Friday, February 11, 2011

B.P.S. Vol. 9 - Why I'm Single Exibit G - L

Back in November it was "National Singles Week". I didn't even know there was a National Singles Week. I also didn't know that it runs concurrent with "National Eating Kraft Dinner Straight Out Of The Pot Week". I was originally going to do a list of the awesome things about being single, but I was beaten to the punch by pretty much everyone else who wrote on the subject (I bet their lists didn't have "Judgement free sweatpants wearing" as #1). So what I did instead was start an A-Z list of the REASONS why I am single. Only 8 people wrote that same list on the internet (all ex girlfriends). Joking of course....I don't have 8 ex-girlfriends. So after a few months of self affirmation that I'm not shitty, I'm emotionally ready to list some more reasons why I could potentially die alone.

Bullet Point Summary Vol. 7, which is known in some circles as the previous entry, listing A-F can be found HERE. Again I want to specify that everything is 100% true. Also only now have I realized how difficult this is going to get towards the end with X's and Z's all over the place.

G - Green Lantern

This was originally "Geography" because I already did a superhero one in the previous entry when B was Batman (and still is btw). There was no decent way to explain why geography is a reason, and I love Green Lantern so that's what I'm going with. If you got a problem with that, you can take it up with Green Lantern Corps drill sargent Kilowog.

(We are off to a bad start already)

I have been a fan of Green Lantern even longer than I've been a Batman fan. It was a bit different than being a fan of the dark knight though, because to be honest I often felt like I was one of 13 people in the world who liked Green Lantern. Therein lies the main issue. Next summer (June 17th to be exact) the emerald warrior gets his own big-budget blockbuster starring "j.Bowman Can't Sleep" favorite and fellow Vancouverite Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan.

(Pretty much where the similarities between me and Ryan Reynolds end)

Now, come June, GL will be getting a lot more exposure which is awesome. My main issue being a Green Lantern fan is that very few girls I've met even know who he is. They'll be at my apartment (A on this list) and scope out my bookshelf to see what books I read (that is their first mistake) and see a bunch of Green Lantern stuff and that will lead to the question "who is Green Lantern?". I'm a fan and it would be awesome if they were too, so instead of just saying "space cop", which he essentially is, I give a pretty accurate summary of who he is, what his powers are and why he is awesome. I'm sure you know where this is going...

 (There is no specific reason I put a pic here. Just wanted to add another one)

(...and another. This was the issue where he GL snapped and killed a ton of people. That's not a joke either, it actually happened)

Now, even though I could get really detailed with my response, I don't. I try and keep it simple and brief. I don't get too nerdy about it, but even the most basic explanation I give has buzzwords in it that I'm sure set off a bunch of red flags with the womenfolk. One of those words may or may not be "Intergalactic". Everyone knows who Batman is (pointy ears, gravely voice, dead parents) so I never have to explain that, but after a girl asks me who Green Lantern is, and I answer her, I am the next person to ask a question:

"Where are you going?"

There is no other reason why this entry goes from G-L. Just a subtle reference to Green Lantern. For fans of simplicity, the "Joker" of Green Lantern villians is named "Sinestro". He was once a good guy who turned rogue. I don't know how they didn't see that coming. If not from his name, they shoulda known he was evil cause he has a mustache.

(Sinestro: Intergalactic Asshole)

This should be one of the shortest entries on this list, so I'm gonna wrap this up and move on. I will say that I can not wait for June 17th and I believe picking my date will be as important a decision as picking the girl I propose to. Both scenarios will involve a Green Lantern ring.

("What do you mean you won't marry me?")

H - Handyman
I crossed it out for effect, but it says "handyman" up there. I crossed it out because I am not even close to being one, and that's a problem. I recognize it as a trait which would probably do me some good, not only with ladykind but in my day to day life as well (in both instances, being able to fix the cable would lead to substantially more success).

If something breaks, odds are I don't have what it takes to fix it. This can be pretty immasculating. I remember one time I was with a girl and her truck broke down. Normally this is where "a catch" would roll up his sleeves and fix it (being shirtless is optional....however I would never take that option). In this case she knew me pretty well and didn't even ask me to try and fix it. Instead some other dude pulled up and fixed the problem while I guarded the front seat. If it was a heist, I would've been the lame-ass who gets stuck as the lookout. So because of both of our efforts (him fixing the engine, me making sure nobody stole the truck) we were able to continue on our trip. His heroics also meant I had begun my journey to singletown. It was not a long journey. It would've been like Lord of the Rings if they just rode those giant eagles to Mordor, which would've taken them all of 26 minutes.

(Pictured: The BEST plan B ever)

Now although I'm not necessarily "handy" I am resourceful. I can fix things temporarily. While stop-gap tactics might not be a long term solution, it will buy you enough time to plan a scenario where you can set up someone else to take the blame for it. That I can do. Gotta play to your strengths. And even though most attempts of mine to fix something consist of me furrowing my brow, hitting it and then cursing, I once put together and installed a ceiling fan in my apartment. To date, nobody has died as a result of this so it remains one of my greatest accomplishments, which is equal parts pointless and depressing.

