Monday, February 28, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame; February

Another month has come and gone. And the time to honor a bunch of things is once more upon us. The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of...well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined for all the look upon, and appreciate until the end of days.

Class of February 2011:

Trevor Linden's courage

For those who don't know who he is.....shame on you. Trevor Linden was the second Vancouver Canuck to have his number retired (#16 bitches!...sorry for calling you bitches) and is perhaps the most beloved sports figure in the history of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Did I say "perhaps"? I meant "unquestionably". The man is king. Both on the ice and off, he was a classy hero who stoically gave it his all no matter what the circumstances. He led the Canucks and this city to their greatest sports triumph when he took the team on his back and lead the underdog hockey team to the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals against the....I'm not going to acknowledge their existence. They are evil, that is all you need to know. After being down 3-1 in a best of 7 series for the cup, the Canucks, inspired by their fearless leader battled back and won games 5 and 6 to tie the series 3-3 and send it back to New York for a decisive game 7 where the Canucks decided they were above such material and trivial things as championships. It was enough for them to battle back and prove their mettle, and Linden's courage was the cornerstone of that comeback. I present to you a moment that gives me goosebumps every time I watch it, the closing minute of Game 6, and a quote so infamous it will live on in Vancouver sports lore long after I'm dead or I lose my internet access. Keep your eye on the bottom of the screen. TL is the one who gets cheapshotted, and then unseen to the camera, gets nailed while crawling towards the bench by a man so vile I dare not sully this post with his name. Enjoy this amazing moment.

Once more, for emphasis: "He'll play. You know he'll play. He'll play on crutches"

Welcome to the Hall.

Steve Nash's 2 NBA MVP awards.

Before you even say anything, no, this is not just gonna turn into a Vancouver sports hero lovefest. The double I-HOF is about recognizing things that I find awesome, or incredible accomplishments or both. The fact that a skinny little white kid from Victoria, BC, Canada was the Most Valuable Player in the NBA not once, but twice is something that definitely deserves to be added to the hall. The Vancouver Grizzlies NBA franchise started it's slow, painful decent into nothingness the day they passed on drafting a local boy who would go on to be one of the best in the history of the game. Yeah I said it. NBA fans who disagree can go suck a maple leaf. It's true. They could've had a ton of people in 1996 (For you Grizzlies historians, they drafted Shareef Abdur-Raheem #3 overall. Also, get a new hobby) . Sure they could've had Kobe Bryant, but they ALSO coulda had Steve Nash. Kobe may be a 5 Time NBA Champion, but he has only won the MVP once! (Hiding behind his team) Nash has 2 and in my opinion, he should've won it three times, however that would put him in a class alongside Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Bill Russel, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Larry Bird and some ex baseball player named Michael Jordan. There is no way the NBA brass would put him there without a championship ring. That's bullshit. Lets dilute that bullshit by enjoying a selection of great Steve Nashity in the form of comparisons.

By the way, the comparison in that last picture isn't wth the other player. I'm comparing Nash to gravity, and he is winning handily. So in closing I'd like to say also that Steve Nash is hilarious and awesome AND he has the respect of 50 Cent. Video evidence, coming right at ya

Amazing. Also, he banged at least 1 of the Spice Girls. That has to count for something. So to Steve Nash's greatest accomplishment (The MVP's, not the Spice Girls thing) I formally say to you...

Welcome to the hall.

MJ's song "The Way You Make Me Feel"
No real write up necessary. This song kicks ass and I dare you. That's right, DARE YOU to listen to it and stay completely still. You can't do it. I'm writing this post as I do most of them, lying in bed, and I am snapping like it's going out of style.This is one of my motherfucking jams and it is a worthy edition into the hall, even though the dude who sings it is kind of a nutbar. This may surprise readers who have been following since last Halloween and know how much I love Thriller, but this is my fave MJ song and it deserves this distinction.

Also inducted, the absolutely amazing 8 bit Nintendo version.

Sidney Crosby's Golden Goal

People who have followed j.Bowman Can't Sleep for awhile know how special a moment this was to me. It was so sudden, and the hours and hours of partying in the streets that followed it seem like a blur. It was exactly one year ago where Sidney Crosby (now with correct spelling, thanks B.Smith for putting me in my place lol) won my first born naming rights in exchange for the most important goal I have ever witnessed. To beat Team USA (sorry yanks, you know I love you) on home soil in overtime to set the record for most gold medals in the history of the Winter Olympics was a perfect cap to an incredible 17 days that honestly make me so happy when I remember those times that I want to cry. I don't care. I'll admit it proudly. I cried like a damn baby when Crosby scored. Luckily everyone was too busy hugging each other to notice. T.Bell knows I'm not ashamed to admit my man tears, and due to this moment, they be flowing like the river Jordan....which is in Egypt. It was a moment that united a nation, and one that I will tell my grandchildren about. My great-great grandchildren will probably be dicks so I will just tell them Belarus won and then leave the room.

I get goosebumps every time I watch that video. Welcome to the hall.

Apollo Creed's Ring Entrance in "Rocky IV" 

Okay, I originally was going to induct this later, but Mon American peeps have become the biggest audience here on j.B.C.S. and I would be remiss if I didn't induct something I love that is pretty pro-American into the hall after that Maple Syrup drenched love affair up there about Crosby's goal. This is my all time favorite entrance in movie history. Too bad Apollo gets pummelled to death by the Russian dude mere moments later. Say what you will about showmanship, sometimes it gets people killed. James Brown is just as responsible. Welcome to the hall.

Sam Elliot's Mustache

Just look at the fucking thing. Welcome to the hall.

Tim Lincecum's Pitching Mechanics

He may be a huge pothead and look like a weiner, but 2 Time Major League Baseball Cy Young Winner and recent World Series Champion Tim Lincecum has one of the prettiest displays of pitching mechanics in the history of baseball. It is purely poetry in motion. Every single molecule of this guy goes into his throw. If you appreciate body kinetics, or baseball, or poetry, you can definitely understand why this got inducted in the I.I.H.O.F. as soon as it did. Just watch and appreciate the most beautiful accomplishment in the history of baseball (and yes, that includes Eckersley's sweet mustache). Welcome to the hall.

Ladies & Gentlemen, the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame Class of February 2011.

Thanks for Reading



  1. I understand that like the Vancouver Canucks being beyond Championships, you dear J.Bow are above such trivial things as correct spelling and I let it slide most times (resisting the OCD), but for the love of your firstborn I feel the need to inform you that Crosby's firstname is spelled "Sidney" and not "Sydney". This wouldn't matter normally, but we are all aware of the plan for Sidney Crosby Bowman to exist, so let's help the little fella out. If you have a daughter, maybe "Sydney" would work.

  2. Haha, I appreciate you letting it slide most of the time. You are totally in the right to call me out on that one though. It has been corrected, and you have been incorporated into the post. I will make it up to male S.C.B. by protecting him from Jurassic Park 2 & 3 and convincing him they only made the 1.