Friday, August 12, 2011

An Open Letter to Miles Fisher

Dear Miles Fisher,

           Stop it. Right now. Just...stop it. You know what I'm talking about. I just watched the latest movie you were in, "Final Destination 5" and I need to ask you to stop being in movies.

          Before you object, I would like to say that I don't mind your acting ability one bit. You were fine in the movie and it's really the first thing I've seen you in but I can't imagine watching anything else of yours ever again because you look too much like Tom Cruise. Distractingly so.

         I don't like to be distracted while I watch movies. That's why I've never gotten a handy in a movie theatre. While I'm there, I'm occupied with watching the movie (but when the credits start rolling, it's go time!) But before then I like to be fully engrossed with the story the hardworking actors, directors and...uhh...second unit directors are trying to tell up there on the big screen. If something happens to divert my attention or makes a big enough impact that it's all I think about whenever I remember the movie, that's a problem. It's like how I still think to this day that "Black Swan" was a little over 2 minutes long. But what a 2 minutes it was....

(The biggest "Best Live Action Short Film" Oscar snub in history)

        Now although that is a phenomenal example, I'm told that the movie actually is significantly longer than that, but to be honest I can't remember it at all. Story matters to me, sir. I need to know WHY they are lezzin' it up. That's just the lifelong movie fan in me. You are a walking, talking Black Swan Lesbian Sex Scene. Only less awesome.

(Think I made a mistake and put the same picture twice? You're half right. I used the same picture. It wasn't a mistake though)

          At least 6 times during the "Final Destination 5", I audibly commented to myself  "Holy shit! That guy looks distractingly like Tom Cruise". In case you aren't aware, that is just the kind of movie ruining distraction I'm talking about. Not to say that "Final Destination 5" is high art or anything, but I was enjoying it...and then you kept showing up looking like Tom Cruise from 20 years ago.

(L'il Maverick)

          It's like, whenever I look at you on screen, I start believing time machines exist...and then I start wondering what I would do if I had access to one...and then bam! Movie's over and I have no idea what the Final Destination ended up being. Smart money is on "death" but I can't be sure because of your youthful dopplegangeritude.

 (No Dictionaries were used in the writing of this letter)

Oh, and Miles, you aren't helping either. I stumbled upon you in "Superhero Movie" (which I've still got my crack research team trying to figure out if that was a real thing that happened) in your brief scene. Let's take a look:

(How did I put a video in a letter? Magic, 'natch)

           Even though the :56 second mark is the greatest thing ever, dude, c'mon. Now you are just throwing it in our faces! Luckily only 27 people saw "Superhero Movie", so they might not be aware of your uncanny resemblance to one of the biggest movie stars of all time. I've been doing some thinking since I sat down and started writing this letter. Normally I don't do any thinking at all when I write (it shows) so this is a big moment.

(Also a big moment in history)

            I've softened my stance slightly. I don’t want you to stop doing movies. That is a little unfair on my part. I understand that it’s your livelihood and clearly with your selection of roles it matters a lot to you (I bet Tom Hanks is still kicking himself for passing on Superhero Movie) so here is what I'm suggesting, it keeps a paycheck coming to your house and keeps me from looking at you and thinking that Tom Cruise is stealing the life force from babies and is actually 800 years old. My solution:

Only do movies where you play a younger version of Tom Cruise. Or do sequels to movies he did in the 80s/90s

(See? Tom's on board. Or is that you? FUCK!)

Mission Impossible: The College Years? Boom! Make it happen
Rewarding Business? Boom! Make it happen.
Most of the Right Moves? Boom! Make it happen
Bottom Gun? Boom! Make it happen.
Early Evenings of Thunder? Boom! Make it happen.
Conceived on the 4th of October? Boom! Make it happen

Should I do one more? I think I should do one more.

Filling Out The Appliciation for the Interview with the Vampire? Actually, don't make this one. Sounds shitty.

So there you have it, Miles Fisher. I don't think I'm being completely unreasonable here. Because I don't ever want to see something like this again:

(...hmm if I had a time machine I'd prob- oh fuck!)

There is no real reason for this last picture, I just really wanted to use it.

(You know what? That's not that high. Still room for more Shenanigans)

Regards, Salutations and Curse Words

- j.Bowman

Thanks for Reading.

follow @jBowmancouver on Twitter, if for no other reason than I do not look like Tom Cruise.

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