, this is awkward.")

AV's hand has been forced with the Burrows injury, and hopefully we'll see something fresh this afternoon that might spark our offence. I can think of no better way for David Booth to get his scoring touch back than by logging some minutes with the Hart Art Ross winning twins.

(The most important award is his mother's love... which he also has more of than Daniel.)

So there you have it - a few things to watch out for this afternoon when the Canucks and the Blackhawks get it on at the "United Centre".

Yeah, Canadian spelling. Deal with it, Chicago.

Thanks for reading.

- jB

#ReplacetheKB     #voteBow4Blog

@jBowmancouver

Flames Jersey Logos - Dibs on Canada?

Where do you get off, Calgary Flames jerseys?!

To be perfectly honest, I have never liked them. There has always been something irritating about the Calgary Flames sweaters throughout the ages. Maybe it's because I was conditioned to hate them at a young age? Perhaps in a past life I was crushed by the engulfed "C" of a "Costco" sign during a fire? Who knows? All I'm certain of is that I have been irked by those jerseys almost more than any other throughout my history of hockey fandom.

(Doesn't count)