Monday, February 28, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; February

Another month has come and gone. And the time to honor a bunch of things is once more upon us. The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined for all the look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Class of February 2011:

Trevor Linden's courage

For those who don't know who he is.....shame on you. Trevor Linden was the second Vancouver Canuck to have his number retired (#16 bitches!...sorry for calling you bitches) and is perhaps the most beloved sports figure in the history of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

B.P.S. Vol. 10 - The 2011 Oscars

Monpeeps, what is up? For the special 10th Bullet Point Summary I'm going to a follow up to the Golden Globes post from way back when (January was a crazy, crazy time for all of us). I will be watching the Oscars tonight and recording any thoughts that come into my head. If you know me or have read this blog, you know that the majority of my throughts are really pointless and stupid. Enjoy.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

j.Bowman vs. Awful Pumpkin Pie That Expires Today

Let me just start out by saying these 3 things:

1) It's been a few weeks since my last post...I...kinda...sorta...missed you.
2) Leonardo is my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
3) I deeply regret what is about to happen.

(This might just be the funniest thing I've ever seen)

I was grocery shopping the other day, which in and of itself is unremarkable. I actually have grown quite fond of grocery shopping, and I'm not sure why. I dig symmetry a lot, so maybe the aisles appeal to me in some strange way. I don't grocery shop like a grownup. I do very little things like a grownup to be quite honest. I always feel as though I'm being silently judged for whatever I have in my basket. And yes, I use a basket. Fuck shopping carts. Too cumbersome. If shit goes down, I want the manueverability and freedom of a basket. I have no idea what kind of shit could go down at a supermarket, but I've seen some movies that have given me a pretty clear idea.

("The Mist": It'll fuck your shit right up)

So I was grocery shopping the other day, and after crossing off ju jubes, gummie bears, neopolitan ice cream and mini Ritz Bitz sandwiches off my list, I headed over to the bakery to get myself a treat. It's been a tough month, playa deserves a treat. So I buy some of my new go-to stress relief food: mini powdered donuts, and then on my way out of a the bakery, a pumpkin pie done caught my eye.

(The pie I bought looked nothing like this)

So I took my basket of awful up to the checkout, proceeded to ignore any judgemental looks from the cashier and I went home. I forgot I had bought the pumpkin pie because I'm an idiot. I re-discovered the thing about 40 minutes ago, and much to my dismay it expires 2/23/11. Today just so happens to be 2/23/11. I was just going to have a piece and watch "Blue Valentine" but I spent my hard earned loonies on that pie and dammit, I'm gonna eat it. I'm left with little choice but to consume the entire thing in a race against time. I figured I would document this, one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and share it with the internetting public. I will track my emotions in real time (JUST LIKE 24!!! REMEMBER THAT SHOW!?!?!) and will be measuring how big a mistake this is using my brand new "Ex-Girlfriend Scale of Regret" (Note: I will not actually be doing that). Also before I move on, I wanted to give 2 quick "good on ya's" to M.Laverman, my Dutch brother from another mother who was the 15,001 reader on the blog, and miss J. Sugimoto, who was the 100th Facebook fan. Thanks for the milestones. Good on ya. Alright, time for me to fire up "Blue Valentine" and kick this pie's ass.

(Then I'm sending Sydney Crosby Bowman after it's family)

(Alright you crusted bastard...let's dance)

Elapsed Time: 45 seconds
Ugh! jesus this thing tastes awful. I immediately regret this decision.This is going to take some mettle. Also, Ryan Gosling sorta looks like Jason Lee in the first shot of the movie. Before you start in with the whole "If it tastes bad, why eat it?" argument (looking in your direction B.Shirlaw), I will say I'm doing this for 2 reasons: 1) I bought this pie for eating. B) I started it, and I'm gonna finish what I start.

Elapsed time: 8 min, 25 sec
I really wish this pie was never baked. I have now eaten the equivalent of like, 2 pieces probably. I don't know for sure cause I'm eating it straight from the pan. Man's game. Michelle Williams is cruising around in a car listening to Pat Benatar and eating a delicious eating donut. I wish I was eating a donut. Damn this fucking pie. It wasn't so much baked as it was forged.

