Sunday, February 27, 2011

B.P.S. Vol. 10 - The 2011 Oscars

Monpeeps, what is up? For the special 10th Bullet Point Summary I'm going to a follow up to the Golden Globes post from way back when (January was a crazy, crazy time for all of us). I will be watching the Oscars tonight and recording any thoughts that come into my head. If you know me or have read this blog, you know that the majority of my throughts are really pointless and stupid. Enjoy.

Oh, by the way, I'd like to prefix this by saying that if Hans Zimmer and Inception lose "Best Original Score" to Trent Reznor and Atticus Finch for "The Social Network" I will fucking cry. Like man tears. It'll be a damn travesty. Also...
(Don't know how they got in, but I appreciate their message)

- Sandra Bullock says all the actors want each other to win and blah blah blah. You know what Sandra Bullock? Unless you are talking about Speed 3, I could care less about what you have to say.

- Some film critic guy says Colin Firth is a 100% lock to win best actor. He says "It's as much of a sure thing, as if the Green Bay Packers were playing a high school football team....and not a very good team at that". With the right guidance, I think James Franco can take this thing home.

("Clear eyes, full hearts...lose an arm under a boulder")

- Gwenyth Paltrow wants to do a duet with Jay-Z. Sure. Why not. I think Jay-Z can make a duet with anyone kick a metric ton of ass.

- If Marisa Tomei doesn't start showing signs of aging soon, I'm going to grow increasingly more terrified of her.

(This is her when she won her Oscar....19 fucking years ago!)

- Where is the rest of Jennifer Hudson?

(Before & After. Fact & Fiction?)

- They do a brief recap of a ton of celebs talking about who they are rooting for tonight. Everyone basically says their own movie or anyone involved in the movie they worked on, except for Sandra Bullock, who says "I'm rooting for me to have a great time". Talk...about....Speed....fucking....3!!!

(It's hard to tell from the pic, but in Speed 3 they are driving a runaway time machine)

- Halle Berry. Host says she is one of the most beautiful women in the world. But honestly I cannot look at her without seeing the weak link in the X-Men movies and the lady who wrongfully usurped Cyclops' role as leader of the X-Men.

(You can tell how distraught he is about it. Look at the stubble!)

- Morgan Freeman just referred to Anne Hathaway as "The naked girl from Love & Other Drugs"....I then make a solemn vow to watch it immediately following this telecast.


- Okay, so Hathaway and Franco do an Inception spoof going through all the Best Picture nominees, and then the whole bit closes out with a "Back to the Future" reference. O.....k?

- They throw down for Gone With The Wind and Titanic before even presenting anything. Tom Hanks talks about how production design is super important blah blah blah and then the first nominee he reads out is "Alice in Wonderland"?! In case you don't remember my feelings about that m- FUCK OFF!!! NO!!! (That was a real time update) First oscar goes to Alicie in Wonderland?!?!? Off to a bad start.

(Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you!)

 - Wally Pfister wins Best Cinematography for "Inception". Ridiculously deserving, but I still got a sore spot after the fact that Alice in Wonderland won an Oscar and no Razzies. "Pfister? I hardly knew her".

- Kirk Douglas has massive earlobes. That is all.

- Melissa Leo wins best supporting actress. The woman who accepts the award, I'm pretty sure, isn't the same woman who was in the movie. However she drops a MASSIVE F-BOMB!!!!!! Yeah!

- Oh shit! Timberlake said they have an app for changing the background. The Oscars are hip yo, for reals.

- "The Lost Thing" wins for Best animated short. Bullshit. What is that even about? AND how did it beat "The Gruffalo"? That is a great title. It's about a Gruff Buffalo, I can only assume. When it is a "short film" you don't have time to have an ambiguous title.

 (Pictured: The Gruffalo)

- Toy Story 3 wins Best Animated Picture much the the utter surprise of nobody.

 - Adapted Screenplay. If it isnt based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire, I dont care. I have actually read "Between a Rock and A Hard Place" by Aron Ralston so I was pretty bummed it didn't win.

