Wednesday, February 23, 2011

j.Bowman vs. Awful Pumpkin Pie That Expires Today

Let me just start out by saying these 3 things:

1) It's been a few weeks since my last post...I...kinda...sorta...missed you.
2) Leonardo is my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
3) I deeply regret what is about to happen.

(This might just be the funniest thing I've ever seen)

I was grocery shopping the other day, which in and of itself is unremarkable. I actually have grown quite fond of grocery shopping, and I'm not sure why. I dig symmetry a lot, so maybe the aisles appeal to me in some strange way. I don't grocery shop like a grownup. I do very little things like a grownup to be quite honest. I always feel as though I'm being silently judged for whatever I have in my basket. And yes, I use a basket. Fuck shopping carts. Too cumbersome. If shit goes down, I want the manueverability and freedom of a basket. I have no idea what kind of shit could go down at a supermarket, but I've seen some movies that have given me a pretty clear idea.

("The Mist": It'll fuck your shit right up)

So I was grocery shopping the other day, and after crossing off ju jubes, gummie bears, neopolitan ice cream and mini Ritz Bitz sandwiches off my list, I headed over to the bakery to get myself a treat. It's been a tough month, playa deserves a treat. So I buy some of my new go-to stress relief food: mini powdered donuts, and then on my way out of a the bakery, a pumpkin pie done caught my eye.

(The pie I bought looked nothing like this)

So I took my basket of awful up to the checkout, proceeded to ignore any judgemental looks from the cashier and I went home. I forgot I had bought the pumpkin pie because I'm an idiot. I re-discovered the thing about 40 minutes ago, and much to my dismay it expires 2/23/11. Today just so happens to be 2/23/11. I was just going to have a piece and watch "Blue Valentine" but I spent my hard earned loonies on that pie and dammit, I'm gonna eat it. I'm left with little choice but to consume the entire thing in a race against time. I figured I would document this, one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and share it with the internetting public. I will track my emotions in real time (JUST LIKE 24!!! REMEMBER THAT SHOW!?!?!) and will be measuring how big a mistake this is using my brand new "Ex-Girlfriend Scale of Regret" (Note: I will not actually be doing that). Also before I move on, I wanted to give 2 quick "good on ya's" to M.Laverman, my Dutch brother from another mother who was the 15,001 reader on the blog, and miss J. Sugimoto, who was the 100th Facebook fan. Thanks for the milestones. Good on ya. Alright, time for me to fire up "Blue Valentine" and kick this pie's ass.

(Then I'm sending Sydney Crosby Bowman after it's family)

(Alright you crusted bastard...let's dance)

Elapsed Time: 45 seconds
Ugh! jesus this thing tastes awful. I immediately regret this decision.This is going to take some mettle. Also, Ryan Gosling sorta looks like Jason Lee in the first shot of the movie. Before you start in with the whole "If it tastes bad, why eat it?" argument (looking in your direction B.Shirlaw), I will say I'm doing this for 2 reasons: 1) I bought this pie for eating. B) I started it, and I'm gonna finish what I start.

Elapsed time: 8 min, 25 sec
I really wish this pie was never baked. I have now eaten the equivalent of like, 2 pieces probably. I don't know for sure cause I'm eating it straight from the pan. Man's game. Michelle Williams is cruising around in a car listening to Pat Benatar and eating a delicious eating donut. I wish I was eating a donut. Damn this fucking pie. It wasn't so much baked as it was forged.

(Artist rendering of the creation of this pie)

Elapsed time: 9 min, 46 sec
The movie just played a card which is guaranteed to bum me out. I shall seek solace in the comforting arms of dreadful, dreadful pie.

Elapsed time: 10min, 54 sec
Fucking Rawls from "The Wire" just showed up. Hell yeah! I will use my love for that show as an inspiration. I will do to this pie what Marlo did to the drug game.

(Apparently, the game is the game, and people gots to get got)

Elapsed time: 43 min, 19 sec
I'm sad. It has nothing to do with the movie.

(If you look to the left, you can see my shitty attempt to draw a sad face in the pie)

Elapsed time: 53 min, 42 sec
Aww, a really sweet tapdancing ukulele scene. Ugh, halfway through the pie. Line of the movie so far: "No, I have a job where I CAN drink at 8 oclock in the morning...what a luxury". Gosling just crushed it. Even though older Gosling kinda looks like he belongs driving an unmarked van and searching for lost puppies.

(Did I mention the van was made of candy?)

Elapsed time: 1h, 14 min, 29 sec
Shit just got real serious. I'm roughly 3/4 of the way through the pie and I think I'm starting to die. It really could go either way right now. I regret so many choices I've made in life, and this, the potential final terrible decision might be worst of all. I would be remiss if I didn't use this opportunity to point out something very important. Ryan Gosling was the shit on "Young Hercules" and "Breaker High". Very important stuff.

(Gosling > Sorbo)

("Saved by the Bell" on a boat...and with substantially fewer episodes)

Elapsed time: 1 hr, 36 min, 59 sec
What would be worse, if I was crying over the movie or over the fact that I am full of dreadful pie? I'm almost finished, and I am a much different person than when I started eating this pie and watching this movie. If I make it through this, my life is gonna be different. Maybe I'll go back to school, maybe I will tell her how I feel, maybe I will finally stop making bold, ridiculous and stubborn decisions regarding food.

Elapsed time: 1 hr, 47 min, 11 sec
The movie is over now....and I still have roughly 1 bite left. If you've seen this movie, and you thought it bleak and borderline depressing, do me a favor: DO NOT try and foolishly power through a pumpkin pie that does not taste good and expires 12 hours from the start of the movie. I have flown too close to the sun on wings of pie and it is a deep regret of mine. But I've come too far now. If watching "Blue Valentine" has taught me anything, it's that sometimes you just have to eat something before it goes bad. Part of me wants to quit, but I'd rather have my tongue made out of black licorice then let this orange abomination defeat me. And with that, I will attack this last bite, with everything I have left...

Good movie, bad pie.

Thanks for Reading

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  1. While I admire your effort, I hate to be the guy to tell you that expiry dates really don't matter...

  2. I believe this wouldn't have been such an ordeal yesterday

  3. yep, that was the Gosling line I was talking about. People of Tinseltown had a huge reaction to it.