(Artist rendering of the creation of this pie)

Elapsed time: 9 min, 46 sec
The movie just played a card which is guaranteed to bum me out. I shall seek solace in the comforting arms of dreadful, dreadful pie.

Elapsed time: 10min, 54 sec
Fucking Rawls from "The Wire" just showed up. Hell yeah! I will use my love for that show as an inspiration. I will do to this pie what Marlo did to the drug game.

(Apparently, the game is the game, and people gots to get got)

Elapsed time: 43 min, 19 sec
I'm sad. It has nothing to do with the movie.

(If you look to the left, you can see my shitty attempt to draw a sad face in the pie)

Elapsed time: 53 min, 42 sec
Aww, a really sweet tapdancing ukulele scene. Ugh, halfway through the pie. Line of the movie so far: "No, I have a job where I CAN drink at 8 oclock in the morning...what a luxury". Gosling just crushed it. Even though older Gosling kinda looks like he belongs driving an unmarked van and searching for lost puppies.

(Did I mention the van was made of candy?)

Elapsed time: 1h, 14 min, 29 sec
Shit just got real serious. I'm roughly 3/4 of the way through the pie and I think I'm starting to die. It really could go either way right now. I regret so many choices I've made in life, and this, the potential final terrible decision might be worst of all. I would be remiss if I didn't use this opportunity to point out something very important. Ryan Gosling was the shit on "Young Hercules" and "Breaker High". Very important stuff.

(Gosling > Sorbo)

("Saved by the Bell" on a boat...and with substantially fewer episodes)

Elapsed time: 1 hr, 36 min, 59 sec
What would be worse, if I was crying over the movie or over the fact that I am full of dreadful pie? I'm almost finished, and I am a much different person than when I started eating this pie and watching this movie. If I make it through this, my life is gonna be different. Maybe I'll go back to school, maybe I will tell her how I feel, maybe I will finally stop making bold, ridiculous and stubborn decisions regarding food.

Elapsed time: 1 hr, 47 min, 11 sec
The movie is over now....and I still have roughly 1 bite left. If you've seen this movie, and you thought it bleak and borderline depressing, do me a favor: DO NOT try and foolishly power through a pumpkin pie that does not taste good and expires 12 hours from the start of the movie. I have flown too close to the sun on wings of pie and it is a deep regret of mine. But I've come too far now. If watching "Blue Valentine" has taught me anything, it's that sometimes you just have to eat something before it goes bad. Part of me wants to quit, but I'd rather have my tongue made out of black licorice then let this orange abomination defeat me. And with that, I will attack this last bite, with everything I have left...

Good movie, bad pie.

Thanks for Reading

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Friday, February 11, 2011

B.P.S. Vol. 9 - Why I'm Single Exibit G - L

Back in November it was "National Singles Week". I didn't even know there was a National Singles Week. I also didn't know that it runs concurrent with "National Eating Kraft Dinner Straight Out Of The Pot Week". I was originally going to do a list of the awesome things about being single, but I was beaten to the punch by pretty much everyone else who wrote on the subject (I bet their lists didn't have "Judgement free sweatpants wearing" as #1). So what I did instead was start an A-Z list of the REASONS why I am single. Only 8 people wrote that same list on the internet (all ex girlfriends). Joking of course....I don't have 8 ex-girlfriends. So after a few months of self affirmation that I'm not shitty, I'm emotionally ready to list some more reasons why I could potentially die alone.

Bullet Point Summary Vol. 7, which is known in some circles as the previous entry, listing A-F can be found HERE. Again I want to specify that everything is 100% true. Also only now have I realized how difficult this is going to get towards the end with X's and Z's all over the place.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Follow Up February

This isn't a usual post (hell, none of them are usual). This is just a temporary one to motivate me to actaully follow through on this. February is a lot of things. Black History Month, Cold....that's all I can really think of. I guess it's about 2 things. Anyone out there who is thinking Valentine's Day obviously doesn't subscribe to my yearly mantra of "Empty Hearts, Full Wallets".