- And the theme of the night will be "Inception loses everything". I'm okay with it, so long as they make up for it in 2012 with The Dark Knight Rises.

- Batman himself wins "Best Supporting Actor". Nice!

- Best Original Score coming up.....don't do this Oscars. Just don't.

- What did I say?! "Social Network" score defeats "Inception" in an incredible showcase of musical bullshit. (J. Lawton is pro "Social Network score" I will try to curtail my bitching)

- "Inception" wins "Best Sound Mixing" AND "Best Sound Editing". You know what sounded great in Inception? The music!

- In memorium only had about 4 or 5 people that I recognized or knew about. Leslie Nielson, Pete Postelwaithe, Dennis Hopper and Irvin Kershner big losses. Afterwards, Halle Berry gives a big to do about Lena Horne. I know she was a trailblazer and everything but c'mon, Dennis Hopper was in "Hoosiers" AND "Speed". Where is his special presentation?

(Almost too much awesome for one picture)

- Checking my watch, I have determined that if Anne Hathaway is going to come out dressed as Catwoman, she better do it soon.

- Natalie Portman wins Best Actress. Colin Firth wins Best Actor. And somewhere, someone who lives for surprises dies a terrible terrible death.

(Queen Amidala: Oscar Winner)

(Sgt. Pepper: Oscar Winner)

- Spielberg is out to present Best Picture. His intro music is the theme from "Jurassic Park" which serves as a horrible reminder to us all about the screwjob that happened back in 1993 when the thought provoking, heart wrenching and historically relevant "Jurassic Park" was robbed of a Best Picture Oscar (and nomination) by some black and white movie about Liam Neeson's dad.

(They forgot to get rid of all the color and have all of it in black and white. Amateurs)

- Best Picture. Wow, so let me get this straight. You use a voice over from one movie over clips from the other 9? Alright everyone, lets try and hold our surprise when they announce "King's Speech" as the OBVIOUS winner.

- In these final moments, I wait on baited breath to see if my write in campaign for the "Green Lantern" trailer to win best picture will pay off....

(In Brightest Day.....shit!)

- The few people who live for surprises and managed to survive the earlier onslaught of "Toy Story 3" winning Best Animated Picture and the Best Actor/Actress die when "The King's Speech" wins best picture. Suspense takes a backseat this year. It's crowded back there, just ask Hans Zimmer.

- I really enjoyed "King's Speech", and as per tradition I managed to watch all of the Best Picture nominees. I just finished my customary "post oscar phone call" with my mum, and we both agreed although we have little problem with whatever won (I may have a few issues), it was a real lackluster show. No spark. Nothing Special. I miss having the "Friends of the Nominees" or "5 Past Winners" doing the presenting. But yeah, they are over until Green Lantern sweeps every category next year.

 (Early frontrunner for everything)

- Oh, and a bunch of kids sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". And then that was it. Not a very good Oscar telecast, but they managed to keep out the Black Eyed Peas, so it wasn't all bad. Coulda used Slash though.

(Any spectacle that doesn't have Slash appear from a trapdoor to shred ain't worth it)

Well that's it for the Oscars this year. Hmm I feel like I'm forgetting something. A task so monumentally important that if I were to forget it I would never, ever forgive myself. Hmm...what was it? OH YEAH!

 (If Morgan Freeman lied to me....god help him)

Thanks for Reading

- jB

1 comment:

  1. I pretty much agree with this (except for original score of course-- woo trent!) but I enjoyed the hosting-- I loved anne hathaways energy and even though james franco appeared slightly stoned or something half the time he can do no wrong in my eyes. (love that crinkly smile)

    so happy christian bale and natalie portman won. feel like ryan gosling coulda been nominated for blue valentine if freaking jesse eisenberg was nominated... for the most part though not a ton of surprises... loved melissa leo's speech and f-bomb drop. rad. (also loved the live action short's speech-- mom doing craft services!!) ok I'm done now.