 (Might not have a girlfriend, but I made this ceiling fan my bitch)

I - Insomnia
Sleep does not come easy to me. The majority of things I write here are as a result of that. I don't really have a huge problem with it. I like late nights anyways, those are my peak hours (however anyone who dislikes the blog would probably disagree with that). Asking a girl out is difficult enough, but if I wanted to put my best foot forward and give myself a higher probability for success I'd have to ask if they want to hang out during my peak hours (anytime between 1am and 4pm). Asking that could potentially lead to immediate rejection...or a very romantic trip to 7-11.

(They got flowers, candles and toquitos. What more could someone ask for?)

Even if it's filled with wine, a "Big Gulp" is not now, nor will it ever be, classy.

J - Jurassic Park
I love me some J-Park. I first saw it when I was 8 years old and it rocked my shit. All of it. I don't know if it's my favorite movie of all time, it's hard to pick one (can you ask a nature lover what his favorite sunset is?). But every time it is on TV, even though I've seen it many times, and I can watch it on dvd if I wanted to, I always end up watching it until the end. Which as far as I'm concerned is right around the time Muldoon gets eaten by Raptors.

(Roll credits)

How do you handle difficult decisions? Do you consult with a close friend or loved one? Do you make a list of pros and cons? Both very acceptable and normal answers. I've been known to do both a few times, but there is 1 part of my decision making process that I never skip: watch Jurassic Park. There is a belief that if you are faced with a tough decision, you should do a maze because your mind gets wrapped up in trying to solve the puzzle that you don't overthink your choices and the right decision becomes clear to you. As usual I took a decent theory and tweaked it just enough to make it really stupid. Even though I have seen it tons of times, I still get sucked into it and no matter what choices I'm stuggling with, I don't think about them while watching JP. At some point, normally around the "Raptors in the kitchen scene" I will have reached a conclusion.

 ("It's all so clear to me now. I should hide from tough decisions")

So even though I don't think anyones decision making process should involve Jeff Goldblum in any way, there have only been 2 instances where I made the wrong decision while watching JP. Aside from those I've had a pretty good success rate. Odds are if I ever proposed to a girl, I will have decided to go through with it after a trip to "The Park". The sequels however, can go to hell.

(Or San Diego, apparently)

K - Kitchen
Scrambled eggs. Mashed Potatoes. Spaghetti. Cereal. If you enjoy those four foods and want your man to be able to cook for you, I'm your guy. If you are a fan of variety groups, chances are we will not last. As long as I have a toaster I'd be able to hang in there for a bit but I have absolutely no place in the kitchen. I eat very simple things that require little to no preparation and the situation has come up before when I tried to cook for a lady and failed miserably. It has only happenend like twice and it has yet to go smoothly. I will admit the first time I mavericked it and decided my eye was all I needed to measure ingredients (my eye has shit for brains). The second time I did it I followed all the instructions and directions to the letter. Turns out that letter was "f" for "fuck up" because that dinner didn't play out very well either. I was told the effort was appreciated and that it's the thought that counts, but the thought that would count most is that I shouldn't cook anymore.

(I don't respond well to yelling, pointing or foreheads that have more lines than "Black Friday")

Practice would probably improve things a little bit, but I am currently unable to use my oven. Someone got drunk and pee'd in it last year during my annual Christmas party. Remember when I said everything on this list is true? Nothing has changed. That absolutely happened. But that is another story for another day and the person who did it has since apologized and bought me a hotdog so we're cool now.

L - Laziness
Yes, I see you across the bar. You're smiling at me and sorta looking away, pretending to be in a conversation with someone else, occasionally looking back to see if I'm looking at you, which I am cause I think you are cute. I should absolutely approach you and strike up a conversation, but there is an issue. You're all the way over there. And not even on the way to the bathroom or bar, somehow you've managed to position yourself at the edge of the universe and if I venture there, I might not make it back. Now we are fast approaching the moment of truth where either I go over to you or I stay on my side of the bar and continue discussing what I would do during a shark attack. That should be a very short discussion.

"What would you do if you were attacked by a shark?"

So if I did decide to go over to you after that incredible and thought provoking discussion, I have to have something to say. My first sentence is NEVER good. Each sentence gets better as I go but I'm not very good out of the gate. You are also fortified behind a wall of equally attractive friends and the creepers currently trying to weaken the barrier.

(Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger. This comes up on page one google search for "Creeper Guys")

I am too lazy to be predatory. And I like strong women. Not strong in the "show us your pecs" kinda way. Strong in the sense that they are take charge types who are opinionated and awesome. There are those who believe that it should be "girl plays coy, man approaches girl, dancefloor dry humping commences". Well that system has worked for thousands of years (yeah, I said thousands), There is nothing cooler than a lady who goes after what she wants as opposed to waiting for it to come to her.'re all the way over there.

(And you outnumber me by a considerable margin)

I have probably met seen at least 3 future wives while out and about over the last several years. I can't really remember those ones though, and I don't really care to. I do however, remember the ones that came over and chatted me up. Nothing I respect more than a lady with balls.


So there you have it. Part 2 of this depressing ass list. Part of a promised "follow up February". Mon Peeps, you now have several more examples as to why I'm not a threat. Also, I can't let that picture up there be the last one of the post, so we will close out by checking in with one of my potential mormon wives and someone I hope never reads this list: Lizzy Caplan.

(" you like Green Lantern?")

Hopefully it won't take months of daily self affirmation before I continue this list.

Thanks for Reading


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