For me, as far as j.Bowman Can't Sleep is concerned I'm declaring this to be "Follow-Up February". I tend to get distracted easily and go off on tangents, often times forgetting where I started. Although I believe it doesn't matter where you start, but where you end up (think I read that on a fortune cookie), I would like to not leave things unfinished. I wouldn't do that to an ice cream sandwich, so why would I do that to the blog?

There are quite a few things in the last 60 or so posts that I started but did not complete. Don't think I've forgotten about them. I got bogged down writing about Christmas movies for roughly 54 posts (god, I'm glad that is over). So during February I'm going back and tying up loose ends. This means follow ups on:

Why I'm Single: Exibit A-F
The Peninsula of Misfit Toys: The 1980's
The Nestle fiasco of injustitude (I should've totally called it that) presents: j.Bowman Sells Out

That on top of some other part 2's I've wanted to do for the last few months. I've been busy with a new job and to anyone who has seen the web series "A Lost Collection" on youtube, I'll hopefully be working heavily on that too.

So yeah, February is all about follow up. And I guess in a way it's about sequels. Essentially I'm just spinning my wheels because I'm completely out of original material so I will be rehashing things I've done previous. It's like when a sitcom does a clip show.

Just kidding about that. As long as my brain functions the way it does, as long as I keep overreacting to minor slights and as long as sleep keeps deciding that it doesn't want to hang out with me, I will never be out of material. Never. So I hope you look forward to my 27 Part Series on "Why Jurassic Park is the Shit".

This just doesn't feel like a j.B.C.S. post without some pictures of things I find awesome or silly or random or Sam Elliott. So here is a picture of the old balcony guys on The Muppet Show dressed as pimps, then one of Sam Elliott.

Ahhhh, that's more like it! It's gonna be a good month. Love is a four letter word.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Stranded in the Copy Room

If not for the intervention of a mysterious stranger, I might still be in there. This is a reality I've only just recently accepted. I'm lucky to be where I am right now (lying in bed at 5:37 am watching "Faster" while writing this). One might not call that lucky, but considering how the majority of people are sleeping right now, and sleep is boring, I think I'm doing just fine. It was touch and go there for a minute. I could be helplessly confused and starving in the copy room at my work. Allow me to take you through my terrifying ordeal. It was pretty much exactly like "127 Hours" only I didn't get nominated for an oscar....and nobody was filming it...and it was indoors....and James Franco had nothing to do with it...and-- okay, fine. It has very little in common with "127 Hours".


Monday, February 7, 2011

Irrational Fear of the Month: February

One new thing I learned to fear this month for no apparent reason is something I never directly thought about until recently faced with it. For the longest time I just carried on with my life not noticing how secretly terrifying it is. I believe it to be a harbinger of doom and ask all of the sleepless knights who read this, if the moment presents itself, to put an end to this blight of goodness and all things considered awesome. Of course I'm talking about artificial flavoring.

What is "flavor science" exactly? It is exactly what it sounds like. The science of flavoring but that is just the tip of the iceberg and to be honest, a lot of the time I don't mind artificial flavoring. It isn't unsettling to the degree that the more elaborate flavoring is. People are playing god with our tastebuds and nobody but me seems to give a shit.

(I just typed "playing god" into google image search, saw this, and thought "why not?")

Another reason I'm being more specific is because of certain types of old school potato chips. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with those. "Salt & Vinegar" tasted like chips that had salt (extra) and vinegar. Makes sense, nothing out of the ordinary. If you are a trusting person you can just imagine a normal assembly line where someone has a salt shaker, another has a vinegar shaker and there is no shady reason why those chips taste that way. "Sour Cream & Onion", same thing. They are taking garnishes or flavor enhancers and using those to enhance the flavor of something that already exists (the chip). BBQ chips don't taste like overcooked hotdogs, beer and sunburns. They taste like BBQ SEASONING! Again, nothing out of the ordinary. Cool Ranch is my favorite kind of chip and even then, there isn't anything out of the ordinary aside from the name they were originally going to call them: "Dylan Mckay 90210 Ranch"

(The epitome of cool circa 1993)

