Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame - November

(Bow-note: After the hostile takeover Vancouver Canucks related posts put into motion this month, I now have a place for all those musings to go that isn't j.B.C.S. You can now read all Canucks material at The Legion of Blog's page on The Province Sports located HERE. So thank you to all my readers NOT from Vancouver for your patience. The date of this post has been adjusted to keep it in November. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Bowgramming)

The "I.I.H.O.F" is about to get some new inductees. The following Inanimate, Intangible things are forever in my good books and enter the hallowed halls of... well, I don't have any hallowed halls, but if I did, the following things would be enshrined in the dumbest hall of fame for all to look upon, and appreciate, until the end of days.

You can check out the complete list of the I.I.H.O.F. right over HERE (as well as links to each post)

Class of November 2011

Cheap Ass Black Mittens

(Oh hell yeah!)

As far as I'm concerned, these cheap ass mitts are as much a part of the winter season as Santa, Frosty and depressingly returning home from work in the black of night at 5 pm. They come in varying colours but the black ones have always been a big hit with me. White anything gets dirty way too fast. Besides, no matter what colour preference you have, it is undeniable how awesome these cheap mittens are. Rarely has anything been so cheap but so effective around the holidays.

(Relax, Kentucky Gentleman. I said "rarely")

Cheap ass black mittens are a very underrated impulse buy. How many times do you find yourself accidentally leaving the house without your gloves? Probably not as often as me but if you say it NEVER happens I will come to your house and call you a liar. If When you do leave your house without your gloves, worry not. The black gloves of awesome are out there for your purchasing.

The bloody things are sold everywhere. Supermarkets? Got 'em. Mitten emporiums? Got 'em. While I must admit I don't frequent "adult stores" often (or ever. Thanks internet connection), I can only assume there is a rack of them next to something that I can't see when I walk by because it's being obscured by someone who makes me sad.

(I never noticed that they advertised them. Always assumed that meant... something else)

I mentioned above and I will mention it again, these gloves are effective! For a few measly bucks, your hands get to stay warm. I supposed you can keep them warm for free but that might involve putting them somewhere that could get you arrested. If you forgot your fancy gloves at home and you need an affordable alternative, these will always have your back. Extra cold outside? Buy two pairs!

Being a big handed gentleman, I always assume when I buy them that they aren't going to fit. They look really REALLY small on the rack. When I put them on though, science takes over. I'm not sure what type of cotton they use for these gloves, but when they stretch over my paws and are always a snug fit, I kinda feel like Spider-Man. A fiscally responsible Spider-Man who--

(... If you were wondering what to get me for Christmas, you can stop.)

Those aren't as readily available, so Cheap Ass Black Mittens still get their induction.

Welcome to the Hall.

Cyclops' Leadership

("Wolverine? Know your role, bitch")

Cyclops always had a bad rap. First of all, his name sucks. "Opticon" or "Lazer Eyes" would have been an improvement (I will admit, I got kinda lazy by the second one). The cyclops is pretty much my most hated creature from mythology. Even centaurs are cooler than cyclops'. And dirty centaurs can't even get jobs.

(Evidence. Kudos to any of you who have seen this SNL sketch.)

But Scott Summers overcame a terrible code name and rose through the ranks to become leader of the friggin' X-Men. There are those of you who are probably asking, "jBow, I thought Storm was the leader of the X-Men? I mean, in the movies she w-"

That was me cutting off your sentence by throwing the nearest object I could find at your head.

Storm was NOT the leader of the X-Men and as a Cyclops fan I refuse to acknowledge those movies treatment of ol' Red Eyes. He does nothing of real value in the first one except get verbally owned by Wolverine and hit a few lucky shots. He pretty much misses the entire second movie (after finally kicking some ass), and when he does show up he cries like a bitch on Wolverine's shoulder (it happened, we must overcome). I won't mention the third movie, just know the Cyclops I'm talking about here never appeared in film.

(I have an A-Z list of things wrong with this picture of Cyclops this guy)

I grew to respect and admire Cyclops mainly from the 1994 FOX animated series. He had a strong sense of duty and justice and he had to be the responsible one. You got Wolverine who gets to run around being all badass and shirking the rules, but someone has to keep everyone in line. That was Cyclops. Hell in the first episode, stupid Morph and Beast get themselves captured during a raid, and Cyclops demands the team fall back to avoid sustaining more losses. Upon returning to the X-Mansion, here is what Wolverine thinks of Cyclops' plan to not let the whole team get killed by Sentinels:

What a prick.

Also, when they stage a huge raid on the Sentinels home base (which was Cyclops' idea in the first place!) He takes down a crazy amount of them, but Wolverine gets the big dramatic final blow.

No respect for Cyclops. It's like Leonardo/Raphael ninja turtle dynamic. It's super easy and fun to be the quipping badass who plays by his own rules. I'm sure if he wanted to, Cyclops would kill in that role. But he is an emotionally stable (most of the time) general who looks after his team, even though they are a bunch of malcontents and idiots.

("Stiff upper lip" beats "scissors")

Aside from leading a team who the public (at least those in power) hates, he also has to actively deal with his wife (who is prone to becoming possessed by cosmic forces and trying to wipe out existence), a guy on the team who is constantly undermining him and trying to bang his wife, a stupid useless teenage girl whose power is to shoot sparks at people, a furry blue pretentious tool, and a dude who he can't understand.

("mshdg hgih ojangdn, Mon ami")

There is one member of the team I'm leaving out. It's not Rogue. I nothing Rogue, don't feel one way or the other about her. But I do hate Storm, who can control the weather but seems to love giving crappy, long winded speeches (see what I did there?) while flying through the air when lightning would always do the trick. I haven't swore since before I started replace the KB, so I'd like to take this moment to let you know that I'm back, in full capacity. I chose this special moment carefully. Here goes...

Hey Storm?

Fuck you.

Cyclops' leadership, welcome to the hall.

Inside Jacket Pockets

The inside jacket pocket always makes me feel like a badass. Anything of utmost importance goes there and I must admit, sometimes when I leave the bank, I'll grab an envelope just so I can coolly place it in my inside jacket pocket as I walk out the door (sunglasses optional).

Oh, in case you are new to j.Bowman Can't Sleep I should warn you: I AM A HUGE DORK.

(Prime example: I actually own Batarangs)

Waterproof Boots

(Puttin' boots to puddles)

I've come out against wet socks on this blog before. There are one of the worst things in the entire world. I don't care about hyperbole, walking around with that squishy dampness inside your shoes is soul crushing. The feel, the sound, the whole thing just stinks rotten.

Luckily, science has given us the waterproof boot. I own a pair (living in Vancouver how could you not?) and I tell ya, there is nothing like going for a stroll the 10 months it rains here and strolling through puddles, dry feet and all, oozing arrogance.

"What's that water? You want to ruin my socks AND my day? Not happening!"

(This kid knows. He gets it.)

So next time you see a puddle and you're wearing waterproof boots, go ahead, take a stroll through it and let it know that man has officially made nature his bitch.

Welcome to the hall.

So there you have it. Another month closed, another bunch of entries in the Inanimate, Intangible Hall of Fame.

Thanks for Reading

- jB

Follow me on twitter @jBowmancouver. I'm not going to promise you won't regret it, but I will promise you will eventually hate Storm as I do. 

1 comment:

  1. Loved it as always, j.Bow. The Gambit mumbling killed. Keep up the good work and it is fucking great to see you back, Boudreauing all over this blog (see what I did there?).