 Just so you know, a lot of this is going to be focused on chips because that is the biggest example of why I fear flavor science so much. So using the formulas above, I reckon there were roughly seventeen different chip flavors in existence. I haven't "reckoned" anything since I was 15, so you know I'm serious. You know the saying "variety is the spice of life"? Well apparently variety and spice just aren't enough for some people. And before you know it, chip flavors starting hitting the market that tasted not just of a spice or two, but of an entire fucking meal! How!? It creeps the hell out of me. I remember when I was younger, whenever there was a look into the distant distant future, there were people in shiny silver suits, having entire meals in pill form. And they tasted just like a whole meal. "What a crazy future...and I'm awesome" I thought. Guess what? We're there now. And it terrifies me.

(Daft Punk was a warning. They distracted us with dope beats)

Here are some of the more fucked up flavors I have come across in the last few years. Keep in mind, the majority of these taste exactly like all parts of what they set out to taste like. "Late Night Cheeseburger" tastes like ketchup, mustard, relish, beef, a bun, and onions. That is messed up, man. TOO MANY THINGS. And you just know it took like 1 drop of 1 chemical to make it taste like all that. "Lays Fries & Gravy" chips taste like thanksgiving dinner. I know fries and chips are both potatoes, but it is still rather unsettling how accurate it is. Here is another atrocity that shows you we should keep our eyes on those Japanese flavor scientists. Not only do they have a "Gold Peking Duck" flavor of doritos, they have this gem too:

Doritos Gourmet Fried Chicken and Green Onion Sauce (Japan)

(Level of What-the-fucktitude: 9)

Which brings me to my next point: what about the guys making these things? Friggin geniuses. You think they would just waste their talents on making a drink taste like a crispy crunch bar? or making a chip taste like a night at out a steakhouse? Fuck that noise. I guarantee you these assholes have cloned someone. You hear me? Clones exist. They exist, and they smell like sour cream & onion chips.

(Diseases? pshaw! Our priority lies solely with making things taste like other things)

When it first dawned on me that flavor scientists are the only ones with the genius to clone someone, I was actually in a yoga class. This was back when I thought the cure for my restricted ability to sleep was some deep breathing, stretching and showcasing my awesome calves to flexible girls. Little did I know it was actually a crazy good workout and I sweat buckets (which in case you were wondering is not attractive). For some reason, for that yoga class, when I sweat it smelled like ketchup chips. It was weird. I had washed my clothes and showered pre-yoga, but for some reason I could just smell nothing but ketchup chips. Perhaps I was really wasted the night before and snorted some of the flavoring and it was stuck in my nose. But it was then, while exausted and giving out an oddly specific musk, I felt those scientists were the most brilliant on earth and there is probably tons of things they aren't telling us. Stuff like, oh I don't know, THEY BROUGHT BACK DINOSAURS?!

(Just admit it already, we've all seen the Sam Neil, Jeff Goldblum documentary "Jurassic Park")

Flavor science really weirds me out now, because essentially they can make anything taste like...anything. Why don't these assholes make salads taste like steak? I know they can do it. For some reason they choose not to and that scares the hell out of me. Who is controlling flavor scientists and why? What nefarious organization is funding their research and pulling their strings? Somewhere in the world, Tupac is maintaining a car that runs on water and eating a rice wafer that tastes like a chocolate donut.

(I don't know about you, but I go to "Holla Back" for all my news)

Imagine you were blindfolded and you were told to eat something and describe what it was. You take a bite, maybe chew it a little bit, it's a little crunchy but still pretty tasty. To your delight, you are under the impression that you just ate a  delicious white chocolate truffle. Imagine your surprise when you take off your blindfold to discover you actually just took a bite out of a Dennis Eckersley baseball card wrapped in tinfoil. Guess what, you just got "science'd", right in the tastebuds.

(Eckersley: Agent of S.C.I.E.N.C.E.)

And that's just the thing. It is becoming harder and harder to know what it is we are actually eating because anything can taste good now. The people behind Buckley's cough medicine are just being stubborn dicks basically. "It tastes awful, and it works"? It doesn't have to!

 ("It tastes like Ice Cream sandwiches. And it works")

Thanks for Reading


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